Not Myself

I have to admit that since my Dad passed away I haven't felt the same. I was warned by a good friend that even though he had a terminal illness and I knew he was on borrowed time, when he did pass away it would be hard. For the last few weeks I have felt different. I've been fighting pain in my arm and I still look like a penguin when I walk. I've also gained a few lbs. that I'm sure is because of the lack of motivation and sadness. Last night as I was eating dinner alone again, I had this thought come in to my mind, "what the heck are you doing?" I then tried to take an inventory of what I really am doing. Maybe I'm just at a crossroad in my life and I'm tired of doing all the things I've been doing for almost sixty-two years. I look at my husband who is working longer and harder now than he did when we were first married and that makes me feel guilty. I'm tired of "groundhog day." As I was talking to my Mom this morning about my feelings, she came back with her usual answer, "just look at all your blessings and try and cheer up." My parents have always been a strong influence on me and I have felt their love and concern for me most of my life, except when I was a teenager. I now worry about Mom living alone and wonder what I should be doing to help her. For some strange reason I don't feel like I'm where I'm suppose to be, or doing what I'm suppose to be doing. I feel like I always fall short of where I should be and what I should be accomplishing. I see Jenn over at her house taking care of two babies and getting zero sleep and I wonder what I should be doing to help her. I guess my problem is I'm on a big giant guilt trip that I'm putting on myself. I'm looking forward to Conference this weekend. I'm going to make a list of some answers I hope to get while listening to the talks and music. Hopefully by the end of the weekend I will feel better about what I'm doing and find out where I'm supposed to be. The answers have to be out there somewhere for me to get.