Not That Crazy About Halloween

I just can't believe that Halloween is in two days. It seems like October has just flown by and in a few weeks it will be Thanksgiving. I haven't ever been a big fan of Halloween. I think because I'm not very creative it is really frustrating to dress up and try and pretend to be someone or something I'm not. I know some people really get into it and I'm amazed at the darling costumes they come up with, but that isn't me. This year we are having a Trunk or Treat at the church. Because I'm on the Activities Committee I have a few assignments for this wonderful event. I don't even know if I will be able to go because I think there will be a lot of walking involved plus I will need a comfortable chair to sit in. This is the dilemma, try and go and maybe be miserable, or stay home by myself and for sure be miserable. HUH!I got a call from Spencer this afternoon. He was on his way to the airport because the Broncos are flying to London for a game Sunday against the 49 ers. He sounded really tired and said he needed to sleep during the nine hour flight because when they get there tomorrow morning they have a practice. I have a fear of flying so knowing that my son is going to be on a airplane for nine hours is disturbing, all I can do is pray for him. One thing good about it is that next week is their bye week. He said something about maybe coming home next week so that will be so fun. I haven't even seen the baby yet so I'm hoping and praying we get visitors soon. Maybe we will even be able to have a family picture taken. Life is getting better everyday. I need to be better about seeing all the tender mercies that come my way, hopefully I can get better at that.

Ventruing Out is Scary!

Last week I started going to physical therapy to help me gain strength in my muscles that will help me walk without pain or a limp. The first and second times I went were a good experience but on Monday it was rough. I guess Monday is a big day and the place was super crowded. There were about ten people in the gym and at least ten or fifteen in the pool. Also the therapist in the pool was a stranger to me. He was nice, but I didn't know him at all. So yesterday I was having a hard time convincing myself to go back. As we were driving to the place I was complaining about having anxiety around all those people. I think Mindi had gotten tired of my story and started lecturing me how I "need to do these things that are hard for me or I will never get well." By the time we got there I was the first one in the gym. Nobody else was there but by then I was so emotional I started crying. I told my therapist how hard this is for me to come in and work my sore muscles while worrying about all the people around me. All he said was that having a hip replacement is a very hard thing, but I am really close to being able to walk on my own. So I went out into the pool and exercised for about thirty minutes. When I'm in the pool it is so easy to move. I walk forwards, backwards and then sideways. Then I do other exercises to loosen up all those muscles that the doctor had to cut through to put in the new hip. The problem is that when I get out of the water and on my own legs it is so discouraging to not feel as good as I do in the pool. Anyway, not only do I have physical limitations, I have very complicated psychological issues also. It sucks sometimes to be me.
Mindi is going crazy with all she has to do with Halloween, four kids in school, volleyball, football, and she is an advisor in Young Women's. Today she needed to run a bunch of errands and so I rode along in the car to watch Troy when he fell asleep. We finished all our errands and were on our way home when we saw an accident happen right in front of us. I was talking to my sister on the phone and looking down so I really didn't see what happened but I heard a huge crash and then a little grey car came spinning towards us and then across the road. It didn't look like the guy was hurt and we didn't really see the wreck good enough to be witnesses so we just came on home. I have spent six weeks basically in my house trying to survive and now that I'm venturing out into the world again it is scary for me. Now I need to start all over again trying to overcome the demons that I have been fighting for over twenty years. Oh well, let the games begin!

Panic Attack Going To The Primary Program

I can slowly feel a change in my body and mind. Tomorrow will be six weeks since my surgery and from everything I've read that is when things start getting better. I went to church yesterday and it was good to get up shower, put makeup on and dress in something besides shorts and a t-shirt. I have been working with a physical therapist for three sessions now and he really wanted me to stop using the walker and instead use a cane. So yesterday Rich made me take my cane to church. I'm not that comfortable with it and it takes a lot more concentration and stamina than my walker. As we pulled up to church there wasn't anywhere to park because it was the Primary Program. All the grandparents were there to watch the kiddos sing and say a one sentence line. Rich pulled up to the entrance to the church and let me out. As he drove away to park I started having a panic attack. I think it was because I was so vulnerable standing on the sidewalk with a cane with people coming inside. As the panic set in I decided that I needed to find somewhere to go that I could lean up against a tree, a building, anything. I started to freak out and all I could do was start sprinting towards the door. I still don't know how I got the door opened and sitting on the couch. My heart was racing and my hands were sweating, I was just about to start crying. A sister in my ward walked up to me to say hi and I grabbed her hand and asked her to please stay with me until Rich got there. She was so nice and was trying to tell me that she gets nervous too. Panic is not nerves it is terror. It is easy to stay home in a safe environment with my family, but to put me out into a social situation by myself is pure hell. Today when I went in to therapy it was the same thing. There are people there that I don't know, strangers that are in worse shape than I am. I'm trying to keep it together but it is so hard for me. After I did my exercises on land they had me go to the pool. There again about ten people in the pool that I don't know anything about. The guy going in before me had to be helped down the stairs by two people because he was coming out of a wheelchair. I later found out that he had the same surgery I had but with some terrible complications. I think he said that he had to have seven operations on his hip. As he was talking to me about his problems I could feel the anxiety starting to build. All I could say was, "I'm so sorry you have had such a hard time." Then I started to say a little prayer asking that my trial not go in that direction. No matter where I look there is someone in worse shape than I am. At times it is easy to feel sorry for myself and wonder why I have been dealt these cards to play. If it makes me a more compassionate person and more like the Savior then it will be worth it, if not then the suffering has all been in vain.

"You Can Heal Your Life"

I have been so disappointed at the slow rate of my recovery from this surgery that I decided to finally call my home teacher and ask for some help. He is a physical therapist and told me that after my staples came out to call him. I finally got up enough nerve and he was so kind to get me in yesterday. He did some stretching exercises with me and then had me practice walking. Then I got to go into the pool. The water was so warm and it felt so good to be moving and walking. That is one thing I have really missed since my surgery, the long hot soaks in the bath to relieve the pain. I went back today for some more (torture), I mean therapy. He did some more stretching and walking. I was in an area with exercise equipment and computers. The people just kept coming in. I guess there are lots of people who are struggling with some sort of problem. Most of them are way older than me, but I kind of got a glimpse of what life may end up being if I don't make some changes. At times I have been so caught up in the dark part of my mind that I didn't realize just how many people are suffering with their own personal hell. A lot of recovery is having faith that I will actually be able to walk again. When I use my walker or a cane I can do pretty good, but when I don't have that security I go right back to my limping. My new strong hip should be able to do anything but my brain still thinks I'm crippled. How can I reprogram my thoughts to trust in my ability to walk? I'm reading a book called "You Can Heal Your Life." A lot of it is about saying affirmations to change your thought patterns. Boy do I have a long way to go on that one. She said something really interesting, that by the time we are three years old our thoughts about our self are already formed. That's pretty scary to think that at that young age we have already decided what we think about ourselves. No wonder I'm so messed up. Anyway, hopefully by next week I will be able to "lose the walker" but I guess I will be healed when my body thinks I'm ready. I will just have to be grateful for any progress I make, I have no other choice at this time.

No Success can Compensate for Failure in the Home

Yesterday Mindi watched Brookie and Max so Jenn could take a class and renew her hair license. I was feeding Max a bottle while Brookie was watching Dora the Explorer. We were having fun helping Dora find the sticky tape to help the elephant fix the hole in his balloon. Brookie walked over to look at Mindi's fish in her aquarium and as she turned back around and smiled I swear I was looking at Kamber. My mind went back into time and I started thinking about how old Kamber was when she went back to Heaven. I think Brookie is just about the same age now. Brookie was only three months old when the accident happened and as I thought about all that has happened in the two plus years it made me realize how far I have come in the grieving process. The final stage of grief is acceptance, there was a time that I never felt like I could forgive God for taking her home, but it is slowly coming thank heavens.

I have been struggling really bad with the emotional ups and downs of having major joint replacement surgery. There is a grieving process I have been going through also with the loss of a body part and a prosthetic put in. It has made me doubt my decision on many occasions plus it has put me into a hell that I hope will someday end. It is hard to depend on others for your daily needs and at times I have felt that I have been let down. I'm sure it's all in my head, but it is real to me. As I went to bed the other night after an extremely stressful day I was pondering my life and how I could improve it. When I woke up in the morning I kept hearing this saying going through my mind. It was a quote from David O. McKay and it mainly is about being a good parent. In it he says, "There is nothing more important than doing our part in helping our Father in Heaven's children return to His arms. No amount of money can be made; no amount of corporations can be taken over; and no amount of friends, fame and power will compensate if the children within your home are not raised in righteousness. For if you have failed at home you have failed eternally." Wow! That pretty much says it all, you can do all kinds of wonderful things out in the world, but if you fail in your own family you have failed eternally. That is pretty scary for me, I hope my children will make sure that they make their children and family their number one priority. It would be sad if in the end they fail eternally.

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1.02.28

"Just Another Day In Paradise"

I had a dear Aunt who passed away in the year 2000 from a botched heart valve surgery. She had kind of a hard life with some extremely difficult trials. She was always one of my "heroes" while I was growing up. When I would ask her how she was doing she would always say,"I'm up and taking nourishment so it's a good day." My Mom is another one of my heroes, she calls me every morning to find out how my night went and what I have to do during the day. When I ask her why she's so happy she says, "well, I made it through another night," and then she laughs. I'm not a morning person, I never have been so that has caused some problems being married to a "rise and shine, get up and get going" kind of guy. This morning when I got up Rich had already been up since 4:00 a.m. and worked out. We were passing by each other in the bathroom and I said, "just another day in paradise." Now anyone who knows me well will hear a little sarcastic ring to that statement. When I was in the shower just now, yes it is 4:00 p.m. and I decided I could take a shower by myself and get dressed without any help. As I was thinking about my comment "another day in paradise" I realized that compared to a lot of the world I do live in paradise. I have had another hard week. I had NO idea that this surgery would take such a toll on me physically, mentally, spiritually and psychologically. I don't know why I thought I would come out of surgery and be walking on my own within a few days. I became so discouraged this week that I thought my parents were going to give up on me. They came over yesterday to help and as I was talking to my Dad about how I was feeling he explained to me that I will never be the same as I was before the surgery. The main reason I went through with the surgery was to relieve the pain I was suffering from. I may still walk with a limp and there may be things that I just can not ever do again. I may be using a walker for another month, or a cane for the rest of my life, but if most of my pain is gone my surgery will be a success. He also reminded me of the importance of praying and asking for help, that I can cope with the feelings I am having. My Dad is another one of my heroes. He keeps reminding me of the important things in life. I hope they know how much I appreciate all they have done for me in my life. So I will continue to work hard each day to realize how much progress I am making and continue living my life in paradise.

You Have to Love PMS and Anxiety

Being home bound and "out of commission" has given me a huge amount of time to think. Usually thinking is worrying, so I guess you could say I've done a lot of worrying the last few months. I think all of us have some things about us that we hate. When I was a teenager and young woman I had terrible PMS. Every month I would go through the same cycle. Feel okay for about three weeks until all Hell would break loose and I would want a divorce, adopt out my children, move to Utah or anywhere it wasn't 120 degrees and dig a hole in the backyard and crawl in it. I went to every doctor I could to find help, I even went to the Mayo Clinic thinking they had the magic answer. Anyway, I suffered with that until I finally had a hysterectomy in 2005. That solved some of my problems but created new ones. Another part of my life I absolutely despise is the anxiety I suffer from. I remember always being kind of shy and quiet until I got to know people, then I would become almost obnoxious. After having a string of stressful events, I suffered a mental breakdown of sorts that has altered my life to where I am today. In some ways it has made me a more spiritual person because I have had to beg my Heavenly Father for help on many many occasions. People who have never had a panic attack or anxiety can not relate, but those who have understand the terror of it all. For the last couple of days I have been watching the rescue of the thirty three miners in Chile. I have been really interested in them because Spencer served his mission in Osorno Chile. When I look at those darling little people my heart melts for them. Anyway, when I went to bed last night they had pulled three of them out of the mine. They continue today working hard to get them all out. I find myself holding my breath and clinching my jaw while watching them. How hard would it be to be down in a mine for sixty nine days? I am so claustrophobic I won't even do an MRI so I can't imagine what those guys have gone through. It also makes me realize that we have no control over what happens to us as far as trials. Why were these miners saved? Why are there accidents where innocent children die but these miners were saved?
Last week at the doctor he told me to "lose the walker." I have been so discouraged that I can't seem to be able to walk without help. I was talking to my Dad today about it and how hard it is to still need help to walk. He asked me if I had been praying to my Heavenly Father and asking him for help? Do I have faith that the surgeon did a good job and that I will be healed? Am I doing everything I can to help with the healing process? Anyway, I know that the time will come when I will be thankful for the opportunity I had to walk down the road I'm on. I have so many blessings most of them I do not deserve. One thing I know for sure I am so glad I'm not down in that mine waiting to be pulled up to the freedom that I enjoy everyday.

Hoping for a Better Day

We had a really busy weekend so today I'm paying for it big time. On Saturday we attended Kylie's baptism and baby Max's blessing. It was a nice day outside and we went over to Ethan and Jenn's for a luncheon. It was the first time I have been dressed up since my surgery. It was only the third time I had even had a bra on. Then yesterday I got up and went to church. I made it through most of the meeting until my hip started talking to me and I had to have Dave bring me home. It was also Trent's birthday so Mindi had a little family party for him last night.
This morning my parents came over to help me get my laundry and dishes done. As I was doing my exercises with my Dad I began to cry. I told him how much I underestimated the amount of time it would take to get "back to normal." I'm wondering now if I will ever be able to go do the things that I did before my poor little hip gave out. At times I get so discouraged because I'm afraid my trips to the mall might be over. I know Mindi is getting tired of feeding the animals by herself and doing all the cooking and shopping. I don't blame her, it is overwhelming for sure.
As I try and walk without my walker I think of all those who have been injured that have to work so hard to walk again. I have always been a strong athletic person but this has kicked my butt, at times I feel like I'm making progress and then at other times I feel so weak and helpless.
Mindi came in this morning and told me that the dogs had dug into the cage and killed my baby rabbit. That has kind of ruined the day for me. If I don't have the dogs here the coyotes jump the fence and kill my chickens, but if I have the dogs here they kill anything that gets out. I don't have an answer for that problem yet, I guess it is to get rid of everything.
Tomorrow is exactly four weeks since my surgery. Hopefully it will be a better day for all of us.

Appreciate The Simple Things

There is nothing more humbling than going to an orthopedic surgeon's office for an appointment.
Yesterday was the big day for me. It was the day I was to get the staples taken out of my hip. I was a little bit anxious all day because my hip had hurt and ached and I was afraid that maybe something was wrong. I never seem to have the faith to know that "all is well," and that frustrates me. When I got there the waiting room was packed with patients. There was an older woman who was taken in by her husband in a wheelchair with a bandaged arm. As we held the door opened for them I looked down at her legs and they were covered with big purple sores. There were several others with obvious leg problems and I was just happy they took me back soon after getting there. They had me go in to get an x-ray to make sure the hip is healing right. After that I went in to the room to wait for the doctor. After just a few minutes he came in. The nurse had brought in the instrument to take out my staples so I was getting more excited by the minute. He finally came in and gave me a little explanation about how sometimes they have to leave some of the staples in. Anyone who knows me can guess what I said to him. It was something like "oh he&$ no." I don't care what they look like if they split open, bleed, or whatever they ALL have to come out now! He proceeded to take them out and it hurt like heck but I wasn't going to complain too much. On a couple of them it brought tears to my eyes and I would have said some bad words but my elderly parents were there for moral support and I didn't think they would appreciate it. After he got them all out he put band aids on my incision and told me to keep it dry and that hopefully I wouldn't be back for them to put the staples back in. I told him they will never know if they do split open, I will deal with it myself.
When the nurse came in I told her how hard this has been for me. I feel like I should be walking on my own without a walker. She explained to me that hip replacement is a HUGE surgery and that my body will heal as fast as it can and to not get discouraged. Our bodies are all different and I will get back to normal soon. It is interesting how you don't appreciate the simple things like being able to make my own bed, do my dishes, carry laundry into the laundry room, walk out to feed my animals. All those things that seemed so boring and monotonous are really blessings in our lives. Not being able to get your own food and carry it to the table is so hard.
I'm thankful that I'm three weeks down the road to recovery, I won't take my mundane life for granted anymore. Hopefully I will be able to serve those who need a helping hand and thank the Lord everyday for my boring uneventful life.

22 Hours and Counting

I have less than 24 hours before my 27 staples come out of my backside. I have tried everything I could to convince my doctor to take them out early but now I think I can cope with it until my appointment tomorrow. I am hoping that Mindi and I can go to Aloha Kitchen for lunch before my appointment to celebrate this wondrous occasion.
It has been cloudy and rainy for the last two days. It is a welcome relief from the scorching temperatures we have been having here in the desert. I love the smell of the desert after it rains, it smells so clean. I hope the rabbits, chickens and tortoises are okay, it really came down hard, I could barely see across the street.
These last few weeks I have basically gone from my bed to the bathroom, to the chair in my family room, down the long hall to sit on Mindi's chair at her house, (for a change of scenery), then back to my bed. I have missed out on Tristyn's first junior high volleyball game and also all of Trace, Trent and Major's football games so far. I am hoping that before their seasons are over I will be able to at least attend one of their games.
I have had lots of time to reflect while being "out of commission." I would have done anything to not have had to go through this surgery. If there was any way that my hip would have healed on its own I would have done it. I feel so very fortunate to live in this time where the technology has come along to help those like me who are faced with life in a wheelchair and pain or hopefully mobility and being pain free. That is my hope for the future. I have great compassion for those who have to use a walker or wheelchair to get around. It takes up so much energy pushing those things around. Not to mention the sore arms and hands. Going through this experience has also opened up my eyes to the goodness of people. I know there are people who are lonely and housebound like I am who need a visit, a kind act of service, a helping hand. My parents have been over several times a week to help me do laundry and dishes, my Dad would go out and water my plants. He would also make sure I was doing my rehab exercises and would hold my hand as we walked up and down my house to practice walking while using my cane. My Mom who is soon to be 81 stood and ironed all of Rich's shirts yesterday. I know she doesn't feel that well but her life has been an example of service to all of her family. Mindi has been an angel. I will never be able to repay her for all she has done for me. She is such a good example of charity, there aren't many daughters who would do what she has done for me. I know it has been extremely hard taking care of her own family plus adding all my needs to her busy schedule, I hope she knows how much I appreciate her. Hopefully after my recovery I will be able to render service when needed to those who are going through their own trials. That is my prayer.

Coming Out of the Darkness

On Tuesday it will be three weeks since I headed down the road of replacement surgery. I have to admit that it was harder than I thought it would be. I knew it would be demanding physically, but I had NO idea how hard it would be psychologically. Yesterday I was in the depths of despair. I felt cold and was afraid that maybe I was getting sick. How can you be cold when it's 107 degrees outside? Anyway, Mindi kept taking my temperature because I really thought I was running a fever and one of the complications of surgery is to get an infection or blood clot so of course I thought that was happening to me. Candi called and wanted me to go to her shop and let her do my hair thinking that would pull me out of the hell I was in. Unless you have been through what I have been through it is hard to understand my mental state. I'm feeling better today and hopefully I can deal with these staples until Wed. when they will take them out.

Spencer's little boys came over this week. It was fun to see them again. They have been here with their other Grandma while Annie is taking care of the baby in Colorado. The boys went home to Colorado yesterday. They had a good time playing with Troy. Tyton and Troy get along really well and are good friends. I regret that I haven't been able to help Spencer and Annie as they have been going through their own Hell. We continue to pray for baby Abney and have faith that she will recover fully from this illness.

Yesterday was Troy's birthday and he turned four. He is so much fun and has such a cute personality. Mindi had a little party for him after pre school and Candi and Jenn brought over their kids to have pizza, cake and ice cream. A couple of my friends came over last night to keep me company, they know I'm a little bit crazy and alone. Marlene fixed me some scrambled eggs and toast and was so kind. Paula layed on my bed and watched a football game with me and we talked about life. Her oldest son was killed in a motorcycle accident three years ago so she understands my feelings about losing Kamber.Three more friends have shown up today bringing brownies, chocolates and little gifts. I do not deserve the kindnesses that have been showered down on me. I am forever grateful for the many prayers that have been given in my behalf and for the many acts of kindness given, I will be forever grateful.

After listening to Conference today I know that I need to improve in so many areas of my life. I need to have faith that my Heavenly Father knows me, loves me, and wants what is best for me. At times I am so caught up in my grief and trials that I can't see past the darkness. I guess it is time to move out of the darkness and into the light, starting with gratitude. Life is hard, but I don't want anyone else's problems, I will just keep my own and hopefully be a better person by overcoming them.