"Silk Purse Out Of A Sow's Ear?"

My weekend started with a call early Friday morning from Spencer who was in the Houston airport waiting for a connecting flight to Florida. He has signed a contract to play with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers next season. My heart and mind have been busy all weekend trying to make sense of my son being so far away from home and his family, trying out for a job to play football. After the injuries he had last season and with the birth of his fourth child, the stakes get higher and higher playing football. I remember taking him to get a sports physical to play high school ball and the doctor asking me, " are you sure you want him to play football? The statistics say that 25% of all kids who play football end up with a life altering injury." I still can remember the doctor and the fear, but Spencer loves the game. The NFL is a cutthroat operation and they only keep you if they think you can help them win games and sell tickets. Last night we went out to the property Ethan has put money down on and is going to build a house on. He bought it from an old farmer and hopefully he will be able to make a "silk purse out of a sow's ear." I made some homemade strawberry/  banana ice cream and we all went out to see the progress they are making on getting the double wide ready for Jenn and the kids to move in to. It is quite the project, but if anyone can do it Ethan and Rich can. The first time I went out I was in tears as we left the property. It was so overwhelming and the thought of five of my grandchildren moving into a beat up old stinky trailer made me so sad. But as Ethan has been working on making it liveable, I am feeling much better about it and I think they will be fine out there. As we left last night there were some white and grey puffy clouds and you could see the San Tan mountains. It is a quiet little area with goats and horses. It reminds me of this area when we moved in seventeen years ago. Life always has the twists and turns, trials and tribulations, but sometimes when we are with our family it is heaven, and I know Kamber is looking down on them and helping whenever she can.

"Trials, Troubles and Triumphs"

Last night as I went to sleep I heard on the news of a little two-year old girl who had passed away after being found in a pool unresponsive. My heart hurt for the family of this child. Five years ago today our family was sent into that same spiral of absolute shock and grief. As I was reading my book, Enjoy Life's Journey the chapter was titled "Trials, Troubles and Triumphs." She says, Trials are given purposely to help us develop character. God uses our fiery trials to transform us. It is through our difficulties that we will come to understand our strengths and weaknesses. God knows them, but we need to know them ourselves to understand that the judgment of God is just. Every challenge has a great effect upon our eternal destiny, depending upon how we meet and overcome our problems and pain." This morning I woke up at 4:15 again. My mind was just racing thinking about all that has happened in the last five years. There have been six more grandchildren born. Several have been baptized and Trace has been given the Aaronic Priesthood. Everyone is progressing along but Kamber, who will forever be only two years old in my mind. I tried to remember her and her cute little personality and how loving and affectionate she was. Then I remembered that very spiritual and sacred day when our family met together and dressed her for burial. Jenn curled her hair and each of her aunts painted her little toes before they put her little flip flops on. I look at how my testimony has grown and that I KNOW she is waiting on the other side for her family to join her. I have such empathy for those mothers who have lost children now. I think it is through these trials that we learn to have charity for those around us. Our family is far from perfect and I have to work everyday to keep my sanity, but hopefully we are moving closer to Heaven. As my little book says, "Tribulation is often the paintbrush God uses to create a masterpiece on the canvas of our lives. In Heavenly Father's divine plan for each of us, every problem has a purpose! Pain and problems are the challenges given for our growth by a loving Heavenly Father. When we are able to overcome each problem, we step up to another level of progression, and our eyes will be opened to new wisdom and knowledge." I won't go back and wonder why she had to leave so young, I trust God's plan for her and hope that through our trials we will become more like the Savior.

Pioneer Day Celebration?

Sometimes I think I'm cursed. Yesterday when I had no water coming out of my distiller, I went outside to see what was wrong. As I was checking it, I noticed there was water spraying out of our pool pump, it looked like we had irrigation. I turned the pool off and when I went in to throw my clothes in the dryer there was water all over my laundry room floor coming from under my washing machine. I called Rich to tell him about my trials and all he said was, "don't touch anything until I get home!" Sometimes he thinks he is so funny. Last night as I was taking a bath, I started thinking about today being Pioneer Day. It used to be a big deal when I was young but it seems like here in Arizona it has lost some of it's glory. I know in Utah and Northern Arizona they celebrate it but not here that much. Anyway, as I was thinking about all the little things that had gone wrong during the day, I thought of how hard it would have been to be a pioneer with none of the modern conveniences we have. I know I wouldn't have been able to walk thousands of miles across the plains, in terrible weather, with family members dying, to get out West for religious freedom. I know I take for granted all that my ancestors did for me. Maybe I should be having a party today with my grandchildren to make them understand the sacrifice that was made for all or us. Some of the kids have started school today and the others are doing volleyball camps, so maybe I will just celebrate by going to the 40% off sale at Dillard's. When I was over seeing Max for his birthday, Brookie was showing me all her new school clothes, shoes and backpack. She started Kindergarten today and was so excited. My mind went back to that dreadful day five years ago when Kamber passed away and Brookie was only three months old. I have to say she had a huge part in saving a lot of us from going completely crazy because she needed to be taken care of. She is special to me. So life moves on and another Pioneer Day will come and go and hopefully we can all be pioneers in our own way.

"Watch Yourselves, and Your Thoughts"

I had a couple of hurtful experiences the last few days that put me in a dark place, but I have tried to work through them and now things are looking a little bit brighter. Most of the books I have been reading lately have been about controlling my thoughts. Why is that such a hard thing for me to do? Trying to keep myself in the present moment instead of dwelling on the past, or worry about the future is almost impossible for me to do. Sometimes it feels like there is a big trap sitting there and even though I see it, I still walk right into it and then there I am again back in that dark place I'm so desperately hoping to stay out of. In my book, "You Can Be Happy No Matter What," he says, "People are genuinely trying to do the best they can to make their lives and the lives of others work out well. Most people, particularly those close to us, would welcome the opportunity to help us make our lives run more smoothly." Sometimes I just don't think that is true, but then again those thoughts are making me feel that way. Today Ethan's only son had a birthday. He is a big boy who is only three, but looks about five. Their kids start school tomorrow, so Mindi and I just went out and took him a little present and gave him a big hug. No party this year. Having five sisters who love him dearly is hopefully a blessing for him. Especially the angel sister in heaven. I remember three years ago he was getting so big the doctor wanted to induce Jenn. The problem was that they didn't want him born on the day of Kambers passing which is the 25, so we celebrate today and then grieve on Thursday. While reading my scriptures this morning the verse Mosiah 4:30 kept coming into my mind. It says, "But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not." Sometimes because of my thoughts I feel like I'm going to perish, but I continue on to see another day.

"Divine Intervention or Magic?"

Yesterday started out early because Rich had to be on a job at 5:30 a.m.. I couldn't get back to sleep so I decided to get busy around the house. I wanted to put all the 4th of July decorations away and find my summer stuff that has been misplaced since last year. I decided to go into the black hole of the garage and look for my missing decorations where I found the plastic bag that my wreath goes in. The problem was there was a heavy piece of glass art on my bag. As I tried to pick up the glass it tipped over and part of it shattered on the floor. I knew Rich wouldn't be happy with me, so I picked up the big pieces and swept up the other evidence and put it in the trash. I decided to go out and feed the animals and get all the garbage picked up to put out for the garbage men to pick up. As I was heading out I turned the corner to my entryway when the bag swung around and a piece of broken glass in the bag came across my lower leg and sliced a big cut. There I stood on my entryway rug bleeding all over, what a mess. I grabbed my leg to try and stop the bleeding and yelled for Rich's secretary Amber, to go get Mindi. We finally got the bleeding to stop and they thought I needed to go get stitches. I was sweaty and dirty and not going anywhere, so I spent most of yesterday down with my leg elevated and so far it has been okay. Mindi has been taking care of a friend of hers dogs while they are on vacation for three weeks. She has been going over to their house twice a day to feed them and put them in crates at night. Anyway, when she went over yesterday she found a little chihuahua dog in the corner of their yard where someone had just put him over. She brought the poor little guy home where Amber took care of him and had planned on taking him home and letting her daughter have it. Anyway, her daughter put it on Facebook that her Mother was bringing home a dog for her and because of social media, someone saw the picture and told the owners that we had found it. The owners came to Amber's house last night after sending pictures to her and they were united with their pet. His name is Magic. When I went to bed last night I felt such a strong feeling of "Divine Intervention." For Mindi to find a dog in a yard, bring it home and the secretary's daughter putting it on Facebook, and it getting back home is a miracle. It had been missing since June 28th. The stars all lined up right for that little guy and for me, I'm just hoping to keep my leg from bleeding and having to get stitches, I believe in magic.

"The Healing Power of Love

I have spent the last two days running errands and going to the dentist. Mindi and I are trying to hit all the sales at the grocery stores to save money on feeding these children and pets. As we were leaving the last store Mindi said, "that lady just isn't nice. Why do they have grumpy old women work in their store if they can't be nice." Being a grumpy old women myself I answered her with, "maybe that is why they are grumpy, because they are old and have to stand on their feet all day checking people out, it would be a hard job." I have felt guilty for a long time that I only worked a few short years. I became so overwhelmed with kids and home responsibilities that I was lucky to survive raising my children let alone have a career. I have one daughter who loves her job and provides for her family and another who is a stay at home mother of five. I have thought a lot lately about the choices we make in our lives. I look at my children and their spouses and families and they are all very different. Their situations are different, their testimonies are different, but they are all wonderful children and parents to our grandchildren. The last couple of months have been really hard on me. Because I stayed home and tried to be a good example to my children, I take things very personal when things aren't going that great between them. Even though the things that are going on have nothing to do with me or something I have done, it still hurts. Today in my reading the chapter is, "The Healing Power of Love." She says, "The wants and needs of human beings can usually be described with one word--love. Everyone needs and is searching for love. The core of our nature is the need to be loved--loved unconditionally." I know there were times when my children were teenagers that I think I loved them, but I didn't really like them. Now they are struggling with their own teenagers and I can just stand there and be quiet and think, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this." Even though they deserve it. Elder Neal A Maxwell said, "Truly our capacity to love determines the degree to which we can develop all the other crucial qualities. Without love we will be forever impatient. Without love we will be unforgiving. Without love we will be unkind and unmerciful." So the challenge it to love the unlovable, now that is something I truly need to work on because sometimes that is me.

"The True Source Of Peace"

This week has been a stressful one so far. A friend had asked me to help her make a quilt for her little two year old grandson. It was fun to just sit and sew and visit with her, but when I went in the kitchen there was water all over the floor coming out of our ice maker. I put some towels down and hoped Rich could fix it that night. I woke up yesterday morning and the filter on my aquarium wasn't working, I don't know how long it had been broken. I tried everything I could to get it going again but finally had to go buy a new one. My friend called to ask if she could bring a load of clothes over and put in my washer because hers wasn't working. What the heck is going on? My sister just left, she had asked if I could help her today put together a quilt for one of her friends. I don't mind helping people, in fact it gives me some warm fuzzies, but as I look around at my house you can tell I've been helping others and not getting my own work done. So I took a deep breath and went in my room to read my scriptures and my book. When I opened it up, the paragraph I was on said, "Breaking The Stress Cycle." He explains that in the beginning of the stress cycle, the Spirit of the Lord prompts us to change the direction of our actions when we are moving in the wrong direction, such as when we let the temporal drive to "get things done" preclude time for thoughtful scripture reading and prayer--or when we let material possessions become too important or let our self-righteous pride direct us. Whatever our life circumstances, we can have less stress and more joy and peace when we follow promptings, stress will decrease, and faith--the ultimate stress reducer--will increase. It is possible to find peace in this stress-filled world if we turn to the true source of peace." That is what I am seeking today, more faith and less stress as I look towards the true source of peace.

Teaching Children to Work

On Saturday my sister and I dropped by to see Len and Julie who returned home from their mission last week. They were just sitting down for lunch, so we were able to have a bite with them and visit about their mission. Len was covered from head to toe in white paint and sweat as he was painting his porch out in the back of his house. You could tell Julie had been busy organizing her house and unpacking. As we sat and talked, the theme became how important it is as parents to teach our children how to work. They both agreed that the best missionaries were those who had challenges in their lives and were taught to work. As Rich and I were going to bed Spencer called from Billings, Montana where they are visiting Annie's family. He told us that several times during their visit up North they had discussed how important it is to teach your children to work and be challenged with hard things. He then thanked us for making him get up early and learn to mow, pick up trash and work on Rich's jobs scraping paint and being a gopher. I have to say there were many arguments Rich and I had over how hard he was on my little babies, but I can say I am so proud of all of them and the work ethic they have embraced. As I look around at my grand kids and some of their friends I see a soft generation. Some expect to sit around and play video games all day and really don't do much to help their parents. It makes me sad to see their lives when life gets really hard and they have to work to support a family when all they have done is played and been given everything. This morning I was out early trying to find a way to keep my animals all alive. With record breaking temperatures around 113 degrees I worried all night about what I can do to help them survive, Mindi had her kids out mowing and helping, but it is a struggle. It is so good to have them back, I don't like being alone day in and day out, it got lonely and boring. I did make a quilt for Trulie for her birthday. I found some cute Dora material and so I whipped one up for her while I was here alone. Candi is home from California, she is back to work today and is so far behind it will take her weeks to catch up. She pays the price every summer for her vacation to the beach, but it must be worth it for her to be gone, I just wish I had a place to go to get out of this heat, that would be heaven.

Sad 4th of July for Me

A month ago when I was coming home from California I called my Mom as we entered the Phoenix area. While I was gone I had called her everyday to let her know what was going on, but this time it was different. There was excitement in her voice and she said, "I'm so glad you are home, I've missed you." At the time I thought that was a little weird because I was only gone a week and I talked to her almost everyday, but with Mindi and her family gone all this week, I now know why my Mom was so glad I was home. Because I don't drive I only left my house twice. Once when a friend and I went to Hobby Lobby and to lunch. My sister took me with her to JoAnn's the same day and that was fun. Rich and I did go out to see the property that Ethan is looking to move into, but other than that I was housebound. Yesterday a friend came over to swim and then I was alone the rest of the day until Rich came home around 4:00. With all my kids out of town and no invites for a barbecue it was a sad 4th of July for me. I finally went out on my front porch and caught a glimpse of some fireworks in the neighborhood but with the temperature still 100 degrees, I didn't last long. Sometimes I know I get caught in that trap where I let others affect the way I feel about myself. How and when will I be able to overcome those feelings? Trulie had her second birthday this week and Tristyn's team took first place in the Junior National Volleyball Tournament. What an experience for a fourteen year-old, to win a gold medal and be on the best team in the nation. I wish I could have been there with her, but someone has to stay home and take care of the critters I've collected. I always think next year will be better, maybe even cooler, but maybe this is just the way it is suppose to be until I can change those things about me in my life that are holding me back.

Happy Birthday To Trulie

This has been a weird week for me. I thought it was going to be fun having some quiet time and get lots of projects done but instead I haven't felt that productive. I've been waking up really early and not being able to go back to sleep. I've been troubled about some things going on around me and different situations I have no control over, but feel discouraged about. Every summer when it gets really hot I tend to move into the "I have to get out of here" mindset, and then the monsoon storms move in and it cools down a little bit and I'm able to survive. Two years ago today, I was in the hospital while Mindi was having Trulie. I remember the look on the doctors face when I asked him to keep her in for a few more hours so she could have a 4th of July birthday. She was born at 10 p.m. on the third. She has been really a fun little girl to have around. I know sometimes it feels like she sucks all the energy out of everyone because of her personality but she is special to me. Mindi suffered a miscarriage before Trulie and she was their last shot at having another baby. I never did have the courage or faith to have another baby after my miscarriage when Spencer was two, so she is that missing piece in my life. This is the second year they have been out of town on her birthday. I have a feeling I won't get to celebrate many birthdays with her until Tristyn stops playing volleyball and has tournaments all over the country. When Mindi was packing for their trip to Dallas she needed some more pajamas for Trulie. We were so busy that week trying to get everything done before they left, we never did make it to the store. I remembered I had picked up a little cupcake nightgown to give her on her birthday. Anyway, the night before they left Mindi came down and asked if she could have the nightgown for their trip. She had just gotten her out of the bathtub and her hair looks ratty but I had to take a picture of her. I hope they are having fun, I know they have won all their games and just beat the number one team at this tournament, so they are doing well. I will be glad when they get home because it sucks being alone. I miss the chaos!

"Oh How Joyful It Shall Be"

I woke up early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. When I went to bed last night I had been so sad about the deaths of nineteen firefighters here in Arizona. I thought about all the families that are involved and just what an enormous loss of life. My friend has a son that works on a "hot shot" crew here and I called her to make sure her son was okay. I could tell she was an emotional mess and was relieved to hear her son was on another fire, not the one that killed all these brave young men. Why does God let these tragedies happen? Hopefully some good will come out of this horrible accident. We are having such a bad drought here in the Southwest and with the record high temperatures it has made the forest extremely dry and even a spark can cause a terrible fire. Three of my kids are out of town all week. I'm home alone taking care of all the critters while Mindi and her family are in Dallas. It is always nice to have some time to be alone and be able to think and relax, but I sure miss that little family when they are gone. Hopefully my sister and my friends will help me if I need to go somewhere, and Rich may even have to step up and help. Len and Julie will be home tomorrow which will be so fun to see them, it's been a long three years. Yesterday when we were in church singing the opening song, "Come, Ye Children of the Lord," the hair on my arms stood up and I got goosebumps. The words of the verse says, "Oh, how joyful it will be, when our Savior we shall see! When in splendor he'll descend, then all wickedness will end. Oh what songs we then will sing, To our Savior, Lord, and King! Oh, what love will then bear sway, When our fears shall flee away! Having all our fears flee away and feel the joy of our Savior is going to be the most wonderful thing to experience, I hope I'll be ready when that day comes.