I Hate The Heat!

This is the time of year when I feel I'm losing what few marbles I have left in my brain. We are on the energy saving plan to help defray the extremely high energy costs by turning off everything at 3:00 in the afternoon. By 5:00 I felt like I was having heatstroke. I had stripped down to just my underwear and still was about to die. So I put my suit on and got in the pool. I'm just now starting to feel a little bit better, I really don't know how much longer I can take this. It doesn't help that the air conditioner is broken that cools my kitchen and dining area and the one in my family room keeps shutting off at different times during the day. I'm starting to lose patience with my contractor husband and think maybe I will just hire someone to come fix it and he can pay the bill. All he says is "go outside where it's 110 and then 86 feels pretty good." He' NOT funny! This weekend my Dad is having a little family reunion up in Eagar like we did last year. The little cabin was perfect twenty years ago but with all the grandkids and great grandkids we just don't fit anymore. Plus I like my king size bed and the little twin and full beds don't fit us plus size adults. I started a quilt last year to raffle off but never finished it, so I thought about finishing it this year. Then I lost interest again until my sister reminded me that I had promised it last year. So today was the day to put a huge dent in it. I've got it all together, tied, and the binding on. I was blind hemming the binding when I started having heatstroke so maybe tonight when my house cools down I will be able to work on it some more. Hopefully it will be cool in the mountains because I've about had it with the heat. I swear next year I'm going somewhere away from the desert until it cools off, or maybe I just won't come back this weekend.

New Bishops Times Two

For the last two Sundays I have attended church where new Bishoprics have been sustained. Last week it was in my home ward and yesterday was in Chandler where my nephew was put in as the Bishop of his ward. The meetings were similar but because of the family ties, yesterday was extremely sweet. My nephew, Jeremy is the oldest of the grandchildren and the first baby to make me an aunt. I remember taking him to the zoo and having fun with him before I had my own children. He has been an honorable kid, who served a mission in Canada and has served with two Bishops and on the High Council for two years. He and his wife adopted two small children who needed a home because of choices their birth mother made. He has a great personality and his sense of humor makes him so fun to be around, we love when he comes to the family parties. I know he will do a great job and know the Lord will bless his family while he serves. In his talk he spoke about his favorite song being, "As I Have Loved You." That's one of my favorite songs also. He told the people in his ward that he wanted them to "love themselves like he knows the Savior loves them." I felt he was talking to me, because sometimes I feel so unworthy of love that I sink into a dark abyss. Last evening we went out to Ethan and Jen's for dinner. It's always fun to see the kids and be together. Jen is feeling and looking pregnant but I think she still looks great. I know having twins is going to be a hard challenge for her but if anyone can do it, she can. We are thankful the babies are healthy and normal so far and pray she can get through this without complications. Changes are coming within our wards and in families and that's what we can be sure of, things never stay the same.

Next Week Will Be Better I Hope

The end of another week is approaching and each week I think the next will be better, less busy and more fun. Sure! This week has gone by so fast with appointments at the dentist, the doctor and I got my B-12 shot this morning, so I should have more energy soon. Tomorrow I will be heading over to EVDI to have my bone scan to see what's up with my hip and knee. I have had a lot of "stupor of thought" lately, with ideas swirling around in my head about my future. I was talking to my friend about it and wondering what the answer is to my inability to walk normally, and my doubts about doing surgery again. What are my fears, really? As we talked, he made me realize that I know what my future will be without doing anything. I'm living that reality, but I really don't know what will happen if I go back in and let them try and fix it. Candi has a client who had a knee replacement and ended up with an amputation. EEK! That is a concern to me, but would that happen, it could? So I tell myself scary stories about what can go wrong and wanting some help from above. I guess the answer is to gather all the information, get as many opinions as I can and then pray about it until I feel good about my answer. I trust my family, especially my parents who I know have my best interests and want me to be happy, don't we all want our children to have a happy life? Tomorrow morning I have to be at the imaging place at 9:30 to get a shot. Then I'm coming home for three hours and work on my Fabulous Friday RS project before I head back for the scan. I've had one of these before and hopefully I can keep my anxiety in check, it doesn't hurt, just time consuming. Then I'm sure next week I will be able to put a dent in my quilting, I'm tired of having all these unfinished projects, next week has to be better, Right?

Bone Scan and Quilting

As the summer finally starts to wind down it's good to know the cooler weather will gradually come. We have had a few good monsoon storms the last two weeks and between those and irrigation we are pretty much a mud bog out back. The temperatures have gone down a little but the humidity has been so high, it's seems hotter than ever. I have heard lots of people say they can't wait for August to be over. I finally have the date for my bone scan which will be done on Friday. I called to leave a message with my knee surgeon to talk about my options, I'm anxious to see what he thinks I should do. On Sunday while sitting in church I got this overwhelming feeling that something needed to change in my life. I can't put my finger on what's bothering me. I have had these feelings before where I don't feel I'm doing what I'm suppose to be doing, or living where I'm suppose to be living. Maybe it's just a phase in life when you get over 60 and hopefully it will pass soon, or maybe a change is coming I don't know about yet.  I've been working on some really cute quilts lately. My granddaughter has requested not only what pattern of quilt she wants but also the color of fabrics she wants. Her birthday is in late September so hopefully I can get it done. I'm also working on one that I started last year to take to our reunion in the White Mountains on Labor Day weekend. I'm still trying to figure out how to finish it, so that has me worried. Then of course I need double of everything for the twins coming in the Fall. Making and buying two of everything is getting expensive and time consuming but I'm so excited to see what these two babies look like. I never in a million years thought I would be the grandmother to twins. We don't have any twins in our family that I know of, so this has to be from Jenn's posterity. Right now everything is going well and the babies are healthy and look normal, we are thankful for that.

I'm Still Debbie Downer I Guess

I wanted to write on my blog today but as the day went on, my mood started to change and I hate writing when I'm irritated, especially when I don't even know why. I think a lot of it is because I'm not getting enough sleep. Rich gets up really early to work in his office before he puts in his 10 plus hours on jobs and if I get woken up it's really hard for me to get back to sleep. I'm ready for fall and winter to come when the sun doesn't come up at 5:00 a.m.. Last night I was up late at a planning meeting for a Relief Society activity. This year we are doing a Fabulous Friday instead of Super Saturday, so we needed to brainstorm on some projects to make. Some of the ladies have small children so they don't start the meeting until 8:00 p.m., the time I am usually winding down for bed. Anyway, as the night got later and later I could tell my attitude was getting more and more negative. I've attended almost forty years of these activities, so it's hard for me to find something that I haven't either done, or that I know has been done before in our ward. It's also hard to find projects that don't cost a lot and that appeal to all the different needs of the sisters. I should have just kept my mouth shut, because if I end up having knee surgery, I won't even be able to help with it. I've been told by some people close to me that I'm so "negative" that I only see what can go wrong instead of having a positive "I can do it" thought process. I've even been compared to Debbie Downer from Saturday Night Live, who always sees what is wrong with every situation. I like to think that maybe I'm in reality a little bit more than some of those closest to me, but they view it as negative thinking. At what point do you quit trying to change and just accept the way you are, guts, feathers and all? As we were leaving the meeting my friend asked me at what point you think you've done enough service and you don't want to do it anymore. I know we are taught that we never stop serving and we try and make a difference in the lives of others through service. Maybe if I could get a good nights sleep my attitude would get better and I could come up with some good ideas for Fabulous Friday and think of ways to serve and be grateful. More sleep, that sounds wonderful, I'm going to try it tonight.

"I Love You Anyway."

I'm amazed at how fast the weeks are passing by. This has been a busy and emotional week for me. We had a fun river trip to celebrate Tristyn's birthday and then the kids went back to school, which is always stressful but welcomed. Yesterday I had an appointment with my hip surgeon to discuss my inability to walk normally. After looking at the x-rays he talked about the decision to put in a metal on metal hip three years ago. I guess they thought it would be best because it is stronger and lasts forever. The problem is that some patients don't do well with the metal. They still have pain and complications, Me! I mentioned to him that I just had knee surgery in May, so he had the tech shoot an x-ray of my knee. I knew it was a gamble when my knee collapsed on me, but I was hopeful. I guess the x-ray shows bone on bone and my knee isn't even aligned right together. He thinks it might be best to do a knee replacement first and then work on the hip later. As we left I was a mess. We got in the car and I started crying. I told my sister I needed help, I need an angel to come tell me what to do. If not an angel then maybe my Grandma Fern or Aunt Tenna would do. I would even take some help from Kamber, that's if she is aware of my troubles. After I had a good cry my sister said, "what did you expect the doctor to tell you?" I told her how I felt, that even though I knew what he was going to say, until I actually heard the words out of his mouth, I was still hopeful something could be done without surgery again. I'm not afraid to do surgery and I know I can survive the pain, but it's not knowing what the outcome will be that makes me so sad. If I knew my life would be better and I could be mobile again, I would endure anything no matter how hard. I just don't know if I have enough faith to step into the dark again. All this stress has caused me to tank out in the toilet. Sometimes I get scared at some of my thoughts. I get down on myself and beat myself up over lots of things. I ran across a saying somewhere this week as I was reading. It said, "At the end of the day, tell yourself gently; I love you, you did the best you could today and even if you didn't accomplish all you had planned, I love you anyway." So before I go take a little nap I'm going to tell myself that "I love you anyway."

River Trip 2014

On Tuesday we decided to go floating down the Salt River for Tristyn's sixteenth birthday. The summer is almost over and school was starting, so that was really the last day to make the trip. After taking her to lunch and finding a life jacket for Miss Trulie, we were on our way. We piled in the cars with drinks and tubes and off we went. After airing up the tubes and walking down to the river, it was around four o'clock, perfect timing. We pretty much had the whole river to ourselves. Candi, B.J. and their boys were tied together, Mindi, Tristyn and I were together and Dave and the boys were all tied up too. B.J. had called up to see what the floating conditions were and they warned us it was running pretty slow. We spent a lot of the time skimming our butts along the rocks but the water was cool and the sun was shining and we were all together. I remember as a teenager floating with friends and church activities. One of the worst sunburns I ever had was floating down the river, I'm older and smarter now. I took my old crappy camera to take some pictures in case it got wet or fell in the river so my pictures aren't that great. Trace and Troy had a blast looking under the water for fish and they was determined to find something of value. Poor Trent was upset the whole time, in tears and had anxiety so bad. We kept asking him why he was so upset. He finally shared that he was afraid his little brother was going to drown because he kept getting off his tube and looking under the water, poor Trent. On the way up we were talking about when a boy in our ward drowned at the river. They had gone up for Family Home Evening and his shoelace got caught on some rebar at the bridge. His brothers tried desperately to save him but the river was running so fast they couldn't save him. It was a sad time for everyone in our ward. He was my son Ethan's age and it impacted all of us so much that when Kamber drowned, it brought up lots of bad memories for us. But, life goes on and we try and do everything we can to be safe and then pray nothing tragic will happen. I'm so thankful for my family. They were so kind to me getting me in and out of a tube was hard. Walking up the path to the car was hard with my bad hip and knees but Dave and B.J. were so kind to get me up and out. Today I have an appointment with my hip surgeon to see about why I'm still having such a hard time walking. I really need some inspiration or revelation on this one. Do I take a chance at another surgery in hope is will get better? Or do I just carry on the way it is using a cane and at some point being in a wheelchair? Life has a cruel way of teaching us to be humble and prayerful.

Three Birthdays and School Starting

The last couple of weeks have gone by so fast. We have been busy trying to get the kids ready to go back to school, plus plan for Tristyn's blowout 16th birthday party last Saturday night. I still can't believe my oldest grandchild is going to be sixteen tomorrow, how did that happen? I was thinking about the day she was born just yesterday. What a fun thing to be a grandma, but a lot of responsibility too. We had all the kids and grandkids that were in town come before the party for dinner before all her friends came to dance. We celebrated Major, Tristyn and Jenn's birthdays at the Shenandoah Mill reception center and it ended up being a lot of fun. When the kids started coming to dance, Rich and I brought all the younger ones home and that was fine with me. You know you're getting old when the loud music gives you a headache and you feel like jumping out the window. I ended up watching the kids until the adults got home around midnight. I thought I was doing a good job until Trulie came in and she had mascara all over her eyes and hands. I'm too old and tired to take care of a three year old after eleven at night. As I was washing her off, she kept telling me I was hurting her. She's just lucky I didn't spank her because if she was my child, she probably would have gotten a swat on the butt, that's another good thing about being a grandma, no spanking. This week is going to be busy, we are floating down the river tomorrow and school starts on Wednesday. We will be doing the "happy dance" around here when the school bus pulls out, but then we still have this three year old to deal with, until she starts pre-school. I don't know which is more scary a naughty three year old, or a sixteen year old starting to date and drive. Yea, I do know what's more scary, so I will try and not think about it, or then I will jump out a window.