My Weekend Was a Blurr!

This weekend was a blurr for us. I helped Spencer and Annie keep the home fires burning at the Moser house while Mindi was in Colorado with Tristyn at a volleyball tournament. Dave took care of Trulie all weekend and had some special Daddy Time while we entertained all the other children. On sat. we got irrigation so we decided to spend the day away to keep the kids out of the water. Spencer helped me do a workout to help me get some mobility in my hip and burn some calories. I think he forgets that I'm an old lady, crippled, thick and not used to doing hundreds of reps with weights. My legs have been so sore I could hardly crawl in to bed, but I'm finally getting back to normal. He wanted to take me on a two mile walk but when I told him I wasn't going for that, we decided to do a "sit and be fit" workout. Annie spoiled us with some delicious meals and it was fun to have them here helping bathe the kids and keep the house reasonably clean. Mindi got home late last night and Trulie wouldn't let anyone take her from her Mommy. This morning when I went down to see how everything was going, Mindi told me she had been up with the baby all night running a fever and she was sick. Oh the joys of being a Mother, getting away for a while and then coming home to a sick baby. We just got home from the doctor and the grocery store. picking up presciptions, both ears are infected, and food for at least dinner tonight. The talks on Sunday were good, how we need to let our lights shine. I spend a lot of time in the dark, but at times when the clouds part I can see the eternal part of this "plan of happiness" we have going on here. I thought my life would slow down when my kids were all grown and gone. How dumb I was, sometimes I'm spinning out of control with all that needs to be done, but it sure would be boring if it was just Rich and I here. We are truly thankful for our posterity. I am amazed at what good parents my children are to the grandkids, I know it gets overwhelming at times, but that's what we are here to do.

Where's That Rocking Chair?

I thought when you got older life slowed down. I was looking forward to sitting on the porch in a rocking chair bird watching. It seems like my life gets busier by the minute and I'm getting farther and farther behind. This week has been spent running errands for a family baby shower for my niece, Mary yesterday and Mindi and Tristyn's trip to Colorado for a volleyball tournament this weekend. I just finished a quilt for her as the temps in Colorado are in the 20's and 30's not like our 80 here. I got stung by a stupid scorpion on Tues. so that has also put a damper on my sleep and well being. I swear if there is just one little scorpion it's going to find me where ever I am. This weekend Spencer and Annie are coming over to stay and help Dave with the children while Mindi is away. Trulie is almost 8 months now and totally attached to her mother. Hopefully we will be able to keep her alive and happy until Mindi gets home on Monday. I'm still fighting the "battle of the bulge" getting through Valentine's Day, birthdays and wedding receptions, plus the shower yesterday has gotten me a little discouraged. There are always going to be events that celebrate with food. It seems like I do okay for a couple of days and then something triggers me. I realize what an emotional eater I have turned in to. I had an epiphany the other day as I was watching a show on t.v. We all have something we use to help us cope with the pain in our lives. I have gotten used to eating and shopping to relieve those emotions. Now with the downturn in the economy and the need to get healthy, I realize that my lifestyle has been so self destructive. I see the "law of the harvest" in my life daily. We can all lie, cheat, steal, gossip or whatever, but at some time we will all get to suffer the consequences of those actions. I'm trying to make some changes in my life and my attitude. Having gratitude for everything I have especially my family. I have sometimes wondered if the choice to marry and have kids was right, it has been really hard for me. Hopefully my efforts won't be in vain. Now if I can just get to Dillard's today for their 40% off clearance sale it will be a good day!

Birthdays, Weddings and a Baby Shower

With all the celebrations we have been having over here it is wreaking havoc with my diet. Today is Mindi's 35th birthday so I'm saving up my calories for some cake and ice cream later on tonight. Last week I had Valentines' treats from my visiting teacher, a See's coconut heart, I didn't even look at the calorie count on the box. We went to lunch with a few of Mindi's friends for her birthday, Mexican food, yummy and then last night Rich and I went to a wedding reception where they had a western theme, with a barbecue and white wedding cake, my favorite. I need to work really hard so that when I go weigh in on Wed. it won't be depressing. I can't believe that my firstborn child turns 35 today. Where has all the time gone? Dave's birthday was on Friday, he turned 38, two years away from 40. Life continues to move forward as we get older and so do our children and grandchildren. Today in church the speakers talked about the importance of the family and how we can be together forever. Sometimes I think we take that knowledge for granted and wonder if we really want to be together on the other side. After Kamber passed away I wanted to do everything possible to make sure I was worthy to see her again. Now as I have moved through the stages of grief, anger, bargaining, denial ... it has become harder to wrap my brain around what I need to do to be able to be with her and those I love who have passed on. Life is short, and hard and hopefully I'm up for the challenge, besides I'm going to have a baby shower at my house on Thurs. , my diet sabotage keeps going on. Happy Birthday to my lovely daughter Mindi, and her sweet husband Dave!

"How Much Love Is There In Your Life?"

February always seems to go by so fast. I love all the red shiny decorations and the beautiful hearts and flowers, it seems like love is in the air everywhere. We have four birthdays in our family in February, Annie, Kamber, Dave and Mindi. On Valentines' Day Spencer and Annie came over and fixed dinner for us. It was delicious and very thoughtful of them, they even did all the dishes. Rich gave me a nice handwritten note and some flowers. He learned early on that he would be in the "dog house" if he didn't recognize me on that special day. I am also aware that this day can be a very sad day for many, not everyone has a spouse or children to share it with. In the paper last week I found an article titled, "Have A Heart-To-Heart With Yourself." It was talking about someone asking an author if he could ask any question about their health and how long they are likely to live, what would it be? He said "it wouldn't be do you smoke? Are you overweight? What's your cholesterol or blood pressure? Instead he said he would ask,"How much love is there in your life?" I was really intrigued by this question. How much love do I really have in my life? The article goes on to say how emotional health is such a huge factor when it comes to preventing cardiovascular disease, which it the No. 1 killer in the U.S. It then said that "we need to open our hearts to others. Be kind, be non-judgemental, be compassionate, be funny, and be a good listener." It isn't a news flash that I'm struggling with some hard things right now, but reading this has made me want to do better. More suggestions were to 'Be more active, let go of anger, and eat smarter," all things that I need to do better at. Life is hard and sometimes is taken way to soon, but hopefully I can endure the trials that have been put in my life and become a better person with a healthy heart.

Busy Monday and Another Favorite Holiday

This morning when I went down to Mindi's to see what we needed to get done today, she said we had to be at Hobby Lobby by 9:00 a.m. to get some material for Tristyn's sewing project. She needed it at the school by 9:30. So I hurried and made my bed, ate breakfast, got dressed and was out feeding animals by 8:30. After we went and dropped the material and her lunch off at the school we headed to the feed store to get rabbit and chicken pellets. When we left there we decided to stop by Annie's parents house and pick up the breathing machine for Trulie. She has been to the doctor twice in three days and Mindi hasn't gotten much sleep with her being sick. We decided to bring Spencer's boys with us to run a few more errands. We stopped at the dollar store to find something to put on sweet Kamber's grave and off we went to the cemetery. On the freeway as we got to the exit I became so emotional. Is it always going to be like this when I go visit her final resting spot? The boys were asking if this is where their cousin is buried and then went off to play and look at all the decorations. I am always amazed at the creativity people have when they decorate graves of loved ones. There were just a few people there, an old guy jogging through and a couple of teenage boys on bikes. I thought it would be a nice place to exercise but Mindi thought the "doom and gloom" wouldn't be where she would want to exercise. I felt a real peaceful feeling and I think it would be a nice place to walk. After a few more errands we came home and now the boys are playing and waiting for the kids to get home from school. Spencer and Annie have been in South Carolina since Thurs. but will be home tonight. I got a sweet message from one of Candi's friends from high school. She is a darling girl who was part of our family when my kids were growing up. I guess she reads my blog and feels like I'm "way to hard on myself." I probably shouldn't write all my feelings down because it makes me sound more depressed and desperate than I really am. Life is just really hard for me right now. I'm going through some stuff that has been brewing for many many years and then with the passing of Kamber and the economy tanking it's hard for me to cope with. I know the sun will come up tomorrow and besides that Valentines Day is my favorite holiday next to Mother's Day! Ha Ha

Kamber's Sixth Birthday

Today is a special day for us, it's the day our sweet angel Kamber was born. She would turn six and it would be so fun to see how she likes school and how big she has grown. If she were still here we would be getting together as a family celebrating with pizza, cake and ice cream. When the Larsen's get together it's either a party or a brawl, we never know which one will happen. I remember when she turned one, she was so sick. She could have cared less if we were there or not. We were opening presents and Ethan was getting frustrated that it was taking so long. He wanted it to go faster and something was said and then it turned into a "let's pick on Mom" event. I had become so hurt I got up grabbed my purse and headed for the car. I didn't speak to a few of my family members for a couple of months. That's the way we roll sometimes when we all get together, it's probably a good thing we don't drink alcohol, that would be scary. This morning as I was at the dentist, which I hate, I was talking to Candi on the phone. She asked me if I was okay or if I was sad. I thought I was okay but then a wave of sadness came over my body, I got super hot, dizzy and felt a panic attack coming on. Damn I hate panic. Anyway, I made it through the dentist, we even took a quick loop around Joann's looking for something special to put on Kamber's grave. We left empty handed, there wasn't anything good enough for that special little girl who will forever be 2 1/2. It's been almost four years since she left us, it seems like our lives changed forever that day. I know I will never be the same, I wish I could say I've become a better person, a kinder more Christlike person. That hasn't happened yet and I'm afraid it never will. One thing I do know is that I can't wait to see her again, give her a huge hug and tell her how much I've missed her.

"Bitter or Better?"

Life continues to let me know just how little control I have. I would like to think that at this age I would finally be able to figure things out, but it seems like I will die confused and discouraged. I have seen the "law of the harvest" or "karma" played out in my life and those around me. It's hard to look back and wonder what would have happened if other choices would have been made. We have a culture where we are told to do certain things, get married, have children, be active in church, serve, and many other things. Lately I have felt "burned out." I'm tired of "Groundhog Day" and need a change. Maybe just a change of scenery or an attitude adjustment. After Kamber passed away I felt like I needed to "up my game" and do everything I could to be worthy to see her again. I think sometimes I've given up hope that I will ever be good enough to be in her presence. We were warned that losing a child would change our family, that I could either become "bitter or better," the jury is still out on that one. I know after raising four children and being the grandmother to sixteen little darlings that I can't control anything. We fought in heaven for the right to have agency over ourselves and I forget sometimes that the only thing I can do is try and better myself. I've been trying to live a healthier lifestyle. I lost about 18 pounds pretty easy but now am stuck. It's hard to make the right food choices when there is always going to be a birthday, a wedding and even the Super Bowl. Losing weight is really the only thing I can do to see if my hip will ever be right, if not I will have to do surgery again, something that I dread. It was brought to my attention recently that I have turned into an 90 year old person. Huh! That's pretty bad when I haven't even turned sixty yet. Anyway, it seems like my life goes in cycles, I'm either going up or down, so hopefully things will turn around and I can start moving closer to Heaven.

Quilting, Shopping and Volleyball

This has been another one of those weeks that go by so fast I have a hard time remembering what I did. Spencer, Annie and the kids got here from Colorado so we've had fun spending time with them. I spent two days getting stuff ready to help the Beehives in our ward learn how to make a quilt. They did an okay job and the quilts turned out pretty cute. Annie's birthday was on Thurs. so they invited me to go out to Nordstroms with them to shop. I have never gone in that store because it seems like the prices were more than I would ever be willing to pay. It was a lot of fun spending time with them and they even got me a couple of things. There is a little primary song that says, "Saturday is a special day, it's the day we get ready for Sunday, we clean the house and we shop at the store so we don't have to go until Monday." Well last night I decided I would go with Mindi to watch Tristyn play in a volleyball tournament today in Maryvale, clear on the west side of town. I knew it was going to take us almost an hour to get there, so we needed to leave at 8:00 a.m. When I went to bed last night I couldn't sleep worrying about how I would get everything done around my house, the animals fed and me showered and presentable. By the time I finally got to sleep it was almost midnight. I woke up at 3:45 a.m. and could not for the life of me get back to sleep. I just kept watching the clock until I finally dozed back off at 6:15. Rich was up at 6:45 so today I have felt like I've been run over by a bus. Good thing tomorrow is the Sabbath, the day of rest. Ha! Besides being Fast Sunday it's also Super Bowl Sunday. Candi sent me an article about a hospice chaplain in Massachusetts. She writes about what patients talk about when they are sick and dying. She was asked "What exactly do you do as a chaplain?" "Well I talk to people about their families: about their mothers and fathers, their sons and daughters. They talk about the love they felt, and what love is, and what it is not. And sometimes, when they are actively dying, fluid gurgling in their throats, they reach their hands out to things I cannot see and they call out to their parents: Mama, Daddy, Mother." She then goes on to explain that "family is where we first experience love and where we first give it. It's probably the first place we've been hurt by someone we love, and hopefully the place we learn that love can overcome even the most painful rejection." The final paragraph of this little article was so profound to me. She talks about how the spiritual work of being human is learning how to love and how to forgive. "We don't have to use words of theology to talk about God; people who are close to death almost never do. We should learn from those who are dying that the best way to teach our children about God is by loving each other wholly and forgiving each other fully - just as each of us longs to be loved and forgiven by our mothers and fathers, sons and daughters." I know I have made many mistakes in raising my children. I have not fostered the love and respect I should have and need to be forgiven. If there is one regret I have the most it is that I didn't teach about the Atonement enough. That sacrifice that was made on our behalf is what we need to live with our Heavenly Father again.