I Need A Gratitude Journal

I woke up this morning at 5:00 a.m. trying to find a way to get up enough courage to call my doctor and tell him these staples have to come out TODAY. I would think of all the reasons why and all the lies I would tell him until I worked myself up into such a tizzy it was sad. When Rich came home from exercising and was getting in the shower I asked him if he would please call my doctor and beg them to help me get these staples out. All I heard from him was "Oh Dewsie." I knew that meant he wasn't going to do it. I then went on to say something like, "I know you like to watch me suffer" and went on my way. Why should he care, he left today for Salt Lake. He always goes up for his missionary reunion and this year his Mother isn't doing that well so that was his excuse. So again I am left behind to enjoy the weekend by myself dragging a walker and complaining about how bad my butt hurts.
As I look back on my life I sometimes dwell on all the times I've been left behind while others have traveled, worked, played and I stayed home, mostly by choice, to take care of kids and animals. One of my children asked me the other day, "Mom, what happened that you decided you didn't want to go and do anything anymore?" I have reflected on that question many times as I have remembered all the experiences that lead up to my anxiety disorder. At one time I felt like I had a wonderful life and I was just "fat, dumb and happy." My world fell apart when I suffered a miscarriage, had radiation on my thyroid and had three surgeries in one month. It was more than I could take and my ability to cope with everyday life came to a screeching halt. There was a time I couldn't even go outside and get the mail out of our mailbox.
I have often wondered why an educated, athletic, dedicated person would have to go through what was asked of me. Rich and I were talking about this the other day. Why does it seem like so many people are going through such hard times? I don't have any answers, I hope that someday I will understand the purpose of suffering. I know it can always get worse so I'm trying not to complain too much. I guess this is where keeping a "gratitude journal" would come in handy. I know I have so many blessings, I just hope that when I'm feeling better I will be able to go on a trip somewhere. I may even decide that I'm going to move away somewhere it isn't hotter than *&^% everyday. Does anyone want to move away somewhere with me?

6 More Days

I thought I knew what Hell was when Kamber went back to Heaven. I guess there are many different types. We must have to make several trips through Hell to make sure that we do not want to end up there when we die. This hip thing is the Hell that I'm going through at this time. I told Mindi this morning that I can't spend one more day in bed. I'm losing what little brain cells I have left moving from the bed to the chair to the couch. I haven't been able to sleep more than two or three hours in a row since my surgery and I know without sleep I'm a mess. I still have 27 staples in my butt that are a huge" thorn in my side" but I only have six more days until they come out. I tried begging them to take them out early but they "never take them out before three weeks."

I think the worst thing about this whole experience is not being able to do anything for myself. I have Mindi or Rich help me shower and get dressed and my parents have been great to come over and help me do my laundry and dishes. I absolutely hate having to use a walker to get around. Dragging it around on my wood floor and tile is like running your fingernails on a chalkboard. Hopefully I will be walking without it soon. All I can think about is how bad I feel for anyone who has to go through a joint replacement.

I know I sound really down, I have been in these dark places before and crawled out so eventually I hope to be back to normal and shopping at the Mall. It kills me that Dillards is having an extra 40% off and I can't go. I think I would be happy with a little trip to the Dairy Queen right now.

I have so many blessings I'm ashamed to complain about my life. The fact that technology has advanced to the place where my wonderful surgeon could fix me is such an incredible blessing.
I am also aware of the extremely hard trials others are going through, all I can do is talk about my thoughts and feelings. I have had so many friends and family who have come by to see me or called to check on me. I appreciate every act of kindness that has been rendered. I don't deserve it that's for sure.

I am sure this trial will pass and I will be grateful that I was able to survive it. I know that my life will be easier and I am still trying to convince myself that I can do hard things. Right now I am just looking for something to do to help pass the time. I miss sewing and shopping that is for sure but I know that I will be back at it in no time.

Praying For Sleep

I'm trying to keep from losing my mind, what little is left of it. I'm so tired of being in my bedroom that I could scream! I knew this surgery would be hard. I was worrying about all the pain and discomfort that went with it. What I didn't realize was the toll it would take on my mental health. I know that when I go under any anesthetic it takes a while to be able to think clearly. I have kind of gone through a grieving process. At first I was in denial that I needed surgery, then I got pissed off, then I asked Heavenly Father to just put a new one in while I slept. When that didn't happen I finally realized that my life was going to be worthless if I had to be in a wheelchair and constant pain. It has almost been two weeks now and hopefully I will be able to feel some good changes soon.
On Friday I was so tired of being in the house I decided to go with Mindi to run a couple of errands. When we got to our first stop I had her move me to the back seat thinking I would be more comfortable. When we got to the second stop I had her move me back up front because the back wasn't working for me. By the time I got home I was in a lot of pain and regretted leaving the house. I spent all day yesterday trying to recover from my little outing. Life shouldn't be like this. My sister told me to just take a pain pill and go to bed. So I did what she suggested and at 11:00 p.m. I popped one of my pain pills. At 2:15 I was still awake. I obviously had some weird reaction to the medication and at times I felt like I was going to stop breathing. I won't be taking any more of that medication.
I remember after Kamber passed away I would look around and see that everyone elses lives kept going on. No one was aware of the deep dark hole I was living in. I guess until you go through something you have NO IDEA what it is like. I guess that is why we need adversities so we can be tested to see how we will handle them. All I know is that I hope it will be a long time before I go through a major trial, I need some rest. I just want one good nights sleep, is that too much to ask for? I need to put the rose colored glasses on and do the best I can to endure this, hopefully it will make me a more compassionate person.

Clean Sheets and Scorrpions

I love to get into bed when my sheets are clean. My parents came over yesterday and helped me get all my laundry done and my Mom ironed Rich's shirts while my Dad helped me do my exercises. I don't know what I would do without them going through this wonderful experience, they have been great. Mindi took my Dad over to Taco Bell to get us some lunch and that was fun just sitting and eating together. My parents were both school teachers so after I got married they were too busy to come help me. They also work in the Temple two days a week so they aren't available on Tues. and Wed. for service. I think because my Dad has had two hip replacements and talked me into doing this surgery he has taken a special interest in my recovery. I was a hard teenager and he was tough on me but since I am older and more mature we can finally get along.
I was so excited to get into bed last night and when my sheets are clean I feel like I am safe from scorpions. WRONG! At 2:00 a.m. I felt that lovely little sensation and realized that I had been stung. I woke Rich up and turned on my light so he could come kill it. I then did my usual treatment of Benadryl, Aleve, ice, oils and anything else I can think of to get rid of the pain.This one was a very small one and it got me on my right arm so hopefully it won't get as big and red as some of the others. I don't understand why they come my way. Rich is only a few inches over but they seem to always come over to my side. Rich even made the comment this morning that I get stung way more than he does. I guess I'm just lucky.
I'm counting down the days until I get these hideous staples out of my butt. They itch and pull and hurt and it is miserable. I will be so happy when I'm back to normal and able to sit in a chair and walk without a walker and have my strength back. Until then I will just keep taking it "one day at a time" like my Dad told me to do yesterday. He's been through it and he should know.

Be Good To Your Hips

I usually love the first of Sept. when all the new shows start. I am a reality show junkie. I think because I am afraid of flying or going very far from home I admire all those people who are brave enough to go on these shows. I think the Amazing Race and Survivor are my favorites, isn't that ironic that someone with Agoraphobia would like shows that are traveling around the world and being stuck out in the jungle? I know there is something really wrong with me, but it is what it is.
Today though I think I've reached the limit on my television watching. I woke up at 5:00 a.m. and watched the early morning news until I went back to sleep around 6:30. I then got showered and ate breakfast and watched The Price Is Right while I worked on a quilt for Kylie's birthday tomorrow. This is getting really old not being able to even pick something up off the floor. I then watched Dr. Phil and was in the middle of Oprah when a dear friend called from Utah. I was so glad to have someone distract me for a little while, thanks Cinda. I then was in watching Glenn Beck when my doorbell rang, it was another friend of mine who brings us her coupons. So I decided that instead of watching Judge Judy I would get up and sit in a chair for a while and write about this wonderful experience I have been given to endure.
I called yesterday to get an appointment to get these hideous 27 metal staples out of my butt. I was told that they have to stay in for three weeks. I just about said some bad words but instead I said, "well what happens if they just fall out?" She answered, "they won't." I said "well what if I just take them out myself?" All I heard her say was, "better not!" Now seriously, do they expect me to keep 27 metal staples pulling all my fat and skin together so tight I can hardly walk in for three weeks?
I'm warning everyone I know to be good to your hips. This is definitely not for sissies and I feel so sorry for all those 70 and 80 year old grannies that have had to go through this. It truly is hell! I have been really lucky so far, (knock on wood) because I only stayed two days in the hospital and came home. I know there are people who stay in the hospital a week and then have to go to a care center for more rehab before going home. I would be insane if that happened to me. I know it could always be worse. I am aware that there is suffering going on all around me. I wonder sometimes what the "Plan of Happiness" really is. The sun will come up again tomorrow and I will be one step closer to getting these nasty staples out, then will I be happy?

Get Out Of The Doldrums

I'm still trying to convince myself that I can do hard things. I know to some people having hip replacement surgery is easy compared to the trials others are enduring but this is my challenge now, so I can only talk about it.

One week ago I had a HELL day. I was so scared to have this surgery my parents came over and spent the day with me to keep me distracted. I think my Mom said something like, "your Dad and I are here to pull you out of the doldrums." I then called my sister and asked her if she could come spend the night with me just in case I might go crazy in the night and do something I would regret. I remember the nurse telling me to drink as much as poasible the day before so I would be hydrated, so I drank water and Gatorade up until the midnight cut off time. I think one of the worst things about any surgery is that you can't have anything to drink from midnight on. My mouth became so dry I could feel my lips starting to crack. They gave me a little water in the pre-op with some pills the doctor ordered but nothing else. I think I'm still thirsty.

I am doing so well considering it has only been one week, but I still can't get comfortable in any chair, couch or bed. I woke up at 12:15 a.m. and at 4:30 I was still awake. I'm not in pain just uncomfortable. Besides being thirsty and sleep deprived life is moving along. This morning the depression set in. I think that is common in people who have been through a major surgery with anesthesia. I have to use a walker to get around so that means someone has to help me get anything I need. Mindi has been so good to not complain about helping me. She has to stand outside the shower in case I might fall and then has to put stuff on my stiches and cover them with bandages. I am going to owe her big time.

One thing about becoming disabled is that you really know who cares about you and who doesn't. People in the ward have been so kind to bring meals in for our family. It tasted so good after eating hospital food for two days. I know it is hard dealing with a family member who is ill or injured but that is when you need compassion the most. My eyes have been opened at how I need to be improve on my charity when others are going through trials. I hope I can get through this and become more aware of those around me that are suffering. Right now I just want a good night's sleep.

One of my Battle Wounds. The scar and staples are a but too gross to show.

Forever Thankful!

Life is Hard. I found out this week that I can do HARD things. I will never say that I like doing hard things, just that I can. It felt like heaven coming home yesterday. I was in the hospital less than 48 hours but the walls were starting to close in on me. When I walked out of Banner Desert it was 107 degrees. It was nice to be outside but the heat almost took my breath away. My parents brought me home and stayed the day with me. I don't know what I would do without my family and friends. I had a dear friend spend two nights with me lying on the floor next to me on a fold out cot. She would get me ice, jello, yogurt and anything else I needed. She was there to talk to me when I couldn't sleep, which was most of the time. She then would get up in the morning and after my parents would arrive she would leave and go to work. What a special friend, I will never be able to repay her for her kindness.
Poor Mindi has had to take on being my parent. I know it is hard but I so appreciate her. She not only has to take care of her family but now has the responsibility to do all the things that I did like feed the animals, do my laundry and get my food. I know it sucks to be in her situation but she never complains, I love that about her. I hope someday to be there for her.
Now that I am home I have slept a little bit better. The nurses kept trying to give me heavy duty narcotics because I wasn't sleeping but I don't believe in taking pain meds when I wasn't in pain. The nurses couldn't believe how well I did. I am so thankful that I heal really fast. My Mom kept telling me that I could do this hard thing because I came from "pioneer stock" whatever that means. I do know that some of my ancestors came across the plains and had to drive their covered wagons over the mountains of Northern Arizona called Hole in the Rock and that was a really hard thing to do.
It's good to be home and have this behind me. I pray that it will be a while before my next really hard thing hits. I am thankful for all the prayers and kindnesses I have received. I felt my Heavenly Father's love as I stayed calm in the Pre-Op. There were times that I felt like just getting out of there but I had done so much work and worry to prepare to be there I was proud that I didn't have a break down. Thanks to everyone who cares, I am aware that their are people who are not as blessed as I am with the wonderful support system I have. I feel so bad for them, I must have done something in the pre existence to deserve the blessings I have been given. Again thank you for your prayers, food and treats, I love you all! Teri

She is Home!

Okay, so there really is not much more to say. She did not sleep well the two nights that she was in the hospital. She was able to come home yesterday and that has been way better for her. She said that she slept more last night than she had both nights in the hospital, so I guess that is a plus. I asked her what she wanted me to tell you guys and all she said was, "tell them OUCH!" She is in quite a bit of pain but I am sure that each day will get a little easier. Physical therapists are coming today and I am sure she is going to love that. Hopefully she will be back to her old self soon and she can fill you in on all the details that I missed.
(Do you think I said "she" enough?)
Mindi

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1.02.28

Update on Mom

I just thought I would give a quick update on my mom and her surgery. We went to the hospital at 10:30 this morning and got her checked in. At 12:00 she went back to pre-op to get changed, hooked up to an IV and get ready for the 1:30 surgery time. The very thing that we did not want to happen to my overly anxious mother happened. The doctor did not come in until about 2:30. He was running way behind and that just gave her more time to worry and fret. When I had to leave at 3:00 she still had not been taken back but it was not long after I left that they got started.

My dad just called me at 6:00 and said that the doctor had just come out to talk to them. What was supposed to be a one hour surgery ended up being two and a half hours. The doctor said that it was quite an ordeal and they had a hard time getting the "ball out of the socket." This is what my dad said. (I think) It sounds to me that it was worse than they had thought. I hope that we will find out more of the details tomorrow. Anyway, that is where we are right now. Hopefully she can get some sleep tonight. I know that she has only had about three hours a night for the past week or two.

She wanted me to tell everyone "thank you" for all of the prayers and words of encouragement. She felt your love and appreciates all of you. I will try to keep you caught up on how she is doing.

Mindi

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1.02.28

I Hate Adversity!

Mom Dad and sister Mell

Mindi Me Barb Mom and Mell at the Corn Party

Last night is the first time I felt like I actually slept in a long time. I don't know if it was going to the Temple yesterday or the drugs I took when I got home. Anyway, I'm thankful for every moment that I don't have anxiety. If you haven't ever experienced anxiety or panic attacks consider yourself the luckiest person in the world.

This week has been full of all the last minute details that lead up to having surgery. I met with the hospital education dept. where they tell you everything that will be going on while you are in the hospital. I find that whenever I get told a whole lot of information about this dreaded event I don't sleep. I guess my brain in really small and when I get too much swirling around in there it is hard to process. I'm just hoping I can keep my sanity to get through three more days.

Little baby Abney was released from the hospital this week. They did a procedure so that Annie can give her the antibiotics she needs for a few more weeks. We feel so blessed that her life has been spared and can't wait to be able to hold her and look into her big blue eyes. Annie says she has a temper so that's a good thing. Better that she's pissed off than too sick to let your know how she's felling.

For the last twenty years my parents have planted a huge garden in Eagar that is where my Dad grew up. He has five acres of land with a little house that Rich and Lennie built for them a long time ago. They start planting in May and then after irrigating and getting the weeds out all summer it is time to harvest. The first week of September they drive the four hours and pick the corn, squash, carrots, beets, tomatoes and my favorite the pumpkins. They bring all that stuff home and then the ward members help them cook it all and they have what is called the "Corn Party." Last night was this wonderful event. It is like going back in time when you step back into the church where you grew up and you see all the people who you thought were old back in the 60's and 70's are even older now. My sister and I decided this week on the way home from the hospital that neither one of us will live as long as our parents. I guess the fact of being fat is a complication for almost ever ailment there is made us come to that conclusion.

I hate adversity! Sometimes we have this feeling that once we live through a trial we never wanted to, or thought we would have to, that we are safe for the rest of our lives. The older I get the more I realize that our whole lives are just experiences either good or bad, happy or sad, that change who we are. They knock off some of those rough edges we have like pride, selfishness, being judgemental, and just about everything that makes us the "natural man." I do know that when I'm facing a hard trial I am more earnest in my prayers, scripture reading, journal writing and all those things we are asked to do. I guess it is because through doing these things we realize just how much our Heavenly Father loves us and wants the best for us. We can only learn these things by having adversity in our lives. Did I say I hate adversity? I do like the way it makes me more humble and prayerful, but I could use a break with the anxiety.

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1.02.28

Don't Let Fear Govern My Life

Yesterday was horrible for me. I have had such bad anxiety I was having some really scary thoughts. Last night as Rich and I were getting ready for bed I started to cry. I told him he didn't understand just how hard this surgery decision has been for me. To him it is a NO BRAINER, do you want to be in a wheelchair or take a risk that just maybe your life may get better? I had another sleepless night until I finally bit the bullet and took some meds. Well, the sun came up, my mood was a little bit better and my fears had gotten less debilitating. My parents who have been really worried about me called to see what kind of a night I had. I truly do not know what I would do without family who love me and care about my well being. My Mom has a friend who had said she wanted to talk to me. She has recently lost her husband, and while taking a little trip after his funeral she fell down some stairs and broke her elbow. She is going in to surgery on Thurs. to have the pin taken out. She was so very kind to me. She gave me some great insight on how I owe it to my grandchildren to have this surgery so I can be there for them. I also might some day be able to watch Spencer play in a game, but because of my pain and fears that hasn't happened yet. My sister then called and gave me her little lecture. Aren't that what older sisters do? She even offered to come over with her husband and play cards to keep my crazy mind distracted. She told me about President Hinckley who said that he doesn't let his fears govern his life.
Spencer called tonight and gave us some good news. Their little baby is doing so well they are sending her home from the hospital tomorrow. They did a little surgical procedure so that they can give her the antibiotics at home. Annie has spent every day and night in the hospital since she was admitted almost three weeks ago. Spencer made the comment about how sad it is to see all the little babies in the NICU whose parents don't even come to see them. If they are there they are outside smoking, he feels so sorry for these little children who he feels really don't have a chance because of their parents behavior.
I have decided that I need to be thankful that I live in a time where the advances in medicine and with the skill of good surgeons I will hopefully be able to do things I haven't been able to do for a long time. I have been concentrating on all the negatives and not been looking at the positives that may be coming my way. Rich reminded me last night of all the people who are going through things way harder than a hip operation. Anyway, hopefully I will be able to keep my head together and not end up in the mental ward. That's what I'm praying for tonight.

Submit Like A Little Child

The other day I went down to Mindi's to ask her a question and found Troy asleep on the couch. He looked so peaceful and I thought how nice it would be to be able to feel calm like little children do. When I went to our ward swimming party last week a friend came up and asked me how I was doing. When I told him the truth, "life is really kind of crappy right now" he said, "my Dad would always say getting old isn't for sissies." Boy is that true. I am faced with two very hard choices. Continue to be in pain and move towards the wheelchair route, or go through a really hard, expensive, and panic attack causing surgery. I don't think I have been this anxious, sad, upset, worried in a "stupor of thought" since Kamber passed away. It's easy for people to say, "just have faith and get the surgery done," but unless you are in that position you really can't have an opinion. I have been calling my parents trying to get past the doubts, I even suggested that maybe they put me in a mental home for a little while. They didn't want to do that. My Dad has had both of his hips and one knee surgically replaced so I know that he understands my fear. They have been so supportive and I know they love me and want what is best for me. I have been trying really hard to do all I can by praying, reading my scriptures, attending my church meetings and asking for the Holy Ghost to comfort me, but I still have this dark cloud of anxiety hanging over my head. One of my very best friends told me she thought it was normal for anyone having surgery to feel like I do, but it bothers me that I just can't seem to get the courage or faith to be at peace about this. I think part of the problem is having to wait six weeks to stew about it and do all the pre-surgery stuff adds so much stress. Anyway, I guess I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other and try my best to press forward trying to do the best I can with this place I find myself in. I know there are lots of people who are going through WAY worse stuff than just an arthritic hip, I pray for them everyday. I just want the peace that comes when we turn all our cares over to our Heavenly Father, and submit to all that is asked of me like a little child. That's my wish for this week.

Still Fighting the Demons

This week has been busy trying to get everything done before being able to put the final touches on my hip surgery. I went to an appointment yesterday with the doctor to go over all the risks and reasons why I need this surgery. Next week after I go to the hospital for an education class with the nurses there won't be any turning back. This has been a really scary experience for me. I don't know why I haven't in my 57 years developed enough faith to overcome the demons that live in my crazy head. At the appointment yesterday the doctor went through all the things that "could" happen. I might have a blood clot, a heart attack, an infection and maybe even an amputation. Every time he would say one of those scary things my eyes would get really big and I would give him a huge smile. He finally said "you are the funniest patient I have ever had." I don't think he meant funny, I think it was more like CRAZY! As I went to bed last night I was so tired. I usually get a nap during the hottest part of the day, but the last couple of days we have been of running errands or going to the doctor. At 2:00 a.m. I woke up with a bloody nose and was wide awake until sometime around 4:00. I read my scriptures, finished a book my friend gave me for my birthday, got several drinks and put carmex on my lips a few times. When I finally turned the light off and tried to go back to sleep all the information I had gotten at the doctor started processing in my panic stricken mind. I admire people who jump in the fire and know they are going to survive. Maybe this is one of those trials I've been given to force me to have the faith I need to go into the dark. The arthritis in my hip isn't going to get better, I am well aware of that. The doctor told me yesterday that when the pain becomes so bad and your quality of life goes down so much, that is when people decide to do this surgery.
Spencer and Annie's baby is getting better everyday. Because of the strep B bacteria that went virtually everywhere in her body she has to be on antibiotics for six weeks. What even makes it worse is that it could have all be prevented. The nurses at the hospital and the doctor who delivered her made so many mistakes during Annie's labor and delivery that it's going to get really ugly. I told Annie yesterday that after losing Kamber I don't know if I could survive losing another grandchild, but the longer I live the more I realize that our Heavenly Father is running the show not us. We are so thankful that Annie got this baby to the hospital in time to not only save her life but hopefully she won't have any lasting disabilities because of it. Annie has always wanted to be a nurse but I think maybe she should just go to medical school when her children get older. Maybe she should become a shrink so she can heal her mentally challenged mother in law. Sounds like a plan to me.