Goodbye to 2012

Today is the last day of 2012. I'm always glad when the calender flips over to a new year. It seems like I have the same emotions year after year about starting fresh. This year I will try and do better at eating healthier and losing weight. I will be more diligent in reading my scriptures, saying my prayers and going to the temple. I will try and think more positively and be less judgemental about others and myself. Yesterday was the last 8:00 a.m. church for two years. Yeah! On our way home Rich was teasing me about something he thought was funny that was hurtful, not humorous. Sometimes I come home from church feeling worse than when I went. Some of the lessons are more geared to young families who are raising their kids. Rich and I already had our chance and are well aware of all the things we did wrong. It's hard to listen to suggestions on how to raise the perfect family when I don't believe there are any perfect ones. As I talked to a family member yesterday about some of my beliefs, I realized that we all have our agency to do what we want. Just because I think something to be true, doesn't mean others do. I don't know what this year will bring. I am hopeful that my Dad will rally with his cancer treatment and be with us for another year. We are desperately hoping that he will be around when Lennie and Julie get home from their mission in July. I hope Spencer will be healed enough to play football again if he gets the chance. Rich and I have missed our time watching him play in the NFL. We were blessed with a new grand baby, number seventeen. This will probably be the end of our posterity for now, so we are so thankful for baby Dane. Tomorrow when I wake up it will be another year, another year without Kamber but with the knowledge that she is where she is suppose to be, with those who love her as much as we do here. Goodbye to 2012 and welcome 2013!

"Season Reminds Us That God's Here To Help"

I woke up this morning in the mood to get my house back to normal. After two hours of taking down all those cute, fun decorations, I'm in a huge mess and feel overwhelmed. I just keep telling myself that it took me a couple of weeks to get it all up, so I need to be patient while getting it all down. Last night as I was reading the paper before going to sleep, I came upon an article titled, "Season reminds us that God's here to help." It was written by someone from the Washington Post. As I started reading there was a paragraph that I thought applies to me. He says, "When parents die, they take with them a large portion of the past. But when children die, they take away the future as well. This is what makes the valley of the shadow of death seem so incredibly dark and unending. In a prideful way, it would be easier to walk the valley alone, nobly, head high, instead of -as we must- marching as the latest recruit in the world's army of the bereaved." I found out recently that someone in the family has been upset with us about the way we handled the funeral arrangements for Kamber. As Jenn and I were talking about it yesterday, I told her that the week between Kamber's death and the funeral are like a fog. I can't even remember how I survived. It seems like everyone from our family, neighbors, ward family and friends came to help, but honestly I don't know how we got through it. To say some hurtful things now almost five years later about that dark day in my life, seems like a low blow to me. Anyway, I have been to enough counseling to know that when people lash out at others it is because they are wounded and broken themselves. My Dad is really sick right now. We are trying everything we can to find something he can eat. I see his hair falling out and his skin turning a pale color and wish I could help him. He is caught in a hell between the pain of cancer and the side affects that the treatment brings. I pray every day that I won't have to go through something this hideous, but I'm sure there are worse things out there. In this article he says, "Grief is particularly difficult at Christmas, as the best memories can be the hardest ones. But hope of Christmas is broad enough for joy and sorrow." We never know what we will be asked to endure but knowing God is there to help us makes things more tolerable.

Merry Christmas!!!

Church, Cemetery and Temple Lights

Yesterday was a busy day with church and family activities. Only one more Sunday of 8:00 a.m. church, now that's something to celebrate. After our ward we went to Scottsdale to listen to my Dad speak in church. He did such a good job. I was worried he wouldn't feel well enough but was touched by the spirit as I listened to him bear his testimony and tell a special Christmas story. After church we gathered to take pictures of everyone who was there. Rich mentioned that the same place we posed yesterday was where we stood 36 years ago when we blessed Mindi. How has time gone by so fast? When we got home the rest of the family came over and we ate dinner and off to the cemetery we went to decorate Kamber's grave. It is always a peaceful place to be at Christmas and beautiful to look at all the decorations. Jenn visited with a man whose fifteen year old daughter died of bone cancer a year ago last November. It was nice to hear her tell him that "it does get easier," she has been where he is and knows how hard it is. On the way home from the cemetery we stopped at the Temple to see the lights. We haven't been there for a long time and it was fun to see the kids get so excited. We walked around for a while and left just as the crowd started getting too big and my anxiety was starting to kick in. Now today I am wrapping presents, grocery shopping, cleaning my house and hoping to keep my mind out of the deep doldrums that sink me into a place I hate to be. I just have to survive a few more hours and things will get better, I hope.

"Christmas Comes Around Every Year"

The week before Christmas is always mass chaos for me. Between parties, church activities, shopping and cleaning, I can feel the dark feelings of desperation approaching. It doesn't help that I've been fighting some sort of bug that keeps me coughing. Last night was our annual Turley Sister's Christmas party. It started when my Grandma Fern hosted the two families who lived here to come to her little house on 2nd Ave. in Mesa. We would eat and then have a little program with songs and talks. It was also a tradition to read a story called "Turkey Trot" Grandma found when she worked as a librarian. It's about a little black family who are so poor that the Mom tells them Santa doesn't come because he's white. It ends up being quite a cute story but tends to run a little long, so my sister has condensed it for the sake of time and the attention span of the great-grand kids now.  We usually have around a hundred people but last night was different. With Len and Julie on a mission, none of their family came and a lot of cousins on the other side were missing too. Dad and my brother-in-law Larry are both fighting a battle for their lives, so it put a damper on the evening. I told Rich the other day that I feel the tides are a changing. The world is different. The violence that we inflict on our brothers and sisters seems to be increasing and I see sadness everywhere. When I left the shopping center on Thursday there was a mother with a child asleep in a stroller standing at the exit with a sign asking for money. I handed her a couple of dollars and was hoping she wasn't a scam artist. I have felt a lot lately that this isn't the way life is suppose to be. Things should be perfect with butterflies, unicorns and M & M's everywhere. I called a friend of ours the other day to thank him for a gift he sent home for me with Rich. His wife passed away on my birthday last May. They never had any children, hence no grandchildren. As I was telling him about my feelings of being overworked and overwhelmed he said, "well you know Teri, it comes around every year." That has stuck in my mind since I talked to him, it does come around every and I seem to survive it, so I guess this year won't be any different. Just a couple more days and hopefully my cold will be gone and I can get back to getting more than five hours of sleep, and then it will be summer before we know it.

A Trip to the Rim

Every year at Christmas time my parents go on a little road trip and meet my Aunt Nadine on the Mogollon Rim to give her their gift.  This year because Dad is going through chemotherapy, he wasn't feeling well enough to drive and my Mom had to serve in the Temple, so they asked if Rich and I could take Dad. This is the week before Christmas, I have so much to do and Rich is crazy busy with work but we were happy to go. Rich left early to go check on a job, so Mindi and Trulie took me to Scottsdale to meet up with them and off we went. Nadine left Springerville at 9:30 and so did we, we were hoping to get there at the same time. There was a bad storm last weekend and another one moving through tonight and tomorrow so today was the day. As we reached the top of the mountain it became really foggy. Growing up in the desert we really don't have that much fog, so I was really scared. We saw Nadine parked on the opposite side of the highway, so Rich turned around and we loaded the citrus, ham, granola bars and pomegranate jelly Mom had made for the family in the White Mountains. I could not believe how pretty it was. I pulled my camera out and started taking pictures. The temperature was around 34 degrees and Dad was shivering as we visited with my aunt before she took off going North up through the fog. Rich had decided to bring some snow home for the grand kids so he went in the ditch to scoop snow in the back of the truck. By the time we got home there was just a little bit left, most of it had melted. When we got to Payson we decided to get some lunch. Dad hasn't been able to eat hardly anything and has lost about 30 pounds. His coloring doesn't look good and his hair is thinning. I was so happy when he was able to eat a little serving of chili and a frosty ice cream shake. We talked a little bit about how he feels about his situation. With the chemo he can't eat much, but without it he is in terrible pain. He has been having dreams about his father who died when he was only three days old. I don't know if he will make it to another trip next year to the rim, but I'm thankful for the time we got to spend with him today. I keep trying to remember the three things we take with us when we die, our character, our relationships and our covenants.

We Are So Sad

Yesterday Mindi and I were running a few errands. We went to the mall and then were on our way to the UPS store when we heard the news about the tragedy in Connecticut.  When we got home I turned on the t.v. to learn more. Rich and I are devastated about the killing of these innocent children and adults at this school. Being raised by parents who were school teachers for thirty years, my Mom teaching Kindergarten for half of that, this really hit home. This is just pure evil from some very disturbed person. When a child is taken from your family it is like part of your heart is missing. We know from sad experience what it feels like, but Kamber's death was an accident. We were able to hold her and hoped that she didn't suffer. These children and their teachers and other adults were murdered. What a sad day for America when we have something like this happening in our country.  Those police and first responders will be affected by this for the rest of their lives. I called Spencer yesterday and asked him if Tyton was okay. They live in Boston but I know that is in the area, well about and hour away. He was heartsick too and said, "what are we suppose to do, home school our children?" I didn't know how to answer him. As a grandmother of seventeen children from the ages of fourteen to two months, five of which are the same ages of those children killed, we need to stand up and do something to stop this violence. We pray for these families and hope they will be able to feel the love of our Heavenly Father through this grieving process.

Rooster Rescue

On Tuesday evening when I went out to do my chores I saw Spencer's dog Trixie had a chicken pinned down in the yard. I yelled at her and put her in the laundry room to feed her. I was in a hurry because it was getting dark and cold so I went out barefoot, on a search and rescue for the chicken. After walking up and down the yard I finally saw it hiding in the irrigation ditch under some grapevines. Since my hip surgery I don't dare get down in the ditch for fear I wouldn't make it out, so off I went to find a stick or something to help me get him out. Even with a stick he wouldn't budge so I ended up on my stomach in the yard pulling the d#*^  rooster out of the ditch. My feet were frozen and I told myself, "you are going to get sick now saving that good for nothing rooster." So sure enough I have been fighting the onset of a cold for the last two days and been taking every vitamin and supplement I can think of to help me. I need to stay well for at least two more weeks as we have a party tonight with the Stake, a ward breakfast tomorrow and a wedding reception tomorrow evening. To top it off Rich has to speak in church at 8:00 a.m. on Sunday. As Rich was helping me put some boxes up in our closet I said, "I hate Christmas, I will be so glad when it's over." I don't really hate Christmas, just the busy, out of control part of Christmas. All the other stuff I love, the music, lights, and family time. Anyway, I have so much to do I don't know where to start so I guess I will just start somewhere and hope I end up living through it. As my Mom always tells me, "Teri, just do the best you can, that's all you can do."

"Of You It Is Required"

We spent all weekend working around the house. It has been so hard for me to finish up on my decorating. I was up in the night worrying about getting my tree done, so I've spent all morning trying to finish it. I'm just not motivated to do it anymore, I can see now why my sister doesn't even have a tree because it's so much work. I've gotten my shopping done for one of the families and am hoping to get the other three done this week. It has finally cooled down a little and it was 40 degrees when we left for church yesterday morning. First time I've had a sweater on in a long, long time. In one of our classes the lesson was titled, "Of You It Is Required to Forgive." I thought this is a lesson I really can relate to because some of us Greers, me, have a hard time with this concept. One paragraph in the lesson says, "We will be in this world only a short time. The youngest and strongest of us are simply preparing for the other life, and before we get into the glory of our Father and enjoy the blessings that we hope to receive through faithfulness, we will have to live the laws of patience, and exercise forgiveness toward those who trespass against us, and remove from our hearts all feelings of hatred toward them. Rich has told me time and time again that I need to forgive others. I feel that is a spiritual gift that some of us are born with. I must have missed that line in Heaven when they were handing out that gift. Maybe that is why I am in this place at this time to learn how to forgive and try not to offend others who I will need to ask for them to forgive me. Anyway, life is moving along and Christmas will be over soon and I can get back to normal, but what is normal?

Character, Relationships and Covenants

I'm still trying to get my house decorated for Christmas. I've been to Hobby Lobby three times so far this week and to JoAnn's and Michaels too. We almost have the front finished but I had to go pick up two more strings of lights before we can be up and running. We should be finished in time to take them down the day after Christmas. Last Sunday in one of the classes, we were studying the chapter Mormon in the scriptures. The teacher made a comment about something that was said by Elder Holland at her uncle's funeral. He said that there are only three things we take with us when we leave this earth. They are our character, our relationships, and our convenants. I have been thinking a lot about that all week. Where am I on the scale with those three things? There was one verse in Mormon 8:39 which says, "Why do ye adorn yourselves with that which hath no life, and yet suffer the hungry, and the needy, and the naked, and the sick and the afflicted to pass by you, and notice them not?" Am I going by everyday thinking about myself and building up things that have "no life?" Hopefully I can do better and be more aware of those around me who are sick, afflicted, needy and reach out to them, and stop worrying about my petty little problems.

Decorating for Christmas

                    The wild kids in front of the tree

          Dally Dog was sick so he slept the whole party

                       Trulie with a Santa hat

              Reagan eating her cupcake

Reagans Quilt

I worked all last week trying to get my Christmas decorations up. Rich worked putting the lights on our house on Saturday. I helped a little bit, but don't dare get up on the roof or a ladder. Last night as we were sitting in the dark in our family room watching t.v. I thought, "why are we killing ourselves to decorate this house when we sit here in the dark?" I felt overwhelmed and discouraged yesterday when I got up. I wondered where to start. What is the most important thing to do right now? Rich mentioned the other night as he was putting our tree together that it seemed like we just did this. Is that a sign of "old age" when it seems like groundhog day everyday? The weeks are going by faster and faster and there are so many things I want to do but feel like I'm running out of time. Sunday we went out to Ethan and Jenn's to celebrate Reagan's first birthday. The house was decorated so cute and the food so yummy. It's always fun when the kids and grand kids get together. We miss Spencer and Annie who are so far away in Boston but hope they will be home soon. I have three quilts I need to get done by Christmas, with a waiting list for after the holidays. When I get sad I just go in my sewing room and start a quilt, it seems to be therapy for me, trying to create something with fabric. I wonder what others do that helps them cope with the stresses of their lives. I do love this time of year where the music and lights are everywhere, I know it will be over faster than ever and I will be putting everything away and wondering why I do this.