"Swim With The Sharks?"

I just got home from shopping at the Mall with Mindi and Trulie.  We have four birthdays the first ten days of October. As we were leaving I said, "I think I would rather swim with the sharks than shop with a two year old." Mindi then said, "wow that's really harsh. Why do you think I'm in such a bad mood everyday?" I guess it was the time of day and that I had a full bladder that ruined my shopping experience. Last night as Rich and I were eating dinner Trulie came down, climbed up on a barstool and told me she wanted to eat some cereal. What is it about Grandma's house that all the kids want cold cereal and milk? Anyway, we quite enjoyed her little personality as she was ready for bed with her jammies on and her hair still wet with that smell of fresh flowers. I have been struggling all week with my emotions and have realized that a lot of my problems are about my expectations not being fulfilled. I think my life should be different than it is, but don't know how to make it the "Knew Possibility" that I was taught at Landmark. I can't keep doing the same things over and over again and expect my life to be happier and more rewarding, but I'm too tired to volunteer at an orphanage or join the Peace Corps. As I was sitting there looking into that sweet darling face of Trulies I thought, "what I would give to be able to have Kamber sitting here having a bowl a cereal, smelling her freshly shampooed hair and listen to her tell me about her life". Trulie is just about the same age Kamber was when she went back to her Heavenly Home. After five years it's still a battle everyday to try and understand the Plan of Salvation and live a life good enough to join her someday. I love Trulie to the moon and back, but don't want to shop with her at the mall, it's just too stressful for this old grandma.

Back To Florida Spencer Goes

I have been really busy with finishing up some quilts and starting new projects. Mindi and I are also trying to find homes for many of our animals. We have gotten rid of all our tortoise hatchlings and three parakeets. Then on Monday night a nice young family came and took fourteen of my young chicks. I was feeling really good about myself and my stress has gotten better since Annie's sister Jill came and took Spencer's dog Trixie to her house. Candi came over after work and did her magic, cutting and coloring our hair. During the chaos I got a call from Spencer who was on his way to Tennessee to have a workout with the Titans. I had such a good feeling about that team and they have shown interest in him for a long time. We always pray for our children and grandchildren and hope they are protected each day from harm or accident. After losing a precious child it is always on my mind that something terrible could happen. Anyway, after feeling so hopeful and at peace, my mood changed and I just became so sad. What the heck? Is it old age, hormones, brain tumor, or just plain old life? So yesterday the phone rang and it was Spencer. He was in the airport on his way back to Florida to play for the Buccaneers. This is his third trip down that road and hopefully the last. The NFL is such a hard business to be involved with. It is a constant worry with injuries and the stress of it all. Mindi and I spent all day yesterday shopping for groceries because she had to provide food for Tristyn's volleyball team before her game today. Life is hectic and emotional for me. I miss Trixie even though she is so hard to deal with. I've had her since she was a puppy. But we still have six darling little half Shih Tzu/Golden Retriever puppies we need to find good homes for, so the saga continues.

"On The Other Side of Pain Is Ecstasy"

I had a really productive weekend. It was nice to feel good enough to work in the house and even helped Mindi because she and Dave were busy with football and volleyball tournaments all day Saturday. Even today for a Monday hasn't been that bad, so hopefully now that the weather is cooling off, I can get all my projects done and get ready for the holidays. Today is my third oldest granddaughter Kylie's birthday. Man it's making me feel old that all these kids are growing up. Soon I will have one driving and that's scaring the beezeebees out of me. A couple of weeks ago Spencer had me download a book for me to read that he thinks is good. It's called "The Untethered Soul," by Michael A. Singer. Spencer is probably my most intellectual child and because of his work he has time to read. It seems like lately almost everything that comes my way is about changing the way we think and feel. The chapter I read today is all about the pain we feel in our heart. We all have had experiences in life that has caused us pain and it's how we deal with this pain that makes the kind of life we live. He says, "If you want to be free, you must first accept that there is pain in your heart. You have stored it there. And you've done everything you can think of to keep it there, deep inside, so that you never have to feel it. There is also tremendous joy, beauty, love, and peace within you. But they are on the other side of pain. On the other side of the pain is ecstasy. On the other side is freedom. Your true greatness hides on the other side of that layer of pain. You must be willing to accept pain in order to pass through to the other side." Then he goes on to tell you how to relax and let the pain go through you. I never thought at sixty years old I would be reading books about Yoga and deep breathing and letting go of the pain, but at this age I'm up for just about anything. Except for getting in a plane or driving a car or, on and on. I don't know if there is any hope for me, but I will continue to read until something touches me deep enough to give up my fears, or hopefully go to the other side.

Is It Adult ADD or Just Procrastination?

 

Another week is coming to an end and I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far. I have decided that I have either Adult ADD or I'm just a procrastinator. About two years ago Mindi and Dave built a little bedroom off of the back of the garage to put their three boys in. After they got the room finished we were looking for bedspreads for them. Because they are so pricey and we needed three, we decided to just buy sheets and make a quilt for each of them. I got Trace's done but poor Trent and Troy have not had a big quilt for two years now. So this week I decided it was time to finish some of my projects I have been putting off before I start on one more thing. I finished Troy's yesterday and I have a friend coming over this afternoon to help me get the other one done. Then I can move on to making a quilt for my bed. We are using one I made for Candi's first marriage and it's time I made one for myself. Yesterday was a busy day with quilting and volleyball. Mindi and I went out to watch Tayler play in her tournament. She had been sick with the stomach flu but she is going to be a really good little player someday. They didn't win but we got to see her play. After her game we had to hurry to Tristyn's game at Mesa High. As we walked into the school my memories came back so strong. As a child I heard stories from my Mom about her experiences at that school. She graduated from there in 1947, wow that's a long time ago. I also remember going to the football games because we were in the same conference with them when I went to Coronado forty plus years ago. I watched Jenn and Mindi get so nervous watching their daughters play. I really enjoy watching my grandchildren play but I don't have that same nervousness and pre-game jitters as when my own kids played. I've passed the torch on to them and they can do the worrying now. In my little book "You Can Be Happy No Matter What" he says, "Happiness! It's something that all of us want but that few of us ever achieve. It is characterized by feelings of gratitude, inner peace, satisfaction, and affection for ourselves and others. Our most natural state of mind is one of contentment and joy." That's what I pray for, feelings of gratitude, peace and joy.

 

Grandma Slade's Quilt

Last weekend when we were up North for our family reunion, Rich and I had to sleep on a full sized bed. My nephew and his family came in the evening so they took all the beds in the loft. It has been a very long time since we have slept on such a small mattress. When Mom and I were making the beds while the guys were out fishing, I asked her about the quilt that was on the bed. As I was pulling it up I could see that it was starting to fray around the edges and there were some holes in it. She told me it was my Grandma Slade's quilt that she had made many, many years ago and that my aunt Nadine had given it to her. I asked her if I could take it home and try and fix it up, maybe putting some patches on the holes caused by my cigarette smoking Grandpa Slade. It has to be one of the softest quilts I have ever touched. I don't know if it is because the material is special or just because it is so old. When we got home and I showed it to Rich and told him of my plans to repair it, I was told that I shouldn't do anything to it, that is what makes the quilt special, burned holes and all. I've been thinking a lot lately about my Grandma in the White Mountains. When Len and I went to visit they put us to work catching gophers, doing laundry with the old fashioned ringer machine, gathering eggs and pulling weeds.  She taught me how to make bread and bottle pickles. I've told my Dad several times that even though she was my grandma I never felt that warm fuzzy feeling from her that I wished she could have given me. I have wondered a lot lately about my own grandchildren and worry that maybe some of them don't feel the love they need from me. Why didn't I know she had such a wonderful talent to quilt? I knew she could make bread and beans and bottle vegetables from the garden, but the quilting would have been icing on the cake for me. Sometimes when I get discouraged I wonder what my grandmas would tell me. I know Grandma Fern would tell me to keep enduring to the end, and be happy, but what would Grandma Slade say? I just wish I knew she loved to quilt, it may have made our relationship better, someday I hope to see her again and tell her how I felt as a little girl. Maybe then I will get the warm fuzzy feelings I so desperately needed.

Needing Some Rest and Relaxation (R&R)

 A week ago I was on my way to the mountains for a reunion. I just can't believe how fast the weeks are going by. Spencer is back in Florida practicing with the Buccaneers, while Annie has the kids in Denver hoping to not wash away with all the rain and flooding they are having in Colorado. It seems like there is always something going on in the world to cause concern. I remember sitting in the bathtub the other night kind of discouraged about life right now. You would think at the age of sixty, things would be winding down and we would have more leisure time and rest. Two nights this week Rich got home at around 8:00 p.m. and I find myself alone more now than ever. In order to stay in our house and live the lifestyle we have, he needs to work around sixty or more hours a week. I lost track of time a long time ago. He is teaching the eleven year old boys in Primary and so on Wednesdays he has scouts with them and tonight they are all coming over for a campout in our backyard. Mindi is feeding the missionaries and I'm trying to find somewhere to go for some R and R. I have been reading my book, "Enjoy Life's Journey" the chapters are on marriage. She talks about the differences between men and women, it is amazing that we ever can get along. Men are left brain thinkers which houses more logical, factual and aggressive centers of thought. Women are more right brained which houses feelings of tenderness, language skills, and relationship skills. Rich is a really good listener but sometimes our communication is a few words before we go to bed. She talks about how we need to be aware of at least three basic emotional needs. They are: (1) We each need to feel that we are truly number one in our partners, life, that our happiness and welfare come first. (2) In a marriage, each partner needs to feel the other person's strength. (3) Each partner needs to feel needed by the other. Our need is to know we are loved. Sometimes I feel it would have been better for all of us if I had just been an old maid school teacher, but then when I look at all I have learned from my trials of being married and having children I come to my senses. I'm really trying to enjoy life's journey but I still need some R and R sometimes.

Greer "Coat of Arms"

 

Last year we didn't think Dad was going to make it through the treatments for prostate cancer. With good medical care and lots of prayers, he is doing better than he has for a long time. He grew up in a small town in northern Arizona named Eagar. He had quite a tough time with the use of alcohol in his family, another story.  Anyway, for the last twenty plus years he and my Mom have planted a garden up there and in the fall they harvest it before it freezes. He really wanted to have a family reunion up there to pick the corn, fish and be together. This has been the first time in three years our immediate family has been together and even with all the conflicts and illness we had a good turnout and a fun time. Mindi had planned on bringing her kids up while Dave watched the animals and get Tristyn to her volleyball tournament. But Trulie started throwing up Thursday night so we uninvited her. Spencer surprised us and drove from Denver with his little family and without them Rich and I wouldn't have had any support. We stayed up way to late talking on Friday, so when the kids started playing at 6:30 a.m. it was hard, but I can do anything for at least one day. The guys went up to Big Lake to fish while we stayed home and got ready for the rest of the family coming for dinner. We shucked corn, moved tables and got ready to feed the fifty or so people attending. Dad bought steaks and hamburgers and we had just a wonderful meal together. After eating Len gathered us all together to tell us about our ancestors who had come before us. It had a missionary twist to it, he's still in that missionary mode and will probably always be there. He gave a quote that is on the Greer "Coat of Arms" that says, "He who careth not whence he came careth not whither he goes." It was a nice little devotional and then we went out and cut the corn field down to make corn shocks to put up in front of our houses for Thanksgiving. Each family took a picture with Mom and Dad in front of the garden. Who knows if we will ever be able to do that again. It is always hard to try and find time to be together as a family, but I think my parents will remember this for a very long time and know that we all love and support them to the end.

Going To Eagar

When Rich and I went up to Utah for his family reunion, his super talented sister and her daughter had made a darling quilt to raffle off at their reunion. On Monday I got a bee in my bonnet and decided I would try and make one for our family. I was doing really well on it until I was awake for three hours last night worrying how I could finish it in two days. I was still working on the back and trying to embroider letters and numbers early this morning. As Mindi and I left for the grocery store she could tell I was struggling with decisions and sleep deprivation. All it took was for her to say, "Mom, why don't you just wait and finish it later, then you won't be so stressed out." I felt sad for about five seconds and then relieved. My Dad has decided to get all the kids and grand kids together this weekend up in Eagar for a little reunion and steak fry. He has a small corn field that he's been working on all summer and wants us all to get together up there. With Len and Julie home from their mission, this will be the first year we could all be together. We only have about fifty people going because there is always work and sports commitments, but it should be fun for those that can come. I will be so glad when this summer comes to an end. We are still having record breaking temperatures and that makes me despondent. This summer has been a crazy one for me. I turned sixty years old in May. Went to the beach in June and rode the waves with Spencer. I never thought I would do that with an artificial hip. In July I attended the Landmark Forum where I learned there is a "New Possibility" for me. I'm still trying to find out how I can do that, I'm still stuck in that same pattern of dysfunction. Then last week I floated the Salt River with some friends and family. I never thought I would do that with a bad hip either, but it was so fun. So maybe there is a new possibility for me out there somewhere. All I know is that my life hasn't been what I thought it would be when I was a young girl looking for the "Happy Ever After." Maybe that just never was a possibility for me.