Doing Something "Unreasonable"

Part of what I learned at the Landmark Forum is to get out my comfort zone. To do things that are "unreasonable" for me to do. Although I don't think I'm quite ready to drive or fly, I have done some things lately that I probably wouldn't have done last month. Candi and B.J. wanted to get some family members together and go floating down the Salt River. We used to take the kids all the time for Family Night and  float the river and then eat dinner there. It has probably been at least twenty something years since I've been. One of the last times Spencer almost drowned and Ethan pulled him out, lucky us. This morning Mindi and I met Candi, B.J., Leah and her husband Dan, and their brother Tanner at the river and we spent almost three hours floating the river. It wasn't running very fast so we spent a lot of the time dragging on the rocks and trying to stay out of the trees. We were lucky that it was mostly cloudy, but the sun was intense on my face and legs. If I go again I will definitely wear pants and a long sleeve shirt. The desert is really pretty to me. I pulled my camera out as we were floating but the lense didn't open up all the way so I only got partial pictures, darn it. A few times we heard thunder and thought it was going to rain but it never did. At the end you have to get over to the side and get out or you will end up floating to Mexico. Mindi and I were tied together and then we had a rope to keep us with the others. When it was time to get out she jumped off her tube and dropped the rope and I kept going downstream. Mindi was trying to swim but hit a rock so B.J. and Candi took off running on the side of the river until Candi finally caught up with me. Boy did I have a hard time getting out of my tube on the slippery rocks with my bad hip and a cramp in the back of my hamstring. A really nice, and cute young guy that was there with his son came out to help pull me closer to shore. It took three of my kids to finally get me upright. We had so much fun laughing all the way down. I know we could have stayed home and got more laundry and cleaning done, but it was totally "unreasonable" for me to take off and do something hard. I am so tired, but so glad to have spent some time with my girls.

Add Buccaners To The List

On Sunday I still wasn't feeling that well so after Sacrament Meeting I came home. I was having my parents and a friend over for dinner so I needed to do some preparation anyway. I turned on the television to watch a little bit of the game that Spencer was suppose to be playing in Saturday night. As I was watching it, I had the strangest thought go through my mind. I heard a little voice telling me that he wouldn't be playing on this team. About fifteen minutes later I got a call from Spencer, he was sitting in an airport waiting to go back to Denver. All he said was that they cut him that morning three hours before his arrival at the airport. As a Mother we really try to make things better when there is absolutely nothing we can do to prevent trials and adversity in the lives of our children and grandchildren. It didn't matter what I said, they were empty words. Spencer will be fine no matter where life takes him. He has his degree and is certified to do his MAT treatments. The NFL is a cutthroat business. They don't care about their players unless they are going to make them millions. It just gives me another team to hate besides the Broncos and the Patriots. I never felt good about him being on the east coast and the Buccaneers have MRSA, a serious staph infection, going through their locker room anyway. Good riddens to them. I hope I'm not sounding too bitter but I guess I am. Anyway, I just got home from the doctor and I don't have strep throat, thank heavens. This is going on two weeks since I came down with this illness and it needs to go away soon. I continue to step in all those traps my dear ones put in my way, and boy how I love the rackets we run, it makes life so much fun.

"Creating a New Possibilty"

I spent last weekend on a very long, hard and exhausting adventure attending the Landmark. When I got home Sunday night I was trying to talk to Rich about my experience and the emotions were so raw and I was so extremely tired, I couldn't even think straight. Then Monday morning hit and I was sick. I guess the stress of the week was so bad on my body that I went straight into an illness. I had a sore throat, coughing, sneezing and everything else that goes with a virus. I tried everything I could to get better, but basically spent all week resting and catching up on chores around the house. I was also in a brain fog, trying to process all the information I had been taught over the weekend. The Landmark is a discovery of who we are and what we do in our lives that keep us stuck doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. I have been stuck for a long time in various "rackets" with members of my family and even myself. The definition of a racket is "a fixed way of being. A persistent complaint." Wow, it sounds like my whole life, complaining about everything from my parents, husband, children and even my genetics. Yesterday the clouds started lifting and I think I have finally started to get physically and mentally better. I have spent so much time fretting about dieting, money, animals, anxiety, and so many other things that I have missed out on a lot of experiences in my life. The whole thing comes down to not living in the past, that's gone, and the future hasn't happened yet, so the only thing we have is this moment right now. And after this moment there is another moment, and on and on. I mainly went to this Forum to get clear on the death of Kamber. Having a grandchild pass away is devastating and I have spent the last five years somewhere no one should be. Her death was tragic, but I know she is where she is suppose to be or Heavenly Father or angels or someone would have pulled her out and saved her. That wasn't meant to be, so now I need to create a "new possibility" that I can find peace and love and acceptance in my life. I know I have a lot more to learn and we never know how much time we have left to learn it. This is a process, trying to change the way you live and think. I'm so thankful for the opportunity I had to do something that will hopefully change me for the better.

I Am Perfectly Imperfect

I have spent the last three days in Scottsdale at a seminar called the Landmark Forum. I learned a lot of things about myself that I didn't know seventy-two hours ago. I went because I wanted to get clarity on a few things that have happened in my life that have kept me stuck doing the same things over and over again. I wanted to get clear on why I am the way I am and why I do and feel the way I do. I got lots of good information and a sense of where my life is headed. The main thing I got was that I CAN do hard things. I can honestly say this was one of the most grueling things I have done, besides being big and pregnant four times. Because I am sixty years old it was extremely hard to sit in a chair from 9 a.m. to 10: p.m., three days in a row, but I did it! I learned so much that my head is still spinning, hopefully I will be able to process all this information and have it make a difference in my life. I learned that I run rackets all the time, and that I have three major strengths that I can't change. There were 157 people in our Forum, from all races, religions and cultures. I met some really wonderful people. On the way home, Mindi and I were talking about our experience and how it has changed us. I guess the main thing I got out of this was how blessed I really am. I have had great parents who only wanted the best for me. I was brought up with strong morals and gospel teachings. I have a wonderful husband and four great kids and seventeen grandchildren, and that we are all perfectly, imperfect. It is okay to be who I am, who else would I want to be? Anyway, it's good to be home and just feel relaxed and be able to get the things done around my house that were left behind last week. All the animals survived without my tender loving care so thanks to all those who helped. My life has many possibilities to be better than I ever thought it could be, it is all up to me to just do it now.

"Gird Up Your Loins"

This week has been crazy but now that I think about it all my weeks seem to be stressful. I thought once the kids went back to school it would be less hectic, but now all our babysitters are in school so Trulie is an only child all day long. On Tuesday Mindi had to go to Jury Duty. A girl that sometimes watches her had a kid that was throwing up, so I ended up getting to spend some "grandma time" with her. I took her out to water the plants and play in the hose and then brought her in while I quickly jumped in the shower and got ready for the day. When I turned around she had put Carmex all over her face and lips. She gave herself a facial with it. I cleaned her up and as I was putting on my makeup I saw her with my duster and water running down it. She had decided to clean the toilet with my duster. I was so proud of myself, I didn't even cuss, I just got the real toilet bowl cleaner and let her go to town on it. I found a container of creams that Mindi didn't want, so I put them on the floor for her to play with and within seconds she had the lids off and was squirting them all over her legs. By this time I was getting frustrated so I started calling her mother to see how much longer she would be. By then Trulie was asking for some chocolate milk and her blanket so I went in and rocked her and before I knew it she was asleep, snoring. Mindi called and said she was almost home and boy was I happy to see her pull in. That is why mothers need to be young, 60 is too old to be taking care of a two year old. I know there are some grandmas who have to take care of their grandchildren because of situations beyond their control and my hat goes off to them. They are special people. I have had anxiety all week about going to the Landmark Forum this weekend. Mindi and I will be going to North Scottsdale for a three day seminar starting in the morning. We have tried really hard to prepare the husbands, kids and animals so we can be gone. I haven't been sleeping good and having a hard time even eating I'm so nervous. This is something that I hope will help me move forward with my life. To let me give up the past and move into the future and be a better me. I don't know if I will be able to sit for thirteen hours for three days, but I'm going to try and get through it. When Kamber passed away it was the hardest trial I have ever endured. Every time we had to do something hard I would say to myself "gird up your loins, fresh courage take," from the song "Come, Come Ye Saints. So tomorrow after I get ready and feed my animals, I will be on a trek doing something that is very hard for me, going in to a crowd of people that I don't know and opening up, sharing my thoughts and feelings. I have hope and faith I can make it through this experience. Say a prayer for me.

"Pray for Sharks?"

I spent most of last week in my "end of summer funk." That is when August hits and it is still 108 degrees everyday and my pool turns green. We fight it every year. Sparkling blue water for ten months and then when the temps hit 119 and the monsoons blow in, the water goes crazy and the algae blooms, turning my beautiful pool into a pea green color.  Rich has spent a pretty penny and lots of work to try and restore it back to blue water, so hopefully before it gets too cold to swim we will get it back to normal. Spencer is still in Florida in training camp with the Buccaneers. Annie was there all last week enjoying the weather. Not really, the heat index one day was 121 degrees, but I think their visit lifted his spirits. The NFL is a hard gig and I don't know how families with little kids do it playing for different teams every year. I will be glad when someday they are settled in a nice area and I don't have to worry everyday about getting a call about an injury. It's tough being a Mom. Today in my reading "Enjoy Life's Journey," she was talking about marriage. Sometimes Rich and I struggle in that area, no news flash there.  I was reading about how we can enhance our marriage by doing a few things like, sacrifice, being flexible, taking each other less for granted, foster a healthy dependence and take responsibility for your own growth and happiness. Are you kidding me, Rich isn't suppose to make me happy for 50 years? Anyway, she told a little story about a little old couple who had told her how they prayed for "Sharks" in their marriage. When she asked them what "sharks" meant, it was trials. They had heard a little story about five men who were adrift on a rubber raft in the Atlantic Ocean. They despaired for their lives. They were all asleep when a shark bumped the raft trying to overturn it. This awakened them and they thought that was the end. They tried to fight it off with a four-inch pocket knife. The activity on the raft was seen by a seaman on a passing freighter, which rescued them. They had been sound asleep. The shark awakened them and the terror caused enough activity that they were rescued. Sometimes we need to be rescued from ourselves!" Cute little story but I don't really enjoy all the sharks that circle around me daily. Life is hard but we continue to have hope in the future and I pray that the sharks will leave me alone, at least for a little while.

Reverse Bucket List

It was nice to wake up this morning to temps in the 70's and a light rain. We appreciate every drop of moisture we get here in the desert. The month of August is a busy one for us. We have six birthdays, the start of school and Mindi's wedding anniversary. On Saturday I went to a birthday party for Major who was going to turn eight on Sunday. They had it at a trampoline, jumping extravaganza place in Chandler. I sat for two hours on a picnic bench listening to hundreds of kids having fun. When we left I had the worst headache ever. As we were leaving I made the comment that I can put this place in my category never to go to again, with Golfland and Knotts Berry Farm. My son-in-law Dave said, "you know Teri, most people have a bucket list of things they want to do before they die. You have a list of things you are never going to do again." He's right, the older I get the more picky I'm going to be about the places I get myself stuck in. Tristyn turned fifteen yesterday. I hardly saw her all day because she spent all her time with her friends. Oh the good old days of being a teenager. Today is my daughter-in-law Jenn's birthday. I don't even know how old she is but she is special to our family. Any mother who has had to bury a child and carried on, has my total admiration and respect. Annie left Monday to see Spencer in Florida. He doesn't do well in training camp when he doesn't see his family, so I'm glad she and the kids made it down to visit him. She called yesterday and boy does she appreciate the "dry heat" here in Arizona because the humidity is terrible there. She has two kids born in August too and I made a little Minnie Mouse quilt for Abney and sent them some clothes. Last summer I started a flip flop quilt for me, but as fall came I lost interest in it. When I got home from the beach I decided I would finish it as my summer project. When I got it done I felt like I needed to give it to Jenn. I had put a quilt square on the back of a picture of Kamber. I gave it to her on Saturday and she seemed to like it. So I came home and started making some flip flops for my own quilt, it will probably look a lot like the first one, and hopefully it won't take me a year to finish it but I know I did the right thing. Life continues to teach me lessons I need to learn. I still find myself letting others affect the way I feel about myself. Those traps are just sitting there waiting for me to put my leg in, but hopefully someday I can overcome some of these feelings and get myself in a better place.

Five Years Ago and Breakthroughs and Breakdowns

I can't believe how fast the week has gone by. On Monday Rich and I went out to see Ethan who was sick with the flu. He had been feeling terrible all day and needed a blessing. So off we went to do a mission of mercy for him and are thankful he is well. On Tuesday evening Mindi and I traveled to North Scottsdale to participate in a seminar that Candi had attended all weekend. It is called the Landmark Forum and is a worldwide organization that helps people in their lives. They have family come out for support and hopefully get them to sign up for a future forum. As we drove home around 11:00 p.m. I was so tired, but felt like it was where we needed to be. One of the things I heard was just how so many people struggle with relationships with their Moms, Dads and siblings.  As they shared their stories I was amazed that people would not have spoken to a parent for over three years. Another thing was how we need to let go of the past and move towards living in the here and now. All I could think of is how much the loss of my fifth child through miscarriage and Kamber's drowning had kept me stuck in the past. We can't really have any quality of life if we are worrying about something that happened twenty-seven years, or even five years ago. So with Candi's help, Mindi and I are signed up to attend the forum later on this month. I know I have a lot of issues that I need to work through and overcome, and hopefully this will help me. Today is Spencer's second little guy, Gunnar's birthday. He turned five years old today. He is special to our family because he was born on the day we buried Kamber. It won't ever be hard to remember how old he is and he was even named after her. Spencer is still in Florida practicing with the Buccaneers and enjoying the swamp down there, but everyday he doesn't have an injury is an answer to our prayers. Life is short and as we continue to have breakthroughs and breakdowns in our lives, that is what it is being a human on this planet.