Happy Birthday to Dad

I woke up this morning at 4 a.m. with a bad headache. What the bleep is wrong with me? I've had a cold, the stomach flu and now fighting a headache. I have so much to do before the baby shower next weekend and I'm tired of not feeling well. The weather is crazy with record low temps one week, then record highs the next, then four straight days of rain. Where is that beautiful Arizona weather? Yesterday was my Dad's 84th birthday. In years passed we have always had all the kids, grand kids, cousins and everyone come over for cake and ice cream to celebrate. With Dad not feeling well and going through chemotherapy treatments, we decided that just us adults would go see him. So last night my sister, Mell and I picked up some burgers and tostadas and went to my parents humble little house in Scottsdale. Rich and Ben met us there. It's hard to see Dad with his hair now white and thinning, he thinks it's fuzzy. He ate just a few bites of his delicious dinner and then went in to his favorite chair where he spends most of his time. My Dad has always been active playing golf, working in the yard and carving wood into the shapes of birds or Nativity pieces. Now all he does is read, sleep and watch the television. This morning as I woke up my mind went to how my life is changing. Our family is changing. We know we won't be around here forever but the transition is hard. We all have experiences in our lives that change who we are. I know I had a huge shift when I suffered a miscarriage twenty-seven years ago and then another one when Kamber passed away. Now I'm closing in on 60 and that is going to be another big shift. As we were leaving Mom and Dad's Mell said, "Happy Birthday Dad, let's do this again next year, and we will invite Lennie then." So that's my prayer today, that we will have a few more years with my Dad.

The "Great Gamboo"

You never know how much you appreciate your health until you spend a day in bed. Yesterday after church I felt fine until the Home Teacher left. I had a bad headache and my stomach didn't feel right. The feeling that something is a brewing. At 8 o'clock I was bathed and in bed. I was chilling and felt like I was running a fever. Then the "great gamboo" started. I never threw up but boy was I sick. I was up every hour on the hour all through the night. So I've spent today in bed and washing all my sheets. I just went out to feed my animals and it sure felt good to be standing up and outside in the cool fresh air. I've only had a few crackers and some chicken noodle soup today. I'm hungry but trying to think of something that will be easy on my stomach. Spencer just called me to see how I was doing. When I told him about my last 24 hours he started laughing. I guess he and Annie spent all day yesterday doing the same thing I did. It's just a good thing they made it home before it started. It's been cold and rainy all weekend and I have so much to do to get my house ready for the shower next week. Hopefully this is behind me and I'm just praying Rich doesn't get it. He is way to busy to be sick.

"Natural Man and It Mattereth Not"

Spencer, Annie and the kids have been here for almost two weeks. I feel bad when they come because they are pulled in so many directions with friends and family wanting to see them. I woke up this morning a little bit sad knowing they will be leaving for Boston in the morning. I know they are happy to be going home, even though it is only around 20 degrees back there right now. I wish I would have taken some pictures of the kids while they were here but the baby got really sick one day and so did their 2 year old. It seems like everyday someone was sick with the coughing, fever and ear infections. Spencer has been doing treatments on my hip while he's been here. I can really feel a difference in the strength in my muscles and the pain has subsided a little bit. Now it's up to Dave to continue with my treatments, so we will see how that goes. It may be a little awkward for a son-in-law, but Dave is a nice person. I'm still trying to put a dent in juicing the citrus we picked and I'm so far behind on my work it's going to take me a couple of weeks to catch up. I'm also hosting a baby shower in two weeks and they are expecting a big crowd, so I'm going to be busy getting everything done around here. While I've been reading my little book "Act in Doctrine," by Elder Bednar the first chapter talks about striving to have the character of Christ. He says, "One of the greatest indicators of righteous character is the capacity to recognize and appropriately respond  to other people who are experiencing the very challenge or adversity that is most immediately and forcefully pressing upon us. Character is demonstrated by looking, turning, and reaching outward when the instinctive response of the "natural man" in each of us it to turn inward and to be selfish and self-absorbed." In the second chapter he says, "one of the greatest indicators of our own spiritual maturity is revealed in how we respond to the weaknesses, the inexperience, and the potentially offensive actions of others. A thing, an event, or an expression may be offensive, but you and I can choose not to be offended--"it mattereth not." I don't know if reading this book is going to help me be better or just send me into one of those guilt ridden comas I spend my time in. Anyway, at least I know what is expected of me and right now I am failing miserably.

Could This Be Global Warming?

I can't believe how fast the weeks are going by. I spent last weekend at a football game with the boys and a volleyball tournament at ASU with Tristyn. It has been fun having Spencer, Annie and their four kids here too. Last week it was freezing cold and this week we are breaking records with it in the 80's, a forty degree difference in temperatures. It must be Global Warming. Ha! I spent all morning trying to put a dent in juicing the citrus we picked before the freeze. I need to find a way to freeze it to have this summer when the citrus is gone. Last night I was up from 1:30 to 4:00 a.m., I couldn't relax and let my mind go to sleep. I was thinking about all my children and how each one is so different. I watch them and see how they relate to their spouses and children, they are all so great, but so different. I find myself pondering a lot about my life. I think it's because I will be turning 60 this year, and that has always seemed so old. When my parents turned sixty I thought they were ancient, and now they are both turning 84 this year. I wonder how my life would have been different if I had not gotten married and had children. I never did have a career or work doing something I loved outside my home. Being a "stay at home Mom" with all the stress that causes, has taken a toll on my burned out brain. Sometimes I wonder what I truly believe. My testimony of the Savior is strong, but since Kamber passed away, I have had a shift in my thinking. It doesn't take too many of those "kicks to the head" before you start to wonder what the real purpose of life is. I am thankful for my parents who I know did their very best in trying to teach us the gospel. As I watch my Dad suffer with the effects of cancer and chemotherapy, he is so strong. He is truly an example of enduring to the end. My sister and I are sure hoping the end doesn't come before Len and Julie get home from their mission in six months. On Sunday they showed a clip of President Monson speaking at conference. As he was talking I could feel the spirit as he told us that our Heavenly Father is aware of each one of us and our trials. He hears and answers prayers and knows what we need in our lives. This I know to be true and have hope I will be inspired to make the right choices as I move on to old age.

"There is Something Wrong With Me"

This has been an extremely hard week for me. With the freezing temperatures and all the work that came with it, I'm so far behind in my work around my house I don't even want to get out of bed. I'm just now getting the rest of my Christmas stuff put away. My mind has been reeling with thoughts concerning my life. I told a friend the other day that "there is something really wrong with me." He about laughed out of his chair as he said, "Teri, there is something wrong with everyone." After being told I am the "most hateful, vengeful person around', it made it even worse. Sometimes I wonder why we are given the trials we have. Why do I have to suffer with anxiety and pain? Why is my Dad suffering the effects of chemotherapy and cancer?  I still keep wondering why Kamber was taken from us after such a short time on earth? So this morning I pulled out my Patriarchal Blessing that was given to me in 1974 when I was 24 years old. When I began to read there were several things that popped out at me. "You are a child of God literally, your intelligence is eternal, it has always existed." It then talks about how I lived in heaven and mingled with others. Then I "was given a body of flesh and blood and now as a living soul you are prepared to exercise agency." It goes on to say how "the purpose of your existence here upon the earth is to work out your own exaltation and eternal life." There it is, plain as day. There IS something wrong with me. That is why I was sent to earth to figure out this earthly experience, with all the joys and sorrows it has to offer. The key to this mortal experience for me is that we have all been given agency, and it is My responsibility to figure it out. As my Mom told me again last night, "just do the very best that you can, that is all that is expected."

The Big Thaw

We are slowly thawing out here in the desert, man has it been cold. There was still ice on the water last night when we went out to feed the chickens. It will be nice to be in the 70's for the next week. I have been trying to juice all the fruit Rich had us pick before the freeze but after spending around five hours my hands are raw and I don't have anywhere to put the juice. So we have buckets of citrus in our garage waiting for someone to do something with it. I hope all our trees and flowers survive, they say this is the coldest we have been since 1988. Spencer has been here trying to work on my hip. He and Dave are training to do MAT. I have no idea what that is but it has something to do with muscles and nerves. Since my hip surgery, I haven't had any strength in my muscles, so he's trying to help me with that. It was Trace's 12th birthday yesterday. He is the oldest of my nine grandsons. Mindi decided at the last minute to have a little pizza, birthday cake party with the family and she took pictures of all the boys while we were singing happy birthday to him. The only one missing was Max. Life continues to be busy with all the kids and grand kids. This weekend Tristyn has a volleyball tournament and Trace will be ordained a deacon. My grand kids are growing up and will soon be at college and on missions. Plus I will turn 60 in four months. Wow!

Total Ice Age Over Here

I woke up this morning at exactly 3:33 a.m. I tossed and turned until around 5 until I finally went back to sleep. Yesterday was stressfull with church and having dinner for some of the family. After dinner I went in and was taking a bath when someone started yelling in my bedroom. "What's going on in there!" It sounded like Ethan but he had just left with his family. I yelled back "what are you doing here?" He said, "what do you mean what am I doing here, I'm here to see my folks." It was Spencer who had flown in with Dave from Colorado to surprise us. Annie flew in with the four kids on Friday to get out of the cold back East and here we are in a total ice age. I have spent a week now trying to prepare for the cold.  With all my animals and plants it has caused me lots of stress. I have asked Rich every summer when the heat is sending me down to hell, to move me somewhere cool. After this week I can see why he hates the cold. It was 24 degrees at our house this morning when I got up. We got irrigation yesterday afternoon and when I looked out the window the irrigation was frozen. I can't ever remember it being so cold that it looked like a frozen pond in our front yard. I can see why after growing up in Utah and serving a mission in Canada, Rich isn't going anywhere. He loves the heat and the long days when he can work for twelve hours. It will be fun to spend some time with Spencer and the kids. It will be back to normal by Friday in the 70's and boy will that feel good.

Not Buying The Global Warming

Trulie's job is to take the carrots out every morning to the rabbits.

Troy and Trulie on the tramp

One of our trees before the deep freeze.

I spent most of last Saturday at a volleyball tournament in Tempe.  There were six courts going at the same time with a total of twenty-four teams playing. When I watch Tristyn play it reminds me of the hours I spent watching Mindi and Candi compete. It's nice to see that girls have such an opportunity to learn the skills of the sport, plus how to be a good teammate. Last summer was one of the hottest on record. We had more days over 110 degrees than ever before. I look forward every year to the winter and spring months and enjoy the warm Arizona weather. This week they have been warning us of a cold snap that is coming our way. On the news last night they said it will be probably break a record that we set in 1988. We live on two acres of farm land in the middle of Gilbert. Rich always says that he's the farmer and I'm the rancher. He loves his citrus and pomegranate tress, not to mention the flowers that line our sidewalks. I love my chickens, rabbits, tortoises, fish and of course the pack of dogs. All summer we run misters and coolers to try and keep all of God's creatures from dying of heat stroke, now I have been worrying about how to keep them warm. We have a plan but who knows how cold it will really get and how long it will stay that cold. It only takes a cold snap like this to freeze all our fruit and then it is ruined. So I've spent most of the day picking oranges, tangelos and lemons and hopefully everything will survive. As I was picking lemons out in the front the cool breeze on my face plus the warm sun felt so good. I had the thought, "I wish I could bottle this feeling so when it's 110 degrees next July I can pull it out and enjoy. So much for global warming, I just don't buy it.

"Learning, Acting and Becoming"

I always get excited to start a new year. I have great hopes that things will be different and better. I tell myself that "this is the year I will overcome my flaws." After a stressful weekend I hit the wall yesterday. I realized that I'm in the same place I was at the end of 2012. Kamber is still gone, my Dad is still sick with cancer and the affects of chemotherapy. I'm still fighting the "battle of the bulge" and losing, and I still live with the same people in the same house. I even go to church with the same people only at a different time. As I was contemplating my life, I came back to a place a few years ago when things were really hard. I remember telling a friend that it would be better if I could just go to the other side, thinking that was my answer. I remember him telling me, "what do you think is going to happen when you leave this earth? You will still be the same person with the same feelings, with the same problems, just in a different place without a body." So onward I go trying each day to do something productive and meaningful. I started reading a book that was given to us by one of the counselors in the Stake Presidency for Christmas. The title is "Act in Doctrine," by David A. Bednar. I am not a scriptorian and lots of things are way over my head, this looks like it may fit into that category. As I read the Preface he says, "As disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, our individual responsibility is to learn what we should learn, to live as we know we should live, and to become what the Master would have us become. These three fundamental and interrelated gospel imperatives-learning, acting, and becoming-are central to our spiritual development and happiness in mortality and our progress throughout eternity." So maybe my goal for the new year I need to worry more about learning, acting and becoming and see if this year will a stepping stone for the future.

"Do the Best You Can"

I just about have all my Christmas decorations put up. All I need is for someone to help me get the boxes put away and the trees boxed up and out to the garage. I spent all day New Years Eve alone as Rich had obligations at the church getting ready for the youth dance. Sometimes I resent the time he takes doing his church work and I found myself in bed alone at 10:00 p.m. wondering if this is what life is suppose to be like. He was out until around 1:30 after helping take down decorations and so he was tired. Mindi and I decided to go to Dillard's because they have all clearance stuff at an additional 50% off. We hurried down to the mall and it was crazy. The people were going in droves and when we finally got in the doors there were so many people, I didn't know if I would be able to move farther into the store. I kept asking myself why someone with agoraphobia and claustrophobia would want to be in a crowded store with hundreds of people. Tristyn and Mindi put up with my mental illness and we just did some deep breathing and went at a slow steady pace. No need to hurry because we weren't going anywhere fast. I know everyone has there own little things that drive them crazy but to me not being able to go and do the things I want to becomes such an ordeal for me. I have to keep telling myself how much better I am than a few years ago when I couldn't even leave my house to walk to the street and get the mail. Someday I hope to find an answer to how a totally normal person can have such a shift in their mind. This all happened after I had a miscarriage when Spencer was two years old. The doctors have tried to help me but until I find that magic cure, I will just keep trying everyday to do what my Mom says, "Teri, just do the best you can, that is all that is expected of you."