More Gratitude=More Guidance

Mindi left early this morning to watch Tristyn play in a volleyball tournament in Phoenix. She left her three little darlings with me to keep from burning the house down or some other crises. We went out and fed all the critters before they left to go to Golfland with friends. Annie came and took Troy and Tyton to see the new Toy Story movie, so I took a little break and read my scriptures and book. I hurt my back again yesterday carrying my heavy sacks of groceries in to my house, so I'm moving pretty slow today.
I ran in to an old friend in the grocery store yesterday. She is a darling girl who lived by us down in Lehi. She has since divorced and moved to Chandler. She asked me how all my kids were doing. I told her that we are expecting our 13 and 14th grandchildren soon, she said, "I can't get any of my kids to even get married." As I walked out of the store and later that evening as I told Rich about my visit with her, I felt so bad for her, but disappointed with myself. At times I feel so overwhelmed with the extremely important responsibility of being a grandmother, when I should be so grateful. In my reading this morning it was all about keeping a "gratitude journal." How when we pray we need to stop asking for so many blessings and just thank our Heavenly Father for the abundance that we have. It is easy for me to limp around my house in pain, complaining about all the dishes, laundry, floors to mop, bathrooms to clean, and all the monotonous chores I need to do. Instead I need to look at how many blessings I have. In my little book the author says that the more gratitude we show the more guidance we will receive. Heaven knows I could use some guidance right now.
My sister sent me an email yesterday that had cute little stories about grandparents. One said,"My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and said,"No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied. This reminded me of myself, old.

My Purpose For Being Here

It's been one week since we had to put our last golden retriever Hannah to sleep. Len and Julie have also been gone almost a week and are driving to Washington to start their mission. I am convinced that as we age the time seems to go by faster and faster. I got a call while getting ready for church from my Mom telling me that a dear friend in the ward I grew up in Scottsdale passed away this morning while in the hospital. He has been sick for a long time so my Dad's old "death is merciful" quote applies to him.
Spencer and Annie made it down from Colorado safely and it's always fun to see them. They will be in and out for the next four weeks before returning to start the 2010 football season. Dave's sister Kathy and her four children have been staying here for the last two weeks while her kids were performing in a musical play at Mesa Community. They left this morning to go back to Wilcox. It's always hard having company staying in your house.
I don't know if it's the heat or just my inability to deal with stress but I have been feeling like I need to run away, crawl in a hole, join the Peace Corps or just plain curl up in the fetal position in my messy sewing room for a day or two. Yesterday Rich and I were up at 5:00 a.m. because sat. is the only day he has to fix things around here. When you have two acres of land, a pool, rabbits, chickens, ponds full of fish, four dogs again, (Spencer brought me his puppy to raise), and so on... we really need a full time landscaper and veterinarian on staff. Since we can't afford that, we have a "do it yourself " operation going on over here. Anyway, Rich was in and out going to the church to get it cooled down for a youth activity, then went out to Candi's to water her plants and trees while they are vacationing in cool California. He got a call from a neighbor with septic problems, asked me to make something for a wedding open house he was attending before he had to go back to the church and chaperon the activity from 7:30-11:00 p.m.
At about 6:00 p.m. I couldn't get a hold of him to see if he wanted me to drizzle chocolate over his fruit so I just went ahead and was doing that when the doorbell rang at Mindi's. It was the Halcombs wanting to know if Trent could go to a wedding reception with them. Mindi and Dave were with Tristyn at a volleyball scrimmage at Highland High so I hurried and got him ready. The only clothes I could find in his closet was a shirt that was too small and pants that were too big. So I put those on him, combed his hair and out he went. As he was getting into their car Spencer and Annie pulled up and needed to leave their two little boys with me while they went out to eat with some of her family. I was starving by then and wanted to go to Outback Steak, Applebees, Chilis, or even McDonalds but Mindi had made chili and cornbread. Since I don't like chili I ate a meatloaf Lean Cuisine yummy. It wasn't the end to a wonderful sat. night I had anticipated. I continue to struggle with the "glass being half full" instead of my usual "totally empty" outlook on life. I did survive the week and can't wait to see what next week brings. I continue to read my self help books and scriptures hoping to someday find my true purpose for being here on earth.

"When You Can't Do It Alone"

A couple of months ago my mother, sister and two sister -in -laws and I went to lunch at Crackers to celebrate all of our birthdays before Julie left for the mission. It was really fun to get together and just laugh and visit, I think I was gone around three or four hours. On the way home Julie asked if it was okay if we stopped at Deseret Book because she needed to pick up a gift for someone. While I was there I decided to purchase two books that had been recommended to me. My life has been so crazy with cleaning and remodeling the hall bathroom that I didn't have time to read. To tell you the truth, I was in such a mess I couldn't even find them. Well, the other day I found them in my "catch all" room so this morning I pulled one out and started reading it. It is about a newly called mission president who struggles with major emotional problems (anxiety, depression) while trying to run the mission.
Lennie (as we always called him growing up) and I were very close. We were the middle children. When my parents needed to leave town or my Mom was hospitalized, they would take Lennie and I to someone to watch and would take my older sister Mell and my baby brother Ben with them. I have to admit that being left behind has caused me some "bruising of my little spirit," but hopefully I can work through these issues in therapy. As I was reading this book called "When You Can't Do It Alone Take The Savior's Hand", by Brent L. Top, I couldn't help but feel an enormous amount of worry for the welfare of my brother. Someone asked me the other day if I was going to miss him. I can honestly say that since he was called to be a Bishop and then Stake President we never really saw much of him. He was just so busy working in his law practice and with church responsibilities that we only saw him on special occasions. As I was reading about this mission presidents experience it reminded me of my own trials and my concern for my brother and I began to cry.
In the first chapter he talks about the stress of being a mission president. He says, "instead of experiencing the joy the Lord has promised to those in His service, I felt bogged down, overburdened, and burned-out." He felt like he was playing a game of Whack-a-Mole where you whack down one problem and immediately two more pop up. I'm only in the second chapter and I know I will never be on a mission, but we all have our trials and hardships to endure. I know we can't do it alone. He says that when he had his breakdown his wife just kept telling him to "focus on Christ." I recommend this book to anyone who is going through a trial that they can't handle on their own, which is pretty much all of us. All I can do is pray for help and "Take the Savior's Hand."

Hippos Have Bad Hips Too

As soon as I say the heat hasn't been that bad the temperature shoots up to 111 degrees. I just talked to Spencer to see how far they have gotten coming from Colorado and when I told him what the temp is, all I heard was "sweet, I can't wait."

Yesterday I waited until about 6:00 p.m. before I was brave enough to go out to swim. Mindi had to go to Mutual, Tristyn had volleyball practice and Trace and Trent were over playing with friends. So Troy and I went out to have a one on one swimming session. He is so funny and has lots of personality. Because the other kids are in school he usually goes with us everywhere when we run errands. He is really special to me. Anyway, after we swam for a few minutes I said, "Troy why don't you go jump off the diving board." So over he went and jumped off. He then swam over to me and said, " Grandma, do you want to jump off the diving board?" I said, "Troy I have a really bad hip and I don't dare jump off the diving board." He then said, "hippos have bad hips." I said, "well I'm not a hippo quite yet." He then said, "I know you aren't a hippo, you are grandma." Most of the time I think he is a precious little boy, but at times he has his moments when I threaten to spank his butt. I don't think grandmas should spank their grand kids. He loves the baby rabbits and we have to really watch him because he will sneak out and take them out of their box. Yesterday he came in to ask if he could hold a baby. I told him they were out in the pen and to wait until later because it was too hot. I had to tell him a little fib, they were really in my bathroom in the cool. Pretty soon Mindi came in worried and went out looking for him. She then went found him out in the pen with the chickens and rabbits looking for the baby bunnies. Pretty soon he will be in school and I won't have anyone to hang out with. That will be a sad day for me. At least I learned that hippos have bad hips too.

Life Is Moving Forward

I was thinking this morning how fast the summer is going by. It really hasn't been that hot, although today when Mindi and I went out to Candi's house to water her plants I thought we were going to die it was so hot. She went to California to visit her in-laws at the beach. It must be rough! Len and Julie made it up to Utah and were set apart as missionaries yesterday. Three years is a long time to be gone away from your family. I admire them for their consecrated lives. I would like to just get away for a few days, but with all the responsibilities I have with my pets and house it would almost be impossible. I feel like I stay home and keep the home fires burning while everyone else does what they want. I know this is my own fault and I have brought this on myself . At times I do feel like my life is passing me by. I spent twenty years being a stay at home Mom but worked my way out of that job. I've been unemployed since Spencer left on his mission in 2003. On Sunday we took the last pictures of my family for the next three years. Hopefully we will all be here when they return in 2013.

Next month will be the two year mark since Kamber returned to our Heavenly Father. I was talking to Jenn about it yesterday by the pool. It seems like we are moving towards the final stage of grief which is the acceptance part. I have been stuck on several of the stages especially denial and anger, but I am slowly realizing that I am truly powerless over this adversity. There wasn't anything I could have done to prevent it. It has taken lots of work and tears to try and feel peace and joy again in my life.

I continue to work on my quilts. I made two for Jenn's shower for baby Max. They turned out so cute. I made one blue and yellow one and a blue and brown one with monkeys on it. In the last few weeks I have had at least four of my grandchildren tell me they need a new quilt. So I've been brainstorming on what theme I could do for each of them. It is good for me to go in my sewing room and just create something that I think will be appreciated by these little children. Kamber loved her quilts so with every stitch I think about her. I hope she knows that.

Fathers in my Life

I woke up this morning feeling so guilty that because of all the drama yesterday I hadn't even told my Dad or Husband how much I love and appreciate them. I seem to get my priorities wrong when I'm going through a crisis and it was so stressful yesterday. I need to repent and acknowledge those who have made my life so abundant.

My Dad is a wonderful, faithful and spiritual person. He has been a Bishop and serves in the Temple with my Mom even though he has had two hip replacements, one new knee and battling prostate cancer. He loves to golf and still with all his bionic parts seems to hit the golf ball well enough to beat all his old cronies.

Yesterday celebrating Father's Day!

My Husband has a heart of gold and service is his best quality. If anyone needs help he is always willing to step in and do what is necessary. Because he has chosen to run his own contracting business we haven't had the life of luxury or spare time to vacation or travel. If he isn't working day in and day out the bills don't get paid. Sometimes that has been hard to explain to our children that we can't just take off for a week or two to Disneyland or the beach.

Hiking Havasupai.

The other Fathers in my life that make me so proud are the Fathers of my grandchildren. My two sons and sons-in-law. Because Mindi and Dave live so close I depend on Dave to do lots of things for me that Rich doesn't have time or isn't here to do. He may complain to Mindi, but he is always so kind and willing to jump in and I love him for that. I know he loves his children. I think Mindi really lucked out having him for her husband. Ethan is like Rich in that he has a heart of gold and would do anything or give all he has to make others happy. He works hard to provide for his little girls and Jenn and I am so proud of the man he has become. Spencer is a hands on kind of Dad. I think he has changed as many diapers as Annie has. At least when they are here I always see him help with the little darlings they have. He is a softy when it comes to his kids and I never see him get angry or out of control with them. B.J. is a wonderful dad. He takes care of the boys because Candi loves her job and wants to continue working. When I see him with his boys he is so kind and patient with them. Men aren't suppose to be the nurturing kind, but I think he does so good with them.

Dave's favorite place to take his family...Disneyland!

Ethan and Rich at our last trip to the lake.

The day of Kamber's funeral and Gunnar's birth.

Christmas last year.

Before Rich left this morning he said,"today is your favorite day, the day after Father's Day." I told him he was making up stories in his head. Anyway, I guess he didn't "feel the love" yesterday. I need to do better at planning my breakdowns and crises around that special day for Fathers.

Happy Day, Sad Day!

What a day! I am so glad this week is over. I hope to start fresh tomorrow. Today is Father's Day and I usually don't mind trying to be nice for this special day. I like it way better than Mother's Day. I knew it would be an emotional day because my brother Len and his wife Julie will be leaving tomorrow morning for the MTC. They will be set apart on Tuesday as Mission President and Julie as his companion for three years in Washington. We had the usual herd of family in and out and I had my parents over for dinner before everyone else showed up for dessert.

The problem was that I had a real crisis brewing in my house. In 1994 Rich bought our first golden retriever named Haley. She was a beautiful and smart dog so I decided I wanted to get a male for her companion pet. I found a handsome, masculine dog and named him Harley. He was the sweetest dog ever and I loved him. Haley was a hunter and would kill everything, but Harley was just a gentle giant of a dog. They ended up having about ten puppies that I sold in about an hour. I was so distraught over loosing the puppies that I went out and bought another female named Hannah in 1996. Well, Haley and Harley have both passed on. This week Hannah, who I knew wasn't doing well, stopped getting up on about Tuesday. She would still eat and drink but I couldn't get her to stand up and get off the porch. She lost all control of her back legs and bladder so she just layed on a carpet rug with flies swarming around her. I tried to call our friend who is a vet but they said he was out of town until Monday. I finally couldn't stand it any longer. She was suffering and I was praying that she would just die on her own. We finally put in a call to the wife's cell phone and she had him call us. He came over tonight and put Hannah to sleep. Why does life have to be so hard? It seems like I ask that everyday. As I was telling my Dad about my sadness, in his wisdom said, "it sounds like death was merciful for her." I am so thankful that Jake took time off from his family on Father's Day to come put her out of her misery. I know the sun will come up tomorrow and Hannah is up with Haley and Harley. I know Len and Julie will do great on their mission. Spencer called tonight and they are bringing their new puppy this week. So I will be back up to four dogs again. I don't know if my heart can do this again. It's too hard saying goodbye.

"Dodged a Bullet"

The Candy Bar

Mindi's Cupcake Tower that took all week to make. The top is a real cupcake! So Cute!!!

The dark cloud has lifted. I wrote a post a few days ago but it never felt right, so I decided to try again today. This has been a crazy week. Mindi and I have been working really hard putting the final touches on Jenn's baby shower last night. I know we overdo everything but when we decide to do something we want it to be nice. We appreciate all those who helped with the food and came and supported her, I know she really appreciated it. We love Ethan, Jenn and their family and are so excited to welcome this little baby boy and pray everyday he will be born healthy and strong. We feel the same about Spencer and Annie's little girl due in August.

Yesterday morning my cleaning girl came but she's been sick for a few weeks. I knew she still wasn't feeling well so I helped her do the final cleaning and setting up chairs and tables. As I walked past my kitchen sink I could hear some gurgling sounds and I realized that our septic tank was about to overflow again. I hurried down to Mindi's to tell her to go let her sister-in-law know what was going on and to stop all the showers and toilet flushing in the back part of my house where they had been staying all week. It has been one year since we had the flood that ruined our master bath and I have just barely gotten my house almost where I want it to be, I couldn't have another flood, not on the day of the shower. So I spent the rest of the day conserving what water I could. I think I "dodged a bullet." It reminded me of Murphy's Law which is that "anything that can go wrong probably will."

As I got ready for bed I knew I was in big trouble. All the abuse I put on my poor arthritic hip had now snowballed into a pain so bad I couldn't get into bed or in a position that I could sleep. I almost called 911 to get an ambulance ride over to the hospital. Anyway, I lived through the night and got Mindi's kids to help me go out to feed the animals this morning. Why does life have to be so hard? If it isn't emotional pain it's physical. Anyway, I guess it is time to finally see a surgeon. I've been putting it off for a long time hoping it would heal on it's own but I don't think a miracle is in the cards for me this time. It's sad that as you age all the injuries and trauma that happens to your body when you are young comes back to bite you in the behind when you get my age. I am thankful that I have opportunities to share my home and talents with others. Seriously, I'm so blessed.

Service With a Smile

The phone rang early yesterday morning sending me in to a panic. It was my son Ethan wanting to talk to me. I always assume something is terribly wrong when I hear from any of my children that early. He asked me if I could come out and help Jenn who was overwhelmed being eight months pregnant and trying to put away all their stuff he had been moving over all week. We hurried and fed the animals and started a load of wash and headed out to Queen Creek with Mindi and her four children. As we turned from Elliot on to Ellsworth we pulled behind a huge U-Haul truck and Ethan's truck and trailer being driven by a friend. I told Mindi to hurry up and pass them so we could wave to Tayler and Kylie who Jenn had told me were riding with Ethan. As Mindi pulled next to them we rolled our windows down, honked and waved to them. I don't know what came over me but I started to cry. I was so full of emotion seeing that big truck with my son and grand daughters heading out to the house they will be living in. It reminded me of fourteen years ago when we left the dream home I loved in Lehi because of some difficulty we were having with one of our children. I remember it was around the 4th of July and it was 115 degrees. I truly thought I was going to die moving all of our stuff we had accumulated over the twenty years we had been married then. Unlike Ethan and Jenn's home we were moving in to a piece of crap. A house that has taken us fourteen years to fix up and we are still not finished with it. All I know is it has been the best move we could have made. We don't know why trials happen in our lives and make us take a leap of faith hoping it will be a blessing down the road.
As we got there, Jenn was in a huge mess. I was so overwhelmed because I couldn't even see where to start. Well, Mindi decided to run to Target and get some garbage bags and ended up getting some bread, peanut butter and jelly, granola bars, chips and some drinks. The kids were so good and helped keep Brookie occupied with some bubbles and Mindi worked her magic and helped Jenn organize her kitchen. As we left we had hoped that we helped take some of the load off of Jenn. When we got in the car Trace asked if they were going to get paid for helping. Mindi said, "Absolutely not! We came out to do service. We will get blessings by serving where needed." I then told Trace that our Heavenly Father smiles and is so happy when we pitch in and help. We pray that this will be a good move for Ethan, Jenn and their little family. We sure love them and want the best for them.

"Don't Wish Your Life Away"

There is a quote by Albert Einstein that has been running through my mind the last couple of weeks. It is "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." As I get closer and closer to being a senior citizen you would think that at some point I would figure it out. That I would have enough life experience and knowledge to be able to deal with what comes my way. I sometimes think instead of getting wiser and more mature, I'm regressing into a child again. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and explaining how hard it has been since Kamber passed away. I'm not the same person I was two years ago. I've never been a really happy person who "scatters sunshine all along the way." I try to be a good person, but know I fall short over and over again. I sometimes blame others for my unhappiness. My Dad use to tell me to stop "wishing your life away." I would always think that happiness was just around the corner. When I can drive, when I can date, when I graduate from high school. How about when I go to college, get married, have this baby, these were all experiences that I thought would finally make me happy. Well, I think I am finally getting the picture. NO ONE can make me happy. It isn't any ones responsibility to make me happy. I have to find that all on my own. My friend also made me realize the flip side to the "no one can make you happy," syndrome. If no one can make me happy, then no one can really make me unhappy, that's my responsibility too. All these years of blaming my parents, ex- boyfriends, siblings, husband, children, so on and so forth is all just a big fantasy. My friend then went on to tell me that the only person that will help you be happy is Jesus Christ and the Atonement. I don't think I really realize how important that is in my life. I know the only person who truly loves me and thinks I am worthy to be called a daughter of God is my Heavenly Father. I'm sure this will be a constant struggle for me until I take my final breath. My eyes are open a little bit wider today, hopefully I will be able to mature into that senior citizen at some point in my life.

"No Good Deed Goes Unpunished"

What's that saying, "no good deed goes unpunished?" I have been feeling that way for a few days. Rich's secretary asked me a few months ago if I would take her rabbit. I tried to be nice and told her if it was a female I might be able to put it in with my bunnies. Well, she checked it out and brought it over. I did the sex check and didn't see any male parts so I put it in with my rabbits. I have raised rabbits for over twenty years. I have had holland, mini, angora and fuzzy lops, plus netherland dwarfs and just about all the other breeds. When the weather is nice rabbits are fun, but in the intense heat it takes coolers or misters to keep them from dying. Plus, if they get out of the pen the dogs love to kill and eat them which sends me over the edge. Anyway, I went out on Monday night to feed and saw that my big orange flemish giant was pulling hair and taking grass down in a hole she had dug in the pen. I knew we were in trouble as she sat under the misters panting really hard. She was in labor. Yesterday morning we went out and sure enough Mindi and Trace pulled fourteen baby bunnies out of the hole. The kids are all excited but trying to find homes for all these baby bunnies in the middle of the summer will be really hard. I told Amber that her rabbit is banished to the chicken pen and I can't assure her that he won't get eaten by the dogs so I think she has decided to take him home.

Seeing God Everyday

The other day I had a conversation with a young mother and asked if she was going to have any more children. She then went on to say that if she could be a "stay at home Mom" she might, but as long as she had to work she didn't think so. This brought up a whole set of emotions inside me. As I have talked about before my parents were both school teachers. When we were too young to go to school we were with a babysitter, then after we went to school we were alone a little while before they got home. When I was a young mother I tried to work. I had my degree and a teacher certificate, but I realized that I wasn't that fond of other people's children. So when I was pregnant with my third child I officially became unemployed. Now that I'm in my fifties I wish that I had pursued a career. Gotten up every morning, put makeup on, did my hair and got paid for doing something I loved to do. Back in the olden days the Prophets encouraged mothers to stay home and take care of their kids and not have a job to buy extras. Anyway, that is a whole different discussion. I know there are some Super Moms who can work, keep their houses spotless, cook delicious and healthy meals, but I wasn't one of them. I was lucky to get a shower and put deodorant on everyday when I had four kids under the age of seven. I have often wondered how my life would have been different if I had pursued a life out in the work force. Sometimes I feel really resentful that my husband always did what he wanted to do. He had the freedom to come and go as he pleased because I was a "stay at home Mom." I felt dependent on him for everything I had. The food I ate, the water I bathed in the bed I slept in. It kind of made me a recluse. Then when you add the anxiety and depression that followed my miscarriage it hasn't been that fun. I bought a book that Oprah suggested called, "Women Food and God", by Geneen Roth. I have just gotten through chapter four but I can relate to the women she talks about in her book. A couple of quotes from the book are, "How you spend your days is how you spend your life." I know at times I feel like it's Groundhog Day, I do the same thing everyday. The same dishes, the same laundry, feed the same animals. She then goes on to say the singer Pearl Bailey said, "People see God every day; they just don't recognize Him." Instead of looking in the past and all the "could of, should of and would ofs", I need to just start trying to see God in everything I do, no matter how menial it seems to be and show gratitude for the air I breath and the life I live. I truly have been blessed to have the wonderful family and friends, but the testimony I have that my Heavenly Father knows me, and loves me and wants me to have joy is the greatest gift.

Need To Drop My Bag of Rocks

I can't believe how fast the weeks are going by. The older I get the faster the time seems to flash before my eyes. As a kid it seemed like forever for Christmas and my birthday to come around. It seems like we just had the holidays and now it's almost the 4th of July. We are having a baby shower for Jenn in a couple of weeks. After four girls she is having a baby boy so she needs everything. I told Rich that I wanted my hall bathroom remodeled before the shower. It is the last of the original bathrooms to be torn out and new tile and marble put in. Ethan even made all new granite counters for the vanities. Well, the guys started on Monday with the demolition and should finish it tomorrow. I hate to complain because I will be so happy when it is done, but it makes a huge mess. There is so much dust and grit on my wood floor it drives me crazy, it's like walking on sand and it looks horrible.
I was getting ready to go to a baby shower tonight when Ethan called to say that Brookie hit her foot on a fan in their hallway and she was in pain and wouldn't walk on it. They wanted to know if we could help while they took her to get an x-ray. We were just going out the door so they just took the whole family to urgent care. I guess she did break a bone in the top of her foot and will need a cast. Poor Ethan and Jenn, they are trying to move, it's going to be hot as hell this weekend and now Brookie has a broken foot. Jenn won't be able to carry her chubby little body around and they need to be able to get her in the pool or she will not be happy being hot. They are hoping to find a doctor who will put a waterproof cast on.
Sometimes I feel like we just go from one trial to the next. Last week it was a funeral. This week a broken foot. What will tomorrow bring? I was talking to a friend the other day about trials in our lives. Other than Kamber, we have had it pretty good. We were talking about how angry at God you become when you have a tragedy happen in your life. I know that for two years I have been so angry that she wasn't saved. Then with time you finally begin to accept it and realize that we really don't have any control over our trials. We don't see the big picture nor understand . It will be interesting when we go to the other side to see just how many times we were helped and someone did step in on our behalf and save us from ourselves and our stupid actions. I sometimes feel like if I really understood the Atonement, and let it work for me in my life, I would be able to forgive those who I feel have wronged me and stop carrying that big bag of rocks around everyday. I think that is what Kamber would want me to do also, maybe I can drop a few small ones everyday until they are all gone. Sounds good to me.

A Memorial Weekend

We had a wonderful weekend with family, all of our children and grandchildren were together for the first time in a long while. Spencer and Annie left for Colorado but will be back for a month in July to visit until training camp starts. We went to the cemetery on Sunday evening where the whole herd of us walked from the starting point all the way where we ended at Kamber's grave. I think this year was easier for us all, but we will never forget her. My grandmother started decorating graves when my mother was still in high school. She once said that after she died we wouldn't continue the tradition. Well, we proved her wrong because it is an annual affair for all the brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins and now grand kids and great grand kids.

My second child (bless her heart) Candi's birthday is today. I still can't believe how old my children are getting. She is 31 this year. She was such a pistol when she was a teenager. She is lucky Rich and I didn't hurt her. She is so much fun now and has a good husband and two darling little boys. I still hope some day she will have a girl so she can experience the euphoria of having a teenage daughter with all the drama that brings.

I finished Troy's dinosaur blanket this morning. I was working on it steadily until I got sidetracked making a couple of baby shower gifts. I took it in to him and he was really excited. He has been using his baby quilts and has certainly outgrown them. Well, now Trent, Trace, Kylie, Tayler and Tristyn all think they need bigger and better quilts. I tell you I'm not going to be able to keep up with these fourteen kids. As soon as I get them done, they all want something different and larger. Oh well, I'm just thankful I have enough patience and time to be able to do something I love to do. I feel appreciated when I see how much they use them. Now that the weather is getting hot maybe they will forget about it until November.

"What Matters?"

Between a baby shower for Annie, a funeral and a birthday party at my house, my life is out of control. Spencer flew in Thurs. evening to join Annie and the boys for Memorial Day. He took us all to breakfast on Friday morning and that was a treat. The funeral for Dave's brother-in-law Craig was yesterday morning and we had Tayler's birthday party last night. I thought when you got old it would get easier and more relaxing, but I honestly think it gets way busier. You have more people to worry about and celebrate with.

Tonight we will join our extended family at the Mesa Cemetery to honor those we love who have passed away. I don't know if it is just stress or being tired that has stirred up some sadness and anxiety in my mind and heart. I remember a time that going to the cemetery was a social event that we went to so my Mom would quit nagging us about it. Now it has a whole new meaning for our family. I still can't believe it has been almost two years since Kamber passed away, it seems like just yesterday. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her and miss her cheerful little personality. I hope to be worthy to see her again.

As I was getting ready for the funeral yesterday I had a hard time controlling my emotions. I felt so bad for the six children and their mother who will not have a father or husband in this mortal life anymore. I was comparing losing a child to an accident and an adult with terminal cancer. Would it be better to know your loved one was going to pass on, or have a sudden death? I guess it doesn't really matter, they are both hard. The speakers were so good. I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote some things down. One said, "we need more loving and less judgement." Then the last speaker talked about "what matters?" He went through a whole list of things that don't matter, like how much stuff we have. When you get down to the time we pass away, and we will all get there someday, it only matters how you treated people. What service you rendered and if you showed, with your actions how much you loved your family. I always feel like I need to do better when I go to a funeral. I hate the idea of it, but I feel uplifted after.

Tayler is nine years old today. My grandchildren are getting so old. She is such a sweet little girl and we feel so lucky to have her in our family. It was nice to have all the grand kids together even for just a short time. By the end of the summer we will have two more grandchildren. I don't know if Rich and I can afford all these kids, but we sure love them all!

Really, Five Fortune Cookies?

This has been a crazy week. I started out with a touch of the flu but got off pretty easy this time. Last week when I was doing my Grand Motherly duty, (sitting in the car watching Troy sleep) while Mindi went in to Hobby Lobby, JoAnn's and Walmart, I opened up some fortune cookies. I am not a big fan of Chinese food but occasionally when we've had too many crazy subs or hamburgers we will get some Pandas to share. Anyway, I love fortune cookies so as I was sitting in the car I opened them up, read the saying and of course ate the cookies. The first one said, "Now is the time to set your sights high and "go for it". Well, that's nice but it really doesn't apply to me right now, I'm too old. The second one was "The sun will shine through your heart and warm your soul." I thought that was a wonderful thought but I'm not that crazy about the sun especially here in Arizona in the summer. The third one was "A cheerful greeting is on its way." I'm still waiting for someone to say something cheerfull to me.The fourth one said "Your sense of humor is enjoyed by all." Well I don't know about that, I'm the kind of a person who you either really like or you really don't. I am embarrassed to say that I ate five of those little cookies but the last one said, "You may be called upon to help a friend." I really do try to be a good friend. It was so nice on my birthday to have so many well wishers, I hope I am as good of a friend to them as they are to me.
As I mentioned earlier in the week Dave's brother-in-law Craig passed away last Saturday. The family has been busy planning the funeral and Patti asked Mindi to make a book for people to sign at the funeral. She has been working on it all week, and finally finished it today. It is a wonderful book of memories and pictures of their family. I have had little flashbacks of the week after Kamber passed away. It now seems like a dream. I know it happened and I remember what we did, but I also know that most of that week I was in a fog. I remember every act of service, every meal that was brought in, all the flowers and plants and especially the cards and letters from family and friends. Those things will never be forgotten. They are etched into my mind and heart. I know what Patti and her children are going through and they have some long sad days ahead. But I know that because of their testimonies of Jesus Christ and the Atonement they will be able to move forward in faith and realize that they will be united with their husband and father again. That is my prayer for them.

Panic in Hobby Lobby!

Yesterday Mindi needed to run some errands so I went along to sit in the car with Troy. He usually falls asleep so she doesn't have to wake him up to take him in to the stores, I just ride along. Before we got home I was feeling really bad. I was aching all over, in every joint and I had a pounding headache. Candi and Annie had both brought their boys over to swim, brrrrr, so I just sat out by the pool in a chair. By the time they left I was really sick. I was running a fever and I felt so bad my hair even hurt. I jumped in the bath tub with hot water hoping that would make me feel better. I asked Rich to make me some chicken noodle soup. My head pounded all night long so I just kept taking Tylenol, Advil and Aleve before I finally fell asleep at 11:00 p.m. Every time I brag about how long it's been since I've been sick I end up with my "head under my wing." That's what my Mom always says when my Dad's sick. Anyway, I feel much better today, I have too much to do to be sick. We are busy planning a shower for Jenn and Mindi is helping Patti with stuff for Craig's funeral this weekend. It is also Tayler and Candi's birthdays. As I was lying in bed yesterday thinking about all I needed to do I wondered what I would do if I had a debilitating illness. All my animals would have to go and my quilting and crafts would come to a screeching halt. We really do take for granted our health. Last week Mindi needed to go into Hobby Lobby for something. It was either sit in the car with the air conditioning running or just go in. She needed to go to the scrap booking stuff in one corner of the store, and I wanted to go to the fabric at the complete opposite end. We were going to meet in the front where the flowers are when we were finished. As I have talked about before I have had a terrible time with anxiety and agoraphobia. It means a "fear of the marketplace." Their was a time in my life that my Mom had to drive from Scottsdale and walk through the grocery store with me and I literally thought I would die before I could get out of there. I have been soooooo much better the last few years, but still not able to drive myself to a store and go in alone. It has truly been HELL for me. Anyway, I asked Mindi if she had her phone and headed out by myself to the fabric part of the store. As I passed the flowers I noticed the prettiest purple flowers. I had this thought come into my mind that Kamber would just love that shade of purple and kept pushing my cart. Before I could even get into the fabric I started to have a panic attack. If you haven't had one consider yourself so fortunate. I started to feel like I was going to spin out or pass out so I turned my cart around and headed down the isle praying I wouldn't fall or yell some bad words out. I remember a lady in front of me and I almost ask her to help me find my daughter. I was trying to find my phone in my purse and finally pulled it out, but instead of calling Mindi I dialed my parents home. My Dad answered and asked me how I was doing. I said, "terrible, I'm in a store and having panic." By then my Mom had picked up the other phone and just started talking to me and telling me how sorry she was that I have to go through this and assuring me I would be okay. I finally made it to the front of the store and sat down on a bench and just kept talking to my parents. A girl from my ward walked in and I talked to her a little bit. About two or three minutes later Mindi came rushing up to the front and asked me if I was okay, I guess the girl in my ward had told her she saw me at the front of the store so she knew something was wrong. Mindi then told me that she didn't have her phone, she had left it in the car and asked if I had tried to call her. I don't know why I called my parents, the normal thing for me to do would have been to tell Mindi I needed her, but she wouldn't have answered and I know by then I would have been really in a bad place. As I was telling Rich about it that night, all he could say is, "that isn't any way to live." I have been dealing with this since 1986 and sometimes I do wonder if I can't be healed from it maybe it would be best to go on to the other side. But there again we don't get to choose what kinds of trials we will have. I have told many people that I just want to be normal, but what exactly is normal? I just know I'm not. I guess that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I don't want to get any stronger.

"Bear One Another's Burdens"

I am always so glad when May 22nd comes and goes because it is always so stressful for me to have a birthday. I got up yesterday with a long list of chores I wanted to get done around the house. Rich, Dave and the boys were up at the Fathers and Sons so that left Mindi and I alone to work on them. We moved all the baby turtles and baby chicks off the back porch so the flies would move on out. I always just put on a nightgown to feed animals so I never got dressed until we went to Fuddruckers in the evening. I feel really embarrassed that my friends showed up with gifts and I wasn't dressed. I appreciate all of you who called or brought fun little presents for me. I am so thankful for everyone who made my day special. I am seriously, so blessed.

Thank you!

For church today we attended the Gila Valley Temple dedication. It was very relaxing sitting and waiting for it to start. They were showing different temples and the rooms in them. Only children older than eight could go, so Rich and I and Tristyn went at 9 a.m. Then Dave, Mindi and Trace went at 12 p.m. so Tristyn could watch the little boys. As I was getting ready I always listen to a Hillary Weeks CD. I love her voice and when I listen to the words it always makes me think about Kamber. Probably because Jenn put her songs on Kamber's video. I wondered what she was doing and if she would be one of the little angels there. The temple matron even commented about how thin the veil is between earth and heaven and I was hoping Kamber was there with us.

Dave's brother-in-law Craig has been in hospice for the last couple of weeks. He's been battling cancer for six years. They said it would be several months but he took a turn for the worst and came down with pneumonia. Mindi told me this morning that he passed away last night on my birthday. The funeral will be next Saturday so they will be busy this week with family obligations. Patti was such a huge help when we were going through our crisis. She absolutely saved our life helping with anything we asked her to do. It is now our turn to step in and help her. I guess that is what life is all about. In Mosiah 18: 9 it says, "Yea and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, even until death." We need to be "willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light." Hopefully we can step in now and help Patti and her children get through this difficult time in their lives. I think that is what life is all about!

"Tender Mercies"

I was talking to someone a few days ago about my blog. They said that they have a hard time reading it because it is so depressing. I write to try and help myself journal about my life experience. This is my story and I WILL NOT sugar coat anything. So I am sorry if sometimes my blog seems depressing, just don't read it if it makes you sad.

Spencer called this week and told me about something that happened to them, it has stirred up some strong emotions in me and with his permission I will try and tell their story. Spencer and Annie are wonderful people. He has been a joy to raise and I feel a deep amount of respect and love for him. They are also wonderful parents of two small sons who are quite a handful. He told me that on Sunday night he was in the kitchen when he heard a loud commotion upstairs and their young son Tyton screaming. He ran to the bedroom to find that these little tornadoes had pushed a filing cabinet over so they could jump from it onto the bed. They had the window open to let the cool Colorado air in on a nice spring day. When Spencer got to the room he saw that the window screen was barely hanging on and Tyton had some bruising and scratches on his chest and arms. Spencer asked him what happened and was told that when he jumped he hit the window and just about went out. "Someone pulled me back in." Spencer said, "Tyton who helped you back in the window?" He said, "Daddy you did." Spencer said, "No Tyton, I was in the kitchen and I didn't help you." Spencer then said that Tyton continued to say it was Spencer that helped him from going out of the window and falling 20 feet to the ground.

As I have talked a lot about two years ago we were "fat, dumb and happy" until we suffered the tragic drowning death of our beautiful granddaughter Kamber. Since then it has put a different filter on the way I see life. I have wondered how many times in my life that my loved ones have been spared. How many times have guardian angels saved them from a tragic accident or death? Why didn't someone reach out and pull Kamber to safety? I know this will all be shown to me when I go to the other side of the veil. I love the talk by Elder Bednar when he reminds us of all the "tender mercies" we receive daily from our Heavenly Father. Rich and I pray every night for the safety of our children, grandchildren, parents, siblings and those members of our ward who we know are struggling. I am so thankful that Tyton's life was spared. I know that it was a wake up call for his parents and Spencer said they will be keeping their windows closed and the bedroom door locked. All we can do is pray for their safety and hope the angels are watching over us all.

Dewey's Birthday!

Today is my darling husband's birthday. He started out at his body sculpting workout at 5:15 a.m. He said there was another guy there who turned 46 today and so he did everything 46 times. I said, "did you tell them it was your 56th and do all the exercises 56 times." He said, "heck no! I just kept my mouth shut." That's my MAN. I don't know how we hooked up because I can't keep my mouth shut and he is pretty quiet, unless you make him mad. I asked him what I could get him for his birthday. He said for me not to spend any money would be a great present. So today I stayed home and worked on two quilts for the grand kids and stayed away from the stores per his request. Tomorrow will be the day we head out to the mall. There have been times that I have planned a big party for him. On his 50th we threw a surprise party and invited lots of friends and family. It was "kind of a bust" and I could tell he was embarrassed that we made such a big deal about it that I promised myself I wouldn't ever do that to him again. I've been true to my word. It use to bother me that he didn't want to spend a nice day with me and go to lunch, the mall, a movie, or out for ice cream. But since it has been 34 years I am "over it" so we just let him do whatever he wants, which is work as long and hard as he wants to. I also try not to nag him on his birthday, I'm sure he appreciates that. So all I will say is Happy 56th Birthday to the strongest guy with the biggest heart I know!