"The Problem of the Day"

This morning I woke up really early at around 4:30. I was dripping in sweat and don't know if I was having a hot flash or  just got wound up in the covers on the bed. I never could get back to sleep so I got up and started my day. I read some more in my book about being a "Survivor," but most of it was about how to survive a plane crash. Since I'm afraid to fly, I'm pretty sure that's not the way I'm going to leave this earth. I did think it was interesting that the least likely people to survive a plane crash are older, out of shape women which puts me at the top of the list to not get out of the plane alive. I read a couple of chapters in my scriptures and then started my chores. When I fed the dogs I noticed the pool pump wasn't on, so I had Dave see if he could see what was wrong. He thinks the motor in the pump is gone, so we'll see how many days until we have a green pool again. I have a leak in my ceiling in my hall where the air conditioner is leaking on the wood floor. Nobody seems to care about that either, so I guess I'll just do what I can with towels and buckets. Not to mention the air conditioning in my kitchen never gets below 81 degrees. This is the part of summer that is the hardest for me. I've already lived through two months of 100 degrees and still have another two to go. It may start cooling down around Halloween but that's never for sure. Every summer I dream of going away for the summer to the mountains where it's cool, someday that will happen. These next two weeks are going to be so busy. We have four birthdays and Mindi is crazy busy getting everything ready for Tristyn's "sweet sixteen" blowout dance party on Saturday night. What we do for our kids should give us a straight shot into heaven. Even with everything that is not going so well right now I know I'm still so blessed to even have a house and cool air blowing in. My life has never been perfect and I'm pretty sure it never will be as I struggle everyday with something. When I was talking to Spencer last week he assured me that everyone has the same thing going on. He said, "today it is this problem, and tomorrow will be something else, it's just the problem of the day, everyday." Is it too much to ask for just ONE day that I don't have a problem?

Six Years of Surviving

This morning I woke up and am having a normal day. The usual things to do and then off to the grocery store before the heat is so bad I pray to die. Anyway, when I got home I remembered what a hard day this is. Six years ago today I started my own personal journey to hell and back. I've worked really hard through counseling, prayer and study, to help myself go on to live a productive life. I've worked through the five stages of grief, 1) Denial or Isolation, 2) Anger, 3) Bargaining, 4) Depression, and finally 5) Acceptance. After six years it is so important to accept the drowning death of sweet Kamber as something that happened. That's the reality of it. I remember the still small voice say, "why not you?" as I asked why I would have to go through something so hard. I've learned a lot about myself and my family. I found out that we can be survivors. As I've been reading my new favorite book, he talks about the 3 Rules of the Survivors Club, 1) Everyone is a Survivor, 2) It's not all Relative, and 3) You're stronger that your Know.  He says, "We all at times, face hopelessness and despair. We all experience grief, abandonment, and crushing loss. And all of us sooner or later will face the inevitable nearness of death." Six years ago as we experienced the sudden death of a grandchild I remember thinking, "how can I ever go on?" Well, I've made it six long years and even though there are times the sadness is still there, I am more thankful now that my faith is strong and I KNOW I will see her again. I know she is happy and I hope she will help her mother as Jenn brings these twins into the world. I miss her, love her, and hope she is aware of that. Our family are survivors and I'm so proud of that!

Max's Birthday, Mary"s Wedding

This week is proving to be another busy one for us. It started when we celebrated Max's birthday on Saturday with swimming, pizza and a Ninja Turtle Cake that Mindi made for him. Today is his birthday and he is now four years old, the only boy in the family with five sisters. He is a sweet boy but has his moments when he is kind of aggressive towards Brookie and Reagan, so it's probably a good thing Jenn is having two brothers for him to play with. We had to celebrate early because their kids started school today. Is it school time already? Yesterday as we went to the Temple for Mary's sealing it was 112 degrees. I got out of the truck and before I could get to the Temple doors I thought I was having a heat stroke. Today is no better with the forecasted high at 114. This is a good day to stay in and do some sewing. I finally finished a quilt for Mary and Jeff, so now I'm determined to make one for me. Mindi has also informed me that she would like a quilt for her bed too. I didn't take any pictures at the Temple because we literally walked out, smiled a few times and got the heck out of there. The reception was fun with dancing, cupcakes and ice cream sundaes. Last year she was alone with three children and now is married with six kids combined. I am so happy for her and hope their lives will be full of love and companionship. As I was talking to my Brother Len last night about all that has happened in the last year, he said, "that's the way life is, things are always changing." That gives me hope that maybe the weather will be changing and we can get some cool breezes and monsoon thunderstorms coming our way, otherwise I'm afraid I'm going to melt.

"The Survivors Club"

On Sunday when Spencer called he told me about a book he's reading called "The Survivors Club," by Ben Sherwood. I've been busy, but this morning I woke up early and decided to read a little bit on my I Pad before starting my chores. I'm only in the first chapter but it's really got me thinking about what a "Survivor" is. He says, "Eventually everyone joins the fellowship of men and women who have been knocked around by life." He then defines what a survivor is as "anyone who faces or overcomes adversity, hardships, illness, or physical or emotional trauma." That describes me to a tee, and then I started thinking of others in my life who are survivors. My Dad who has been battling prostate cancer for almost 12 years. When he was diagnosed, they gave him 18 months to live without treatment, but he had courage to do what it took to prolong his life. Another good example is my son Ethan and his wife Jenn, who have survived one of the hardest trials ever in burying one of their children. My niece Mary whose husband Lance, passed away a year ago and left her with three young children to raise. I think of my own trials in suffering from anxiety, depression, a miscarriage, multiple surgeries and the loss of our precious Kamber. The author says, "Survivors keep going despite opposition and setbacks. They may want to quit but they still persevere." Life doesn't stay the same, thank goodness and a few weeks ago we found out Ethan and Jenn are expecting twin boys. The decision to have more children came with lots of prayer and soul searching. My niece Mary is getting married today and we will get to be with her in the Temple as she is sealed to her new husband Jeff. A year ago her life was so sad, and now she is moving forward with her life and we are so happy for her. The other day I was telling a friend of mine that sometimes it seems like it would just be better if I could pass through the veil to the other side. My life seems so hard at times and I wonder if I even deserve to be happy. I guess I fall into that category of wanting to quit and give up. But I also want to be a Survivor. I want my kids and grand kids to know I could do hard things and get past them. I want to belong to the "Survivors Club."

Another Scorpion Attack

This week has been one of those weeks that have made me wonder what the heck I'm doing in my life. Whenever I think things are going good, or may be improving, I'm knocked down again. Last week I was thinking how lucky I have been this summer to not have any scorpion stings. After being stung a hundred times, I absolutely hate scorpions. Last night I went in my bathroom to put my swim suit on to exercise my knee in the pool. The first suit was still wet from the night before, so I grabbed one on the counter that had a towel on it. I slipped it on and before I could say a cuss word it got me three times on the upper leg. I grabbed a wet washcloth and beat the crap out of it and threw it in the sink. I went outside and tried to enjoy the 90 degree water but my leg was throbbing. I came in and got some pain reliever and when I went to get a can of soda it fell on the floor and sprayed all over my kitchen floor, cabinets, and even sprayed the pictures of my family on my fridge. Now I am ticked off as I had to spend time mopping up sticky soda as my leg throbbed. When I went to take some medicine my throat was numb and I couldn't feel the back of my throat. Then my lips started getting tingly and numb too. I think I'm going to have to start joining Mindi in her nightly scorpion hunt because I'm so tired of this. I'm getting tired of quite of few things in my life right now and need to make some changes. I'm running out of time to be able to live the life I want, hopefully it will be somewhere there aren't any scorpions.

$10 Gift

This summer seems to be more brutal than ever. I guess having surgery at the beginning started it off badly. We are now in the monsoon season when everyday we could possibly have a thunderstorm. We haven't had rain for so many months it was nice to get a little shower Sunday night. The problem is that after it rains, it's so humid you can hardly breath. Yesterday after running an errand Mindi and I were exiting the freeway heading home. Standing there at the corner was a man holding a sign. He looked dirty, had a hole in his pants and was carrying a ripped up McDonalds backpack. I took $10 out of my purse and had Mindi hand it to him out the window. He thanked us and said "God bless you." Most of the time it doesn't work out for me to hand money out, but this time I felt prompted to. I know there are people who think you shouldn't pass out money to panhandlers. After I gave him the money I didn't really care if he bought drugs, alcohol or maybe went to McDonalds for lunch. I started thinking what would get me to the point that I was desperate enough to stand out in the heat, by the freeway and beg for money? I was telling my Dad later on in the day what I did. I told him that I am so thankful that I have never felt my life was so hopeless that I didn't have a place to live. Then we joked about how we might all be going to Scottsdale to live with them if the country keeps going on the way it is. I am so thankful to have good parents who are still healthy enough to take care of themselves at 85 years old. I know it won't last forever but for now I'm grateful for them, but Dad did tell me he wouldn't have given the guy $10.

I Survived Bunco, Yea!

For the last month I've been stressing about having the Bunco ladies come to my house for dinner and games. I had never played Bunco before, which is just a silly dice game that a bunch of old ladies get together and play. There is absolutely no skill to it, just rolling dice and keeping score. I used to be able to plan parties, baby and bridal showers and it was a lot of work, but I kind of enjoyed it. It forced me to stretch a little and be creative and get my house ship, shape. This morning when I woke up I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. The stress of the last month had taken a toll and my head was pounding and I was in a bad mood. Since Kamber passed away and I've had hip replacement and now a bad knee, it just seems like anything extra is too hard for me. I wish I was the type of person that could invite people over and just not care that everything looks perfect. Just a little dusting and vacuuming would do. I just can't do that and besides having to do dinner and treats, desert and buy a little gift for twelve people, put me over the edge. It was a lot of fun and I absolutely love the ladies that came. Jenn came over this morning and we took all the kids out to swim. As we were enjoying the 90 plus degree water, I was thinking how nice it would be to be able to just get away. Pack up all the grand kids and get out of the heat. I envisioned myself sitting under a pine tree enjoying the cool weather. Or maybe another trip to the beach and have the smell of salt water permeate around me. I know that can't happen we have way too much going on around here and too many animals to find homes for, but it was worth a try and just daydreaming about it picked up my mood a little bit.

Baby #1 and Baby #2

Yesterday was a whopper of a day. I had Mindi and Rich's secretary, Amber helping me do some intervention in my kitchen. I have a hard time throwing things away and they were both busy helping me. The phone rang and it was Ethan asking if I wanted a sandwich for lunch. He's always thoughtful like that if he's in the area. Pretty soon Jenn showed up. I had forgotten that she had her first appointment with the OB doctor. As she walked in she was carrying a pink gift bag with blue tissue paper. At this point I'm still really confused. She handed me the bag and told me this would let me know what the gender of the baby was. When I pulled the contents out there were two baby boy sleepers, one saying Baby #1 and Baby #2. By now I'm in shock and thinking they are pulling a prank on me. After some happy tears we went in to panic mode. We don't have any multiple births on our side of the family so this must from Jenn's side or maybe just a gift from God. Jenn has always thought she would have twin boys but even with this pregnancy I told her she didn't look big enough for twins. Wow, I'm wrong again, she is 17 weeks pregnant and measuring 23 already. I keep telling myself that if Heavenly Father didn't think they could handle this he wouldn't have sent these precious babies to them. This will make eight children for them, one in Heaven. Kamber must be busy up there getting them ready to come and hopefully sending help for her other siblings because this is going to really change their family. Life always has a way of throwing me a curve ball and this one is a doozy.

Boring 4th of July

Another busy week has come and gone. The week included a birthday party and the 4th of July, neither which was very exciting. Rich looks at holidays as just an extra day for him to get some projects done and catch up on things that he hasn't had time to do yet. By 9 o'clock last night I was falling asleep watching the fireworks on the television, so lame. I didn't even go outside to look and see if there were any fireworks close. Party Pooper I am.  Candi is in California with her in-laws and Spencer's still in Boston. Mindi had her blowout birthday party for Trulie, so she was tired. Ethan invited us out but he's moved half way to Globe, and we were too tired to go that far.  I've often wondered why my life seems to be so predictable and boring, while other families seem to really go all out for these holidays. When I was a kid we would go to Eagar for the 4th. I remember how fun it was watching the parade, rodeo and even going to the western dances. Rich grew up in Richfield, Utah and I've spent a few 4th of Julys up there and they really put on a fun parade and carnival at the park. Plus it's way cooler in those two places. I know most of my lifestyle is self inflicted. Having lots of animals and being self employed, definitely puts a damper on how much we can vacation. Yesterday as Mindi and I were running some errands, we were talking about how it seems like all our holidays seem to be workdays. Her boys spent yesterday and today mowing the lawns and cleaning the pool. Maybe it is getting time to find that two bedroom condo that doesn't allow pets. Now that would solve a lot of my problems, but where would we be put all the other stuff we have? I wouldn't change who I am or the experiences I've had. I have even learned to accept the trials I've gone through. Later this month it will be six years since Kamber went home to heaven. Six years is a long time to grieve. We miss her so much especially when all the kids get together and there is this feeling that someone is missing. Looking on the bright side Rich finally got someone over to fix the air conditioning. Believe me, 77 degrees feels way better than 84 in my kitchen.

Gismo is Gone, Trulie is Three!

I woke up this morning early and decided to just get up and get going. I have been a little lax in my scripture reading, so I decided that maybe today would be a good day to start. When I opened them I was in Alma. One of the scriptures I read was Alma 48:11 where it says, "And Moroni was a strong and a mighty man; he was a man of a perfect understanding, yea, a man that did not delight in bloodshed; a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country, and his brethren from bondage and slavery." I thought that was really weird with tomorrow being the 4th of July. Liberty and freedom are really important to us. When I started working around my house I realized that Rich had let the little dog Gizmo out in front while he was loading up for work and she was gone. This little dog is 13 years old, deaf and partially blind. When I called Rich to tell him she was missing he told me to send the kids out to look for her. They rode their bikes up and down the street and around the two neighborhoods to the east of our house. They never did find her and I was getting worried. It's going to be 111 degrees today and I have a missing dog that Rich offered to dog sit for a month and she was no where in sight. I decided there wasn't anything more I could do so I just started working around the house, and praying she would be found.  I had this strange thought come into my mind. "Don't worry, everything is going to be alright, someone has found her." By now I'm thinking that maybe I'm losing it, but within a few minutes Mindi called to say someone found her, called the owner, who called Rich and she had just picked her up. My prayers had been answered, whew! Today is Miss Trulie's 3rd birthday. Mindi has been working all week on a little party for her, a "Frozen" party. When I went down to check out how all the preparations were going, I found Trulie eating ice cream for breakfast. We make fun of her that she looks like Anna in the movie because her hair is crazy in the mornings. I'm headed to physical therapy and then the party is this afternoon. Sounds like I'm going to need a nap too.