Beauty School or Veterinary?

Reagan

                                                                           Trulie

                                                                Tristyn and Tayler

Forty years ago when I graduated from high school I had big dreams.  I wanted to go to hair school and learn how to cut and style hair. I also thought about veterinary school because of my love for animals. My parents made it clear that they wanted all of us to get degrees from college and they would pay for it as long as we studied and did well. My parents were both teachers so they thought it would be a good career for me. So off I went spending six years going to three different universities before I graduated with a B of A in Education. There is nothing wrong with that, except while doing my student teaching at Arcadia High School I realized that teaching wasn't my thing. I hated trying to teach high school kids how to play sports. I loved the competition but hated the teaching part. I ended up getting married and having my own kids to work with at sports but it wasn't the same. I look at some of my friends who are still working and supporting themselves and I wish I would have followed my dream. On the weekends I usually go to one of my grand kids sporting events. This last Sat. we went to watch Tayler. She is a tall girl with the potential to be very good. I wish I was physically able to put all that education to good use but the rules of the sports have changed since the 70's anyway. Yesterday morning when I went out to feed my animals Spencer's yellow lab Trixie came running up panting and acting very strange. I knew she was close to her due date and was sure she was in labor. I made a little bed for her in the spare bathroom with towels and sheets and she started the puppy delivery business. By 11:30 a.m. she had her first puppy, it's magical to see an animal give birth, and especially a first time mom and the God given instincts they have. By the afternoon she had nine puppies that were hungry and whining. I thought I was going to have a breakdown at this point. At 3:30 in the afternoon her 10th puppy was born dead. I was so sad but was concentrating on the live ones. From 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Trixie had contractions and tried and tried to delivery her eleventh puppy. I finally called the vet who is a friend and he came by to check on her. By the time he finally got here, she had delivered the puppy and it was dead also. What the heck, the puppies were all so perfect but the vet said they had been dead for awhile. Poor Trixie started up contracting again and pushed and pushed until around 10:00 p.m. when she delivered her 12th puppy and it was also dead. She had a dozen puppies, six boys and six girls, but only nine survived. When I went to bed last night I was so exhausted and my head was pounding. I realized that maybe the veterinary thing may not have been up my alley either. I was destined to be a mom, and an animal lover, and the pay just isn't that good for either of those.

"Is It True Or Real?

I have had a busy week with life in general. I'm trying to get motivated to keep up with everything after having the shower two weeks ago. I tend to go on vacation for a time after a stressful event but think I'm coming back. We had a fun day with Mindi on Tuesday. She and Dave have really close birthdays on the 17 and 19th. A friend of hers offered to take care of Trulie the Tornado, so we spent a fun day going to lunch and shopping. All my kids are special to me but Mindi has been my saving grace. When I first got really sick she was around the age to start driving. She wanted to learn and I needed some help. I started having panic attacks and severe dizziness when I was driving, so she became my chauffeur. Now I see that I should have fought off those symptoms more so that I didn't become another stress for her. She is a great mother and a wonderful daughter. I know some of her friends have said, "I could never live with my mother." It isn't an ideal thing, but somehow we make it work. She not only takes care of her husband, house and kids, but she has a mother that depends on her too. My Dad always calls her his hero because of her unselfishness. I can't believe she turned thirty-six, how can my children be getting so old? The third chapter of my little book I'm reading asks the question, "Is it true or real? Whatever we believe becomes true for us." It is so hard to try and change your thoughts. I know I have beaten myself up a lot about all my faults, so I'm trying really hard to practice that self-love she talked about in the first chapter. Dang it's hard. "Truth is the unchangeable part of me."

"Taking Responsibility"

I'm glad last week is behind me because I spent most of it in a very dark place where I visit too frequently. It seems like stress makes some of my demons come to the surface and make me miserable. While reading my book I came across a quote that reminded me of myself. "When we blame someone else, we are not taking responsibility for ourselves." I spent all weekend attending sporting events of my grandchildren. I had two boys playing in a football tournament on Saturday and then Tristyn has been playing in the Arizona Festival Volleyball Tournament at the Cardinals stadium in Glendale. I decided yesterday that I would stay home today and try and get rid of the headache that's been brewing all week and hopefully get some things done around the house. My Mom called the other morning like she usually does to see how everything is going around here. My Dad seems to be doing better as he painted the back of their house and his appetite is slowly coming back. His cancer counts have gone down lower than they have been in a long time and it looks like our prayers are being answered at this time. It is so fun to go and listen to him laugh and smile and be himself, it wasn't fun seeing him sit like a zombie in a chair vegetating. My Mom told me a funny story about what happened a few nights ago. She went in to practice her piano. I don't know why at 83 she still takes piano lessons, but I admire her. She thought she would lie down on the couch for a quick rest and fell asleep. Before she knew it there were eight firemen and paramedics there in the house. My poor Dad had called 911 when he couldn't wake her up. He has often told me that he is afraid that someday she will just fall asleep and pass away. Anyway, we got a good laugh out of that. I asked her if they were "good looking" guys. She said, "they were all just darling, they looked a lot like Ethan," my oldest son. Hopefully this week will be better and I can stay out of the toilet and take responsibility for my own thoughts and actions.

"Loving The Self"

My daughter Candi was telling me about a book one of her clients had suggested for her to read. When she told me the title, "You Can Heal Your Life," I remembered I had bought it a long time ago. It was first printed in 1984 the year Spencer was born, so it's been around awhile. I'm sure when I first got sick someone suggested it to me. I was curious so I pulled it out and started reading it yesterday. I'm only on the second chapter but it mainly talks about how our thoughts create illnesses and if you can change your thought process you can heal your life. That sounds so simple, but after almost 60 years of negative thinking it's going to take more than that to heal me. Anyway, this morning I read about "Loving the Self." Self love is "about having a great respect for ourselves and a gratitude for the miracle of our body and our mind." Finally at the end of the chapter she talks about her sessions with some of her clients and after going through a whole list of things that are wrong with them, they finally just say, "I am not good enough." It made me think about my childhood with really well meaning parents who wanted their children to be perfect. Then I had the same feelings about my kids, I thought they would be perfect too. When that was shattered about a thousand times it made me have self doubts about my ability to be a good mother. I feel I did my best at the time but there is always that old, "I'm not good enough" that keeps creeping in. So for Valentine's Day I'm going to try and be a little bit easier on myself and practice some self love and give myself what others can't give me. I was so sad that I lost all the pictures I took over the weekend. I asked Jenn if she could send me over some pictures at the cemetery of the grand kids. She also found one of me holding Kamber just minutes after she was born. I will always cherish that one.

Shower and Kamber's Birthday

I knew it was going to be a bad Monday when I asked Mindi to help me delete some pictures off my camera so I don't keep downloading the same pictures on to the computer. She misunderstood me and deleted all the pictures I took this weekend of the shower and the family at the cemetery. Why does life seem so hard right now? The shower was wonderful and she got such a good turnout. I spent most of the time in the kitchen keeping up with the food and visiting with those I knew, so I didn't really see what she got. All I know is that her car was so full there was barely anywhere for her to sit. Yesterday was Kamber's 7th birthday. I knew it was going to be an emotional day for me and I thought I was prepared, but I guess these are trials we just can't really prepare for. After church we all met at the cemetery and cleaned off her headstone and decorated her grave. Then everyone came over for dinner and cake and ice cream. I can't believe it has already been almost five years since she went back to heaven, how can that be? As I was talking to my Mom on the phone and telling her our plans for her birthday my Mom said, "Kamber was such a darling. She didn't need to stay that long and she's up with Grandma Fern celebrating, I'm sure." When I was lying awake last night I was wondering if that is true. Is Kamber with Grandma? Is she aware of how much we miss her and hope to see her again? Yesterday we all wore purple to church in honor of Kamber. Mindi and I were in Sharing Time in Primary with the kids. As they were singing the songs I was trying to picture Kamber in there singing. The girl that leads the children told them if they would listen to the words they would know that what they were singing was true. I know I felt it so I hope they did too. Anyway, I'm trying to find someone who has some pictures of the shower so I can put them here on my blog, but take my word for it, it was beautiful and I'm so glad it's over.

Seven More Days

I feel like I'm running a marathon as I've been trying to get my house ready for a baby shower I'm hosting on Saturday. I wish I could be motivated all the time to just keep things up rather than killing myself for a certain occasion. Rich has been so busy with work and church that he's paying the price now too, as he's had painters here all week doing the front of the house where the Arizona sun has eaten the paint off. I told him that after the shower I'm taking a week off to relax and hopefully make a quilt. Yesterday was "senior citizen" day at the grocery stores and even JoAnn's, so I spent most of the day shopping. As we were leaving Fry's I told Mindi, "I never thought I would be parking in the handicapped spot buying groceries on senior discount day." She likes it because she is the coupon queen and loves saving money. On Tuesday night I had a feeling I needed to call my Dad and see how he was doing. When he answered the phone I could tell he wasn't doing well. My Mom continues to work at the Temple two nights a week, so he's there at home by himself. He's always been such a strong person, full of faith and an unwavering testimony. As we talked he became emotional as he voiced his feelings of being left at home sick, as my Mom continues to serve. It brought up some really strong emotions in me as I have spent many a night home alone as Rich has served in his church callings. I know that the chemotherapy has been really hard on him and it has changed who he is and how he feels. He is in the proverbial spot "between a rock and a hard place." Without the chemo he will surely die soon, but it makes him feel so terrible and sick, life really isn't worth living. We continue to pray that his life will be spared until Len and Julie get home from their mission and so far our prayers have been answered. Yesterday when we went in to the grocery store there was a big sign that said, "8 days until Valentines Day." I turned to Mindi and said, "there you go, we only have 8 more days until our favorite day. . .other than Mother's Day of course." That is a big joke with us. Anyway, while reading in my book by Elder Bednar, "Act in Doctrine" he quotes President Monson when he said, "Often we assume that the people around us must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know . . .We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us." I'm so bad at telling my family how much I love them, I MUST do better. I have 7 more days until that glorious holiday to tell them.

It's Hard Being a Rattlesnake

Yesterday I got a call from a friend who needed to borrow some books from me. She is teaching a lesson in Relief Society on the Atonement next month and wanted to get started searching for information for her lesson. I was looking for a particular book so I called some family members to see if they had this book. As I was visiting with someone, we were talking about a difficult situation she is in. It reminded me of a story in one of the books I have read about a man who was dying. The doctors didn't give him much hope to survive but they really couldn't find anything wrong with him. As this man went to visit him he realized that this man had been severely abused by his father and hadn't spoken to him since he was fourteen years old. He then told him the story about an experiment that was conducted at a rattlesnake farm in Salem, Oregon. "One of the caretakers took one of his large rattlesnakes and put a forked stick behind its head so it could not coil to strike. Then he began to tantalize it with small chicks and other food. The snake kept trying to coil unsuccessfully, and venom dripped quite freely from its fangs. Within minutes the snake stiffened and died." "The Caretaker then commented that a rattlesnake can stand just about anything except its own venom. When it cannot discharge the venom as fast as it is produced, it dies of its own accumulated poison." This story reminds me of myself sometimes. Last night at five o'clock Rich informed me he had committed to taking the Sister Missionaries to the Temple to watch a movie with an investigator. My Monday evenings are busy with"The Biggest Loser, and "Bachelor," I didn't really want to go to the Temple but Rich couldn't take them by himself. So off to the Temple we went and had a wonderful time watching the movie about Joseph Smith. Rich commented this morning on how easy our lives are compared to the pioneers. I don't know about him, but I think it's been pretty hard being a rattlesnake.

"Grandmas Against Guns?"

It's been a week since the Boston Larsens went home. Time is moving faster and faster the older I get. Yesterday I went shopping with my sister. We have both been on a diet for over a year now. Last week at our appointments, she stayed the same and I lost two pounds of the ten I had gained back last summer. I seem to do better in the cooler months because my mood is a little bit brighter. Anyway, Mell needs some smaller clothes and I love to shop, so I went with her. On the way home I realized I hadn't found one thing to spend Rich's money on and I knew he would be so proud of me. Besides, how many sweaters does an Arizona girl need anyway? I have been so sad about all the shootings around the country. I asked Rich last night how someone can get so out of control that they would use a gun to take someones life. After the school shootings in Connecticut I told him I wanted to start a "Grandmas against Guns" club. After listening to me for a minute he said, "what are you going to call it GAG?" He thinks he's pretty funny and sometimes he is, but this gun thing is getting scary.This morning as I was pondering about all this violence I thought of when I was in school. I would have never thought someone would bring a weapon to school and hurt me. The really bad kids would sneak around and smoke and maybe "make out." I look at my grandchildren and worry about the world they live in. I'm smart enough to know that it isn't the guns that are the problem, but it must be the lack of teaching morals in our families and schools. I know we have to walk in faith every day and hope that we will be inspired to do what is right and that we will be protected. Being fearful doesn't really help I've been there my whole life. I guess we can just live day to day praying for the angels to watch over our little ones and teach kindness when we can.