Joy In The Journey?

I woke up this morning at four with a bad headache. By the time I got a Tylenol and went back to sleep it was after six. I slept really good but when I got up it was after 8:00, my cleaning girl had come and gone because my front door was still locked. I decided I could do it alone and started feeding animals and tried to get my house decorated for Christmas. I would clean as I went along. I do this every year, say "next year I'm not going to put that huge wreath up," "I'm not going to put the swags around the entry way." Well, I did it again, proved that I like to inflict pain on myself. Rich went to work to clean up a job site, so that left me on my own again. All I wanted were the Christmas lights up on my house. Dave started to do it and it began to rain, then he couldn't find any of the lights that actually work, so again no lights. As the day progressed I seemed to become more angry. I bought a little tree to put some purple ornaments on for Kamber. Then I put the crystal ornaments on my little tree in the entry. It seemed like everywhere I looked there were memories of Kamber. I walk outside the front door and there are the purple flowers Rich planted in Kamber's section. The picture hanging on the inside of my door, which is the last family picture that she's in, I will never take it down. Rich got home just in time to hang my wreath, listen to me complain and then off he went to a Stake Conference meeting. Life seems so busy and complicated sometimes I'm ready to throw in the towel. Am I ever going to find peace and joy in this journey I'm on? Maybe I'm focusing on the wrong things. Maybe I'm just tired of being mortal.

It's Beginning To Look Like Christmas

It's beginning to look and feel like Christmas around here. The temps are down in the sixties with a winter storm moving through. I've had my tree up for a week now but haven't put a single ornament on it. It seems like a mood thing for me and I'm trying to get "in the mood." When I was a kid it seemed like forever between Christmas and my birthday, now it seems like we just put all the decorations away and here we go again. There were a couple of boxes that never even made it out of my "stack all" room. My doctor called last week to say all the blood tests were normal. That means I'm not rejecting the metal part of the hip. That's good news, but now I need to find something else to solve my problem. I'm trying to make some lifestyle changes that are really hard for me to do. I know that I have medicated myself with the finer things in life like chocolate, pizza, cheeseburgers, soda and many other unhealthy things. I was told as a young child that my Dad would rather bury me than have me in a bar or drink alcohol. That's what you get when your grandparents were alcoholics. So even though I would never drink alcohol or take drugs I will kill myself with food. So I'm joining a few other family members who are having our own "Biggest Loser" contest and hopefully it will help with my pain. I have noticed that since I've been trying to change some of my eating I'm way more emotional. This is really hard but necessary for my health so I must "gird up my loins, fresh courage take." I think I can do hard things but no comfort food is torture. Hopefully some day I will feel good again and be able to be out of pain and hopefully do things I haven't done in a very long time.

Number Sixteen Is Here

Yesterday morning at around 7 a.m. the phone rang. My heart sinks every time we get a call either late at night or early morning. It was Ethan telling us they were on their way to the hospital to start the process of delivering our sixteenth grandchild, Reagan. Rich had to leave for a meeting so I was by myself listening to church music and praying that all would go well with Jenn. There is something about the birth process that brings you to your knees. I don't know what song it was but it really touched me and the tears started to flow. I was wondering if this baby, that is about to be born, knows her other sister who went to heaven three plus years ago. I believe that we lived in heaven with other spirits waiting to come to earth to get a body, but I don't know if those spirits that have died mingle with those waiting to come. Jenn is a pro at this as she's had six babies in ten years. We are so proud that she and Ethan are willing to take on this task of raising these special children. I have spent the last two weeks working on quilts for this baby. Jenn said she wanted an animal print but I had a hard time finding animal prints for babies. I think they turned out cute. We may be getting to the end of our posterity. The kids are figuring it out, but we are still hoping for a few more from a couple of them.

Moving On To Christmas

We had a nice Thanksgiving with about fifty people at our house. This was the ON year for the Greer family but with Lennie on a mission and some of the older grand children now hosting their in-laws we didn't have that many, which is probably good. I realized that I'm not getting any younger as I spent all day yesterday in bed sick from something, stress, too much food, or just plain old tired. I'm feeling a little bit better today but when I look at all that is ahead of me I want to just go back to bed. I want to get my tree up and the lights on our house done because last year it seemed like Christmas came so fast we never really got finished decorating. I have also decided to have a more simple decore, I just don't have the desire to do what it takes, hopefully less will be okay. Tomorrow our 16th grandchild will be born, if all goes well with the scheduling at the hospital. I have been busy finishing her quilt and shopping, which I love to do. There is just something special about a newborn. When I think of Ethan and Jenn being the parents of six kids I can't believe it. I hope they are up for the challenge. As I look back on my life I am just thankful that my kids are healthy and productive members of society. At one time, when they were all teenagers I had my doubts but I'm so thankful for each of them. It's weird because my Mom used to tell me all the time how thankful she was for her children. When I was raising my kids I was happy to make it to another day without driving my car over a cliff. Now that I'm hitting the golden years I can see what my Mom was saying. The only thing we really have and can depend on is the love of our family.

Thankful

These last few days have been busy, we've been trying to get the house clean and food ready for our Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. At times I feel overwhelmed with all that is going on. Today Mindi and I ran a bunch of errands. We needed to hit some stores because I NEVER shop on Black Friday because of the crowds. Lately I've felt more emotional than I usually am, sometimes I just have to ask myself, "what is wrong with you?" I have so many conflicting feelings about so many things I'm making myself crazy. As I was visiting teaching on Monday we were talking about receiving revelation, and what we need to do to get personal revelation. The main thing is to live the commandments so we can be worthy for the blessings and answers to problems in our lives. As we were driving from store to store I kept thinking about some things that are bothering me right now. In the news lately there have been lots of reports of child abuse and parents who take the lives of their own children. Just this morning as I got on the internet I read several articles all over the country where mothers and fathers have done the unthinkable to their children. Who are these people and why do they even have children? Anyway, as I was watching t.v. tonight there was a "breaking news" story of a plane that crashed into the Superstition Mountains just east of us. This doesn't help with my fear of flying. As the night progressed they kept getting new information about the crash site and finally said there were six people who lost their lives, three young children. They had flown up from Safford to get the kids and take them back for Thanksgiving. How tragic to have this happen at this time, or any time. I feel so bad for the families of these people, I know what an awful experience it is as my Uncle Kenneth was killed when his plane hit a mountain and all those aboard were killed. That happened about fifty years ago and my Mom still tells me how hard it was for the family. As I was feeling sorry for myself today, wondering what I can do to help myself, I realized that even though I have some challenges, I have lots more to be grateful for than most people. So tomorrow I am really going to try and relish the time I have with the fifty or so people who want to come to my house and share our food. I never want to take for granted the relationships I have with others, you never know when one of them will be taken from you.

Mom's 82 Now

Yesterday was my Moms 82nd birthday. We were trying to find a time to celebrate with everyone but because of some conflicts my sister and I decided to just go to Scottsdale and take her to lunch. Well, actually my Dad ended up treating us to Mexican food at Los Olivas. Talk about going back in time, that is what it's like to go back to downtown Scottsdale for me. I grew up in Scottsdale but left in the 70's to go to college and then get married. As we left the restaurant I noticed that we were right across from the hospital. As I walked across the street there was the Piper Cancer Center. I told my sister, "I hope I never have to go there." Then a little bit farther down there was the Stroke Center and next to it the words TRAUMA caught my eye. My mind went back to the day Kamber passed away and what trauma really means to each of us. After visiting with our parents and having a sliver of pie Mell had brought, we left their humble home and started back to Gilbert. As we got down to McDowell street I told my sister how different our family is now. We used to be able to take Mom out for dinner with all the siblings and have such a nice time. Now with Lennie serving as a Mission President and my other brother getting divorced, we have to go it alone. My sister even said, "we've really lost both of our brothers." It just isn't the same anymore, but I guess that's what life is all about, doing the best you can with what you have to work with. Mell and I have talked about this before, we are so lucky to have both of our parents still with us and that they are in as good of shape as can be expected in their 80's. They still live alone and take care of each other, even with the little health problems each of them have. My Dad talks about how he wants to live at least until my brother gets home from his mission, I hope it's a lot longer than that. This Thanksgiving will be another one where we will have all the family at our house but things have definately changed. We will have some dear members not with us, but life goes on and we will keep trying to do the best we can.

"It Just Isn't That Bad"

I woke up this morning in tears. I didn't sleep well worrying about struggles going on and I am just feeling tired. Tired of life as I know it. When I was young I thought "almost sixty" would be a piece of cake. My kids would be grown and gone, Rich and I would have enough money to travel and do what ever we wanted, and our health would be good enough to just enjoy life. I know I have so much to be thankful for and most of that I don't deserve, but life is hard for me right now. Rich promised me that when he quit his job and started his own business he would "be home more, and we would have way more money." I have even threatened to put it on his headstone when he leaves this earth, because anyone who owns their own business is married to it, especially construction. The kids never understood why we couldn't go on vacation but how can you say, "Mrs. Jones, I know your kitchen is torn to he#@ and you are doing dishes in the bathroom sink but we've decided to take the kids to Disneyland. It never happened. Anyway, after my pity party this morning I got up and decided to get some things done. Then my sister picked me up and took me to a doctors appointment. As we were driving down Lindsey we both notice the beautiful trees along the road with the prettiest fall leaves. This time of year is suppose to be reflective of all the things we are thankful for and all I'm seeing are the trials. Rich has to talk in church on Sunday. He brought some papers he had found in for me to read. I hate it when he does it, but I usually need the message. One of the little sayings was from Ralph Waldo Emerson who said, "A man's success is made up off progressive failures which he rises above, because he experiences and ventures every day. And the more falls he gets, the faster he moves on." We are all going to go through trials, the death of a loved one, illnesses, loss of jobs, and failure of our hopes and aspirations. That is Life! Now I need to figure out how to develop a habit of happiness. As Rich told me this morning, "it just isn't that bad."

People Watching At The Mall

I woke up early this morning and decided to get to work. I never sleep that good when Rich is away, even though I have the whole bed to myself and he's not there waking me up getting ready for work. As I fed the animals and got my house cleaned, Mindi asked if I was going to go with her. She needed a break from the kids, laundry, cleaning and just being a Mom. She was in desperate need of some retail therapy. So we took Miss Trulie and off we went to the Mall. I don't do that well with walking from store to store, so I sat with the baby in the car while Mindi hit a couple of baby stores. I entertained a four month old and people watched. After about an hour we decided to get out of the car and do some walking to a clothing store a little ways away. We got about ten things to try on and went into the dressing room. I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "I have NO business shopping for clothes looking like this, my hair looks terrible." Mindi found a couple of shirts but I decided that having three closets full of clothes were enough and we left. Mindi even asked me if I was okay because it's not like me to not buy something, especially when Rich is out of town. By this time it was about lunch time, so we decided to just get a pretzel, cheese and lemonade that was close to where we parked. We got our food and went to the car to eat. As we were sitting there, again watching all the people walk by, a girl came around the corner with a young boy going into the pretzel store. She was so pretty and looked so happy with a huge smile. She had a red blouse on with a blue purse hanging over her shoulder. The thing is, she didn't have any arms. Mindi turned to me and said, "How will she eat without any arms?" We sat there watching as she came out with the young boy holding his pretzel and drink. They turned the corner and walked up the sidewalk shopping. Then again Mindi said, "I guess it could be so much worse, but she looked way happier than I am right now." As I sat there thinking, looking at all those people some were skinny and cute, others cute and pudgy. I realized how much I compare myself to others. I saw couples holding hands shopping, I can't ever remember Rich and I holding hands strolling through the Mall together on a Saturday morning. It would never happen, trust me. I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself but do I really want to take Rich to the Mall? Not a chance, the only shopping he does is at Home Depot and sometimes Wal Mart. Anyway, after shopping I was in desperate need of a nap so I came home and went to bed while Mindi continued her shopping spree at Bashas' and now she's off to Hobby Lobby and somewhere else. I'm too old and tired to shop all day but I'm thankful I was able to feel gratitude for what I do have even if it's a husband who won't go to the Mall.

Veteran's Day 2011

Rich left this morning at 5 a.m. to go to Camp Lo Mia for stake youth conference. I hope he stays warm up in the mountains because he hates the cold. He has left us here to do irrigation and "hold the fort down", whatever that means. After he left I did three loads of laundry and made four batches of pomegranate jelly. I will be so glad when the juice is either frozen or given away. I love the smell of my house when I'm cooking with pomegranates, it reminds me of my Mom and special aunt who started the tradition of giving the bright red jelly to friends and neighbors for Christmas. It does make me really tired and my back starts to hurt, I need a nap. Yesterday I went to see my surgeon about the pain that continues to bother me in my hip. He is going to run some tests on my blood to see if maybe I'm allergic to the metal in the prosthesis and then we can make some decisions about what my options are. It's really confusing when all the x rays, bone scans and CAT scans show everything looking good, but basically it can all look good and still not be working right. It's frustrating, but I'm thankful to have a good doctor. As he was looking at my scans he found I also have arthritis in my back and an old rib injury. I don't remember ever hurting my rib, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. After my appointment we went to the Outlet Mall to shop with Spencer's money at the Reebok store. That is always fun but so tiring walking around trying to find sizes and colors. I was able to get some nice shoes for Rich and my Dad and some really cozy socks for me and my Mom. It's basically all workout clothes and a few jerseys and shirts, but not much Bronco stuff. Anyway, it really helps the girls get new shoes for all the kiddos. Today is Veteran's Day and I am so thankful for all those who are in the military and keep us safe. I had two uncles and a brother-in-law who were in the Air Force. One uncle was killed in a plane crash up by Flagstaff. The other did two tours as a navigator of B 52 bombers flying over Vietnam. Another uncle was in the army. I also have a cousin who served as a Special Op in the Marines who was airlifted into Afghanistan after 9-11. These guys are heroes to me and I hope they know how much I look up to them and appreciate their service.

Working on Charity and Courage

My life keeps rolling along. We had a good weekend with Trent's baptism and church. We now have five of our sixteen grandchildren who have been baptized. They are so special to us. All the kids and grand kids were there except Spencer and Annie in Colorado. Spencer played in Oakland on Sunday and the Broncos won, so that was fun. We have to tape the game and watch it after church. The game is usually over before we get through the first half, so we try not to find out the score until we see it for ourselves. This week during the third quarter we got a call from Annie saying Spencer got injured, but not seriously. He had an MRI on Monday and called to say there's nothing majorly wrong, so our prayers have been answered again. He should be able to practice and play this next game. My thoughts this week have been with my cousin's daughter who is 28 years old and fighting breast cancer. She got an infection from the surgery and was hospitalized last week with a high fever. She had surgery again on Mon. to remove the infection. The question I've asked a million times since Kamber passed away, WHY? We knew when we came here it was going to be hard and we would be asked to do things that were very unpleasant, but a young mother having to go through such a horrible illness shakes my soul. I hope that in the eternities we will be able to see how much our trials helped us become more like the Savior, but now it just makes me so sad to think of all the suffering that's going on in the world. I've been reading a Biography of President Monson's life, "To The Rescue." He is such an example of charity, Something I read yesterday really hit home with me. He said "Perhaps when we face our Maker, we will not be asked, 'How many positions did you hold,' but rather, 'How many people did you help?' One can never love the Lord until he serves Him by serving His people." Maybe this is the answer to my question "why" we need to have these trials, so that we can serve others and be served and hopefully some day have the pure love of Christ which is charity. I know I am a long way out there and charity doesn't come that naturally to me sometimes but I'm working on it. Tomorrow I go see the surgeon to see what he can do to help me. I don't know what I want to hear either way the news isn't going to be good. I had Rich and my Dad give me a blessing on Sat. while we were together, all I can remember is him giving me courage to do what it will take to be healed and out of pain. Hopefully that blessing will help me in the decisions I will have to make in the future, courage isn't one of the gifts I was born with, but something to work on in the future.

Thankful for Being a Mom and Grandma

I can't believe how the weeks are turning into months faster than I can keep up. Candi called me yesterday and asked about our plans for Thanksgiving. I told her I'm trying to get through the baptism and luncheon for Trent on Sat., then we will start thinking about Thanksgiving. This month will be crazy again. Besides turkey day, Jenn will probably have her baby and it's my Mom's 82nd birthday as well. This morning I woke up early and got going. My Mom came over to help me do some of my jelly and picked up some more juice to finish hers. Before she got here I put up all my Fall decorations and did some laundry. I started thinking about all the years I've been a stay at home Mom and now Grandma. Thirty-five years seems like a long time to be doing the same thing over and over. I was talking to someone the other day about how hard life is. How busy it is to have children and try and do your best to raise them. As we were talking, it came down that basically the more kids you have, the more crazy life becomes. I finally said, "I do have some regrets in my life, but I have never regretted having my children." They aren't perfect, but they are mine. I was asking Rich the other day if we could just close up the business, move into a one bedroom condo and rest for a while. Of course we can't, he loves his job, even though the economy has tanked, he still loves to work. I guess that's better than having a lazy husband. Yesterday we watched Brookie and Max while Jenn was at the doctor. It's so fun having these little people around. They say the funniest things. I'm so thankful that I was able to have children and that my kids have chosen to bring these little spirits into our family. I can't wait until little Reagan is born, life will just get a little busier and a lot more fun!

Turning Juice Into Jelly

I woke up this morning at 3:45 a.m. with such a severe pain in my leg I thought I was going to have to call 911 or go to the hospital. It felt like my whole leg was going to blow up. It's happened a couple of other times but never this bad. I finally got up took some pain reliever, put an ice pack on and tried to go back to sleep. That never really happened as I could hear a bunch of racket going on outside my bedroom, plus the stupid dogs were trying to get to the baby chickens. Oh the joy of running a small petting zoo. I decided to just get up and start making jelly out of the pomegranate juice we worked so hard for last week. I had just finished up my third batch when my Mom called for the second time, to check up on me before she's off to the Temple. My Mom and Dad are my biggest cheerleaders and even though they are in there 80's and I'm almost 60 I'm still their little girl. I know they have my back, NO matter what I'm going through. I was telling them that I just don't think I signed up for these trials. I said, "Oh yeh, send me down, I don't mind if I'm crippled and in constant pain. Let me suffer through the drowning death of my grandchild. Let me live through one disappointment after another, that's what I want." After I had my pity party my Dad said, "You know Teri, all these things you are talking about aren't going to mean a thing in the big scheme of things when you get to Heaven." By then I was telling him that I probably won't be there in Heaven but will be fine in Hell. I'll have lots of company there. Then they started reminding me of all the positives in my life. "Your four "darling" children and even "more darling" sixteen grandchildren. My beautiful home, my testimony, my temple recommend, my chickens," okay Dad you're stretching a little bit on that one. I guess I just don't remember when I was in Primary and Young Women's them teaching, "now brace yourself because you are about to go through some horrible trials before you can return home." Maybe if they would have told me I might have made some different decisions in my life. Anyway, it is what it is, and hopefully the sun will come up tomorrow so that I can spend the day making more jelly and maybe get some other chores done along the way. I guess I have heard something about "enduring to the end," maybe the end will come soon.

Roosters Gone, Pomegranates Juiced

This has been a crazy busy week that I'm glad is over. It all started on Monday when I got a call from an elderly man who wanted to come get my roosters. We have been trying to get rid of them for a while and about to lose hope, when he got my name from a note we left at the feed store. He came out and we filled two cages and a small box with chickens for him to take out to his 10 acres Chandler. I made him promise me and practically do a "pinky swear" that he wouldn't kill them and off he went. I was so relieved but at 4:00 a.m. the next morning, I have to admit, I kind of missed all the crowing. I think I'm over it now and hope we won't be back in the same boat when our thirty babies grow up. The rest of the week we spent picking, washing and juicing pomegranates. We usually don't do it until the first week in Nov. but because Trent's baptism is next Sat. we thought we would get an early start. I helped my sister pick some trees they found in downtown Mesa on Wed. and then had the boys help pick my eight trees out back. On Thurs. Mindi and I went to Lehi to pick my friends two trees and then two trees in our neighborhood. We were so dirty and tired I though I was going to expire. Yesterday the family came in shifts and we got all the fruit juiced and bottled, finishing at 5:30 p.m. This has become a tradition in our family that my dear Aunt Tenna started way back when. I think about her every year as we take on this project. As we were picking I had this feeling of admiration for her and a sense of fulfillment in the "law of the harvest" kind of way. As we were sitting around the table with four juicers going, I realized why my Dad loves to plant a big corn field and vegetable garden every summer in the White Mountains. There is a sense of accomplishment when we do hard things that others wouldn't think of doing. Anyway, I'm glad that's over, now I will spend this week making jelly and getting ready for Trent's luncheon after he gets baptized next week. I'm going crazy but wouldn't have it any other way.

"I Spit On Fair"

I have finally climbed out of the "toilet" for the thousandth time in my life. Why does life have to be so hard for me? Every time I go into one of these funks I try and promise myself that once I get out, I will never go there again, but just like everything else in my life I can't make any promises. I've been reflecting a lot lately on why life just doesn't seem fair. My brother, who is a mission president in Washington, told me once that in law school the professor used to say, "I spit on fair." I still don't know what that means but I guess that in this life nothing is fair. I was talking to a dear friend of mine this morning. She is such an inspiration to me. When we lived in Lehi she was so kind to me and would take me to Mayo Clinic when they were trying to diagnose me back in the 80's. She has had such a hard life. She has nine children, one was still born with some birth defects. One of her daughters was born with some complications and has cerebral palsy, she is thirty-one years old now. She also had a baby at almost forty seven that continues to be a trial as he has autism and at times gets violent and pulls her hair and slaps her. What an angel she is and how much I admire her. As I was listening to her and trying to be a support like, "I'd beat one of my kids if they ever slapped me or pulled my hair out," I asked her how she even gets through the day. She doesn't think she's doing such a good job, but I know she has to be a special person to survive what she's gone through. I keep hoping that a miracle will happen and my hip will heal without further surgery, but I'm also realistic with the fact that it's been over a year and if anything it's getting more painful. We all fought in Heaven for the chance to come to earth, get a body, and prove that we would return home worthy to live with our Heavenly Father. This is the "Plan of Happiness" but sometimes it just doesn't seem so "happy" to me. I need to put everything into perspective and see all the blessings I have. I know it could be so much worse, so I will carry on doing what I can to keep moving towards the light and hopefully stay out of the toilet for a while.

My Balloon Is Losing Air

These last couple of weeks have been very disappointing to me in many ways. I have been through some really hard things in my life and even though I get a glimmer of hope that things will change, it's always the same old story. I was talking to my sister the other day about some of my frustrations and she told me a little story she uses in her "addiction recovery" group she and her husband run. She talks about all of us who have great hopes about our lives when we are young. As we get married, have children, buy our first house, get job promotions on and on our balloons fill up with air and we are flying high. Then when the trials come, as we know they will, financial problems, miscarriages, health problems, grandchildren passing away, relationships going bad, on and on our balloon starts to loose air. She said, "Teri, by the time you get our age, our balloons are pretty flat." That is what I've been feeling for a while now. How can I get my balloon filled up and hopefully in the air again? My surgeon called me yesterday and gave me the results of my CAT scan. He said that this test didn't show any abnormalities in the hip, BUT it is NOT normal to still be having pain fourteen months out. There is a possibility that my bone didn't grow around the metal socket and so this might be the reason for all the pain. The only way to fix it is to have another surgery. This is one of those experiences that make your balloon go flat, going through hell and then having the chance you get to do it again. Oh well, I lived through it once before and if that is what needs to get me out of pain and walking better I may have to do it. It will be the last resort though. Hopefully the sun will come up tomorrow and I can get some air flowing in my big flat balloon.

Trulie's Blessing and Water Turtle Rescue

We finally had Trulie's baby blessing on Sunday. Dave did a nice job and it was fun having all my kids and grand kids there. With Dave's family from Willcox, we took up about five long rows in the back of the church. When you get that much family together it's hard being reverent, but we got through it. We also had two returned missionaries speak, so there were people sitting all the way back to the Primary room. We spent a lot of last week getting all the food ready and preparing but it never seems like we are ready for a crowd like that. Feeding sixty hungry people gets harder the older I get. On Sat. I started having a really sore throat and a cough, I'm just hoping it isn't strep. I have too much to do to be sick. This morning we got three hours of irrigation. We never know how much water we'll get. Sometimes it just barely gets up to the front of our property and then other times we are flooded out within the first hour. I have a little area between our two houses where I have two ponds full of water turtles and fish. As I walked down to Mindi's to take some of her stuff to give her I saw that the water kind of got away from us. The whole area was under water and the turtles and fish were swimming all over the ground. As I looked harder I could see some little green things floating. I called Mindi out and she went on a turtle rescue finding nineteen babies. Mindi said, "what in the heck are we going to do with all these turtles?" I started my little "turtle operation" by rescuing a female from a girl in my ward about ten years ago. I eventually had Rich build me a pond because a baby pool wasn't working so well with the dogs. Then anytime someone didn't want their turtle, it ended up in my pond. I think at last count I have nine adult red eared sliders and now twenty-one hatchlings. We have also had about twenty baby chicks hatched in the last two weeks and I'm still trying to find someone to take my fifteen roosters. I don't know why people don't want roosters, it's so fun when they start crowing at 4:00 a.m. ha ha! Anyway, I'm glad last week is over and hopefully I can get my house back together and work on a couple of quilts. As I was sitting in church listening to Dave give Trulie her blessing I wondered what it was like when I was blessed. I leaned over and asked my sister if we had any grandparents or great grandparents at our blessings. She didn't have an answer but Trulie had two grandmas and one grandpa and a set if great grandparents, not to mention all the aunts, uncles and cousins. Hopefully some day she will appreciate all those who love her and were there to see her given a name and a blessing.

Glad the CT Scan is Over!

Yesterday I went to have a CT scan of my hip to see if we can find what's causing my pain and make me walk like a penguin. I hate these tests because they bring up so much anxiety. I made the appointment at a time when I could take some medication to help with the symptoms and off I went into the room. The girl was young, cute, and really friendly. She had to tie my feet together pointed in for some reason, I guess to put the hip in a certain position. As she slid me into the tube and started the machine I started to have a little panic run through my body. All I could think to do was start singing Primary songs. I wasn't singing very loud but I started with "Heavenly Father, are you really there, and do you hear and answer every child's prayer?" I don't know if she heard me or not but she started talking to me and said, "we're almost done." It only took about five minutes and the rest of the time I just shut my eyes and started praying about someone in heaven watching over my kids and grand kids. On the way home I was talking to Mindi about my situation. I don't want them to find anything wrong because that means another surgery, but if they don't find anything wrong can I live like this for the rest of my life? Either way it isn't good. Life has a way of keeping me on my toes, and I'm not too fond of that.

A few months ago I had a friend ask me if I could help her make a quilt for her new grandson due this month. I decided to just make it without her, knowing how busy she is working two jobs and taking care of her elderly parents, not to mention serving in Young Womens. She came by last night and picked it up, she seemed to like it and hope it will be used in Washington.

We are busy trying to get houses and yards ready for Sunday when we have everyone over after Trulie's baby blessing. Mindi made me this cute wreath to put on my door, I couldn't do it without her, I'm just sorry that she has to be the one always in the middle of all the problems and trials. Hopefully she will be blessed for her efforts. I sure appreciate all her support.

Busy Weekend and More To Come

Alyssa and Ben coming out of the Temple.

All of those invited to the sealing.

My sister Mell.

Trenter the birthday boy.

Last weekend we had two weddings, and celebrated two birthdays. My niece Alyssa was married on Friday and then a dear friend of the family was married on Saturday. We celebrated my sister Mell's 60th birthday on Sat. evening because Trent's birthday is on the same day, Monday Oct. 10. and Mindi was having a party for him. When you throw in two receptions, fall break, church and a football game, my head is still spinning. When we came out of the Temple after the wedding it was so pretty, there was a cool breeze and some puffy clouds in the sky. We were surrounded by family, and now the new family. I took my camera so I could take some wonderful pictures of this glorious event. When I got home and put them on the computer something didn't look right. I couldn't find the pictures I had just uploaded from the camera. I asked Mindi for some help and found out I had taken videos instead of pictures. I shouldn't be allowed to use any thing that requires the use of technology, how hard is it to take a few pictures? I guess pretty hard if you don't know you are on the video setting of a camera. Life continues to be hard and painful for me and I'm still not sleeping well at night because of the pain. Tomorrow I'm scheduled for a CT scan of my hip so hopefully the doctor can help me. The older I get the more confused I get about why we need so many struggles, but I guess it can always get worse. This Sunday we will have the blessing of baby Trulie with a luncheon after church. Mindi and I are busy planning the food and trying to get the house clean and the outside work done, it never ends so I guess I need to just enjoy the journey.

Lemon Machine, Pain, and Panhandlers

About a year ago I was in a fabric store and decided to buy a new sewing machine. I had a couple of old ones but the new fancy one that does about 50 different stitches caught my eye. After a short demonstration I brought my machine home and was so excited to start sewing. Well it worked pretty good for a while but one day as I was sewing the binding on a quilt it made a loud scary noise and the bobbin pulled out of the machine. I took it in and got it serviced, luckily it was still under warranty. When I got it home I started quilting on it again and the same thing happened, the weird sound and then the bobbin lifting out of the machine. So off we went again to the store, this time I was pretty ticked off. I talked to the guy who sold it to me and he said he was going to send it to their Glendale store for repair and if it did it again I could get a new machine. So two days ago I was in my sewing room putting the binding on a quilt for Trace and that darn machine did the same thing, this time the needled fell out before it made the noise and damaged the bobbin case. Now I'm really upset. I take the machine in this time in hopes of getting a new machine. When I got their the guy who sold it to me is in California, so they took my machine and will have him call me when he gets back. I have been up almost all night the last three nights with severe hip pain. It was so bad last night I decided to call the doctor about another cortisone shot or something to relieve the pain. When he called me back he decided that I need to have a CT scan to see if the medal replacement is in right or if I just have bursitis. Now my day really isn't going that well, no sewing machine, possible revision surgery, I'm up to my eyeballs in weddings and receptions this weekend that I need to shop for. Mindi and I pulled into the QT to get some gas when a young girl stopped Mindi and asked for $10 to get to Queen Creek. She told her a sob story about her mother dying and she's here from Michigan and on and on. Mindi came to the car and told me about the girl that needed some money. I got in my purse and gave her the $10. After Mindi talked to her for about a minute she got in the car and said, "I don't buy it. Something isn't right here." We watched as the girl went to a car and talked to a couple of guys and then went into the store. As we drove off we both felt like we had been taken for ride and been told a big fat story in order for some guys to get this girl to panhandle for them.
As I was telling my Mom how disappointing of a day it has been for me, no new sewing machine, having to maybe go through another surgery, and being duped out of ten bucks, all she said was, "at least you did what the Savior would have you do and helped someone. What ever she did with the money is up to her, let it go." So I'm going to let it go and hope that someday I will be blessed for trying to help a stranger, now if I can just get my new machine and my hip to stop hurting that will truly be an answer to my prayers.

Could It Possibly Be Cooling Down?

Well it's finally happened, we got a weather cool down and a little rain too. Last night as I was out feeding animals the clouds were starting to build and I could see lightning in the distance. After a hellish September, breaking all kinds of high temperature records it's so nice to feel a cool breeze on my face. I have heard of people who get depressed because of no sunshine, is there a possibility there could be some sort of a syndrome for too much sunlight and 110 degree temps everyday? I need to check that out. Rich and the boys got back from Green Bay where they traveled to watch the Broncos get slaughtered by the Packers. I must admit that I'm a really sore loser and on the verge of not watching the games anymore. It really messes with my already not normal head. Spencer hasn't been on a winning team since his Sophomore year in high school. He never got to go to a bowl game while playing in college, and the Broncos haven't made it to the playoffs since he's been there the last three years. My Dad always told me, "show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser." Anyway there has to be a reason why, I just don't know the answer. I was up a lot in the night with severe pain again. I felt so good yesterday and spent the day doing chores and sewing on a baby quilt. I guess it's time for another cortisone shot, but do I really want to fill my body with all those medications? What's a girl to do, suffer? I have been reading "To The Rescue" the book about President Monson. He is such a wonderful person who tries to help whoever and whenever he can. He talked about attending the funeral of a dear friend of his. Elder Monson wrote "He taught me to appreciate my family as he appreciated his." His motto was, "A man has but three things, his God, his family, and his friends." That pretty much sums it up for me too. The older I get the more I realize that all this stuff we have, just doesn't really matter. What really matters is our relationships with God, our families and friends.

I Will Never Be the Same Person

The treat table

Me with the "Birthday Boy"

This weekend has gone by so fast. Between listening to Conference and celebrating Troy's fifth birthday it's been crazy. I love listening to the talks and music of conference. Sometimes I felt the tears run down my face as something would touch my spirit. I have also noticed that after conference is over I go into a kind of dark hole. It may just be because there is so much good information given that I'm trying hard to process it, or maybe that I have so much work to do that I feel overwhelmed. Life has been really hard for me for a very long time and it is easy to feel like giving up. I know that I've been blessed beyond what I deserve, but I still have some things that bother me and just won't go away. I'm not the same person I was three years ago when Kamber passed away. I have also struggled for the last year trying to get this new hip to work and be pain free. I feel like that is a losing battle also. We were reminded in some of the messages today that this mortal life is meant to be hard. We have to go through some really crappy stuff to prove to our Heavenly Father that we will be faithful and live the commandments. The message that I heard loud and clear today was that we MUST endure to the end, whatever that is. I also need to do a better job at forgiving others. I try to blame it on my Dad or the Greer's for being a grudge holder, but whoever is at fault, I need to do better. Mindi did such a good job making Troy's birthday fun. She did a Super Mario Brothers themed party. Her creative juices just flow and everything has to be perfect. She molded chocolates to look like mustaches and yellow stars. She then dipped little donut holes in green colored chocolate and put little white dots on them to look like toadstools. Between the red gum balls, marshmallows and pretzels the kids were pretty much "high" on sugar when they went home. I'm so glad those days are over for me, now I can just enjoy the grand kids birthdays without doing any of the work.

Max loving his green cupcake!

Holding "Miss Trulie"

Can't Wait for Conference and Birthdays

Mindi is going crazy because she has two birthdays soon. We have been running errands all day yesterday and today trying to put the finishing touches on supplies she needs for these parties. Yesterday we went down into the middle of Phoenix so she could pick up some special Mario Brothers cake decorating molds. On the way through downtown we had been talking about some of the challenges we have in our lives. While we were stopped at a light I saw a large girl walk across the street who looked disheveled and not dressed so well. As I looked the other direction I saw a guy in a wheelchair with only one leg pulling himself along, carrying his possessions on his lap. Mindi made the comment, "see Mom things could be worse." I felt ashamed of all the complaining I had been doing on our little road trip. As we left Phoenix we headed towards my parents home in Scottsdale. We decided to go by to see my Dad who stays home alone while my Mom still works in the Temple. As we drove through Scottsdale I had so many memories flood my mind. This is where I did my student teaching. This is where I went to grade school and high school. My Dad seemed to enjoy the visit and Mindi even helped him learn how to change the t.v. to the DVD player. My parents won't get a computer because they think they are "too dumb" to learn how to run one. Anyway, Rich left this morning at 4:45 a.m. to fly to Utah to attend his missionary reunion tomorrow and spend some time with his sister and her family. Then he's coming back to the airport on Sat. and meeting up with Dave and B.J. to go to Green Bay to watch Spencer play football. That means I have the bed all to myself, don't have to cook or clean and can spend all day tomorrow shopping at the mall. Then on Sat. and Sun. I can watch conference all by myself, I love the feeling I get listening to the speakers and the music. Oh I forgot I need to make some time for the birthday party on Sat., sounds like a busy weekend! Hopefully next week I will have some time to spend finishing some of my quilts, I have too many that need my attention, and that's where I go to find some peace.

Where are the Butterflies and Rainbows?

It seems like I'm still trying to get back to normal after my trip to Denver. Sitting in a car for four days and not sleeping very well in hotels listening to heavy breathing and snoring has taken a toll on me. I was one of the snorers, so I can't complain too much. Yesterday I ran some errands with Candi and when I got home Mindi had a stack of stuff to take to Goodwill. We would take it to DI but it is way far away and we didn't have the time. This morning Candi came over and did mine and Mindi's hair, it's so nice having a hairdresser in the family. After she left I got some of my ironing done but that is about all I accomplished today. It seems like I'm not that motivated to get the things done I need to, like putting up my Halloween decorations, finishing a quilt, and shopping for all the upcoming birthdays. Oh well, tomorrow is another day. Ethan and Jenn were on Sunday evenings Fox 10 news talking about Kambers Kaskets. They did such a good job, I was so proud of them. I think it might have triggered some old feelings of grief that I've been working on for the last three years. Sometimes I think my emotions are under control and then the sadness, despair, anger, depression and hopelessness creep in. It doesn't help that the hip pain has come back, I know the cortisone is only masking the damage of major surgery a year ago. As I was feeling a little down the other day I started thinking about what it would be like on the other side. I almost got a euphoric feeling thinking about how nice it would be to be totally 'Pain Free," both physically and mentally. As I was telling Rich about my experience he said something about "opposition in all things." It seems like the older we get the more opposition there is. We knew before we came it wasn't going to be all rainbows and butterflies but at some point I wish I could just have at least one of those. Who knows maybe I will see one soon.

Made It To The Temple With Alyssa

Brookie holding "Baby Trulie"

On Wed. my niece Alyssa went through the Temple in preparation to be married two weeks from today. My Mom had told me at least twenty times that she wanted me to TRY and go be a support for her so she would have some family members there. I have had some personal issues with going to the Temple and haven't attended since right after Kamber passed away, three and a half years ago. I hate being pressured to do something that might make me have a panic attack, so I've always just stayed home and felt left out. Well, Mindi and I were out running errands and we were talking about maybe seeing if we could make it to support Allyssa and keep my Mom happy. We hurried home, got ready and made it to the Session. I was surprised that I had done something so very hard for me to do. I know someone on the other side was helping me and I continued to tell myself that "I Can Do Hard Things," whenever the feelings of anxiety would hit. Yesterday Jenn had a doctors appointment and asked if we could watch Max and Brookie. We were getting irrigation so we were home hoping to not get flooded out. Brookie and Max were playing with toys in Mindi's family room. I asked Brookie how old she was. She kept telling me that she was two, even though she turned three in April. I kept telling her, "no you are three." After about three or four times she said, "I'm two and Kamber is five." How did she know that Kamber would be five years old? Anyway, I had to catch my breath and realize that she is aware of her sister and loves her. Today Kylie is nine, my grandchildren are getting so old and mature. Pretty soon I will hopefully be going to the Temple with them in preparation to getting married or going on missions. That will be a wonderful day for me!

"My Dark Cloud Is Still Hovering"

This morning Rich and I were in the kitchen together. I had been listening to him talk to someone on the phone and could tell it was bad news. An employee of his was having some complications after surgery. After we discussed what was going on he said, "you know, some people just have a dark cloud that follows them around." After that he was getting his lunch together and I had just finished feeding my pack of dogs. I went to the sink to wash my hands when he was saying there was something sticky on the floor. After 35 years of marriage I know that one of his biggest pet peeves is to stick to the floor. I hate it too, so as I reached for a rag in the sink I felt that not so pleasant sting of a scorpion. I didn't cuss, I just let Rich know that he needed to find it and kill it while I got some ice to put in the palm of my hand. I almost started laughing as we both talked about how I'm one of those people that has the "dark cloud hovering over me." I then said, "if there is a scorpion in this house he's going to find me." Yesterday I spent a few hours working on a quilt to put on our bed. It felt good just being alone in my sewing room creating something. I look around and see how creative those around me are and I feel inadequate. I wish I would have stuck with the piano lessons, gone to cosmetology school, done something other than spend six years in school before realizing I didn't want to be a teacher. I guess I need to be grateful that my parents wanted me to have an education and helped me get one. Life is short, I want to have peace in knowing that my Heavenly Father is aware of me and knows what is best for me. Now if I can just solve my scorpion problem I will be happy.

"God Watches Over Us"

Tristyn and Miranda Best Cousins

Linda and Her Girls

The Candy Bar

The Food Table

I woke up at 6:00 a.m. this morning with a bad pain in my hip and in other parts of my body. I guess my cortisone shot is starting to wear off which makes me sad. Sitting in a car for over thirty hours last week probably didn't do it any good, I'm too old for that trip. I was going to start getting my Fall decorations out but with the temps going up around 108 degrees this week, I decided to wait until it's closer to Oct. Besides that my big talking witch scares some of my grand kids. I'm so glad the bridal shower is over and want to thank all those who helped make it a success. It was a lot of work to make it nice and I couldn't have done it without the help of my Mom, sister, sister-in-law, daughters, daughter-in-laws, nieces and of course my friend and visiting teacher. I wasn't given the talent to put things together but I try hard to find those who can help do that and ask for help. It has been hard for me with the economy so bad try to be "of good cheer." This weekend Rich had to give a talk in church as part of his calling on the High Council. It makes me crazy when I know he is going to speak in church because it gives me anxiety, almost panic. He stays in his office for hours trying to read as much as he can and put his thoughts on paper. Yesterday the talk was centered on a talk given by Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Waiting on the Road to Damascus." One of my favorite quotes is by Spencer W. Kimball when he said: "God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other." We each have a covenant responsibility to be sensitive to the needs of others and serve as the Savior did-to reach out, bless and uplift those around us. Often the answer to our prayer does not come while we're on our knees but while we're on our feet serving the Lord and serving those around us." Sometimes it's hard for me to think of others when I'm so worried about my own problems, I need to do better. No matter how bad things get I know it can always be worse. The only thing to combat that is gratitude, which I have a problem showing. It sounds like I have a lot of work to do within myself and with those around me.

Catching Up!

I have spent the last three days catching up. Catching up on sleep, laundry, cleaning and reading. A week ago I left right after my nieces shower and traveled for five days going through three states. It was nice to get back to my own bed and the right time zone. I hate being where the time is an hour later than it should be, it confuses me. This morning I got up and read my scriptures and a chapter in the book, "To The Rescue," the Biography of Thomas S. Monson. I have really enjoyed reading about his life. This morning I read about how he was called as a Bishop at twenty two years old. Wow, that's young for a Bishop. He was especially kind to the widows in the ward and those who were struggling during hard times. It talked about how he liked going to funerals because he felt uplifted by the teachings and truths of the gospel he heard there. He said, "Because our Savior died at Calvary, death has no hold upon any one of us ...we laugh, we cry, we work, we play, we love, we live. And then we die. Death is our universal heritage. All must pass its portals. Death claims the aged, the weary and worn. It visits the youth in the bloom of hope and the glory of expectation. Nor are little children kept beyond its grasp." As I read this I remembered how after Kamber passed away Jenn wrote a letter to Pres. Monson telling him how devastated we were at her loss. He wrote a kind letter back telling her how sorry he and his wife were about the accident that took her home. That has been three years now and I'm still trying to sort it all out, it will probably take me a lifetime before I will be able to accept it. So in the mean time I just keep trying to move forward a step at a time trying to build enough faith to carry on. Hopefully some day I will be able to realize the purpose of all the suffering and I become better for it. That's all I can do now.

How Long Will It Take Me To Recover?

Bride to be at the Shower

At the Garden of the Gods

This is Spencer's locker at the Practice Facility

Leaving the facility with Tyton and Gunnar

At the Game before the Rain!

Last week was a whirlwind for me. I had a bridal shower for my niece Alyssa on Sat. followed by a quick trip up to Denver to go to Spencer's Monday Night football game. The shower went really well, she had lots of family and friends come support her. As soon as the shower was over my sister and her husband picked me up and we left for Albuquerque. I was so tired but it was nice to be out of my house and on a little trip. We got into our hotel at around 11:00 p.m. and to say we were tired was an understatement. The next morning we got up early and headed towards Denver. Spencer called and wanted to meet us at a place called "Garden of the Gods" located around Colorado Springs. It is a beautiful group of rock formations surrounded by forest trees. I must admit that after sitting for fourteen hours in a car and having only three hours of sleep it was hard to walk up and down the paths looking at the view. After the hike we went to check into our hotel before going to Spencer and Annie's for dinner. We went to the hotel and tried to get some sleep knowing that Monday would be really busy. Annie had arranged for the family to go to the practice facility to see where Spencer works. I got to go in the locker room and see his name on a space with his stuff in it. I stole a pair of sweats and his name tag used during training camp. That was special to me. We then met up with Rich, Mindi, his sister, Marybeth and other family members who flew in and went to lunch and then out to the the Outlet Mall for a little shopping. After going back to the hotel to freshen up we left for the game. We got to the stadium with plenty of time to soak in the sites and sounds and watch the teams warm up. Before the game started they had things to remember the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center. It was emotional for me as they had police and firefighters plus military people honored. They also had four guys parachute into the stadium the last one bringing in a huge American Flag. All was going well during the first quarter of the game and then the rain started. We tried to be strong but went up to get out of the drizzle. We did finally go back down to our seats and try and watch the rest of the game. There were on and off showers during the game so we didn't see much of it. After the game we got to go down on the field and meet up with Spencer. I really try to not get to discouraged but he never has been on a winning team since his Sophomore high school season. I'm tired of losing, I don't think I'm a poor sport but why can't he get on a team that actually wants to win? Oh well, we left yesterday and started our way back to Arizona. We arrived today at 2:00 p.m. and now I need to start getting back to normal, laundry, dishes, feeding animals, and all those other fun things I do. I don't know how long it will take me to recover but I don't think I'll be going anywhere soon.

"I Hate To See Summer End?"

Yesterday was Labor Day so we celebrated by taking my Mom to the mall to buy a gift for my niece, Allysa for her shower this Sat. After suffering for two nights of extreme pain from going to the football game, I was wondering how I would do walking around the stores. When I got out of the car and started into Dillard's' my Mom said, "gird up your loins, fresh courage take." That has become my mantra when I'm doing something hard. It seems like everything is hard for me right now. There is always so much to do around the house and yard when we have a party here. I think all of us could stay home and work day and night and we still wouldn't have it perfect. My Mom suggested that I sweep the floor, do my dishes, dust a little bit and call it good, but that won't do. I want it to be really nice, so I'll just keep working on my list of "must be done" until I run out of time. I'm trying really hard to not sink down into a deep dark hole. Last month was so hot I thought I was going to die. I don't know how many more summers I will be able to stay here. The problem is, what to do with all the plants and animals around here? I need to work on that one this winter. Last night as we were getting ready for bed Rich said, "I hate to see the weather cool down and summer come to an end." I could not believe what I was hearing. I think he's been out in the sun too long because I don't know anyone who is enjoying this weather. This morning when I told him he was "losing his mind" he said, "well, I just know it will be getting cold soon." Wa Wa isn't that horrible that it could cool off here? I can't wait until that day because I will hopefully be out of the toilet by then and have a better outlook on life.