Good Friday 2013

Rich and I were married on Good Friday almost thirty-seven years ago. Although today isn't really our anniversary it still reminds me of that cold, wet, stormy day in April so many years ago that we were married. I haven't been sleeping very well because I have a mother dog who is a pain in the butt. She doesn't want to nurse her puppies anymore, but she thinks she's a house dog and whines at the door all night wanting to get in. Rich has been getting up and putting the fear of God in her, but that is just temporary. Yesterday Mindi and I decided we would move the eight puppies to the pen behind her house. The flies have been horrible since our neighbors moved in with four horses across the street last summer. As I was carrying two puppies I tripped on a rock and stumbled towards the fence. All I saw was Mindi's eyes get really big as she was yelling "MOM", she was holding a pair of scissors in her hand and before I toppled over my arm hit the fence. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, it must have been a comical but scary sight. After going to a wedding reception last night we had to walk a block to get back to the car. Between my almost deadly fall and my walk, I was so sore I was in tears when I went to bed. I wish I had the time to just relax and eat bon bons all day but life is so crazy right now with all that needs to be done around here. My Dad has been doing better but this week has felt lousy. He had his last chemo treatment yesterday but is meeting with a urologist today about a problem with his kidney. They think the cancer may have spread now to one of his kidneys and they may have to operate and take it out. I would have given up a long time ago. That is one thing about that generation of people who lived through the depression and were so poor, they are so tough. In my little book "The Power of Adversity" there is a quote from Spencer W. Kimball, who I love. He says, "Is there not wisdom in his giving us trials that we might rise above them, responsibilities that we might achieve, work to harden our muscles, sorrows to try our souls? Are we not exposed to temptations to test our strength, sickness that we might learn patience, death that we might be immortalized and glorified? In face of apparent tragedy we must put our trust in God, knowing that despite our limited view his purposes will not fail. With all its troubles life offers us the tremendous privilege to grow in knowledge and wisdom, faith and works, preparing to return and share God's glory."

The Way It Is Suppose To Be?

Lately I've been in a funk. I've asked myself a thousand times if this is what life is suppose to be like. Then I have other questions I ask myself in my mind. Am I doing what I was destined to do? Am I living where I am suppose to be? Am I doing all I can do to follow the Savior's example. I wonder if my problem is age related or just lack of sleep and hormones.Sunday morning I was standing at the sink with Rich behind me looking out the front of our house. I said something about how much work it takes to live in a nice house with a huge yard full of flowers. Besides spending hours and hours at work and church, he also does most of the work in the yard. All he said was that he likes making our home beautiful. That is what he does for a job, helping others make their homes beautiful. I am so thankful he loves what he does. I wish I could have gone on to have a career after my kids were out of the house, but that wasn't my pathway so, no regrets. On Sunday afternoon we went to the cemetery to decorate Kamber's grave for Easter. As we pulled in I was so happy to see all the pretty spring flowers on the graves. Rich commented that almost every grave had some nice flowers on them. As we walked along I made sure the family knew what was not acceptable to put on my grave, live flowers that shrivel up and die, then look ugly, not acceptable. As we left I felt at peace. The cemetery is a nice place to be on a warm sunny Sabbath afternoon. I know Kamber appreciates us thinking about her and she know how much we love and miss her. I know she loves her little brothers and sisters and parents and knows she will see them again. With all those questions I have floating around in my goofy brain I do know that our Heavenly Father loves us and wants us to be happy, but life is still hard and maybe that is the way it's suppose to be.

"Your Daughter's Your Daughter"

I was talking to one of my really good friends the other day about our children and grandchildren. She has four boys one of which was killed in a motorcycle accident a few years ago. As we were talking, I told her I was so thankful to have daughters. She needs a daughter. This week Candi came over and did a Larsen Family hair cutting, coloring and styling extravaganza. She uses her talents and kindness when she comes over and it helps us all save time and money.  I asked Rich last week if he could cut my toenails on my foot where I had my hip operation. The look on his face made me think that wasn't in the job description of husband duties. After he was done he said, "how much does it cost to get a pedicure?" That's all it took for me to decide I needed some professional help. So on Thursday we took Trulie to the babysitter and Mindi and I went and got a manicure and pedicure. It was so fun to just relax and let someone TRY and improve our looks. I heard a little saying once that said, "your daughter's your daughter all of your life, your son's your son till he takes a wife.'" I have been really lucky because I love both of my daughter-in-laws as much as my daughters. There have been times I have liked them more than my sons, but that's a different post. The older I get the more I understand the wisdom of our Heavenly Father who puts us in families so we can experience all that is needed to become like him. It is through these relationships where we grow and learn about the atonement and agency. My kids are not perfect but they are mine and I wouldn't trade them for anyone on this earth.

"Have Mercy on Me"

Last week was probably one of the hardest ones I've had in a long time. Having three sets of puppies and five kids home for spring break was almost more than I could take. Not to mention the two acres of grass and weeds that we were expected to mow down after a month of irrigation and rain. I was out of control most of the week and into the weekend. When the kids went back to school yesterday you didn't see any of us crying around here. We had a million errands to run, Michael's, Wal Mart,the feed store, the bank, Sprouts the water store and on and on. As I went out to feed my flock I had the first hint of orange blossom scent. As I walked around the property, taking pictures of all the blossoms on our trees, it took me back to my childhood. I grew up in Scottsdale but most of my extended family lived in Mesa. My maternal grandma lived in downtown Mesa a few blocks from the Temple. I remember driving over to visit her with the windows down breathing in all the smells of spring. I remember playing in her yard and not wanting to go home because of the freshness of the air there. I've been reflective lately about my life. How does a nice girl like me get into such messes? Why do I let people offend me when they are just as flawed as the rest of us. I had a friend share a scripture with me the other day that I'm trying to use in my life. It's Alma 36:18 in the Book of Mormon, it reads, "Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart; O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death." Since Kamber passed away and I had my hip replacement, plus other trials, I feel sometimes like I need the The Savior to just have mercy on me as I walk my pathway through this mortality. Do you have any scriptures to help you through this experience?

"I Approve of Myself"

About a year ago when I was in one of my dark "in the toilet" kind of days, I heard a voice tell me that I need to "take my power back." I didn't quite understand what that meant, so when I was talking to my friend I asked him what that was suppose to teach me. He told me that when we let others destroy our self esteem and make us act and feel a way other than our divine self, we need to take back our power. I did it again this week. I fell in the trap. The trap that is in my own thoughts that makes me take a situation and send me to hell. This morning as I was reading my little book, yes, I'm still trying to "heal my life", she was talking about positive affirmations. This week has been so crazy with the kids home from school that it has taken me out of the game of saying, "I approve of myself." I'm suppose to say that a bazillion times a day and I forgot, dang it. I remember Spencer telling me a while back that he had come across a chaplain who is all about meditation and affirmations. He uses it all the time to just let his mind go and try and commune with a higher being. I have never really been in to this stuff but lately it seems like everything I come across talks about the power of changing our thoughts, which in turn changes our ability to cope with life. Boy would that be great, not falling into all those traps that are put in my path. So today I am studying on how to meditate and tell myself  how great my life is and try and get out of this trap I'm caught in. At the end of this chapter she says, "Love who and what you are and what you do."  That sounds great to me, I have a long ways to go on that one.

Spring Break Isn't Really a Break for Me

Back in the olden days I don't remember having Fall and Spring Break. Maybe we did and I just don't remember, but my parents were both school teachers and I don't think we had many breaks until summer. I spent most yesterday outside while we were trying to do a service project. We thought it would be good to have the kids work on mowing, weed eating and cleaning up the backyard. It was probably the most frustrating thing I have done in a long time. Trying to keep three boys ages 6-12 and an 18 month old on task was impossible. We had lawn mower problems and ran out of string on the weed eater. Of course Rich and Dave are no where in sight, as they are on jobs trying to keep us in groceries and a roof over our heads. We are having record high temperatures so by the afternoon the kids were hot and wanted to swim. The water in the pool is still freezing but after telling them "NO" a hundred times we gave up. Jenn happened to bring her kids over to see the puppies and play with the cousins, so we let the kids in the pool. The bigger kids swam around and the little kids just played in the baby pool. Poor Max stripped down into his birthday suit before we could get a swimmer on him. We have lots of work to do this summer getting the little ones pool safe. I know we couldn't live through another tragedy that took our sweet Kamber from us five years ago. It will be good next week to get back to normal with the kids back to school. The only problem is there is only a few more weeks until the summer and then everyday will be like this. Spring Break is really just a break from what little sanity I have left.

"You Make Your Life What You Want It To Be"

This week is spring break for the kids here in Gilbert. It may be a break for the kids, but it just makes life harder for the Moms. We have been busy this morning cleaning up and working around the house. After two and a half hours of irrigation and then a storm that dropped over a half inch of rain, we are pretty muddy around here. It was 58 degrees last Friday and by Thursday it will be in the 90's. We went from winter to summer in a weeks time. On Friday our little Shih Tzu dog had six brown puppies. That makes three litters of puppies, seventeen total. I woke up this morning at 4:00 a.m. with a killer headache.  I think it's all a self induced kind of stress thing. The time might be coming soon for me to get out of the animal business. I'm going to be sixty this year and with my bad hip it complicates everything I do. I spend so much time taking care of the animals and making sure everything is clean and fed, that I'm really not enjoying life anymore. I want to be able to work on some of my quilts and maybe even finish one for my bed. Anyway, I'm just having a little "pity party" for myself right now, can you tell?  It seems like I've been taking care of either kids or animals for way too long and I may be burning out just a bit. Is it time yet for me to sit in a rocking chair eating bon bons and grapes and having someone fan me all day long? Last week as Rich and I were getting ready for bed he said, "it's going to be interesting when you die and go to the other side and see all those animals that you have tried to make their lives better." I hope the angels in Heaven know my heart is in the right place. While I was looking for a quote from Spencer W. Kimball on the treatment of animals I came across this one from an anonymous writer. It says, "Be glad there are big hurdles in life and rejoice, too, that they may be higher than most people can surmount. Be happy they are numerous, it is those hurdles that give you a chance to work your way to the front of the crowd. They are your friends. For if it were not for high hurdles, many men might be able to outrun you." I have never been the one to be glad for the high hurdles in my life. Health challenges and losing Kamber have especially taken a huge toll on my ability to cope with these hurdles in life. There was another little saying I liked, "You make your life what you want it to be." So it's up to me to carry on, even during spring break.

How Did Spencer Get So Old?

On Monday my baby boy turned 29 years old. As my kids keep getting older, so do Rich and I.  When he was here last time, I asked him if there was anything I could do for him. He mumbled something about making him a UofA sheet to put on his table he uses when he treats people with his MAT. After they left I felt inspired to take all the t-shirts I had collected of his four year college football career and make them into a quilt. I spent all my spare time for the last three weeks sewing and quilting and I really wanted him to get it on his birthday.  Last week was so crazy birthing puppies, that I didn't get it done until Wednesday. So off I went to UPS to mail this "thing of beauty" to Boston. I told the guy it needed to get there by March 4th and when he told me it would cost $69.95 I almost fainted. If I could wait until March 6th it would only be $19.95. We don't have a money tree out in the backyard to pick off of and Rich works mighty hard for his money, so I'm hoping he will get it today before the storm of all storms hits the East Coast. I have been trying really hard to concentrate on my thoughts and rein them in a bit. I find myself worrying about the future that I have NO control over. I worry about my parents, kids, grand kids and feel guilty that Rich, at almost 60 years-old still puts in twelve hour days to provide for us. As he left for work this morning I could see the stress in his face. I can't imagine having ten different families depending on me to keep a business going so they can survive. If I think about it too much I could make myself mentally sick, again. As I get older, sometimes I feel like I'm not doing what I am suppose to be doing. Is this really what life is all about? Doing the same chores over and over again, day after day? I was telling Rich last night that sometimes I feel like there isn't anything to look forward to anymore. It was fun with Spencer playing in the NFL to read about the teams and what was going on and now there isn't even that in our lives anymore. Life is changing as we try and endure those adversities we are given and serve where needed. Now if I could just find me a money tree, that would solve all my problems.

What Cross Are You Carrying?

For the last couple of months the weeks have just flown by. With the holidays and then the baby shower I hosted, my life was out of control. Every week I would think, "next week will be better or easier." That never happened as the stress just kept mounting. This week we had two momma dogs have puppies. The first one breezed through labor and delivery and so far the puppies look amazing. The other dog went in to labor but had complications, so I spent most of Wednesday in the vet's office while they did a C-Section on her. There were seven puppies, four of which were born with various birth defects and died. The other three were born with some issues with breathing, as we think they are a little bit premature. They have been staying with a friend who has experience with these kinds of issues with feeding puppies born too soon. This morning as I went out to feed my flock I was reflective of this week and my life in general. Why is it that sometimes things go as planned and everything works out and other times we have these trials that seem to come out of nowhere? Spencer called the other day and is not going back to the Patriots. He had a two year contract but that doesn't mean anything in the NFL. So now they need to make some important decisions. Hopefully this will get them back to the West where it would be easier to go visit them. He is smart and I know he and Annie will get an opportunity to move on, no matter what that may be. I never have liked the Patriots anyway, so I'm happy as can be. As I think of all the problems in the world and even within my own family, I wonder "why" do we have these challenges? I found this little book while unstacking my sitting room. It is called "The Power of Adversity." As I read I came upon a section called, "There is Power in Laboring under Your Cross." "What kind of cross do you bear? What is its shape, weight, size, or dimension? We all have them. Some are very visible, while others are not always evident. Sometimes the heaviest personal cross could be to carry no cross at all. Some of the crosses we bear are these: the cross of loneliness; the cross of physical limitations--the loss of a leg, an arm, hearing, seeing, mobility--obvious crosses. Maybe the cross of poor health; the cross of transgression; the cross of success; the cross of temptation; the cross of beauty, fame, or wealth; the cross of financial burndens' the cross of criticism; the cross of peer rejection. Anyway at the end he says, "Carry your crosses with strength, with purpose, and while you do, count the blessings of God's strength." Marvin J. Ashton. So we are all here to suffer under some kind of cross, now being of good cheer is a little bit harder for me to do, but I'm trying really hard.