Snickerdoodles and Swimming

I've been enjoying the great Arizona summer weather this week. It's only going to be 117 degrees this weekend, who wouldn't love to live here? Rich left early this morning to run up to Eagar to do a few things for my Dad at the cabin. I tried to go back to sleep but kept going over and over some thoughts in my head, so I decided to just get up and start my routine. I fed the dogs and got all the laundry together and the phone rang. It was my friend wanting to know if I was up to exercising in the pool. I don't think I've ever been swimming earlier than 7:00 a.m. but it was quite enjoyable. The water temps were around 88 degrees so we spent about an hour doing things that aren't possible on land and lots of visiting. Mindi's three little guys were up and saw me in my bathing suit so they joined us. While we were getting out of the pool Trace asked me if I knew how to make snickerdoodle cookies. I assured him I knew how and I would teach him how to make them, so he and Trent came down and we made a batch. Mindi called it a "Grandma bonding experience," whatever. Yesterday I got a call from a family member who was checking on me to see how I was surviving. After giving my sob story about how hard life is for me right now with the economy, Mindi on bed rest, the hideous heat, and my sadness of being so dependent on others, I got a little lecture. The main thing that matters in life is our relationships with others. I am in such a rut I don't even know what I could do that would make me happy. It's hard not to just give up and say to heck with it. I was thinking this morning about how simple things were years back. I felt in control and life was going well. Life always has a way of making you realize that we really aren't in control of any of this. Adversity is just part of this life and I need to do better at learning how to deal with it. I look around and I know it could be worse, I'm thankful for my little trials, not really, but I'm trying to be.

I Know I'm Crazy

At almost sixty years old I wonder why my life seems to be like the movie "Groundhog Day," where I do the same things over and over again. These last few weeks I've been consumed with trying to figure out how to stop the insanity around me, I have some ideas but they all cost lots of money that I don't have right now. Last night as I was feeding my animals I could tell that one of my rabbits was having a really hard time. Rabbits are really sensitive to the heat, unlike a dog who pants to cool off, rabbits don't really have a cool down mechanism. When I woke up at 4 a.m. I decided when it got light I would go out and catch my rabbits and put them on the porch in cages in front of a cooler Rich has hooked up for them. When I finally pulled myself out of bed I went to Mindi's to recruit some helpers for my rabbit rescue. I only had one volunteer, Trace. He was a reluctant helper but with the promise of a Blizzard he went to help me catch rabbits and bring cages up on the porch. It took me at least two hours to get them all situated and I still didn't have my dishes or laundry even started. With the temps hovering around 115 degrees for the next few days my outlook on life has become quite grimm. From the Fall to Spring I can deal with all these animals but when the heat hits I wonder what the heck I'm doing having a petting zoo in my backyard at anytime. When I was down with my hip Mindi did all the feeding, now with her on bed rest it's my turn to keep the critters alive. I find myself resenting my kids who for two weeks are in California on the beach with the 60 degree temps. Ethan left his dogs for me to take care of and Candi left Major's goldfish to feed. We have about six acres in the White Mountains we could build a cabin on, but how can I leave my home and critters and sit in a rocking chair in the cool pines? I guess I'm venting, the heat takes a huge toll on my outlook on life, it's not just the heat. Oh well, we only have about four more months before it cools down a little bit, I survived this long I guess until I'm called home I'll be here doing what I do best, complaining.

"Adversity is Part of the Pattern"

This week has been a bummer for me. Candi, Ethan and their families have gone to California to spend time with Candi's in-laws at the beach. Dave left Thurs. with the boys and his mom to San Diego to watch Trace play in a national football tournament there. Tristyn has been playing in a volleyball festival tournament all week in downtown Phoenix, so it's been a boring week. Yesterday I decided to shampoo some of my carpets that look a little dirty from all these animals, irrigation and kids I need to finish today and get my house put back together. I know I'm bored when I start deep cleaning. I still haven't heard from the doctor about my test results last week. I had a friend read the report to me but it meant nothing because I don't understand all the medical terms. All I know it that I'm tired of living in pain and being crippled. I've been getting in the pool as much as I can to try and see if the exercise will help it, but I'm not sure if it's helping or hurting. I may have to bite the bullet and go get a shot to relieve the pain so I can sleep. I'm fighting the discouragement that comes with having high expectations that haven't come to fruition. I'm almost finished reading the book "A Disciple's Life, The Biography of Neal A. Maxwell." The chapter I read this morning talked about all the different books he wrote. He wrote a lot about the Savior and how we need to strive to be more like him. He also wrote a lot about adversity. One of his quotes was, "adversity must be part of the pattern rather than always an aberration." He also wrote of the Atonement saying,"the full intensiveness of the Atonement involved bearing our pains, infirmities, and sicknesses as well as our sins." I have lots of sins, pains and infirmities so hopefully someday I will be able to overcome parts of myself that aren't working for me right now. Mindi has one more week until she can go off the medicine to stop her labor. I know she is getting tired of staying down because she is such a "go getter", she even wanted me to go with her to watch Tristyn play. I said, "are you kidding me right now? you only have one more week of this hell and then the real hell starts. Being up with a newborn all night." That sounds dreadful to me, I'm glad it's her having a baby and not me, but I can't wait to see this little precious spirit. I keep praying for her safe delivery and hope she will be strong enough to come home with Mindi from the hospital.

The Heat Is On, Super Hero Capes

This is the time of year we all HATE living in Arizona. Up until now the weather has been bearable even below average, but we can always expect June to be horribly hot. I think it's suppose to be around 113 degrees today. This morning I got an early start on feeding the animals because I knew it was going to be a doozy. Ethan and Jenn had been nice and taken Mindi's kids for a couple of days so she could rest. The problem with that is I don't have any help feeding the herd. Anyway, as I got out I noticed that the mister for the chickens was broken, so with it being so hot I had Trace go in and lift it out for me to fix. While he was in the chicken coop he noticed five baby chicks under their mommas. Are you kidding me? I don't want anymore chickens! Yes, Ethan I know that if you have roosters you are going to have baby chicks, that's why I've separated the roosters from the hens, I guess it was a little bit too late. I ended up lucking out because Ethan was here working and he had one of his guys fix my misters so what little good it does to cool them down, I'm just hoping nothing dies. Last week when I talked to Spencer he asked me if I would make a cape for his sons Tyton and Gunnar. I am not the worlds best seamstress but I told him I would try. I went to the store last week and bought a pattern and some material and went to work. It took me a few hours for two days to make these capes. I guess they have been watching some movie about superheroes and that made them want capes. Tyton wanted a green one with the initial T on it, There are so many different shades of green and some of the colors were ugly and some of the material was crap, so Tristyn picked out this wild shade of green, I hope he likes it. For Gunnar I had bought some blue material but it looked so plain I decided to make his out of U of A material and lined it with the blue silky material. I have eight total grandsons so hopefully they won't all want a super hero cape, otherwise I'm in trouble. I guess it's a good thing Mindi is on bed rest because it sure is too hot to go outside and do anything until around October, wow that's a long time to be a shut in.

Surviving Father's Day

Last Friday I asked a friend what she was doing for Father's Day. Her answer was, "nothing, I don't have a father, the only Father I have is my Heavenly Father." I then went on to ask her about her father and found out that he had passed away. I felt bad for her as she told me that he wasn't that great of a father to her when he was alive. Yesterday we had the whole clan over to celebrate with my Dad. He's 82 this year and has had prostate cancer the last nine years, so every year we have him for this holiday is a blessing. My relationship with my Dad is complicated as he was hard on me growing up, no doubt I deserved a lot of the discipline the was inflicted on me. I still don't think Fathers really know what affect they have on their children as they raise them. I'm thankful that my sons and son-in-laws are wonderful fathers and their children love them. Spencer had to speak in church yesterday, I wish I could have been there to listen to him, he's special to me. Last night as I was fighting the pain in the hip I barely got to sleep when Mindi came in to tell me she was going to the hospital. I know she did way too much yesterday and was having contractions every six to eight minutes. It is still too early for her to deliver this baby so they gave her two shots to stop the labor and hopefully stall the birth for a couple of weeks. Life seems so challenging for me right now as I'm trying to help Mindi, help myself, and deal with some disappointing relationships in my life. Every time we get together is a reminder that someone is missing and I hate it. Hopefully in time it will get easier as I move on through the trials I've been given to endure.

Mustard Seed of Faith

I've been having so much fun this week it's been hard to find time to stop to write my feelings down. Do you believe that? Anyway, it's scary to see just how fast the time is going by for me. Mindi is still in bed and hopefully we can make it through a couple more weeks so the baby won't have to be in the NICU at all. We are hoping she will be able to come home with Mindi from the hospital, that's our prayer for her. Last week when I went to the doctor they gave me a few things that could be going on in my hip. They suggested a shot of pain reliever in my joint but I let the fear get to me and wouldn't let them do it. After suffering all week I am disappointed that I let fear govern my life, I should have had the shot. On Wed. I went and had a bone scan. There again, I was so afraid that it would hurt and I was so scared. My darling cousin works at EVDI and she does this test so it was so nice to go and have her explain everything to me. Other than a little shot to put in the isotopes, the test was a breeze. The doctor hasn't called but hopefully they didn't find anything too alarming. I'm praying about that too, I really don't want to go through another surgery. I have such a simple life, because of my anxiety I don't drive and with Mindi down I'm basically a "shut in." When I went to get my test I was amazed at all the people going in and out of that place. I realized that it isn't just me who is suffering, there are hundreds of others going through their own troubles. There was an elderly man who was going in for the same test I was who had his leg amputated. He was having problems with his prosthetic leg hurting him so they were looking at a spot on the stump of his leg. There was also a woman who had already had both hips and knees done with great success except this last knee is giving her problems. As I was lying in bed Wed. night I realized how easy it is to be all consumed with our own trials without thinking of just how many others are suffering too. My friend came over and we were exercising in the pool. Her son was killed in a motorcycle accident a few years ago. We were talking about childbirth, surgeries and losing a child. All these challenges give us experience and education that otherwise we wouldn't have gotten. We decided that unless someone has "been there, done that, and gotten the T shirt," you really can't understand or comprehend what others are going through. I know I've been told many, many times that I have NO FAITH. I try to use my little mustard seed of faith, but I continue to struggle in the "things will work out for my good," category. Some day I hope to be able to see the big picture and realize that life is an experience I was sent her to live and learn as much as I can before going home.

Shower, Doctor, The Atonement

Food table at the shower
Mindi at the punch bowl
Mell, Candi and Jessica

The weeks are going by so fast it becomes a blurr to me. My life is truly passing me by as I struggle to keep up with everything that needs to be done. Last Thurs. a few family members and friends threw Mindi a simple little surprise baby shower. She is suppose to be on bed rest so we were all worried it may not happen, but she was able to come and feel the love of those who came to support her. This is her fifth baby so she wasn't that keen on having a shower, but because it has been thirteen years since her last baby girl, she didn't have anything pink. Thank you to everyone who supported her and all the work that was done on her behalf. Before the shower I had a doctors appointment to try to find out why the pain continues to make my life a living hell. They took an x-ray and then gave me some "maybe causes" and "maybe solutions," but as I left the doctor's office my head was spinning. No I didn't want a shot in my hip to take the pain out if it was bursitis. No I don't want to get a bone scan to see if maybe the lining of the new hip has slipped out of place or my bone hasn't healed onto the metal hip causing scar tissue to form. For sure NO I don't want to go into surgery to fix this $25,000 replacement part that I had hoped would be the answer to my crippleness and even my grouchiness. Are those even words? Anyway, it is frustrating when you go through something as hard as a major surgery and at times don't see any improvement. I know I need lots of prayers and personal revelation before I will go through that again. The problem is that it may come down to can I live like this for the rest of my life? Or is it so bad I'm willing to go back into surgery? Today in church it was all on the Atonement. I'm not a scriptorium or a genius when it comes to understanding this subject. It sounds so simple when you hear someone say that the Savior has suffered for all the pains, sicknesses, sins, heartache, disappointments and even the loss of our beloved Kamber. I have a hard time grasping that concept even though I have a testimony of it's truth. One of the statements made was that when we go through trials we can "either become more humble and grateful or we can become bitter." I'm trying really hard to not be bitter but at times I must admit that's the way I roll.I know everyone is going through some trial and I'm thankful for my own personal struggles, hopefully I'm learning what I need to before I return home from where I came. One of the quotes from church was "sadness and fear will be replaced with joy and peace if we put or trust in our Savior Jesus Christ." That's what I'm striving for this week.

Life's Little Challenges, I Love It

Yesterday morning a friend of mine came over and we exercised in the pool. When I'm in the water it's fun to be able to walk and move freely, something that is difficult on land. After she left I was busy doing my five loads of laundry and cleaning up my kitchen from Sunday dinner. At about noon I started getting the worst headache and my arms, neck and back were aching. I even felt like I was running a fever. I spent the rest of the day self medicating myself with pain relievers and a nap. I was happy when these symptoms went away at around 9:00 p.m. when I took a hot bath and went to bed. This morning I went with Candi to run errands. She has me go with her to sit in the car with her boys while she runs in to different beauty supplies to stock up on stuff for work. We are both really passionate people and because we are SO much alike, in some areas, it can get quite loud in the car. When you add in three little boys fighting over blocks and whining it was quite an experience. I'm always glad to get home and go in to my quilting room and work on a project. This week I'm concentrating on getting Mindi's soon to be born baby her quilts and wardrobe put together. This is the third baby she has been put on bed rest because of pre-term labor scares. I hope the last. When I was having babies I got so big that when I couldn't take it any longer I got brave and downed the castor oil, hoping to bring on labor. Now I worry everyday that this little spirit will be born too soon and with that comes complications I don't want to deal with. Jenn is also having a little problem with her pregnancy with some unwanted bleeding so we are praying for her. This experience we call mortal life can be quite challenging for me. I ask myself all the time if it's just me or is everyone going through stuff that tests their faith and testimony. Maybe it's the "you are the most negative person on earth" syndrome that makes my head spin. Whatever it is I wish I could change it because my life would be way easier, oh I forgot it's suppose to be hard right?

Another Day in "Paradise"

Life has been crazy for me the last couple of weeks. We have had four parties at my house and even though it's lots of fun it's also a lot of work. This morning as I was stripping the sheets off my bed to put in the wash I was having a little pity party in my mind. I had woken up at 5:oo a.m. to two hungry puppies and a list of chores a mile long to get done today. I was having so many negative thoughts about my situation right now, I was making myself crazy. Rich and Dave are super busy trying to keep us in our house and food on the table and Mindi and I are trying to keep things under control here at home. Mindi needs to stay down as much as possible to keep from going in to labor and being hospitalized. If that happens I WILL be "out of control." Last night I needed to go to the grocery store and Rich had promised he would take me. When he got home from working a ten hour day he looked so tired and said, "if we are going we need to go now because I'm out of gas." I hate going food shopping with a guy who is tired and grouchy and not really wanting to go, I was sure a fight would happen. So I called a good friend of mine and asked if she minded taking me. It was fun visiting with her and I so appreciated her willingness to help me. As I was going through all my challenges I started thinking about all the people in Northern Arizona who are going through a terrible trial with the forest fire. They are evacuating hundreds of people and don't know when they will be able to get this huge fire under control. The thought came in to my mind, "at least you still have a home." Everywhere I look there are trials and challenges, I guess that is what this mortal life is all about. I never have been a big fan of adversity but it seems to like me. Anyway, today is just another one of those days in "Paradise."

No More Animals for Me!

After the stress of these last few days I can see why some people choose not to have animals. Besides my usual chickens, rabbits turtles and fish, we have been dog and bird sitting for some friends in our ward. They are going to be gone for three weeks on vacation, so I need to suck it up and try to get through the remaining two. The problem is we have five puppies and three adult dogs plus one who comes during the day to play while her owner works. It is challenging to try and keep the puppies safe from the dangers that lurk outside, plus make sure the big dogs don't bother them. Yesterday morning I woke up to some strange howling noise in the backyard. I looked out my bathroom window to find one of the baby golden retrievers in my fish pond. He must have fallen in and then when he tried to get out got stuck between two rocks. So out I went in my nightgown trudging through the sprinklers to pull him to safety. He was now a green dog because of the algae in the pond so I needed to give him a bath. That put me in a bad mood the rest of the day even though it was Candi's birthday and we would be celebrating with her. After the shindig of a party I had Rich and Dave make a fence to keep the big puppies out of danger and Mindi brought the little Shih Tzus in her house. What a pain in the butt these little guys are, Bella is tired of nursing them so they just follow her around whining. Mindi is suppose to be on bed rest so that makes it even harder trying to make the kids help and keep her down. Hopefully we will be able to handle this without loss of life or limb, say a prayer for us.