Remembering Kamber

I cannot believe that I let Mindi put that AWFUL picture of me on my blog yesterday. I didn't think I really look that bad in the morning and with those hideous glasses on and my nappy hair pulled back... Anyway, now that I am totally embarrassed I can write what is in my heart today. I have been working on this quilt for my Dad and today is his birthday. We haven't always had the best of relationship because we have a lot of the same bad character flaws. We are stubborn, opinionated, and we even cuss a little, (just a few naughty words), nothing that horrible. Anyway, when I received all the quilt squares back I was lacking a few to make four rows on my quilt. I called Jenn and asked if she could get in touch with the guy who did our shirts honoring Kamber at Thanksgiving. He was so kind and as we drove out and gave him the material to screen print her darling little face on my quilt squares, I couldn't help but wonder how she was doing. As I assembled the quilt I knew exactly where I wanted her to be on this quilt so I had to move a few others around. I have to admit that it is my favorite square and I even ironed on two sparkly purple butterflies to make it stand out a little more. Anyway, I have realized lately that our lives are just made up of life experiences, good and bad, happy and sad, spiritual and temporal. I have to admit that losing a grandchild to a horrendous accident is the most unpleasant thing a person can go through, at least it has been for me so far. But, I have learned so much. It seems like when things are going really well we don't learn the lessons that we need to know. I am so thankful for the atonement, that I can repent everyday (believe me I need that ), and that because of the Savior I hopefully will be able to be with Kamber and my other family members on the other side of the veil. I know they are cheering me on everyday to be kinder, to give service happily, and to be grateful for all the tender mercies that I enjoy in my life. We never know what is around the corner. It seems that the blindsides are the worst. I guess that is what I am thankful for today, that my Dad at 81 and we are able to celebrate another birthday with him.

Memory Quilt fo Dad

A couple of weeks ago after I realized that my brother Lennie wouldn't be here for three years I decided that we should make a memory quilt for my Dad's 81st birthday tomorrow. I had just finished one for my dear friend in the ward with breast cancer and it turned out so cute that I thought it would be fun to make another one. WOW! what a project, what the he*# was I thinking? I found some material about golfing because that is his passion, and then cut the squares and got them to my extended family. I have three siblings and with us four kids we have seventeen grandchildren and twenty nine great- grandchildren with four on the way. I started receiving the squares a week ago and have been working on this project every day, almost all day since then. With the help of a friend in the ward I was able to just about finish the top last night. The Relief Society Pres. asked if I could come help serve at the Young Women's "New Beginnings" dinner and program. I said "yes" but then realized that I was in a time crunch with my quilt. We had just had a lesson in R.S. on Sunday about the difference between obedience, sacrifice and consecration. I thought that if I went and did what was asked and did a little service, maybe my quilt would come together a little easier. I spent two hours at the church helping plate up the food and we had a fun time working in the kitchen with some of the choice sisters in my ward. My friend Sharon brought me home and with Rich's help we started piecing the rows of quilt squares together and finishing the center. When I went to bed at 11:30 I was pleased with my progress and all I had to do was sew the three rows together and then I could start tying it. I was still a little groggy this morning but I was anxious to get started and went on and pinned my first two rows together, sewed them and when I went to iron them I realized I had sewn them upside down. I was so discouraged I just about started to cry when Mindi said, "let me go get my camera and take a picture so you can blog about it. "Oh yeah! I look so cute at 8:00 a.m. after I had just screwed up my quilt, take a darling picture of me!" Anyway, I finally finished sewing it together and putting the final touches on the boarder, I'm waiting for my sister Mell to come and help me finish tying it and then my friend Sharon is going to help me put the binding on it. I don't think I will be volunteering for a quilt anytime soon. This has truly been a labor of love and I love the way it has turned out but I am just flat worn out. Mindi just suggested we do one for Grandma for Mother's Day. I will have to think about that one for a while.

My Brother the Mission President

I was going through some boxes of stuff to find a picture of my brother Lennie and I as kids. I ended up taking a stroll back in time. As I was going through my unorganized mess of junk I found pictures and drawings, report cards and letters from Rich on his mission, wedding announcements and funeral programs. As I looked at all these mementos I thought, "where has all the time gone?" Yesterday was an emotional day for me. On New Years Day my brother Len asked my siblings and parents to come to his house. While there, he informed us that he has been called to be a Mission President and Julie as a full time missionary. I have always known that they would serve a mission together, but I wasn't prepared for this time, I thought mission presidents were old guys. "Oh I forgot that we are considered old now." Anyway, I am so happy for them, I know they will do a great job. I have gone through the gamet of emotions for the last three weeks because they asked us not to tell anyone until they decided the timing was right. Now that the "cat is out of the bag" it almost feels surreal. My parents are in their 80's and who knows what will happen during the next three years, but whatever does, we will have to go it alone without him. We will have babies born, maybe some weddings, hopefully no deaths, but by sad experience we know anything can happen. Who knows what else might come to pass, but we will be happy that they are serving the Lord. I wish I had the faith to leave my home, family and comforts of home to go out into the mission field. We will support them from afar, They don't know yet where they will be so hopefully it will be close.

At my Dad's 80th birthday.

I Need Noah's Ark

What the bleep! We haven't had any rain in four months and now we need a boat to get around. I can't remember it raining this much since one year in the 1980's. It flooded so bad back then that they had to let water run out of the damn. When they did that it washed away roads and bridges and made our life miserable. Our yard looks like we got ten hours of irrigation. I have been up a lot these last few nights worrying about my animals outside. I have rabbits, chickens, ponds full of fish and the big sulcata tortoises. Last night I went out and one of my chickens was laying down in a hole not moving. I was sure she was dying so I brought her in my house and put her on a towel in my laundry room. I went to a baby shower and a meeting and when I came home I went and checked on her and she was sitting up. This morning when I got up and went in and turned the light on she hopped up on the laundry basket and acted normal. So, out she went into the pen with the others. I was so worried about our big tortoises that I made Mindi walk out at ten o'clock last night to check on them. We had flashlights and sloshed out in the mud and she looked down in the hole and they were coming out. When I went out tonight to feed the herd I noticed that the hole they dug and live in has collapsed. They were all out but covered in mud. I made Mindi stop by the store and buy some heat lamps to put in the chicken coop because I had to bring in another one of my chickens because it wasn't moving and her little feet were so cold. Hopefully the sun will come out tomorrow and she will be up to going out with the rest of her friends too. I love animals but I hate fighting the rain and cold, and then turning around and fighting the suffocating heat. Maybe I should just get a Chia Pet and call it good.

Past My Prime

It seems like the older I get the busier I am. I like to be busy because it helps me forget some of my problems and distracts me from others. It has been fun having Spencer and Annie home although we haven't seen them much because they are busy with their two kids and her family. We got another welcomed announcement on Sat. at Trace's birthday party that we are going to be grandparents again. Spencer and Annie will have another baby in the summer. That will make four children and fourteen grandchildren. I know why as members of the church we are told to "multiply and replenish the earth" because that is the only way to have "joy in our posterity." On Monday Candi and Jenn came over with their children while we were working on a project. Candi was kind enough to bring her scissors and cut Mindi and my hair. That is always a treat and she sure saves us a ton of money. We will never regret helping her through cosmetology school. She is always so willing to help us out and will never know how much we appreciate her. Rich and I have really felt bad about what is happening in Haiti. It is weird how it is so hard to wrap your brain around something so devastating. The suffering is so great and I wonder sometimes why our Heavenly Father would let this happen? I feel the same way I did when we heard the news about Kamber, did this really happen? What could we have done to help or prevent it? I know that He allows these things to happen and that he could prevent it, but that wasn't His plan. Last night as we were getting ready for bed Rich suggested that we adopt a Haitian child. That went over like a lead balloon, or maybe more like a flushed toilet for me. I am toooooo old to take on raising little kids. I have a hard time keeping up with my grandchildren, in fact, I don't really keep up with them very well. I admire all the people who will take in foster children and adopt others who need homes, but I am way past my prime for that. Maybe some of my chldren should "jump on that grenade" but I would have to be around twenty-five years younger to take on some more children. Rich was talking to our Home Teachers last night about how he would love to go to Haiti and help. I wish he could go, I would miss him, but if he was in a position to go, I know he would. That is what we love about him.

Labor of Love

About two months ago my Relief Society President asked me if I would make a quilt for a sister in our ward who is battling breast cancer. I had already made her a quilt but told her I would do it. I decided I would do animal prints so off to Hobby Lobby we went. We had it all planned that at our December Enrichment we would have the sisters write a little note on the 6" blocks of fabric and then we would put them all together. I brought all the materials to the meeting because I was assured that she wouldn't be there because she had just had chemo and wouldn't be feeling well enough. Well, that didn't work out as planned because she ended up making it to our meeting, so we had to go to plan B. Plan B was to hand the squares out and hope we got them back. After a month of reminding the sisters about their squares we finally started to get them trickling in. Then the Pres. decided she would like to give it to her on her birthday on Jan. 14. I have spent two weeks putting this quilt together and with the help of another sister in the ward we were able to give it to the Pres. to deliver it yesterday, her birthday. On Wed. Mindi and I were asked to take a meal in also. As we dropped the food off I went in to tell her "Hi" and she was sleeping. It was almost 7:00 p.m. and she didn't look like she was feeling that well. As we drove off I was just hoping and praying that I would never have to endure cancer and the treatments that are so absolutely hideous. I have side affects when I take antibiotics, I know just the treatment would make me so sick I would give up. I realized that we don't get to choose our trials. I have "kind of" survived the death of a grandchild, and I never thought that would be possible. I don't know what is in store for me. I'm not afraid to die because I know I have lots of family on the other side, I just don't want to suffer. It was a spiritual thing making this quilt. I was impressed by the kind words of love and encouragement each sister wrote. I felt the spirit as I was piecing them together and then sewing the quilt into a masterpiece. I was thankful Heavenly Father gave me the talent to even take on a project and trust that I would be able to get it done and it be acceptable to Him. We are asked to do hard things while on this earth. I'm not a big fan of "HARD" but if it helps me be more like the Savior then I guess I will just keep on trying to be the best I can be and struggle through the trials I am asked to endure.

Sharon, Ruthanne and me tying the quilt.

Sundays are Hard

Why are Sundays so hard? Sometimes I think Sundays are busier than any other day of the week. I thought it was a "day of rest?" We changed church times to 9:00 a.m. and that is better than the 12:30 schedule, but that means up early to shower and get all the chores done before church. Rich has responsibilities that start at 6:00 a.m. some Sundays so he wakes me up when he gets in the shower. I can't wait until my bathroom is finished and we can move back in our master bedroom. I have been sad all day. I wonder why Sunday brings out the reflection of times past. I find myself being irritated, tired and grouchy most Sundays and the Broncos didn't even play today. We had a good lesson in Relief Society but sometimes the message tends to make me more depressed than when I went in. Why is that? We were talking about how we are literal daughters of God and how we need to remember that everyday, and try and be more like him. That isn't a new concept for me but at times I feel my attitude doesn't emulate deity. I know we have to experience sorrow, pain, disappointment and death while on this earth but I don't have to like it do I? As a mother and grandmother I want to be an example to my children and grandchildren, but at times I feel like I'm just another problem for them instead of a solution. I think we always hope that after the holidays, when we start a new year that things will be better. I have hope that life will get better this year than last and I will be able to change the things about me that I hate. But, changing is hard for me. Trying to diet, exercise, read my scriptures, become more spiritual, be kinder to my family and friends, and all the other things that are asked of me are overwhelming. I know I have it really good. We always hear stories of how bad others have it and that puts me on the guilt trip too. I have so much to be thankful for and I feel ashamed that I can't see all the good around me sometimes. Maybe it is normal to have a down day. Maybe I need to just go to bed and hope that the sun will come up tomorrow and my mood will be better. Tomorrow will be a better day because Mondays aren't as stressful as Sundays.

Happiness after Adversity

I have been working on a project the last couple of days, I was at a stopping place so I decided to take a break and relax. My mind is always going and it is hard to shut the thoughts off sometimes, so I thought I should maybe just write them down. Rich just left for the airport to fly to Denver and help Spencer and Annie drive one of their vehicles home. It will be fun to see them again, it seems like forever. I'm sure the boys are getting big and they probably won't even recognize us or even know who we are. I was looking at the t.v. last night to find something to watch and there was a program on channel 8 that caught my eye. It was about happiness. There was a guy who was traveling all over the country talking to people about happiness. He interviewed one guy who had won the lottery and talked to him about how his life had changed. Then he talked to a woman who had ovarian cancer and had lost all her hair. She looked like someone from the play "Hair", I have never seen a mane like hers. She had about ten wigs and depending on how she felt that day, that would be how she decided which of her wigs she would wear. Now I haven't been known for my happy, chipper, positive outlook on life, personality, but as I watched this program I felt so blessed that the trials I have had haven't killed me yet. One of the guys on this program mentioned that people go through terrible experiences in their lives and almost all of them end up becoming as happy as they were before they went through their tragedy. I thought that was so interesting, "we will all end up as happy as we were before Kamber passed away." Can that be possible? I think the longer we are able to deal with the sadness, pain, denial, heartache and everything else that goes with the trial, we still can be happy again in the future. It changes who we are, but I think in a good way. The guy was talking to a Vietnam veteran who had been shot down in the war and was tortured and kept for eight years in solitary confinement. He said that they asked prisoners of war if they could take the experience away, would they? All of them said, "no, they wouldn't take the experience away because they learned so much about themselves and realized how strong they really were." I have often wondered if we could bring Kamber back would we? I know at the beginning I would have changed places with her in a heartbeat, but that wasn't the pathway I was to walk. I don't know why we need adversity in our lives, I guess that is the only way we can be just a little bit like the Savior. I hate adversity, but I know that our life is made up of experiences and that is what makes us grow and learn. My hope for the new year is to become as happy as I was in July of 2008 in the near future.

"Control My Own Destiny"

I have been watching a lot of Sportscenter the last week trying to figure out how the Denver Broncos could make it into the playoffs after losing eight of their last ten games. As I listened to the commentators they would always say "they control their own destiny," while describing a certain team. After the horrible game they played yesterday against a 3-13 team and got their butts kicked, I was so irritated when I went to bed I wondered what will it take for Spencer to play on a winning team? I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. I was thinking about all the people and things in my life that are irritating me right now. I really wanted to start the new year off on a good note. They even released me from Primary and put me on the Activities Committee, but after my first Sunday in January I was just plain annoyed. After stewing about my problems until 6:30 a.m. I finally fell back to sleep. When I woke up I still wasn't in the best mood. I got up and did my chores, feeding animals, making my bed and starting laundry, but I still couldn't shake the bad mood I found myself in. Candi came over and we went for a walk around the block with Mindi and all the kids and the words, "control your own destiny," kept coming into my head. I guess that is what I need to be working on. I need to get control of my own thoughts and actions and stop worrying about those around me who have done things that have just down right "pissed me off," (like the girl who gave me a counterfeit $20.) I have such a hard time forgiving those who have hurt me. I really thought that as I got older I would become more docile and passive like little old grannies need to be, but that hasn't happened. I do have so many blessings I feel ashamed to even talk about my sadness. Yesterday in Relief Society the teacher talked about how we need to make it a priority this year to learn about God. To understand that we are literally daughters of our Heavenly Father and that he knows each one of us by name and he loves us. Now that should cheer me up, just knowing that I have someone in Heaven who loves me is special. Maybe one of my resolutions should be to control my own destiny and not let others affect the person I know I could become.