Put On My Own Socks

Yesterday my sister Mell and I went to the doctor for our shots, weighed in, ran a few errands, had lunch and shopped a little bit. As we were driving I asked her about her husband Larry. He has been sick for a long time with several issues. He had cancer in his throat and went through radiation and some other treatments but he still doesn't feel well. For the last year he's had constant nausea and has trouble eating. I know my sister is worried about him but she is always so calm and kind. She said he asked her to take his socks off before she left. I was telling her about my feelings about life as we were driving from store to store. While I was at the beach we had so much fun. I wasn't worried about anything knowing Mindi was capable of taking care of the house and all my critters. Since I've been home the reality has set in that life is not a vacation. Rich gets up everyday and goes to work in the heat while I stay home and work around the house in the cool. I feel guilty about that. I feel like his life is working and churching and we have very little time to spend together and even talk. As I was complaining to Mell she said, "well at least he isn't sleeping in the chair all day and you have to take his socks off." That ingratitude creeps in all the time with me these days. Anyway, as I was reading in my book, "Enjoy Life's Journey," today she talked about a study that was done at Harvard Medical School by Dr. Silverman that says, "Up to fifteen years can be added to your life by reducing three emotional factors: (1) loneliness, (2) repressed anger, and (3) the fast pace of life." The study concluded that these factors are more important to our health than diet, weight, or heredity. I know when I first had the symptoms of anxiety and depression I had suffered a miscarriage, had four kids under the age of nine and Rich was killing himself to find work to support us through the recession we were in. This morning when I woke up, two of my pumps on my ponds were broken and the hose to my mister sprung a leak. The fact that it is going to be almost 120 degrees today doesn't help either. I know for sure that life is not sitting on the beach watching the waves roll in, it's dealing with all those little things that come our way daily. I just hope I can survive the heat and put on my own socks someday.

Dreams of the Ocean and Cool Mountains

I must admit it has been hard getting back to the routine from beach activities to the desert scene. I have been struggling with my mood since Spencer took his family to Park City, then Montana and back to Colorado where they will probably be living. If he gets picked up by a team he will play another year in the NFL but if not, he will start another career whatever that may be. Candi, B.J. and their two boys are enjoying their other grandparents in California and I wish I could be there with them. Mindi is going crazy trying to pack and get all her work done so they can leave for Dallas on Saturday for volleyball. I could tell I was getting sadder and sadder as I thought about my kids going away from home. The good news is that Len and Julie will be home early next week from their mission. It has been a long three years without them around. Mary and her little family are moving back from Indiana and should be home any day now. She will have some changes in her life as she tries to raise her kids without the help of her husband Lance. I was talking to my Mom about some of my sadness and she told me a little story about something that happened in the Temple last week. She said there was a twenty-nine year old sister who has cancer. She is living in a hospice environment, so they know she doesn't have much time left on this earth. They brought her to the Temple by ambulance, put her in a wheelchair and brought her in to be sealed to her fiance before she passes away. I don't know who this person is but I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since. I feel ashamed to get all out of sorts with my little problems when there are others who are suffering so much more. It doesn't help that it could get up to 118 degrees by Saturday. Maybe I will take Spencer up on his offer to move me to Colorado, I don't know how many more summers I can take it here in the heat.

"I Wish I'd Known How Happy I Was!"

When I was a teenager my Dad would say, "Teri, don't wish your life away." I remember sitting in class at Coronado High School watching the clock go around and thinking, "I'm never going to get out of this school. "Here it is forty-two years after leaving that school and I'm still wishing my life away. Candi and her family left for the beach on Saturday. Spencer and Annie are going to Utah and Montana tomorrow. Mindi and her family are going to Dallas this weekend for Nationals, where Tristyn will play in a volleyball tournament. I don't know what Ethan and Jenn are doing yet but I know what we are doing. When Rich quit his job and went out on his own to start his company, he promised me, "I will be home more and make way more money." I think he has made a little more money but being married to a business is so hard. Candi doesn't understand why we can't just pack up and spend a few weeks away. Rich has so much work piled up and people waiting for him to get to their jobs, there is no way we can leave, ever. As I was reading my little book today the paragraph title said, "Don't Wish Life Away." She says, "Don't imagine that one day everything is going to be perfect. If you are waiting for that perfect day, that perfect life, that perfect marriage, you will have a long wait. This mortal life is a place for trials and tests, hope and sorrow, pain and peace. Don't wish your life away waiting. Enjoy the journey, appreciate the small day-to-day perks, and be grateful. If you don't, there will come that day when you will say in sorrow, "I wish I'd known how happy I was!" Looking back on my life at the things I felt were so hard then, now that I've had to endure some really hard trials, don't seem that bad. We never know how much more life we have, so being grateful for all the little things I have in my life is what I need to do, so I won't say, "I wish I'd known how happy I was!"

"The Happy Book"

It's been really hard since I got home from my beach trip to get into my "life as I know it" place. Being away you forget all the day to day things that need to be done to keep a house going. I woke up really early yesterday discouraged about a lot of issues. I went in to my living room to read my scriptures. I'm reading in Alma 4:3 where it says, "And so great were their afflictions that every soul had cause to mourn, and they believed it was the judgements of God sent upon them because of their wickedness and abominations, therefore they were awakened to a remembrance of their duty." I then turned to the three books on my table that I'm reading. One was given to me by a friend called, "Love Life and See Good Days", by Emily Freeman. I finished it yesterday as the final chapter was, "The Happy Book" talking about how we should start a book of all the things that make us happy. She says, "Perhaps, at the end of each day, as you go over the things you have experienced, you could choose to remember the good part. Maybe you could start your own happy book and fill it full of days of gladness and good days." I wish I could sit on the beach everyday and watch the waves crash on to the shore and the dolphins jump across the ocean, but this is my reality. We live in the desert with the heat, cactus and scorpions. Hopefully I can start my own happy book and have enough faith to trust in the promises the Savior has given to me and deserve all the blessings I've been given.

HOT HOT Father's Day!

I have been home almost five days from my trip to beautiful Southern California and it has been so hard to get back to being productive. I have felt hot and sweaty since coming home and hopefully I will be able to adjust to this furnace we live in. I have had to fight some feelings of guilt leaving my home and family behind and actually doing something for myself. I think I went out of my comfort zone many times during the week I was gone and had a full range of emotions, good and bad while traveling.  I have been told that I am a paradox by my counselor. That means you can feel the total opposite feelings about the same situation. It was so fun getting away, but while away I worried about everything at home and felt some guilt that I was doing something for myself. Yesterday was a weird Father's Day for me. We usually have everyone over for dessert and my parents over for dinner. My Dad has felt well enough to plant a small corn and pumpkin garden in the White Mountains where he grew up. It just so happened that he was going to get irrigation on the garden last night at 3:30 a.m. So we had to hurry and have dinner so Dave and Dad could drive to the mountains, get some rest and irrigate all night. Because of some conflicts with church and other relationships we had a small group to celebrate with. I don't think men, fathers, really realize the importance of being a good example for their children. I know my Dad and I had a troubled relationship while growing up. He struggled with my strong personality and mouth. This relationship has hurt me in other relationships, especially with my husband. I am super sensitive about being criticised and hate being talked down to like I'm stupid, because I'm not. Anyway, I am just glad he felt well enough to do what he loves to do and I'm so thankful he was with us for one more Father's Day. It was important that he be around when Lennie gets off his mission in fourteen days. I am so happy to have my brother back soon. Maybe next year will be a better year to celebrate with our Dads.

"Consider the Blessings in our Lives"

I am still trying to get myself back in the swing of things and catch up on my sleep. When I woke up early this morning my mind started to wander and think of all the things I did and saw on my trip. I was lucky enough to go to Balboa Island several times. Once we walked the streets and bought treats and shopped. Another time we went with the kids and they rode some rides and played video games. On one of the last nights there, we drove up to the top where we could  look out over the ocean and watch the sun go down. The homes are amazing overlooking the bay and we could have spent all day just looking at the architecture and building of these spectacular homes. I would always think, "what does this person do to afford living in this house?" I try to never covet others prosperity or possessions, but I have to admit if I could live there, I probably would. At times while I was away from my family here, I felt guilty about being in the cool weather having fun on the beach and relaxing knowing that Rich was killing himself in the heat trying to work to provide for me, something I never want to take for granted. At times I think we don't express gratitude enough for those blessings we have been given, and maybe we feel a sense of entitlement. I think situations are put in our lives to see how we are going to overcome them and be faithful to the covenants we have made at Baptism. Life is hard, it never was suppose to be easy. I came across this quote by President Monson while I was a little bit homesick last week. He says, "I have found that rather than dwelling on the negative, if we will take a step back and consider the blessings in our lives, including seemingly small, sometimes overlooked blessings, we can find greater happiness." I know I need to be more grateful for all that I have been given.

"There's No Place Like Home"

Wow! I got home last night from spending a week in Huntington Beach, California. I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz as we were pulling into Gilbert. There is NO place like home. I think Rich was glad to see me and I know the animals have wondered where I went. I've been busy this morning unpacking, doing laundry and I just went to the doctor to get my shot and weigh in. I only gained a few pounds which is good considering all the yummy food we ate during our travels. I am a "home body" and really don't like being out of my routine, but I'm so glad I went. The first day we were at the beach I felt such a strong belief in God. The ocean is powerful and so beautiful, but can be scary. Spencer took me out and tried to help me catch a wave on the boogie board. We were laughing so hard because the waves were beating me to death. A couple of times I didn't get a breath before being slammed again and I started to panic. I got a pedicure at a salon on the beach. It cost me a little bit more than I thought it would be, so I told Rich I was going to make this one last. We spent the day at Knott's Berry Farm and that was extremely hard for me. They got a wheelchair and I either sat in it, or pushed some of the grand kids in it. I was so tired by the end of the day I couldn't walk. There were 15,000 people at the park, 8,000 of those school kids on their end of year field trip. That is definitely off my Bucket List of places to never go back. I hate crowds and it was hot even for this Arizona girl. I got to go see the Newport Temple. It is in a very quiet secluded area and was cool and breezy, definitely glad I got to go there. Yesterday we were going to go back to the beach but it was cold and windy, so we just went to Long Beach and saw the Queen Mary ship before heading home across the desert. I am so proud of myself for conquering some of my fears and doing something for myself. I am grateful for all that I have been given and realize that everyday is a gift and am thankful for the  time I spent with my children and grandchildren in California.

Off to the Beach

I have been so crazy busy this week that my head has been spinning. I woke up this morning at 4:30 in a panic thinking about all I had to do today. For the last few years Candi has wanted me to go spend some time with them in California at Huntington Beach. Her in-laws live there and whenever she has a break in her schedule doing hair they leave for the beach. I have always had an excuse, not very good ones, but there was always a reason why it would be impossible for me to leave the comfy confines of my home. I have talked a lot about my fear of driving and flying and there was a time I couldn't leave my house to go out and get the mail. So this is a really big step for me, to leave everything and go on a vacation. I don't think I've been anywhere since Rich and I went to Utah for his family and school reunions. The thought of spending a week in the 70 degree weather, in the middle of summer intrigues me. It has never happened before. So tonight I will be on my way to a relaxing time, I hope and fun with the Wootan family. I am considering this my birthday present to myself because of the passing of Lance my birthday was pretty sad. Mindi and Dave are leaving at the end of the month to travel with their family to Dallas for the National Volleyball Tournament that Tristyn will be playing in, so Mindi will be here to hopefully keep all my critters alive. Rich probably won't even know I'm gone until he runs out of clean clothes, maybe he will have to do a load of laundry. Anyway, I just called my Mom to tell her goodbye, she has tried to talk me out of going. When I told her I was already homesick she said, "well then just stay home." This is something I need to do for myself and hopefully I won't regret it.

"You Are Not A Victim"

I am so glad that May is gone and we are now in June. Today is Candi's birthday and she turns 34 years old. She always plans her own birthday and after we all went to Golfland one year, she promised to never make me go again, they decided to just go camping with some friends. I hope they have a fun day with her. May was a really hard month for me. It started with Rich suffering with kidney stones and eventually having surgery. Who knows when the next one will come. Then Lance passed away and we just had his funeral this week. I turned the dreaded sixty and that is always traumatic. And then we have some other issues that have sent me into a spiral of disappointment and sadness. When I went to bed Thursday night my heart was heavy. I had listened to some things that I didn't want to hear. At 3:40 a.m. I was awakened by a voice that said, "you are not a victim." I didn't hear it with my ears but felt it with my heart. So for about an hour I just laid in the dark thinking about what the spirit was trying to tell me. How am I not a victim? I think all of us have times when we feel insecure, unappreciated and unloved. I have felt that now for a very long time. I don't feel normal, I know some of my thoughts aren't right and my anxieties in social situations continue to cause me great stress. I guess I must have been feeling really strongly about all the times I have felt like a victim and so I needed to be reminded that I am not. The older I get the more I realize the importance of agency. We all have our right to do what ever we want, but we won't be able to change the outcome of the consequences of our actions. I see that in my own life and that of my children and grandchildren. So as I celebrate the birth of my sweet daughter, I also feel the sadness of situations that are out of my control and don't involve me. So I will continue to remind myself that I am not a victim.