Dad's Birthday

Yesterday was Dad's 67th birthday. Last year we celebrated it by having his funeral. I can't believe it's already been a year since he's been gone. As I've reflected on the last year I'm proud of some of the things I've accomplished. After spending many years suffering from anxiety and staying home, I traveled to Montana in a U Haul truck with my son-in-law. It took us 29 hours to get to Billings, going through Nevada, Utah, Idaho and then finally making it to Montana. While there, I got to go see Mt. Rushmore and go through South Dakota and a little piece of Wyoming, I think. Then on the way home we went through West Yellowstone which was absolutely breathtaking. We came down through Richfield, Kanab and Page until we got back into Arizona in Flagstaff. What a great trip. I probably won't ever go again but I'm so glad I got to experience that. In October I got to go to California with Candi's family. I went to a Renaissance theater where we had dinner and watched a duel between different Knights on horses. After a couple of days at the beach, we went to Disneyland to "trick or treat" with Mickey. There again I was out of my comfort zone with thousands of people, but I even made it on a few rides that scared me almost to death. Definitely won't do that again. This past week I went to the fair grounds with a friend to attend the quilting extravaganza. There were hundreds of people there and so much to look at. That definitely stretched my abilities as I had to constantly try and control my anxiety and claustrophobia. I was proud as we left that I had endured the experience. I wonder what it would be like to be normal, to be able to go and do everything I wanted without worrying about how I feel. Someday I hope it will be taken from me and I will be the person I was before the trauma of life. Tomorrow we are getting together to celebrate Dad's birthday. My siblings, Mother and cousin Barb are going to cook out steaks and enjoy dinner together to honor our Dad. This year hasn't been easy, there are still a lot of things I wish were different in my life and I hope to someday be able to change them. But I'm thankful for another year with my Mom and we hope to have her with us for a very long time.

An Emotional Year

Tomorrow will be the first anniversary of my Dad's journey to Heaven. I was warned that even though we knew he was sick with cancer and was going to pass away, until it actually happened I wouldn't understand or start the grieving process. Boy was that right as I have struggled for a year trying to deal with his death.  I have always battled with my weight since I had five pregnancies in the first ten years of marriage. My sister and I have been seeing a doctor for the last few years and going up and down the scale between hip replacement and her recent knee replacement. After Dad died I was out of control with my eating. I am an emotional eater but this was something I couldn't control. For the last few months I have felt better and have battled back to get to where I was before he left us. Today as I weighed in and got my shot, I was a little disappointed that I was .2 pounds over what I was last year after gaining fifteen pounds. I was beating myself up when my sister said, "What is the difference between those two weights, .2 pounds? Your jewelry weighs at least that much." My sister is really a smart person and has way more intellectual thinking than emotional like I am. As we called Mother to report our results, she told us how darling we are and that we take after our sweet Dad in our battle of the bulge. She didn't give us the right DNA to be skinny but I'm thankful for my body anyway. I was able to play sports and travel with teams. I was able to carry four babies and give birth to them.  I'm thankful for all the good qualities my parents gave me and try to overcome those things I don't like about myself. At some point I will have to become an adult and stop blaming my parents for my shortcomings, but I still wish I would have gotten Mom's skinny genes.

"Rats in the Cellar of My Mind"

It felt good to get most of the Christmas put away and my house almost back to where it was before the holidays. I had made some really good resolutions to work on in the new year. I'm sad to say that after only thirteen days I find myself in the same place I was last year at this time. In nine days it will be the first anniversary of my Dad's death. I always think a lot about him in January because it was his birthday month. He loved to golf and the Phoenix Open was always held in January. So when he was younger and felt better, he would go watch the tournament. My brothers would give him new golf balls and I would give him a shirt. Since he's passed away Mom hasn't had the energy or desire to go through his things and give them away. Grief is an interesting thing to go through, but I know I will see him again and it will be a sweet reunion. In church on Sunday there was a good talk given on being kind when people do things that are annoying. Why is that so hard to do for some of us? There was a quote given by C.S. Lewis which said "When we begin to try to be like Christ, we begin to notice, besides our particular sinful acts, our sinfulness; begin to be alarmed not only about what we do, but about what we are." Then he goes on to talk about rats in the cellar of our minds. It was a really good story and makes me want to read some more of his writings. Life will get better, it always does, it never stays the same thank heavens.

Simplify for the New Year

It's been two weeks since Christmas and I'm just now starting to get back to normal, whatever that is. After coming down with the dreaded sickness on Christmas Eve, it's been a struggle to get everything put away and my house somewhat back where it was before the holidays. I have to admit I've spent lots of time wondering why I spend so much time decorating, shopping, wrapping, sewing and cooking for a few hours of celebration. I found myself alone for hours without even turning on the Christmas lights, as Rich was gone to Montana and working long hours trying to get his jobs finished. For my New Year's goals, I want to simplify my life and lose some of the stress that keeps me frustrated and unhappy. It's been almost a year since Dad passed away and will be eight since Kamber went back to live with our Heavenly Father. It's been an uphill climb for sure to deal with those losses. Yesterday we went to Mom's to take down her tree and get her house undecorated. We picked up some sub sandwiches and had a nice time visiting with her. She is so happy when we come to visit and always talks about how glad she is to have children and doesn't know what she would do if she didn't. We talked a little bit about politics, which never got too confrontational, and then we came home. As we were driving my brother, who has been a Mission President and is now serving as an Area Seventy, was saying that no matter where you go, every family has something they are struggling with. Whether it's financial, health, disobedient children, death, marriage problems or any number of things that can make life so challenging. Sometimes it is really hard to see all the blessing through the trials. I too am thankful for my children and grandchildren, life would be so boring if it was just Rich and I, we are boring people. I'm hoping the new year will bring peace to this crazy world we live in and as a family we can become more unified and simplified too.