Mell and I "Petitie Elephant" Shopping

Mindi Me Barb Mom Mell

My Mother gave me the assignment to get a bridal shower gift for a cousin of mine. She lives in a part of Scottsdale that doesn't have anything close for her to shop, so because she thinks I'm a professional shopper I got the honor. Since Mindi has been pregnant she doesn't want to go anywhere other than the grocery store, the feed store, oh maybe Kohl's if she needs something. So I called my sister Mell and asked her if she wanted to take me to get the gift and hit a few other stores who were having good sales. So off we went shopping. My sister taught school for 32 years so she was too busy when our kids were young to go shopping but since she's been retired we have been able to do a few things together. It took us an hour to get the gift and then we went to the mall to see if we could find any bargains in "petite elephant" sizes. That's what we call Plus Size clothing. Thanks Spencer and Annie for the gift card. On the way home we talked about our lives and did some comparing. I have always felt regret that I didn't get a job after my kids were in school. I had my degree but never got to pursue a career because taking care of the house chores and my four kids was hard enough. My sister on the other hand was married to a school teacher so she needed to work to help support her family. This has left all the work on Rich who loves his job and serving in the church but he would have appreciated some help. I always felt that if I had a job I would be thin like my Mother. As we talked about our weight issues we concluded that it was either Mom's fault for feeding us delicious food, or it was genetic, or maybe a combination of both. Why can't we just be happy with who and what we are? Anyway, the shower was wonderful I got to see my favorite cousin Barb who I adore, and the food was awesome. Maybe it's just my lack of will power that I'm "thick" whatever it is I have only myself to blame.

5 lbs of Milk Chocolate and a White Lab

On Monday Spencer, Annie and the kids left to go home to Colorado. As I was helping them get packed the night before I began to feel really uneasy. I told Annie I was having the same feelings I did when Spencer left for Chile on his mission. He's been home for over five years so why would those feelings come back to haunt me now? I guess that with all the uncertainty in the NFL right now, none of us really know what is going to happen to them. Will they have a job? When will they be able to come visit again? It doesn't matter how old my kids get I still seem to worry about them everyday. About an hour after they left Ethan showed up to move some stuff in the garage, then Jenn called and brought her kids over to play while she helped Mindi. Candi came over a little bit later with her boys and did some hair. So my sadness quickly left when the chaos of all my other grand children showed up. It was President's Day so the kids didn't have school, it was so nice when the bus pulled up and the children climbed on yesterday morning. Mindi and I spent the day running errands and doing laundry. I have been kind of "in the toilet," sometimes my life just isn't what I thought it was going to be. I have had expectations of what my life would be, but it is far from what I was hoping for when I was younger. I continue to struggle with the loss of Kamber and the relationship that won't happen on this earth. There are also relationships that suffer because of selfishness and ingratitude on my part. Life has been hard for me for a long time struggling with health and emotional problems and I wonder what choices I have made and keep making that make the suffering worse. I wish I had the courage to step out into the darkness and have faith that all will be okay, but I guess my lack of faith will keep me in this place forever. This past weekend Spencer and Annie went to Chicago. They brought me back the biggest Hershey chocolate bar I have ever seen, it is 5 lbs. of solid milk chocolate. They also gave me the news that Trixie wouldn't be making the trip back to Colorado with them. I think that was a really smart move on their part after visiting them and seeing their lifestyle. So I am now the proud owner of a one-year-old white lab who will hopefully soon move out of the puppy stage and stop chewing up everything in the back yard and knocking down my door twice a day when she wants to be fed. Maybe some day they will be in a position to have their dog, I'm not going to hold my breath but it gives me something to pray for.

Who wants some Chocolate???

The Senility Prayer

The weeks are going by fast as we are closing in on the end of February. Yesterday was my son-in-law Dave's birthday and tomorrow is Mindi's big 34. How can such a spring chicken like me have a daughter that old? It seems like with three birthdays and a funeral my life would be busy and my social calendar full, but I'm sure we will find some more activities to fill in the blank days. Tomorrow we have Trent's football tournament and then Tristyn's volleyball games next Sat. A good friend in the ward called this morning and invited Mindi and I to go to lunch for her birthday. That makes three visits to Tia Rosa's in a weeks time. I hate to even think about the havoc it reeks on my diet. How many calories are in chips and salsa, a cheese enchilada, beans, rice and a cheese crisp anyway? I'm sure way more than I'm burning off doing dishes and laundry.
Last year I started a quilt for Dave. Mindi and I rounded up all his old T-shirts from high school, his mission, and trips he took before he got married. I have had them in a pile for a whole year without doing one thing on them. Well, this week I decided to get it done for his birthday. I worked at least three hours a day all week and finally got it all put together except for blind hemming the binding on it. Around ten o'clock last night I took it in to him as he was having a piece of his birthday cheesecake. He seems to really like it and gave me a little hug. That was huge, because as I have said before we Larsen's aren't very affectionate to each other. Now tomorrow we will need to find a way to celebrate with Mindi. I'm going to suggest something other than Mexican food for her dinner. Life continues to teach me lessons I need to learn. Sometimes I wonder why the trials can't be taken away but then I realize it could be so much worse, so I'm trying to move towards accepting my life and myself the way it is. In my house I have a lot of little signs that I have been given as gifts or that I have bought myself. While I was in the laundry room throwing some clothes in the dryer I noticed one of my favorite sayings.

It says: The Senility Prayer

God Grant Me

The senility to forget the people I never liked.

The good fortune to run into the ones I do like.

And the eyesight to tell the difference!

That says it all.

Flowers, Card and Dinner

After complaining about how much I hate Valentine's Day Rich surprised me with flowers, a sweet card and dinner at Tia Rosa's. This last month has been crazy with me traveling between Gilbert and Denver, then a week later up to Salt Lake for Grandma Beth's funeral. I am a very simple person with simple needs. Because I have anxiety I hate to be in crowds of people and especially struggle in big stores like Costco and Wal Mart. I was feeling extremely sad on Sunday because Rich had worked six long days and then spent the Sabbath away from 6 a.m. to 10:00 p.m. with his church responsibilities. I am content just being a visiting teacher and even then going in to sisters homes is hard for me. Rich has spent our whole marriage serving in every calling imaginable. I have tried supporting him but I must admit at times it has gotten hard to watch him go on trips with the youth, outings with the scouts and to the Temple with the Young Women, leaving me behind. I feel extremely blessed to have a husband that tries very hard to live the gospel and serve when asked. Last night as we were getting ready for bed he said, "I just hate getting old." We are both feeling the affects of getting close to sixty. Anyway, all I could think of answering him with was, "what do you want to do, live forever?" I really think Rich would like to live for a very long time. Anyway, it was fun going out to eat by ourselves it has been a really long time since we went out alone. Hopefully we will be able to do it again soon.

You Have To Love Valentine's Day!

I hate Valentine's Day almost as much as my birthday. Even as a young child and teenager it was a holiday I was glad to see come to an end. Rich has always been good about getting me some flowers or a treat but the cards are so corny and gushy that there is no way I would embarrass myself by giving them. I usually just make my famous sugar cookies with the pink frosting and the candy hearts on them. With Rich dieting and my blood sugar climbing, I think I will pass on that tradition also. Today in church the talks all revolved around loving our families, spouses, children, even our pets, (not really I just included them.) I'm not very good at telling my family that I love them, but I try to show them by doing the laundry, dishes, ironing, cleaning and all those motherly and wifely duties. I admire those families when you hear them talking to a member of their family they say "love you" when their conversations are over. There again that isn't the way I was raised, I would have fallen over dead if one of my siblings told me they loved me. My Mom does tell me a lot how much she loves me and how "darling" I am, I appreciate that. If your own Mom doesn't love you, I would say you've got some serious problems. Last week at the cemetery celebrating Kamber's birthday I saw the most beautiful flower arrangement on a grave close by. I walked over to look at it and at first didn't realize what it meant. There was a large circle filled with white carnations. On one side of the circle was a collection of red roses in the shape of half of a heart. As I looked closer at the headstone I realized that these flowers were put on the grave of a husband who passed away last summer. This would be the first Valentine's Day the wife would be celebrating without her spouse. Some of my other family members came over to see what I was looking at and my Uncle commented that the flowers represented a "broken heart." I had to take a picture because I thought it was so pretty. Every time I go to the cemetery it reminds me how fragile life can be. We never know when it will be our time to go back to the spirit world where we came from. I need to get a better attitude about Valentine's Day, maybe I'll make those sugar cookies after all, then again maybe someone will make some for me!

My Life Is A Blurrr

I can't believe it's already been a week since I was up in Utah eating a Mexican dinner with our extended family on Rich's side. My life has been a blurrrrr since I went to Colorado, home for a week and then up to Utah for another week. I have been so tired but super glad to be home and sleeping in my own bed. Yesterday was a really busy day running errands and cleaning to get my house ready to celebrate Kamber's birthday. We all met at the cemetery and let the kids send off purple balloons in memory of her. My Mom, her brother Carl and his wife Sue surprised us and came to spend time with our family. It meant a lot because they are very special to me. Carl is my Mom's only surviving family member, the rest have all passed to the other side. Sue and Carl's first baby, a girl named Cinda Sue was stillborn, so they understand how hard it is to bury a child. I admire them so much, he being a Vietnam Veteran and all the service they have done in their lives. They live in California but come to Arizona to get away for a while. It's always fun to see them. I went to the doctor today to go over the blood work that was taken before I left town. There are a few things that are a little concerning, but hopefully nothing too serious. Since having my hip surgery I have been extremely tired, and sometimes really depressed. Some days it feels like my hip is getting better and then others where I need my cane to walk. Everyone says it just takes time to get my strength built up, but on Monday it will be five months since my operation. After being in the cold for a couple of weeks I'm getting anxious for it to get hot so I can get in my pool and exercise. That means over a hundred degrees for a week or two to even get it to warm up. Is that me hoping for hot weather? I know I will wish I were in Utah or Colorado in a few months, I guess I will never be happy. Life continues to teach me lessons I need to know. I wish I had listened to the spirit and called Beth on the Sunday before she passed away. I need to be better at doing the things I'm prompted to do. I miss Kamber everyday but know she is in a wonderful place with family who LOVE her. Those of us who are still here keep trudging along until it's out turn to join her.

Glad To Be Home

I've spent the last six days taking the "slow boat to China," I mean Salt Lake City to attend the funeral of Rich's Mom, Beth. We left last week on Thurs, morning traveling to Las Vegas and then arriving in Salt Lake on Friday afternoon. Rich, Mindi, Candi, Spencer and Annie all flew, but I rode up with Ethan, Jenn and their children. Friday evening we got together with all the extended family at a Mexican restaurant where we ate and visited. After dinner we went to the church to continue the get together and Rich's sister Marybeth brought out all of her Mom's possessions for the kids and grand kids to pick from. Everyone got something of Grandma's and that was special. On Sat. we had a viewing before the funeral, then the funeral, the grave site and dinner back at the church. She looked beautiful, better than I had seen her in a long time. Having a debilitating illness seems to age you, I know that my hip surgery has taken a toll on the way I look and feel. On Sat. evening we all went back to Rich's sisters house, had dinner and visited with the family until late in the evening. It's always fun to see the grand-kids and great-grand kids and see them all grown up. Mindi and Candi flew back home after the funeral but Rich, Spencer and Annie stayed until Sunday morning when they flew home. That left us "slow boaters" to spend another night in Utah. We decided to go to Temple Square because Jenn had never been there. It was a spiritual feast for us as we walked the Temple grounds and then went over to the new Conference Center and took a short tour. We enjoyed the sweet feelings we felt as a family in a sacred place. After we were finished in downtown we promised the girls we would take them to the snow. So off we went up to the ski resort and found a place for them to play in the snow. That was a huge mistake because it was 29 degrees and they only lasted about 30 seconds before they were crying and in pain from the cold. Jenn was feeling like she was getting the flu so we went back to our hotel ate dinner and watched the Super Bowl. I don't think I have ever watched the game from a hotel room but we were so tired it was nice to just relax on the bed. We got up on Monday morning and headed back to Vegas, spent the night there and then came on home yesterday. It was so nice seeing all the extended family and I am so proud of all my children making the sacrifice to honor their grandmother. I know it will be a while before I will be taking another trip, but it was wonderful to spend some time with Ethan and his kids, they are "darling." Now the hard part starts, getting my house clean, laundry done and catching up on my sleep. Plus tomorrow is a big day because it is Kamber's birthday and we will be getting together again for that. I'm so thankful for my family and for the knowledge that we will be together again no matter what happens. Hopefully Kamber and Beth have been able to visit and they both know how much we miss and love them.

All of the grandsons were pallbearers.

Us and our four kids at the grave site.

Rich and his siblings and spouses.

Me at Temple Square.

On the roof of the conference center.

In front of the statue of Christ.

"Death Is Merciful"

Yesterday I was sad all day long. I couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me. Was it "jet lag" from spending a week in the car with four small children? Was it disappointment in myself in the way I look and feel? Was it hoping that life was different and better than it is? I thought about Kamber all day long knowing that in ten short days it would be her birthday. Anyway, I watched a little t.v. took a long hot bath and was going to bed around 9:45 when the phone rang. I didn't recognize the voice but she seemed upset and wanted to talk to Richard. There are only a few people who call my husband Richard and they all live in Utah, plus it was an 801 area code, so I knew it was a call from someone up there. All I heard on the phone was a sad tone and him asking what he could do to help. When he hang up and I asked him who it was on the phone, he told me it was his sister and that his Mom had passed away. We are in shock, even though she has suffered from Parkinson's disease for a long time, we were hoping that she was doing well. On Sunday I told Rich that we needed to call his Mom and see how she was, it had been a while. We had a crazy busy day with ward conference, home teachers and dinner. Anyway, we never did make the call, and now that opportunity to visit with her is lost forever. As I said yesterday, each day is a gift and it is what we make of it that counts. I don't know what the funeral arrangements are now, I am hoping that most of our family can travel the twelve hours to Salt Lake City to be with our extended family who live up there. I remember when my Grandma Slade passed away I was so upset. She was 86 years old and spent most of her time in bed. As I was crying at her funeral my Dad said, "Teri, in lots of cases, death is merciful." I've never forgotten that. I know Grandma Beth has suffered so much with the illness she had to bare. I hope she is pain free and at peace, we love her and will miss her until we see her again on the other side.