How Can It Already Be A Year?

Today is the one year anniversary since Rich's Mom Beth passed away. Time seems to be speeding by as it seems just like yesterday we were on our way to Utah for her funeral. Last week I was in the car while Mindi ran into the store to get something to take to the hospital for my niece Mary. I am the designated car babysitter so she doesn't have to take the kids in. Trulie was asleep and Troy had strep throat so we were just watching people go in and out. Troy said, "I just saw an old grandpa come out." I then said, "well I'm an old grandma." Troy answered back, "well you have an old grandpa too." I thought he was talking about my 83 year old Dad who is his great grandfather, when he said, "Grandpa Rich is your old grandpa." Aren't kids just "darling?" I have been under a huge amount of stress lately. Just trying to cope with chronic pain and worry about what to do, plus trying to change the way I eat has taken a huge toll on me. I usually use chocolate and sweets to cope with my problems but when you take those away I'm on my own. Some things have happened lately and things said that have broken my heart. It has made me doubt my self worth and my abilities as a wife and mother. As I came in from feeding the animals, I sat in the chair in my bedroom and had this wave of sadness come over me. As I began to cry I had this overwhelming feeling that Kamber is so sad right now. I have often wondered what it would be like to talk to someone on the other side. I have even prayed to have an experience with my Grandma or Aunt that I loved very much. Those prayers have never been answered but sometimes I feel them around me. I know I am powerless over those around me, Heck, I have a hard time controlling my own emotions and mouth, let alone anyone else. Life is short and as I get closer to sixty it's even shorter, hopefully I can do better so I can see those waiting for me on the other side and they won't be disappointed in the person I was.

Kaitlyn is Born, Dad Turns 83 WOW!

On Thursday my niece Mary delivered her baby girl Kaitlyn. On Friday my sister picked me up and we met our parents at the hospital to see this darling little bundle of joy. As we left both of us were glad to be way beyond birthing babies age. When we were visiting I asked my parents how many great grandchildren this makes. When they said "40" I was shocked. How can that be? As we drove home I was wondering if I would ever make it to see my "greats" born. Tristyn is almost fourteen so we still have a few years. Today is my Dads 83 birthday. They have lived in the same house for almost sixty years. In the past we have given him lots of golf related items, golf ball, shirts, golf club covers, anything that he could use when he golfs. Now that he has two artificial hips and it's getting harder and harder to get around on the course, he doesn't need anymore golf stuff. So this year for his birthday we got him something really special. I came up with the idea and ran it past my sister and when she told my brother Ben, all he said was "that's an unusual gift, but count me in." So yesterday Rich went to their home and installed a new handicapped toilet in their bathroom. They are so happy, they have called twice to thank us. Now that most of the grand kids are married and successful we took up a collection to help with the cost and it was nice to see who donated. Tonight we are having everyone over to celebrate Dads big day, hopefully I will survive.

"The Law of the Harvest"

Yesterday was an upsetting day for me. I was gone all day running errands. First I went with Candi to a couple of places and then to the doctor to get her foot looked at. She had an infected toe that was killing her and after going to Urgent Care on Sunday and still no better, she decided to see her foot surgeon. They worked her in and had to do surgery to get the toenail out that was causing the problem. I hope she is doing better today because as a hairdresser she stands on her feet all day long. After being home about 45 minutes I left with Mindi to drop Tristyn off at volleyball practice at ASU and then we went to visit my Dad in Scottsdale while my Mom works in the temple. Mindi and I love to visit with him and are thankful as his 83rd birthday approaches on Sunday he is still with us. During the day I had learned of an unpleasant incident that happened earlier in the day. I was trying really hard to not let it get to me, but as I got more and more information I realized what a poor job of parenting I did. I think when we get married we have good intentions of being the best wife and mother but in reality that is impossible at least it was for me. As I woke up at 4:30 a.m. this morning still feeling like I was going down to the depths of hell I remembered a story from a book I read when I first got sick 26 years ago. I was struggling with some scary health problems when I realized that most of my sickness was caused by my inability to forgive. The Greer's are notorious "grudge holders" maybe not all the Greer's, but this one for sure. In this book it talks about how the principle of forgiveness works. "When any serious grievance takes place, the Lord requires us to forgive the guilty party the moment the infraction occurs, if possible." Then he goes on to talk about an experiment they did at a rattlesnake farm near Salem, Oregon. One of the caretakers took one of his large rattlesnakes and put a forked stick behind its head so it could not coil to strike. Then he began to tantalize it with small chicks and other food. The snake kept trying to coil unsuccessfully, and venom dripped quite freely from its fangs. Within minutes the snake stiffened and died. "The caretaker then commented that a rattlesnake can stand just about anything except its own venom. When it cannot discharge the venom as fast as it is produced, it dies of its own accumulated poison. When you have any resentment, hurt, bitterness, or hatred in your heart, regardless of the cause, if you do not get rid of it at once through the spirit of forgiveness, the hatred will continue to fester and grow and increase, since that is the basic Law of the Harvest." As I talked to my Dad about my failure as a wife and mother all he said was, "I wouldn't take all the blame." Thanks Dad, maybe I'll just blame you and Mom.

"I Will Take My Own Problems"

After getting my work done this morning Mindi and I decided to run some errands. As we got in the car the gages told us we had two miles before we would run out of gas. We made it to the gas station filled up and off we went to Hobby Lobby. Mindi was taking ribbon back and I was buying some material to finish a quilt. We took a tour of the store, Mindi has to look at everything on sale and at a bargain price. We finally made it to the fabric dept. and got my piece of material cut. We headed for the front and after the girl rang me up I realized I had left my purse back at the cutting table. Mindi had to pay for my stuff and hers and then we went back and rescued my purse. Am I losing it or what? A few years ago I left my purse sitting next to a chair at the fitting room in Dillard's. Old age is definitely setting in. After we went and got lunch we headed over to the grocery store. I only needed a few things to get through the weekend and I hate going to the store on Sat. As we were walking in I told the nice guy at the door, "well we made it through another week." He said, "yeah, I can't believe I've made it through another week already." I then asked him why he wouldn't think he could make it. He began to tell me how he has diabetes and neuropathy in his feet, every step he takes is like walking on nails. He also has had two heart attacks and prostate cancer. I see this guy every time I go to the store and he is always so friendly and nice. I would never have known he had so many health problems. I then told him about my hip fiasco, $25,000 for an operation that doesn't seem to have solved the problem. I didn't want to go into all my other issues like anxiety disorder, obesity and just plain old worn out. He said, "I just try and not let anyone know I'm suffering." Unlike me, who wants to make sure everyone knows when I'm out of sorts. As we got our groceries and were paying for them the little girl who bags them is severely handicapped. I see her walking with two metal crutches and she doesn't talk very well either. I have visited with her before and I think she was born very premature and has had a rough go of it. As I left the store I realized that everyone has problems. Life is HARD, and it was meant to be that way so we can grow and learn from our trials. As I told my nice friend at the store, "I will take my own problems, they were meant for me to work out."

It's MLK Day and Trace's Eleventh Birthday

The Birthday Boy

Tristyn's Team Playing at ASU

I hate these holidays that aren't really celebrated by us, it's just another day for the kids to be out of school. I guess maybe if I went to downtown Phoenix and marched in the MLK parade it would feel more like a holiday. Rich and the guys are all working to get jobs done this week, so it's just another day in paradise for us. I spent all day Sat. watching Trent play basketball and Tristyn play in a volleyball tournament. This is a three day event that Mindi and Candi played in when they were her age. As I sat listening to all the girls scream and yell and the parents clapping and cheering their daughters on, I had a reflective moment. My grand kids are getting older and soon will be gone to college and on missions, then they could get married. YEAK! I see so much potential in each of them and hope they can keep on the right path so each of them can reach their potential. Today is Trace's birthday he is eleven now. He is such a sweet boy and is watching his brothers this morning while Mindi is with Tristyn at her tournament. How thankful I am to have these little kids to watch them grow and mature and feel of their goodness. With Rich's schedule with work and his church responsibilities I would be alone 95 percent of the time. I have heard girls comment that they could never live with their mothers or women say they couldn't live with their grandchildren, but this works for us. Sometimes its hard not to beat myself up for all the things I can't do, but I'm thankful for the things I can accomplish. If anything I hope to be a good example to my family especially these special kids I can share my life with. Hopefully we can make this a special day for Trace.

"The Power of Adversity"

A couple of months ago I lost my favorite reading glasses. I was sure the last place I saw them was my bedroom, so yesterday I decided to go on a "search and rescue" to find them. I even dusted off our night stands and looked in drawers, under the bed and all over my make up table. I didn't find my glasses but I found a little book that was given to us called "The POWER of Adversity, Reflections To Empower Your Life." I opened up the book and the introduction said, "There is not a single condition of life that is entirely unnecessary." There is not one hour's experience but what is beneficial to all those who make it their study, and aim to improve upon the experience they gain." Brigham Young Then it went on to say that "the Lord allows us to suffer that we may come unto Him. He tailors our trials for our good. His personal plan for us was created to ensure our optimal happiness and peace." What! He lets us suffer so we can have happiness and peace. I have to admit that after suffering the unbearable grief of having a grand child drown and then going through trial after trial with my health, I wonder sometimes when the happiness and peace comes. I was told the other day by someone close to me that they think I've given up, that I don't want to live anymore. Some days it would be easier to pull the sheets up over my head and hope to not take another breath, but there is a part of me that needs to keep fighting and hopefully overcome some of my faults and lack of hope and faith. All I know is that I don't like to suffer but will do the Lord's will for me. The last page of this little book had a quote by James E. Faust which said, "In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiner's fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright, intact, and strong." I'm hoping for that in my life.

Don't Know What's Coming Next

Yesterday was a busy day for us. Well, everyday seems to bring something different. Mindi had to drive Tristyn to volleyball practice so we decided to go by and see my Dad after dropping her off at ASU. We had a nice visit, I even talked to their 85 year old neighbor who I hadn't seen in ages. He's taking care of his wife with Dementia and his granddaughter with some sort of Palsy. I feel blessed every time I leave my parents home that they are still doing as well as they are, still living in their own home and my Mom is still driving to the Temple two days a week to work there. When we got back to the campus to pick Tristyn up from practice I waited in the car with the two younger kids while Mindi went in. As I sat watching all the students come and go it reminded me of when I was a student there. I remember parking and walking miles to my classes but these students had bikes and skateboards. I couldn't believe all the girls riding bikes. Back in the 70's when I was a co ed I did ride my bike a lot when I transferred to BYU. There was No Way my parents could afford a car for me, hence the bike riding all over campus and even to the grocery store. I remember buying too much food and then trying to find a way to get it home in bags and my backpack while pedaling around Provo. Then before I got married I moved back home and graduated from ASU. When it came time for Mindi to go to college she got a scholarship to play volleyball at ASU, but Spencer was given a football scholarship at the U of A, so even though most of us are Devils we cheer for the Wildcats now. Spencer is in the last year of his contract with the Broncos so there is a good possibility he will be on another team next year. What will I do with all those orange Denver shirts? I guess they will go the same place all those maroon and gold shirts did, to Goodwill. We never know what is around the next corner but hope we're up for the challenge.

Broncos In The Play Offs Minus Spencer

I was telling Rich the other day that between trying to diet, still having hip pain, and dealing with this stinking economy, I'm ready to throw in the towel. He is Mister Optimistic and I'm Debbie Downer, how do two people who are so different get together? That's a whole different story. Yesterday we went to church, ate dinner and then watched the Steelers vs. Broncos game. Spencer got hit in the knee last week and injured one of the ligaments in his surgically repaired knee. We felt thankful that the injury wasn't worse and knew our prayers had been answered, but knew he wouldn't be playing. The curse lives on, he has never been on a team that went to a bowl game or play offs since his sophomore year of high school. His team is playing in the play offs, minus him. Last week Mindi got a call from an old friend telling her about his aunt. She has terminal cancer but before she passes away wanted to go to a Broncos game. He wanted to know if Spencer could pull some strings and do something special for her. I guess her family got tickets for her and her husband to fly to Denver from Nebraska where they met up with some other friends and went to the game. After the game Spencer got tickets for them to go on the field to have some pictures taken. Then she got to go in the tunnel where she met up with Spencer and and he gave her a ball signed by all the players. Right now I think life is hard for me but when I hear of others trials I'm thankful for my own. We never know what we will have to deal with, work through, or put up with, I'm just thankful I have survived some of my adversities. I'm trying to keep my head out of the toilet and know that all these trials we have are for our good, they help us develop qualities we need to return home where we came from.

"Exercise My Faith?"

I woke up this morning feeling the same way I did 25 years ago when I was sent down to hell. I come from a long line of worriers so sometimes it gets the best of me. Last night as Rich and I were talking about some struggles, he reminded me that I "don't exercise my faith enough." What does that even mean? What is faith and why don't I have any? When I was a young mother with four small children we had some major setbacks. Rich quit a good job to start his own business, the stock market tanked and there wasn't any work. I then suffered a miscarriage, gall bladder, ear and knee surgery all within a couple of months. After that I started having severe bouts of anxiety, depression, dizziness and some strange symptoms that still keep me close to home. I've been trying to write my feelings down because that is suppose to bring all the thoughts out of my brain and on paper. As I was writing this morning I got sadder and sadder, as the tears started I felt some relief, so I went in to start my work. I had a thought come into my mind, "I sure wish I could talk to my Grandma Fern, Aunt Tenna, or even Kamber," all who have passed away. Maybe they could give me some encouragement and tell me that every experience I have on earth will be worth it when I go to the other side. Every pain in my hip will be worth it if my suffering helps me come closer to the Savior. When I went with Candi on Tues. we ran into a cousin of B.J.s whose sister was murdered last August. As she talked about her feelings of losing her sister and best friend I felt so bad for her. Their family is going through a very hard time right now. Life is hard, I know I can do hard things because I'm still here. Yesterday was my Aunt Tenna's birthday. She would have been 84 had she survived her heart surgery. She was an inspiration to me and I wish I could be half the person she was. We are all asked to do things that are hard, I'm hoping this new year will be better, but if it isn't hopefully I can endure what is asked of me and work on that "mustard seed of faith" I have.

Dieting Through the Holidays?

It's been a while since I've written, mostly because there is so much to do around here with putting Christmas away and cleaning for the New Year. Dave put a new Wi Fi thingy on our computer, so for a couple of days the Internet wasn't working. I was hoping to bring a new and improved attitude into 2012 but within a couple of days I was back where I ended. Wow, it is so hard to change personality traits and that makes life complicated for me sometimes. My sister, Mindi and I all started a diet around Thanksgiving, I know horrible timing. Anyway, it's been really hard but we are all having some success. After trying all of the other diets, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, even almost having lap band surgery, we found a Naturpathic doctor that is having success with us fatties in helping fight the battle of the bulge. Combined last week the three of us lost over ten pounds, which she was so happy with because it was during Christmas. I know everyone has something in their life they use to help fight stress, depression, anxiety and all the things living this earthly life gives us. I am aware that some use drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, and anything else to take away the pain. It seems in my family a lot of us use food to medicate ourselves. We even live in a culture that seems to celebrate everything with food, especially "treats." I think a lot of us are addicted to sugar which is my "drug of choice." I was talking to Candi yesterday as I went with her running errands and she said she eats when shes bored. That's why she loves to work because she can control her appetite on the days she works. She said if she was a "stay at home mom" like I was, she would be large. I have noticed that as I try and control my calories, it has made me more emotional and irritable. I was told by a friend that when you try and lose weight, or body mass, it does bring up the emotions that have caused you to put on the weight in the first place. I know for our family times are tough. The economy hurts small businesses like ours and especially when you have people who won't pay you for the work you do for them. Rich's sister in Utah and her husband have a tile business and they don't have any work right now. At least Rich and Dave are working everyday. As Candi and I were driving home yesterday through a run down part of Mesa she made the comment that things could be so much worse for us. I know I don't deserve most of what I've been given, great parents and a wonderful supportive family, now if the pounds could just keep coming off it will be worth it.