"I Love You Anyway."

I'm amazed at how fast the weeks are passing by. This has been a busy and emotional week for me. We had a fun river trip to celebrate Tristyn's birthday and then the kids went back to school, which is always stressful but welcomed. Yesterday I had an appointment with my hip surgeon to discuss my inability to walk normally. After looking at the x-rays he talked about the decision to put in a metal on metal hip three years ago. I guess they thought it would be best because it is stronger and lasts forever. The problem is that some patients don't do well with the metal. They still have pain and complications, Me! I mentioned to him that I just had knee surgery in May, so he had the tech shoot an x-ray of my knee. I knew it was a gamble when my knee collapsed on me, but I was hopeful. I guess the x-ray shows bone on bone and my knee isn't even aligned right together. He thinks it might be best to do a knee replacement first and then work on the hip later. As we left I was a mess. We got in the car and I started crying. I told my sister I needed help, I need an angel to come tell me what to do. If not an angel then maybe my Grandma Fern or Aunt Tenna would do. I would even take some help from Kamber, that's if she is aware of my troubles. After I had a good cry my sister said, "what did you expect the doctor to tell you?" I told her how I felt, that even though I knew what he was going to say, until I actually heard the words out of his mouth, I was still hopeful something could be done without surgery again. I'm not afraid to do surgery and I know I can survive the pain, but it's not knowing what the outcome will be that makes me so sad. If I knew my life would be better and I could be mobile again, I would endure anything no matter how hard. I just don't know if I have enough faith to step into the dark again. All this stress has caused me to tank out in the toilet. Sometimes I get scared at some of my thoughts. I get down on myself and beat myself up over lots of things. I ran across a saying somewhere this week as I was reading. It said, "At the end of the day, tell yourself gently; I love you, you did the best you could today and even if you didn't accomplish all you had planned, I love you anyway." So before I go take a little nap I'm going to tell myself that "I love you anyway."