I Had The Blues

Life has been crazy trying to get the kids back in school. Plus, I have to admit I've been in a dark place and when I'm there, I don't like to put anything down that will come back to haunt me later on. I also don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but the clouds have parted a little bit and the sun is shining again. We have the 110 degrees to prove it. Will summer ever end down here?
Mindi and I have been running all the errands we have needed to these last two days that the kids have been back in school. As we drove down Higley by the freeway there was a guy sitting on a chair with a sign advertising a Mexican Restaurant down the street. He had a hat on but it said it was 111 degrees in the car. Mindi made the comment how she wondered why he didn't bring an umbrella to sit under to protect him from the sun. I then had such a deep sense of guilt. How desperate would I have to get to sit out on the pavement holding a sign in the oppressive heat? My husband, son, son-in-law and even Spencer in Denver have to go out every day and endure the weather conditions. I commend them for that, and appreciate all they do to support their families. My darling Ethan was threatening to take my grandchildren out of state because he HATES THE HEAT! I hear you, but Madeline and I will do some major kick butt if you try and take our grandchildren away from us. Jenn has promised me that she will do all she can to stay close. I love her for that.
I have been pretty much home bound all summer because of my pain. I did get brave this week and went to the grocery store. Mindi has been picking up stuff here and there but I needed to go. I took my crutches and it was good to just get out of the house and in the public. It almost felt weird. Anyway, we were over at the end of the store and I glanced over and saw a guy in a little motorized cart, (my sister thinks I need to use those in the store) but I have too much pride. As I watched him talk to the girl in the deli he was so happy. I glanced down and he had a sandal on one foot and then a tennis shoe on the other. As I looked closer he only had one leg and a prosthetic leg. I want to be like him and no matter what happens I want to have a good attitude. It reminded me of a little poem:

I had the blues
Because I had no shoes
Until upon the street
I met a man who had no feet

Life is so precious and I don't want to take one day for granted.

True To Our Covenants

Between the scorpion sting on my leg, the black ant bites on my feet and my poor little arthritic hip, life sometimes gets a little bit difficult. I just went out to feed my animals and as I was watering the plants I looked up into the sky and there were some really pretty clouds. The colors of the plants seemed so bright and I began to think about how I need to take the time once in a while and stop worrying about my challenges and just think about the blessings in my life. Not even to mention it was only 96 degrees.
In one of our classes at church today we were talking about the importance of Fathers in the family. I have been blessed with a wonderful Dad. We haven't always seen "eye to eye, ' especially when I knew everything around sixteen, but all in all he has been so supportive. As I have talked about a lot our family has had some adversities in the last few years. It seemed like after Kamber passed away our family kind of went in to shock and then with me the depression and anger came. I know that is one of the stages of grief but until you go through something like that, you will never understand. My parents have been so great to support me and my family during all our trials. When we needed money for the funeral they were there. When work was slow and we needed food, they were there also. My parents live in a 50 year old house in Scottsdale, with the same furniture and the same pictures on the walls that have been there for at least thirty years. I keep telling my Mom that the kids have all grown up and had their own children and it's time to update, get rid of the baby pictures. All she says is "I likes it the way it is." My parents have sacrificed so much for the good of the family. We are getting so big with all the children and grandchildren but my Mom never forgets a birthday and my Dad is so generous at Christmas. They work in the Temple two nights a week and at their age I think that is remarkable.
I know they are worried sick about me and the pain I'm in. They are the ones who are wanting me to have surgery. Because we are self employed it has been hard to find health insurance to cover me, so most of the surgery will be paid for by them. Hopefully the insurance I do have will pay for some of it and Rich has been lucky to keep the business going and he continues to have some good jobs. We will survive, I hope.
In RS today we were talking about covenants. I look at how hard it is to be married and raise children. I see my own kids and the trials they have with raising this generation. Someone once said that with all the divorces going on how did Rich and I keep it together? The only thing that has truly kept us together has been that we have been true to the covenants we made in the Temple thirty four years ago. Without that we would not have made it, I'm sure of that. This year my parents will celebrate sixty years of marriage. I know it hasn't been easy for either one of them, but I always knew that they loved the Savior and they were true to the covenants that they made. I also know that they have put their happiness second to the happiness of all of us.
I am going to try really hard this week to see all the blessing and tender mercies that continue to come my way, I know I don't deserve them.

Four Birthdays, a Scorpion and a Naughty Boy

Every night when I go to bed I look in my sheets and wonder if this is the night I will get stung by a scorpion. I have to say I've been really lucky so far this summer but my luck ran out last night. I was sleeping so soundly at about 12:30 a.m. when I felt something crawl across my leg. I reached down and grabbed it and threw it off the bed. The problem is I wasn't quite fast enough before it stung me a few times on the back of my leg just below my knee. If you have ever been stung you know what's coming next. I went in the laundry room and grabbed a black light and plugged it in and tried to find the little bugger, but never did. I then started my treatment of ice, essential oils, benadryl and Tylenol. I layed on the couch in my living room until 2:30 a.m. and then went back to bed. When I was pulling up the sheets and shining my light Rich rolled over and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was scorpion hunting but he just rolled back over and went back to sleep. I figured if it got him I didn't care.

Today is Jenn's birthday so this is the fourth birthday this week for us. Tristyn turned twelve yesterday and her big blow out party is tomorrow afternoon. I can't believe how old my grand kids are getting. When Annie has her little girl it will make fourteen grandchildren for us. We are so thankful for the wonderful parents our children are. We are truly blessed and we don't take any of them for granted.

I had an experience with Mindi's baby Troy on Wednesday. We went out to Major's party and when we got home Mindi needed to take Tristyn to get her registered for junior high. The other boys were going to a friends house but Troy looked tired so I kept him with me. I got him a drink and turned on Micky Mouse Clubhouse and then went in the bedroom to watch Glenn Beck. This is my afternoon nap time and I tried really hard to stay awake. I could hear him in the family room and he even woke me up a couple of times to help him in the bathroom. Anyway, at 3:00 we have to turn off all our air conditioners because we are on a energy saving program with SRP. When I went into the family room it was a disaster, Troy had gotten out about four games and there were toys everywhere. I said, "Troy you pick up all these toys or I'm going to beat your butt!" I then went down to my house to turn the air off and when I walked down the hall I could see that my plants outside looked really wilted. I decided I would go out front and water the plants on the porch with the hose. I kept coming in and listening to hear if Troy was crying or anything and I never heard a word. After I was finished I went back down to Mindi's and Troy was gone. I went in to every room, the garage, outside the front, outside the back and I was calling his name all through the house. I then went down to my house and did the same thing searching every room and outside in the pool area and over by my ponds and no Troy. By then I was starting to have a panic attack and wondered if I should call 911 or Mindi. I decided I should call Mindi and tell her that her baby was missing and I was a terrible babysitter and grandmother. She said she was on her way and I hung up. I then went back to Mindi's house and did the same thing going room to room and yelling his name. It was 110 degrees so I didn't think he would be dumb enough to go outside but I didn't know where he would go in the ten minutes I had left him alone. I finally opened the front door yelling his name and when I turned back around there he was lying on the floor under the glass table in their living room not saying a word. Rich asked me if I "beat his butt" but I don't think Grandmas should spank their grand kids. Anyway, I called Mindi back who was on her way home by then and told her where he was. I don't think she will be leaving him with me anytime soon, that's probably good for both of us.

What's so Special about August?

I don't know what is so special about the month of August, but we are having a string of birthdays this month, plus Annie should be having her baby soon. This week we have four birthdays. Gunnar turned two on the 1st, Major will be five tomorrow on the 4th, Tristyn will hit the big 12 on the 5th and then Jenn will be 29 on the 6th. Dally Dog will be 3 on the 27th. I guess November is a really thankful month for the Larsen Family.

Talk about birthdays. Mine is in May so when I received a birthday card in the mail on July 30th I was dumbfounded. I got a purple envelope addressed to Teri Larsen Barnhill with my correct address. I opened the letter up and found this picture of a really nice, (old) lady with her tongue sticking out. I thought huh, who would be sending this? Inside the card it says, "ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING Happy Belated Birthday." Then there was a couple of pictures of two very nice looking women in bathing suits out on the beach. There was a handwritten note that said, "Like Mark says two really hot babes." Love you, Jeane. Okay, I am so confused right now. I do not know anyone whose name is Jeane who lives in Bloomington, Minnesota. Okay, now what do I do? I have wondered if I should just keep it, or send it back telling Jeane that she's lost her mind.

I continue to try and keep my mind off of having surgery, wondering if there is anything I could do to aleviate the pain without surgery. I have six more weeks to worry about it so that's good. I still could have a miracle RIGHT?

"Sweet Hour of Prayer"

I can't believe it is already the month of August. The summer is almost over and I can say that I survived another summer in the desert. It has been so nice the last couple of days. I think it never got out of the 80's yesterday and it was cool again today, but don't worry it is suppose to be back up to 109 degrees by Thurs. We have gotten some good rain showers so the grass is really green and growing like crazy. Our roses still look really sad but as soon as it cools off they will be happy again.
Spencer started training camp today in Denver. Rich and I came home from church and got on the Internet to see what was going on in Bronco Country. Right off the bat they talked about two of their running backs who went down with injuries today, the first day of practice. I can't tell you how much I worry and pray constantly for that boy to survive these grueling practices. I know everyone thinks it would be easy to be a professional athlete, but I have seen the other side, and there is a huge risk with playing football. I remember when I took him to get his sports physical to play high school ball. The doctor looked me in the eyes and said, "are you sure you want him to play? The statistics show that 25 percent of all football players end up with a life altering injury." I was shocked, but that is what he loves and has chosen to do to support his little family. What can I do when he's that old and that big and strong?
I have been consumed with emotion about the news that I need a hip replacement. I have prayed and prayed to feel peace about this decision. When I wake up in the night that is all I can think about. I am so scared. I have let fear run my life for a long time now. When I was a teenager I was a typical "nothing can hurt me" kind of kid, but as I have taken a few hard knocks in life I have lost my ability to trust and have faith. My Dad told me the other day that I needed to just make a decision and tell the Lord this is what I'm going to do and then go for it. It is easy for him to say, but he isn't me, no one knows how I feel inside. I'm still hoping for a miracle, that one day I will wake up and the pain will be gone and I can walk normally. If a miracle doesn't happen I will be seeing the surgeon.
Life is hard and the older I get the harder it becomes. Today in church one of the hymns we sang was "Sweet Hour of Prayer." As I sang the words I could feel the love of my Heavenly Father. The words were, "Sweet hour of prayer! Sweet hour of prayer! That calls me from a world of care And bids me at my Father's throne Make all my wants and wishes known. In seasons of distress and grief, My soul has often found relief And oft escaped the tempter's snare By thy return, sweet hour of prayer! I'm trying really hard to have faith that everything will work out for the best and know that I need the "sweet hour of prayer" now more than ever.

"Confused and Discouraged"

When Rich and Lennie got home from their missions they would use the saying "confused and discouraged" when talking about something going on in their lives. I never really got it, but the last couple of days I have felt this way. I knew the news wouldn't be good yesterday at the doctor but today I'm feeling overwhelmed.
After looking at the x-ray of my poor little arthritic hip he gave me three options. Get a cane and try some pain relievers, get a cortisone shot in the joint, or have surgery, meaning a hip replacement. After having a little cry fest and with some encouragement from my parents I went ahead and scheduled my surgery. Now today I'm trying to process all the information and feelings I'm experiencing. I don't like any of these options.
The idea of being out of pain and not so crippled really appeals to me, but I am lacking faith to walk into the fire and out the other side. I'm sure most of this is normal but because of my anxiety disorder it makes it difficult. To everyone else it seems like such a "no brainer" but when it comes to making a big decision that will change my life it is hard.
I didn't sleep hardly at all last night. I kept thinking about how hard it was the week between Kamber's passing and the funeral. I remember how out of control my emotions were and how everything I did seemed SO HARD for me. I thought back about one special day when as a family we went to dress her, I didn't know if I could handle the stress but decided to go. I will never forget the spirit I felt there that day. I remember during that week anytime I knew I might go "out of control" I would start saying the words in the song "Come, Come Ye Saints," "Gird up your loins; fresh courage take, Our God will never us forsake; And so we'll have this tale to tell- All is well! All is well!" Here we go again talking about courage, something I'm lacking big time.
Hopefully the sun will come up tomorrow and I will find peace in my decision to move forward, thanks to everyone who cares.

Love the Summers in Arizona

It seems like every summer around this time I get so down in the dumps I might as well dig a hole and crawl in it. If my hip didn't hurt so bad I would probably try it. Rich grew up in Utah and went to Canada on his mission so he HATES the cold. The first summer he was here he got a huge rash on his legs, Ethan calls it "swamp #%*." I'm trying to be better about my foul language. Ha Ha. Rich says the heat doesn't bother him, but I think it is because he loves to suffer. Anyway, for the last month I have been mostly housebound. It has hurt to sit, stand, walk, and even get comfortable lying down. I see a surgeon tomorrow but I don't think I am going to like what he is going to tell me, or be willing to do the treatment and take the risk. However, I may be forced to do just that.
I think the hardest thing about being in pain and not being able to enjoy life is that I begin to resent everyone else who goes about their lives and could give a rat's behind about me. (This is only in my "nut case" brain). They ask me how I'm feeling, but seriously what can anyone really do to help? They are all too busy with their own lives and problems. Then I get mad at myself because I hate being dependent on others for my welfare. This is something I need inspiration for and to figure out on my own with the help of the medical professionals.
I think it's time for me to start preparing to be a Snowbird. I told Spencer when he was here that I may need to come up to Colorado in the summer and live here in the winter. The problem is getting rid of the petting zoo in my back yard. Maybe by next year all the animals will have either died or been eaten by the dogs. I love my animals for about eight months out of the year. The other four months are just plain brutal.
I think I might be having withdrawal symptoms. I haven't been in the mall, to Kohls, JoAnns, Hobby Lobby, I've even had to give up the grocery store. What kind of life is it if you can't go shopping and spend money? If it was up to Rich he would like to keep me home and out of the stores, it's way cheaper.
I do have some wonderful friends. I appreciate those who called to let me know they were thinking about us during last week. I also received a beautiful card from a dear friend. Thank you for that! We are always glad when the 25th is over, and we can get our minds back on the reality of life. There are no guarantees, we have learned that. I remember when I would complain about how my life was so crappy, my brother Len used to always say, "Teri life isn't fair, I spit on fair." Then he would tell me all the things I should be thankful for. I never really knew what that meant "spitting on fair", but he said he learned it in law school.
I'm sure I will survive another summer, I've lived here fifty-seven years and it hasn't killed me yet. We only have a few more months and it will be cool again.

"All is well! All is well!"

Sundays are always a day for me to reflect on my family, testimony and faith. As I was getting ready for church I became a little emotional but got my waterproof mascara on and limped in to the chapel. The opening song started and the tears began to flow. The song "Come Come Ye Saints." has always been one of my favorite hymns. I remember my Mother and Grandmother telling me stories about our ancestors who left their homes and came across the plains to find religious freedom. Many of them died of starvation or illness, and lots of the mothers buried children in the frozen ground of the mid west, but continued on hoping for a brighter future. The final verse of the song says, "And should we die before our journey's through, Happy day! All is well! We then are free from toil and sorrow, too; With the just we shall dwell! But if our lives are spared again To see the Saints their rest obtain, Oh, how we'll make this chorus swell-- All is well! All is well!

After church Spencer and Annie came over because they are leaving for Colorado today. He has always wanted Rich to give him a blessing before the start of the season. I asked Rich to have Spencer help him give me a blessing because I am in desperate need of help regarding this "pain in the butt" hip problem I have. It is special to have worthy Priesthood holders live in your home. I don't take that for granted. Annie's parents came after church and Spencer then gave Annie a blessing because she will be having a baby away from home for the first time. Then Rich and Annie's Dad Mark gave Spencer a wonderful blessing to help him get through this season.

My thoughts have been on Kamber all day long, this being the two year mark since her return to Heaven. I want to be so happy for her. Her mortal journey is over and because she was only two she has the wonderful opportunity to live with our Heavenly Father. The hard part now is for the rest of us to endure like the pioneers did and keep getting closer to Him. As I was sitting in church not being able to control my tears, Mindi turned to me and said, "remember you said, we aren't going to celebrate her birth or death, we are going to honor her everyday." I hope someday I will be able to say, "All is well! All is well!"

Baby Max Is Here!

Today is the end to a very busy and emotional week. Mindi and Tristyn left for camp on Tues. morning. I have tried to do everything possible to keep her boys happy and the animals all alive without their help. The boys were so good for me. Rich and I aren't as nice as Mindi and Dave, but the boys adjusted to that pretty well. Thanks so much to Vicki and Jamie for doing the bulk of the entertaining, I'm just too old to keep up with these little guys. Yesterday Candi came over to "do her magic" on all of us. Spencer and Annie were here to help, so we had seven boys, all from the ages two to almost ten, all my grand sons together. It was quite the "rodeo" with them taking turns getting their hair cut. Candi saves us so much time and money by doing these "Larsen family spa days." She even trimmed and painted my toes, I'm sure Mindi is thankful for that. We were talking about how fun it would be if all us girls could get together sometime and get a massage, facial, pedicure and the works. Maybe someday we will have enough money to go do that.

Jenn was supposed to be induced yesterday morning at 7:30 am. Well, they called them early from the hospital and told them they were too busy and would let them know when they had a bed for her. We had it all planned out as to how we would survive the day. We would all be together and when the baby arrived we would just take turns going to the hospital and seeing him. They finally called them at 4:00 pm telling them to "come on down". By the time they got her hooked up and labor started it was our bedtime. I told Ethan to let us know if it happened in the next few hours otherwise we would talk to him in the morning. How stupid was that? I woke up at 1:00 am wondering if our new grand baby had arrived, then worried until 4:00 am until Rich woke up and we tried calling their cell phone. Ethan called back at about 4:05 am telling us that little Maxton had just made his entrance into this world with a huge splash. He weighed 9 lbs 9 oz and was 21 3/4 inches long. He wasn't due until Aug. 6th, so thank you Dr. Huish for helping Jenn out. He told them the baby would have been over 11 pounds had they not taken him early. Jenn is soooo tired, but so relieved to have him out and doing well. She said it was nice being able to breath again without two feet pressing on her lungs.

On Suday it will be the two year anniversary of our precious Kamber returning to our Heavenly Father. Her passing has made us extremely vulnerable and emotional. It has also given us more knowledge of how life is given and taken away. We do not take Maxton's birth for granted as we know it is a tender mercy and gift from our Heavenly Father. This baby does Not replace the life that was shortened on that sad July day two years ago. As grandparents we cherish the memories we have of her and to have been able to spend two short years loving her. It is an honor to be her grandparents. We think about her every day and are trying really hard to be worthy to see her again. We know that she was a special child of God who is the Father of her spirit, and we know that he has a pure love for her. We will never forget her!

Camp Lo Mia, Camp Lo Mia

Mindi and Tristyn left for girls camp this morning at 6:00 a.m. I needed to talk to her before she left so when I woke up at 3:45 a.m. I decided to read my book so I wouldn't fall back to sleep and have her leave before getting my instructions for the week. I went back to bed at about 5:30 a.m. and when I woke up went down to see what the three little Moser boys were doing. They had the t.v. on and were just sitting on the couch. It is so nice that they are getting older and you don't have to watch them every second. Trace and Trent are so good with Troy and he is even showing signs of maturity. We went out and fed the animals and then they were to get dressed, clean their room, feed the fish and bird, eat some breakfast and then they could call Vicki who was nice enough to take them for the day. Dave got home a little early so he could be here to feed them dinner and do the night time rituals, baths and teeth brushing.
I know Mindi was having anxiety about going to camp. When she was twelve and going for the first time she didn't want to go. I got all her stuff together and sent her up with one of the leaders in her car. About a half hour later she came bringing her home. They had only gotten a few miles when Mindi told her she was feeling sick and thought she was going to throw up. Of course as soon as she got home she ate everything in site and was fine. So, the next year I decided to go up and work in the kitchen so I could be there for her. Last week when we found out that Dr. Huish was going to induce labor on Jenn, Mindi thought maybe she wouldn't go to camp that we needed her here at home. Of all my children, she is the one who is the most devoted to her family. She takes on a lot of stuff that isn't her responsibility but she does it out of love for all of us. I'm sure most of it is because she is the first born and a girl, my sister is the same way.
At dinner last night Rich brought up that this is the first time in five years we won't be going up to camp on Bishop's Night. Even though that is a hard trip to do in one day, the spirit of Camp Lo Mia is so strong. My Grandpa Marion Turley was one of the original builders and donated lots of time and money to build that beautiful camp up in Pine. When we went to camp it was a little less structured and we did lots of pranks and scary story telling. We would have water and shaving cream fights. I think it got a little bit out of hand so now they keep the girls really busy with classes and crafts so they are tired at night and don't get into trouble like we did. I hope all goes well and it cools down, they could even have a few thunderstorms and that is always fun to smell the pine trees after a storm. Those were the good old days!

Family Pictures at the Temple Site

I think Mondays should be the "day of rest" because Sundays are sometimes very hectic for us. We had a good day though. Rich and Spencer spoke in the Lexington Ward yesterday. They did a good job with the topic of Faith and Hope, but it gave me anxiety because it was so QUIET. Because this ward is made up of all young singles there weren't any children crying or making noise, it was a little strange, but a nice change. I didn't sleep well on Saturday night, I sometimes get overwhelmed with worry about stuff I have no control over. After church and dinner we went to the hospital to visit the family who had a near drowning of their two year old last week. They had some "not so good news' from an insensitive doctor on Saturday, but good news today about some tests run that showed absolutely no brain damage. We are thrilled with that. Rich has grown really close with this little family and was devastated to hear of the accident that almost took her life. We know the prayers for this family are being answered and are thankful for all the support from our ward members.

We are so excited that there is a new temple being built in Gilbert. Our stake president has asked every family to go to the site where the temple is going to be built and take a picture of our family. Then after the temple is built we are to take our families back and take another picture. Well, last week was so horribly hot, (that isn't a news flash) Arizona is always hellish hot in the summer. When Rich suggested that we get all our children and grandchildren to meet down at an empty hay field and take pictures of ten adults, eleven children that included two pregnant women, I told him he was CRAZY. Jenn will be having her baby this week and Spencer and Annie are leaving to go home to Colorado next week, so yesterday was the last Sunday we could get together and take this picture. Even though some of us were murmuring about it we had a fun time. It was a little warm, but a storm was moving in so there was a little breeze. There was also a hay fire burning behind us, but we got the pictures done. When we got in the truck I said, "Happy Dear?" He said, "I'm really happy and someday you will be too." He was right, this will be the last time we will all be together until next year after the football season is over. By then we will have the two children born who are making their mamma's uncomfortable as we speak. Thanks to all our kids for being such good sports, it means a lot to us!

PAIN

As I have talked about for a few weeks I have been having terrible pain in my hip. I had a fracture in it when I was about 12 years old and now with getting old it has deteriorated. I have had a couple of days this week that it was bearable so yesterday I went shopping. It was a lot of fun but a STUPID thing to do. I was up all night in extreme pain. I have an appointment next week to see the doctor. Anyway, all week I have been having these thoughts about PAIN. There are many types of pain, physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological. I'm sure we will experience all of them during our lifetime. As I was reading my book, "The Continuous Atonement," by Brad Wilcox he talks about pain. There is a quote by Marie K. Hafen who said, "The gospel of Jesus Christ was not given us to prevent our pain. The gospel was given us to heal our pain." I have heard of children who are born with a disorder where they do not feel pain. Because of that, their lives are limited to what they can do. They will put their hands on the hot stove and not even feel it. One little girl had to wear special gloves because she would pull on her face and eyes causing severe damage. So pain is necessary for us and serves a real purpose.
All week I have been following a story about a little girl who fell in an irrigation ditch in Idaho and was found by a farmer two miles down the road. If you would like to read about her you can get on their family blog at patrickandashley.blogspot.com. They did everything they could do to save her but she passed away yesterday. The family seems so solid in their testimonies of the gospel and they know they will be with her again. It seems like there is sadness and heartache everywhere, but also great service and "bearing one an others burdens that they may be light" going on also.
This week Jenn will be having her first son. After having four beautiful daughters, one who has returned home to live with our Heavenly Father, I worry about the pain she will have to endure. I had four children without the benefits of drugs, I begged for them but because I went so fast I got the opportunity to feel every pain. At times I did pray to die and begged for help but I survived, and it was extremely worth the pain. I have faith that Kamber is aware of her little brother coming to her family and I hope the angels will watch over Jenn in this very exciting and spiritual experience of bringing another baby into this world.

Hard but Worth It!

We got a call from Len this morning. He sounded so good but extremely tired. This mission president stuff is probably "kicking his butt" but he sounds so happy serving. He said that he had to take some missionaries to the airport at 4:00 a.m. who were going home. Because they live on the east coast they had to leave that early so they wouldn't get home at 2:00 a.m in the morning. They are driving 300 miles tomorrow for training. I honestly felt so tired after we got off the phone. I know that would be unbearable for me to be on the go none stop for three years.
A couple of weeks ago a sister in our ward was talking about the role we have as mothers. We know how busy you are with little children. It seems like someone is always sick or needs our attention. Not to mention the cooking, laundry, homework and all their activities. Anyway, when your children get married, move out and start raising their own families your role changes. I know the days before Mindi got married I was "in the toilet." It was like she was going to be gone forever. I remember my Mom saying, "where do you think she's going? You aren't losing her, you are gaining another son." I am so lucky that all my children married wonderful people. I love Dave, B.J., Jenn and Annie like they were my own children. As I look at my two pregnant daughter-in-laws, I am so thankful they are such great mothers. Jenn will be having her little guy next week so Ethan will finally have a son. He says he really doesn't care, but I think he will be so thrilled with a boy. He will be born a few days before the anniversary of Kamber going back to her heavenly home. I hope it is a healing experience for our family. We know we can never replace Kamber and the love we had for her, but I feel like this is a tender mercy from our Heavenly Father. It is really hard to have faith when you go through a hard trial. It seems like I'm always looking around to see what crises will come my way. When you are blindsided by something as painful as the death of a child it knocks you for a loop. I'm trying to be strong and convince myself that we aren't in charge. There is a higher power that understands us and hopefully answers our prayers. Life is hard, but so worth it!

I Think I'm Retiring

Every summer I think it will be different. June wasn't that bad but now July has been AWFUL. I feel myself wanting to crawl in a hole and live down with the gophers. This morning I was worrying about all I needed to get done I was wondering what I could do to become a "snowbird." If I got rid of all my animals maybe I could just go up to Eagar or Utah for the summer and come back in the fall. The heat is really hard on my animals and I worry constantly about their welfare. The other day one of my chickens jumped over the fence so the dogs took care of her. Then I asked Mindi to do the chores Sunday evening because I was going to a fireside that Spencer was speaking at. She plugged one of my pumps into the wrong outlet so it never came on. In the morning I found seven of my biggest koi fish belly up. Rich just calls that "thinning the herd." I'm tired of the death and dying over here. I know we are suppose to endure to the end, but I think it's time to give up on the farming and ranching. I think I'm going to just concentrate on my quilting. I was just talking to a friend of mine in the ward and we are kicking around the idea of starting a little quilting club. Anyone who has a talent for quilting or would like to learn can let me know. It may just be the two of us for now, but we think it would be a fun little hobby and a way to use our talents in a constructive way.
Candi just called to give me the "guilt trip" about going to the movie with all the grand kids. I would much rather stay home and take a nap while watching Glenn Beck, but I guess it will be good for me to get out of the house in the 110 degree weather limping to the mall to watch a movie about training dragons. Sounds delightful!

"Faith in Every Footstep"

Two weeks from today will be two years since our precious two-year old grand daughter passed away after falling into the family pool. It has been an agonizing painful experience that we try and get through day by day, trying to have "faith in every footstep." Every time I hear the news about another drowning or near drowning it makes me go down into a place that I consider "HELL."
Yesterday afternoon I received a call from a friend in our ward wanting to call Rich on his cell phone. He sounded a little bit out of breath and desperate. I waited a few minutes and then called Rich to see what the call was about. I said, "what is going on?" There was silence for at least twenty seconds and then my soft spoken husband tried to get some words out. All I could understand was that they had just pulled a good friend of ours little two year old from the pool and he was on his way to the hospital. I have to tell you I was stunned, no in shock. I couldn't believe this was happening again. My mind started racing as I was having all these thoughts, but this was different. I called Rich back and said, "you need to calm down and drive slow to the hospital," he assured me that he was okay and would be safe.
The news was good, she was breathing on her own and talking and we breathed a sigh of relief. Neither of us felt that deep heavy felling of doom that we had two years ago. We had a peaceful feeling that everything would be alright. We have faith that this little girl will be restored to her vibrant health and we pray for her parents.
Last night as I was out watering my thirsty plants, ( it has been hotter than he*#) and my mind was wandering. I was thinking about all I have read about the death of children from the prophets and church leaders. I have read in the scriptures about how much the Savior loves the little children and how special they are to him. The prophet Joseph Smith said, "Those children who die before they arrive at the years of accountability are saved in the celestial kingdom of heaven." This gives me peace and hope that I will see her again and that she will be perfect.
When Rich got home I told him of my feelings of why this little girl had been saved, but that Kamber's experience ended differently. He had the same feelings. We don't know the answer to that question, but we know that our Heavenly Father is in charge of this world and we will rejoice when that day comes when we will be able to hold Kamber in our arms again.

"Debbie Downer?"

It was brought to my attention the other day from a few members of my family that I am like the Saturday Night Live character Debbie Downer. I have always known that I'm not the "scattering sunshine everywhere I go" kind of person but I didn't realize how much of a downer I have become. I just feel like I need to keep my family informed of what is going on in the world and that means sharing some "not so good" things. Anyway, I hope to be able to try and be more of a positive person in the future. They can get their bad news from someone else.

These past couple of weeks I have been in so much pain I didn't leave my house except to go to church and over to see the fireworks. I have prayed for inspiration as to what doctor to see or who could best treat the pain. On Tues. I received a call from someone who I think may be able to help me. I have also spent a few hours in my pool trying to exercise my hip to try and relieve some of the swelling and pain. I am a little bit better, but not well by any means. It's hard getting old. My 80 year-old Mom thinks I'm so young but I guess it is all relative.

I finished my book this morning. The author, who while serving as a mission president had a nervous breakdown, talks about how hard of a trial it was, but how much he grew and learned while serving. We all will have that "thorn in the flesh" while living on this earth. Whether it is physical, emotional, spiritual or a combination of all of them it can be a heavy burden to bear. I know that our trials make us kinder, less selfish, more humble and many other attributes that we need to have to be more like the Savior. There was a little poem in his book called "Smile, Darned You, Smile." It is

If you can smile when things go wrong,

And say it doesn't matter,

If you can laugh off cares and woe,

And troubles make you fatter,

If you can keep a cheerful face

When all around are blue,

Then have your head examined, bud,

There's something wrong with you.

For one thing I've arrived at:

There are no ands and buts,

A guy that's grinning all the time

Must be completely nuts.

"All Good Dogs Go To Heaven"

As I have talked a lot before, I love animals. I don't know why because my parents really never let us have any. I think we had a couple of dogs, maybe two cats and my brothers had a turtle but other than that we didn't have many pets. When I was a junior in high school I found a puppy that needed a home. I told my parents that if we didn't take it they were going to take her to the pound, (that wasn't exactly true) but it worked. I brought my dog home and she loved me. I took her everywhere with me. The problem was she hated everyone else. She would tolerate my Mom but would bark at anyone else who would get near me. She was very protective. Her name was Putsey. When I went to my reunion in May we were all talking about the past and of course my friends had to bring up my darling little dog. She even bit one of my best friends when she came in my house. Of course Cynda had to show me the scar on her hand from 1970. When I got married my dog came with me. If Rich would have known that, I am sure he would have called the wedding off because he hated my dog, and she hated him. She always slept on my bed so when we got married of course she was right there. If Rich would roll over and touch her she would bite him. I can't tell you how many fights we had over that da$# dog, and how many times he threw her off the bed. Rich didn't really try to get her to like him either. One of the things he would do was throw his keys at her when he walked in the door after work, because she would bark at him. She was just protecting the house, but he didn't see it that way. Anyway, in 1986 my little dog wasn't doing well. She was blind and would sleep all day long. I went into the hospital to have gallbladder surgery so Rich told me that he was going to do the humane thing and have her put to sleep. I told him that if my dog was dead when I got out of the hospital I would not be coming home. So he took my dog over to my parents in Scottsdale and then went camping with the kids while I recovered. I remember getting a call from my Mom while I was still in the hospital telling me that my dog had suffered a stroke and she was going to take her to the vet that afternoon. Well, before they could get her to the vet she passed away under the chair in the den where my Dad was sitting. I have probably had ten dogs since then but no one will ever take the place of that little dog. Three weeks ago when we had to put our third golden retriever to sleep I decided that I am too old to have anymore dogs. It is just too sad when they get old and sick and I'm too tired to do it anymore. Spencer brought his new little puppy with him from Colorado. I had forgotten how much work they are and what a mess they make. Hopefully they will be taking Trixie home with them in a couple of weeks. I know Rich won't agree with me but "all good dogs go to heaven" and I think Putsey was a good dog for me.

Enjoying Family and Fireworks

This year the 4th fell on a Sunday. We went to church and had a nice dinner. Ethan had invited us out to their house for desert and sparklers but we felt they had too much company so we decided to just stay home. I was in my sewing room working on a quilt when Rich came in and said, "get ready we are going to Scottsdale to watch the fireworks on the balcony of Billy Jo's home." That was the first I had heard that idea thrown around. Rich has been blessed to have some very generous clients that he works for all the time. They went to spend the holiday on their boat in California and offered their balcony for our family to enjoy the fireworks. It was fun but at 9:15 p.m. we were getting restless with not being able to see much, so we left the building and headed down Scottsdale Rd. We ran right into the Tempe Town Lakes and saw a TON of fireworks. It was a fun night, something we hadn't ever done before.

I remember when I was pregnant thirty years ago, the time went by so slow. I would get my calendar out every week hoping that I was farther along than I really was. Some of my friends looked really cute pregnant and they said they felt really good also, I didn't look cute or feel well and couldn't wait to get that big baby out. The only way I could get through it was to list all the events I had to get through like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines sometimes even Easter. Last night we had all the kids and grand kids over for swimming, a cookout and sparklers. The cousins always have fun and in a couple of weeks Spencer and Annie will be gone until the end of the football season. The 4th of July will be the last celebration before Jenn and Annie have their babies. These two will put us up to fourteen grandchildren. We feel so excited to have them join our family.

July has always been a hard month to survive because it is usually the hottest month. When you add in the humidity it makes life almost unbearable. I was talking with a friend yesterday and she told me how isolated and depressed she becomes during the summer. We both talked about how we don't even like to leave our homes. July also is hard now since it is a reminder of the passing of Kamber. I remember listening to a show where Natalie Holloway's mother was talking about the disappearance and probable death of her daughter in Aruba. I was impressed when she said, "I don't celebrate her birthday or death, I try to honor her every day of my life." I thought that would be such a great way to honor Kamber also. Maybe I should try to honor her everyday by doing an act of service or kindness. If our whole family could do it we would have a legacy of good works. It has been two years now and even though at times I feel at peace with it, there are times when my heart is so sad I feel it can never be repaired. I guess that is what life is all about, going through trials that change our hearts and hopefully make us more like the Savior.

SWEET LIBERTY

I've been trying to stay busy all morning doing laundry and working on a couple of baby quilts. I have tried to keep from having a pity party but nothing is helping. It seems like when I was a kid and especially as a teenager the 4th of July was really a lot of fun. I remember going to Eagar and watching the parade, rodeo, driving up to Flat Top and eating watermelon under my Grandparents big weeping willow tree. I didn't have a care in the world. In the evening we would go to the country dances. I was from the city so I didn't have a clue how to two step, line dance or do any of those fancy turns the locals were doing. I didn't have any cowboy boots so my Grandma Slade bought me some moccasins. I'm sure I looked as out of place as I felt. When I got married we would spend the 4th in Richfield, Utah with Rich's family.

There is nothing prettier than those small Mormon towns in Southern Utah. They had a parade and then a super fun activity at the park. It was the first time I sat so close to fireworks that I had to cover my ears and keep my babies from crying. They would shoot them off at the Lion's Park and I couldn't believe how loud they were. I was so shocked to see all the little kids setting off firecrackers and sparklers because in Arizona, and especially with my overprotective parents we were not allowed to play with any kind of pyrotechnics.

Candi called last night and told me their itinerary for the weekend, parade, beach, swap meet, fireworks off the pier, and so on........ Spencer and Annie are up at a family reunion at the Pugmire family cabin in Overguard. I'm sure with all the family they have it will be a wonderful time for them. Every year I say I'm not going to stay home in the sweltering heat and watch the fireworks on t.v., but here again it's 2010 and I will not only be home, but going to church and fixing dinner this 4th of July. As I sat feeling sorry for myself I looked at this sign Mindi made. It says Sweet Liberty. I then started to feel ashamed at how I'm missing the whole purpose for this celebration. I am so blessed to live in this great country, to have wonderful parents who loved me and raised me with the gospel and a love for this country. I had two uncles who served in the military. One was killed in an air force training accident when their plane hit a mountain killing all on the aircraft. My other uncle was a navigator of B 52 bombers who flew over and bombed Vietnam during that war. My ancestors immigrated from England, Germany and Denmark in hopes of having a better life. The sacrifice they made to come to America makes me feel guilty that I have it so easy. I need an attitude adjustment and just be grateful for all the blessings I have by having a home and family. I may not be at the beach, or up in the cool pines, but at least I will have the freedom to worship how I want and be with those I love. Happy 4th to everyone.

Uplifted By A Funeral

This has been a crazy week for us. Mindi has spent these last few days with Tristyn down at a volleyball tournament in Phoenix. I have helped with her boys a little bit and thank heavens for Spencer and Annie for taking Troy to two movies. I injured my back again on Mon. so I have basically stayed inside my house with ice on my hip and back. I got in the pool with Jenn and her girls last night and my aches and pains have subsided a little bit. I'm thankful for any relief no matter how small.
As I talked about in an earlier post we had a friend of the family pass away on Sun. morning. He has been in poor health for a long time with a bad heart and kidney disease but he gave a good fight until the end. I attended his funeral this morning. My sister and her husband came and picked me up and we drove to Scottsdale to the church I went to growing up. I am not a big fan of funerals, in fact as we were driving there I could feel my anxiety starting to kick in. There is something really spiritual and sacred about death that makes me very uneasy. The church looked beautiful with all the flowers friends had sent. My Mom was there to greet us and we sat on the back row (my trademark). Anyway, it was a really nice funeral. I always feel uplifted.
His son-in-law gave his life story and gave three different qualities about him. They were, (1) Be positive, anytime he was asked how he was doing he would say,"Superb". (2) Don't sweat the small stuff, and everything is "small stuff." Then (3) Enjoy life, slow down and enjoy the moment. Look around and see all of God's creations and just enjoy being alive. My Dad was asked to give another talk. He always does so well. He is eight-one years old so he has done his share of speaking at funerals. He talked about tesimony. He gave a quote "Testimony is when your spirit whispers to my spirit and I beleive." Then he talked about how we are asked to endure to the end. But when you think about it there is No end.
It is interesting that as I looked around at all the people in the church it came to me that everyone there has been born and each one of us will suffer death and return home. It depends on us and the life we live that will determine what happens to us after that. I thought of Kamber who only lived two years, our friend was seventy-seven. The only difference is the time they will spend in heaven.