Training Camp Memories

A few months ago I ran into a friend at the store and she said, "Hey what's it like to be the mother of an NFL football player?" I said, " It really isn't any different than it was before, I don't feel any different." I have been thinking about that the last few days as Spencer has reported to training camp with the Denver Broncos. How sad it is that I haven't found much joy in the hard work and success of my youngest child. As I was telling Rich this morning, the drowning death of Kamber has taken all the joy out of our lives for a year now. I think for the rest of my life I will associate "training camp" with the loss of Kamber. Last year on the very first day of camp Spencer got the awful news and the team flew him home. I remember sitting in Ethan and Jenn's house telling him how sad and broken hearted I was, all I could do was cry. He looked into my eyes and said, "Mom, these experiences make families strong." Well, I don't know about that, I do know they make families different. I look back a year ago and Annie was here with her family, she had a baby due at the end of August and Spencer was a rookie, they didn't even know if he would make the team or not. Their darling baby Gunnar was born a few hours after Kamber's funeral on Aug. 1st. The stress of all that was happening, made Annie go into labor early. We are so grateful and lucky that this little guy of theirs will turn one year-old tomorrow. To honor Kamber they named him Gunnar Kamb Larsen. I am so thankful for strong hard working children. Children with testimonies of the Savior, who teach their children the gospel. I know Kamber loves her family and wants us all to be happy. She is so lucky to have parents who have made covenants so she can be with them through the eternities. I hope this year as we watch Spencer play we can rejoice in our knowledge of life after death and know that some day we will be together as a family again.

In Memory of Kamber from Her Family

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Come Take Your Place

Okay I lied. I said in my last post I wasn't going to be depressed or sad but I guess not having a crystal ball I couldn't see the future. It started last night, the anticipation of how to deal with a day I will forever despise. Today is the first anniversary of Kamber's returning home to Heaven. I am flooded with memories of the day and the week following as we prepared for her funeral and burial. I had no idea how much time and talents it would take to organize her funeral. I remember Ethan and Rich working for hours on the casket because there wasn't anything good enough to put her in. It was beautiful and the craftsmanship was exquisite. Everything had to be perfect for her and it was. During that week family, friends and ward members were so helpful. They responded with food, cards, flowers and kind words. Those will never be forgotten. Jenn and Ethan had a video made for her viewing. There was one song that when I hear it makes me cry. It is a song by Hilary Weeks on a "Day of Praise" CD. The words are beautiful and everytime I hear it I think of Kamber. These are the words:

Can you hear it

Can you hear it

Angels are calling your name.

Do you feel it Do you feel it

Heaven is lighting a flame.

There's a voice in your heart

Whispering who you are.

Can you see it

Can you see it

Your place in the Father's design.

Are you ready

Are you ready

This is your season to shine.

There's a voice through the dark

Gathering noble hearts.

You carry the light of His Son

and running through your veins is royal blood.

You're the brave and the strong, you're the faithful.

You have been saved for this moment and time.

You hear the call

You feel the flame

You've been prepared

Come take your place.

Can you hear the angels calling you.

Do you recognize your name.

Can you see your part in His design

No one else can take your place.

There's a voice clear and strong

You're right where you belong,

You are the brave

You are the strong

You are the the faithful ones.

Now the hard part starts. Trying to be the kind of person that is good enough to see her again. I just don't know if I'm up for that. I know right now I'm a long ways out, but all I can do is try.

Spirit to Spirit

Everyone knows that for a year now I have been struggling with the death of our sweet grand-daughter Kamber. At times the grief has made me question my faith, my testimony, and even my very existence. Well, yesterday morning I had a wonderful experience. I had woken up early at 5:00 a.m. to use the bathroom. I usually can't go back to sleep but yesterday was different. As I lay sleeping I was visited by Kamber. I held her and played with her and talked to her for I don't know how long. She was so beautiful. She was so happy. I felt her love and her spirit. During this experience we went to different members of the family and saw them and then finally Mindi and Jenn came walking up and said, "where's Kamber?" As we went looking for her I remember being alarmed that we were getting irrigation and so I remember rushing outside to find her in the drive-way of Ethan and Jenn's house playing with the kids. I only saw the back of her head, her long blonde hair, but I knew it was her. I then woke up and just stayed in bed crying and praying and thanking Heavenly Father for the opportunity to spend some time with her. I remember on many occasions begging that I would be able to see her, to know that she was okay and to tell her how much I loved her. That prayer was answered yesterday. I am so thankful for that tender mercy. I have been dreading July 25th for a long time now, but my perspective has changed. I refuse to be depressed. I refuse to be sad. I know she lives and that she is more beautiful now than I remember and happier than I ever saw her on earth. I had a spirit to spirit experience that lifts my heart and strengthens my testimony of life after death. There were no words spoken but I felt the love of a child and know that only because of my Savior's love did he make it possible for me.

Are You Really There?

This last year has been a challenge (to say the least.) I feel like a broken record playing over and over again. At times I feel like it is all I can do to get up and make my bed and feed my animals, and with the heat it makes it that much more difficult. At times our family relationships feel like they have gotten stronger, but at others they have become more strained. We have the same issues over and over again. They never go away or work out. WE get stuck in the bad behavior.
The thought that has been going through my head for the last couple of weeks is the first sentence of a primary song, "A Child's Prayer." It starts, "Heavenly Father, are you really there? And do you hear and answer every child's prayer?" That pretty much somes up how I feel. Is Heavenly Father really there? Is he listening to my prayers? At times I just think he is deaf, or maybe he has too many other important things to do. Maybe I'm not worthy to receive an answer, or maybe there isn't an answer. Anyway, I have lots of blessings, I know it could be a lot worse. Who knows maybe it will. Life is hard and I don't like hard things. Maybe it's time to make some major changes. I know what I'm doing now isn't working for me, so maybe it's time to find a different game plan.

Middle of July

I can't believe it's already the middle of July, where has the summer gone? Before we know it school will be in and Spencer will be playing football again. I remember sitting in a desk at Coronado High School and watching the clock and thinking, "I'm never getting out of this place." That was 38 years ago. A week from tomorrow will be a year since our darling Kamber passed away. At times it has gone by slow but now I wonder how it could be a year already. When you go through a huge trial in your life, it changes who you are. I find myself looking at things differently than before. When I watch the news and hear about a drowning, a shooting, a body dumped by the road or any of the other crimes or accidents that happen, I feel so sorry for those people whose lives have been turned upside down. I have always felt lucky, or should I say felt blessed that our family has been protected. When I think of all the times my kids were doing stupid stuff, like jumping off the fence onto the trampoline, or jumping off the roof into a swimming pool, or romping their trucks in the desert, I wonder what the he#* were they thinking? How does any teenager live to become an adult? I was a super chicken growing up and I even did some dangerous things. Or should I say really stupid things.
I have been really angry at Heavenly Father for taking Kamber away from our family. It doesn't seem fair that her parents and sisters would have to live their lives without her. Life isn't fair! Some of the trials families deal with are beyond my ability to even imagine. I guess that is why we should be thankful for our own trials. I have told my parents on numerous occasions that I can't believe that in Heaven I told him I would come down and suffer the loss of a grandchild. Why would anyone agree to some of the stuff we have to go through? I think this is where the part comes in that we were so happy to come and get a body and have an earthly experience that we said we would go through anything, even these terrible trials. I hope as the years go by, it will be easier to accept that Kamber didn't need years and years here on earth. Her mission was accomplished in 2 1/2 short years. At times I yearn to hear her voice and feel her soft skin but I have faith that she knows how much I love her and miss her and she is aware of the suffering that is going on in our family. I hope she is proud of us and knows we are working hard to move on, to become better, to strengthen our testimonies and serve better. I know she is with our other family members like Grandma Fern, Tenna and Jenn's dad Leonard cheering us on and inspiring us to become united and happy. That is my hope for the next year, to find peace and love and know that nothing happens by accident. Our Heavenly Father is in charge and he loves us and knows what is best for us.

What am I to learn?

I had a good friend come up to me at church and tell me she read my blog and was sorry I was having such a bad time. I could see that she really did care about me and I appreciated her concern, but was embarrassed that my blog has become so depressing. I do look through the dark part of the glass (or the glass half empty) most of the time. I wish I were are bubbly happy person who scatters sunshine every where I go, but that's just not my nature. When I was about 7 years old we were in Springerville for our usual vacation to visit my grandparents. They had a log cabin and pigs and chickens. They also had a cool irrigation ditch in front of their house that we would dig in. My sister Mell, brother Lennie and I were in the ditch playing when my grandmother came running out of the house screaming that the house was on fire. My mother who had just come out of the house to tell us to be quiet because my little brother Ben, who was one at the time, was in taking a nap. When my mom realized that Ben was in the burning house, she and my sister went and broke the window with their fists and pulled him out. It was a miracle because Ben could walk and he wasn't asleep yet, he could have easily walked out of the room into the burning house and we would not have been able to save him. I just remember standing in the ditch saying "I am going to die" over and over. I remember a lady comforting me and saying, "you aren't going to die, you are safe." Through counseling I have realized that having that experience at a very young age has caused some of my fears, phobias and anxieties.

Since Kamber passed away I have gone through the gamete of emotions from extreme sorrow to being so angry I could hurt someone. The worst part of it is you never know which emotion you will have or what will trigger it.

Yesterday at church one of the talks really made sense to me. She said, "when you are going through trials you need to pray and ask, what am I to learn from this trial?" I have thought long and hard about that ever since and realized that I really haven't asked Heavenly Father that question. I have been too worried about how I feel and not about what I should learn from this. I do know that I felt the Holy Ghost stonger than I ever have in my life during that week between her death and the funeral. I know he is the comforter, and that my Heavenly Father loves me. He has allowed me to be the grandmother of an angel child. As hard as it is, it is also a great blessing to know she dwells with the "best of the best." I hope I will be worhty some day to live with her.

Can I Just Check Out?

Does anyone care if I just check out for the month of July and come back when August hits and the kids are back in school? That would be so nice if we could just go somewhere and escape all those challenges that come our way. I hate to complain because I have been called the "most negative person" on the planet, but I will anyway. When I listen to the news and they say we have an "extreme heat advisory" for the weekend and that our temps could be around 115 degrees, it makes me want to go find the nearest tunnel and climb in. I went swimming with my friend Paula last night, (okay it was more like walking around in a bathtub) because the water was almost 90 degrees, we had good conversation but I wouldn't call it refreshing.

Last Friday I went to Kohl's with Mindi to find some clothes for her kids to take to Willcox for the 4th. As we walked in I saw these darling red, white, and blue flip flops sitting on the counter. I told Mindi how much they reminded me of Kamber and I should buy them. Anyway, we walked the whole store and when we went to check out, the little shoes were still sitting there. I couldn't help myself so we bought them. Maybe Brookie can wear them next year. I never have loved the July-August part of the summer in Arizona but now I have a special reason to despise it. The anniversary of sweet Kamber going home to our Heavenly Father is rapidly approaching and I don't know how to feel or what to think. Part of me is so happy for her, I am almost jealous of the fact she was taken out of this wicked world, but the selfish part of me misses her daily. I know July 25th will come and go and we will survive it. That's the problem; I'm sure we will live to see another summer next year.

Summer Blues

Every year about this time I seem to go into a summer depression. I think it is probably what people who live in cold climates experience in the winter when they don't see the sun for months. It is just the opposite for me, I would give anything for a monsoon thunderstorm, or even some cool cloudy weather. I have lived in Arizona my whole life and every year I wonder, why do we live here? When the weather is nice I somehow accumulate a bunch of unwanted animals that people have bought and then realize how hard they are to take care of. Then when summer comes I worry constantly about how they are doing in the 110 degree heat. I have become one of those people, in April I bought a darling baby female Flemish giant rabbit. I have always wanted one because I felt like she would grow so big she wouldn't get out of the pen so the dogs could kill her. Anyway, when I got her the weather was beautiful and I was so happy to bring her home. Well, yesterday I realized that having a 20 pound rabbit caged up in the house wasn't that great. I had to keep her in the house because anything over about 80 degrees would kill her. Anyone who has raised rabbits know that they go to the bathroom A LOT and it isn't that pleasant of a smell. So after thinking about it all day, I called my friend Lisa who is a licensed animal rescuer and told her my situation. She said, "why don't you bring her over and I will work with her and see if I can litter box train her." We took her over to Lisa who is the kindest person I know when it comes to animals, she even has a kangaroo hopping around her house. She will either keep her or find her a new home, but as we drove home I realized that I had become one of those people I get upset with who buy animals and don't realize the commitment and then dump them on others. I don't know if it is because I'm old, tired or just plain sad about the passing of Kamber, but I just don't have it in me anymore. I'm tired of everyone going on vacation and me staying home taking care of all the animals. Most of it I have brought on myself but I am going to try really hard to simplify my life and just try and endure another sweltering summer in Arizona, who knows, we may even get a storm sometime.

Boring 4th of July

I remember as a kid how fun the 4th of July was. We would sometimes go up to the White Mountains to visit my father's family. The fireworks were great, the rodeo was fun with all the cowboys they even had a parade. As I got older I even took some friends up there for the country dances. When I married a country boy from Richfield Utah we would take our little family up there to visit friends and family in "Zion." They have a great thing going up there with the parade and then everyone would go to the park where they had booths set up for the kids to do fun activities. The fireworks were held at the park and they would light them off up on a mountain. It was so loud but we had a great time. I remember seeing all the little kids in Richfield would shoot off firecrackers and have sparklers, that was foreign to me because my Mother was such a worry wart she would never let us play with fireworks, (that is where we get our paranoia.)
This year was a sad 4th for me. All my kids went out of town. Mindi and Dave went to his hometown of beautiful Wilcox. Candi and B.J. took their boys to Huntington Beach to visit his family. Ethan and Jenn took their girls up to Eagar to stay in the cabin with friends in the cool. And Spencer and Annie went to a family reunion in Montana. Rich even left me on Thurs. and went up to the Havasupai Falls with the young men and leaders in our ward. He got home Friday night but can't hardly walk, just shuffle.
While my family has been gone I have had some time to reflect on my life. It just doesn't seem fair that as mothers we spend the prime of our lives raising children, giving them all we have to give and then in a "blink of and eye" they are gone. They have their own lives with their own families. I know that is Heavenly Fathers plan, but I still don't like it.
It's hard getting old. Yesterday I went shopping at the mall with my dear friend Marlene. Then Rich and I went to Scottsdale to have dinner at the Hometown Buffet with my 80 year-old parents, my sister Mell and her husband Larry, and my favorite cousin Barb Abney. I never thougth I would be spending my 4th of July at a buffet. It was fun and nice not to have to cook and clean but it wasn't the same.
I remember when my kids were young and driving me crazy, I so wished for them to be grown and on their own. I guess you need to be careful what you wish for because eventually it all comes true.