Where Did The Month Go?

I had two dentist appointments this week plus a visit to the chiropractor. As I was at one of these places someone said, "where did February go?" To me it seemed like it just dragged on but to others it flew past them. It seems like everyday brings another set of emotions. Sometimes the days are busy and happy and then others are filled with pain and sadness. I've been through this roller coaster of emotions before, so all I can do is move "onward and upward." After Kamber passed away I had a special experience where she came to me in the early morning hours. She didn't say a word but I could see how beautiful she looked and how happy she was. I had the same experience with my Dad last week but it was totally different. It was early morning again, somewhere between the different kinds of sleep when I realized I had been talking to him. I didn't hear his voice, nor did I see him, but I knew what he was saying to me. I know it sounds weird but I know what I felt. When I finally woke up and realized what had happened I tried to remember all that was said, spirit to spirit. These experiences are sacred to me and I am so thankful to have been able to experience them. It strengthens my testimony that life doesn't end when we die, we just move to a different dimension. I have often wondered if those who pass away mourn the loss of their family left behind. Does my Dad feel bad that he left Mom alone? She has been working all week on her taxes. I know how difficult it was for her because every time I talked to her she seemed frustrated and stressed about doing it all by herself. She even commented on how she wished Dad could have at least waited until after their taxes were finished. My sister and I both offered to help but she didn't seem to think we would be any help, she needed to do it by herself. Well, yesterday my sister took her to her appointment with her accountant and now that they are finished she can rest. Sometimes I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back. It seems like every time I try to change and get my hopes up there is a setback, but I'm thankful for this old body of mine and for all that I've been able to experience and learn. I realize that we need to go through challenging things to be able to have sympathy and empathy for others. This will hopefully make me closer to the Savior which is where I want to be.

"Are You Giving Up?"

For the last month I've been all over the place emotionally. Life is hard enough without the death of a loved one. On Monday I was so tired from the weekend and hoping to have a good day. It seemed like everywhere I turned there was another challenge. By the time Rich got home, I was so despondent he just looked at me wondering what was wrong. When you are young and dumb, life seems so simple. When I was a teenager all I worried about was myself. I dreamed about getting married to "Mr. Wonderful" and riding off on that white horse and having ten kids. Except I'm afraid of horses and don't have much patience for that many kids. Anyway, after having four kids, numerous health challenges, disappointments and trials, sometimes I feel like giving up. That was where I was on Monday night. Rich looked at me and said, "After coming this far you are just going to give up?" Yep! That seemed like the right thing to do, crawl in a hole and cover myself up with dirt. I took a hot bath, said a prayer and went to sleep, not caring if I woke up or not. Well, it's Wednesday now and I'm still here. Everywhere I look there is something else to do and someone who needs my help. I'm just one person with lots of posterity that I worry and pray about everyday. Now I have a Mother who is lonely and I'm afraid is eating  less than 500 calories a day. Sometimes I feel like I'm caught between old and young and spinning in circles. No matter where I look there is someone with worse trials than me. I'm thankful for my blessings and am trying to see the good in others and in myself. Boy it's hard getting older and wiser and I'm afraid times are just going to get worse, but for now I will keep on going until it really is over, or I truly do give up.

Falling Apart

Another week has come and gone and I'm feeling a little bit more like myself.  I was warned that even though we knew Dad was terminally ill, until he actually passed, that was when the grieving starts. It's hard to get upset about him leaving because he was suffering, which we didn't want to happen. So he's starting his final act on the other side waiting for all of us to join him. The four of us got together the other day to talk about moving forward. It's nice to have an attorney and an insurance specialist on our side. Mell and I would be totally lost trying to deal with all the paper work that needs to be done surrounding his death. Mom and Dad have been good to get their estate in order and all we need to know is that it's divided between the four of us. Nice to know I wasn't written out of the will, they love me as much as my siblings, Whew! I have felt lately like I'm falling apart. I went to the doctor last month, spent a fortune trying to regulate my hormones and that seems to be causing some unwanted side affects. Then when I went in to get my prescription renewed I was warned that I'm getting close to diabetes, which I definitely don't want. It couldn't been the chocolate and carbs that I crave could it? Anyway, I just got home from the chiropractor and I'm in really bad shape. My right arm has been going numb and tingly and it's either arthritis or a pinched nerve in my neck. This almost sixty-two year old body has taken a few licks and now I'm paying the price. Next week I have two dentist appointments, one with the oral surgeon and the other an exam and cleaning. Then she will tell me how much my tooth is going to cost to hook on to my implant. It never seems to end and Rich has a front tooth that he has needed to fix for a few years now. It finally broke off so now he will be forced to take a few hours off from work to get it fixed, unless he just wants to look like a redneck.

When Did This Happen?

I have to admit these last few years and especially these last three months have been unbearable. This morning as I was taking a look back in time I wondered when all this happened. When did I lose my identity and my self esteem? When did I stop loving myself, making it hard to love anyone else around me? When did I let other people tell me who and what I am? Maybe it's the loss of hormones or the wisdom of age, but something has awakened in me and I need a change. Last night as I was brushing my teeth a thought came in to my mind. Why didn't Mom ask for help when Dad was so sick after his last dose of chemotherapy? We all knew he was really sick but none of us kids really knew just how sick he was. So this morning I asked Mom why she didn't reach out to us for help. Her answer was usual Barb, "you were all so busy with your own lives, I didn't want to bother you, I was doing fine." It's easy to second guess everything that has happened in life. If I would have known Dad was going to die I would have spent every second I could talking to him and trying to relieve his pain. So my life goes on wondering what I could have done better or different to change my life. One time when I was questioning some of my choices a friend told me, "the past happened the way the past happened, because that's the way the past happened." So it doesn't really matter what mistakes I've made in the past, the future hasn't happened yet, all I have is this moment, this second right now.  A few months ago when our home teachers were over Rich made the comment that he felt guilty he didn't have enough adversity in his life. As he looked around at others trials he felt he needed a big dose of adversity. If looks could have killed, I think he would be dead, because I think we have plenty of adversity right now. Unfortunately the adversity Rich wants, affects the rest of us and that's not fair. So life goes on, there are dishes and laundry to do and ten quilts waiting to be finished, and errands to run. How do I get myself back? The person that the Savior loves and is proud of, that's the question I want answered from Heaven. All the advice I get from Mom is "just do the best you can."

Starting the Firsts

I can't remember when I've ever been as sad as I have been these last few weeks. It isn't just one thing but a lot of little, or some big things that are bothering me. Losing a parent is hard, but losing a grand child is even harder.  A lot of the same feelings I had after Kamber's death have surfaced with Dad getting really sick and opting out of this mortal life. As I was talking to my Mom this morning, I just became so sad. She misses him terribly. She has been his caretaker for sixty-four years. I have seen her serve him by showering, dressing, and feeding him, plus getting his socks on. Then the last two weeks of his life cleaning up after him and being by his side as he took his last breath. She is also very grateful that his suffering is over and has faith that he is in a good place with his family and friends who have gone before him. I remember after Kamber passed away there was the first of everything, and now we start the firsts without Dad. The first Super Bowl, the first baptism of a great-grandchild, and tomorrow is the first Valentine's Day. I don't know how he and Mom celebrated but I'm sure there was a love note written, a simple meal and then watching something together on t.v.. Valentine's Day to me is right up there with Mother's Day and I'm happy when it's over. I have enough flowers around my house and I eat enough chocolate daily, that I don't need a special occasion to indulge in things that aren't in my best interest. I do love all my little heart decorations I put all over my house but those will be put away before the day is over. I wish I had the faith and hope of my parents. Dad was such a good example of doing hard things. With the injuries he suffered as a child and being brought up in an alcoholic home couldn't have been easy. He rose above it all and became a great man. He wasn't perfect and he struggled at times but when he left he took a part of me with him.

Kamber's 9th, Sick Kids and Service

I've spent the last two days over at Ethan and Jenn's trying to help their sick family. When we knew about the twins I had promised to help them as much as possible. They were born right before the Holidays and then both of them had surgery, which sent us into a tailspin. When Dad got sick and then passed away, there was another couple of weeks she has been on her own. When I got a call from Ethan asking if I could help because Jenn had now caught the nasty bug that most of the other kids have already had, I finally felt I could help. Wow! That's all I can say when I think about all the work being the mother of eight children, two of which are the same age.  This morning I was so tired when I woke up. I was watching the news and when they said it was Tuesday February 10th, a thought came in to my mind of what a nice day that would be for a birthday. Later on when Ethan called and asked if I knew what today was, I finally realized it was Kamber's ninth birthday.  Mindi and I took Trulie and we headed out to help the sick. Jenn had mentioned that the babies don't have any clothes now that they weigh almost twelve pounds, so we stopped at Kohl's to see what we could find. After buying a couple of sleepers, a few outfits and two umbrellas for the little girls we were on our way to their house. I started doing MORE laundry and Mindi fed the baby who was awake and Jenn went to the grocery store. I guess it's pretty hard to get to the store when you have so many kids and I'm thankful she was feeling well enough to make that trip. She came home with bags and bags of groceries and some pink and red cupcakes to celebrate tonight with the kids. Ethan was going to stop by the cemetery to decorate on his way home from work. As we were all talking about today, we are so happy for the grieving process.  Thankful for our knowledge and hope we will see her again, and finally that this year she has a great-grandfather that loved her and will spend some time with her today. Thanks again for whoever sent a package for the twins, that was the only thing that fits them right now. They were wearing them today so I had to take a picture of them and the cupcakes, which we will be having for dessert tonight to celebrate the life of a child who died too soon, and who we love more than anything.

Emotional Whirlwind

These last few weeks have just been a whirlwind of emotions. I know the stages of grief because of my past experiences but feel more prepared now to deal with them. At times I feel so sad and then others so extremely grateful for all the tender mercies I've received. The older I get the more I realize that we are asked to do really hard things while in this mortal state. At times I even wonder if I'm going to be able to take the pain and heartache of it all, and then I surprise myself that I did make it. I'm trying to get back to normal by making tamales and working on a quilt, keeping busy helps me keep my mind on the task at hand and not the sadness that likes to creep in. I worry about Mom and her ability to take care of herself. I know she is lonely but it has to be her decision to leave and come stay with us kids when the time is right. When my Grandma Fern passed away, they weren't even able to go into her house for a year, they were so devastated by her death.  I have been looking back on the week before Dad passed away. He talked to each one of us individually and told us his wishes were to be out of pain and stop all the medical heroics. We got the talk on Tuesday the 20th. On Wednesday none of us girls could go because of other responsibilities but Mom, my brothers and Ethan went to see him. If I would have known that was his last day alive, I would have stayed with him all day keeping him company. The last picture I took of him was the first day he was in the hospital so I could send it to the grandkids, most of them had planned on going to see him the day he passed away. Life is short and we never know when we will be thrown a curveball, but I do feel that most of us do the very best we know how, hopefully having no regrets.

I Hit The Wall

The last couple of days have been really hard for me. I was wondering last week why I felt like I was coping really well, until I hit the wall yesterday. After church Mindi and I went to Scottsdale to pick up Mom for dinner and to watch the Super Bowl. We had also planned on having a little get together with all my cousins that live here and those visiting for the funeral. When we got to the door to the house we could hear Mom playing the piano. She has taken lessons for a long time and still at eighty-six is trying to improve. She told me once that the reason she doesn't give up is because when she dies and sees her Mother, she wants her to be proud that she kept up with her piano playing. Her teacher told me that Dad had said that sometimes he just stands near the living room listening to her play and it sounds beautiful to him. While standing at the door I noticed that my Dad's brand new truck is still parked the same way it was the last time he drove. He had come over to MD Anderson for his last chemotherapy treatment. After that Spencer and I played Mom and Dad in a game of Rook before we went out for Mexican food. That was the last real food he ever ate and two weeks later he was gone. So many memories that are going to crop up when I least expect them is going to be the hardest. Today I went to lunch with a couple of friends and then shopping with one of them. I walked around the stores in a daze and left with one thing, a new pair of slippers that I got for free. I do want to thank everyone for being so kind to me at this very sad time. One day last week I received a package that said, To Rustin and Gage and then on the back said, from a Dewey's Delight Blog Reader, and then a smiley face. I don't know who was so nice to send a package, but thank you very much. I have also gotten some of the nicest cards ever, one from a wonderful friend in Utah, I appreciate everyone who has been mourning with me these last couple of weeks. I know Dad is in a better place and is out of pain. I know he is having some wonderful reunions with his friends and family on the other side. I know someday we will all join him, but until then and until I can finally find acceptance, I'm going to be sad, my Dad's gone.  I wish I could just have one more time to talk to him.  I need some help and some advice but until I go down the same road he went I feel so alone. Hopefully it will get easier as the days pass, until then I hope he's helping me from above.