"Be Of Good Cheer"

This weekend has gone by so fast. Rich has been busy at work and trying to get Candi and B.J.'s pool up and running. They have lived in the house for 18 months and finally closed the deal and are owners of a darling house. The previous owner built an "over the top" pool with a spa and waterfalls that have been hard to figure out. The pump broke the summer before they moved in so they are trying to solve one problem after another. Last night we all went out to swim but found them discouraged and overwhelmed. I still had fun swimming with the kids while they worked some of the kinks out. I continue to be in pain and keep hoping and praying for a miracle. Today in the third hour of church our Bishop and his wife gave a good lesson on "Being Of Good Cheer." Boy is it hard when struggling with adversity to be cheerful. I'm more of the "Debbie Downer"type than someone who sees the silver lining in every cloud, but I'm trying to do better. At times I know I don't use the Atonement to help me in my suffering maybe I need to work on that too. I sure have a lot of character flaws to try and work through before I'm called home. Tomorrow is little Gunnar's third birthday. He is a special little guy who was born a few hours after we buried Kamber. I hope he feels our love for him eventhough he's in Colorado. I remember the day he was born was such a sad day for us, a day we would never want to go through, but what a blessing he has been. He's even named after his angel cousin. We are getting a huge rain storm right now, that's a good thing because Rich forgot to sign us up for irrigation. Maybe the wind and rain will wash away some of my chickens, ha ha!

Max's Birthday, Pioneer Day, Missing Kamber

Rich and I had a busy and emotional last couple of days. We spent all day Sat. working around the house and yard getting ready for Max's first birthday party. It's always fun to get together with all the kids, but lots of work. Sunday started with Rich's meetings at 6:00 a.m. I never have gotten a good answer for why they need to start so early, I guess it makes sense to them. I got my dinner ready, myself presentable and off to church we went. It was Pioneer Day so I knew the talks and music would be about the pioneers. As I sat in church thinking about all my ancestors who sacrificed everything to have religious freedom and made that terrible trip across the plains and mountains, I felt such reverence for them. How thankful I am to have been born in this time and not been asked to leave everything behind and come out West. Sundays are always a day to reflect on the spiritual things in our lives. Knowing that today would be the third year anniversary of the passing of our granddaughter Kamber found us emotional and a little out of sorts. It seems like the more time that passes makes it easier to accept but there is still that deep part in your heart that is empty. I got on the computer and read all I could on the death of little children, thinking it would help, it didn't. So this morning as I was reading my scriptures the thought kept coming in to my mind about the scripture that says, "I do not know the meaning of all things, but I know that God loves his children." (1 Nephi 11:17) So today I'm going to do things I know Kamber would want me to do. I'm going to try and be happy, no moping around feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to work on a quilt because she loved her quilts. I'm going to do as much as I can to live the commandments and to serve others. I look at Kamber as our little "pioneer" who is waiting for us to join her, if we are worthy, on the other side. I can't wait to see her and hug her and hopefully she will be proud of my efforts.

How Can Max Already Be One?

Rich and I have been busy all morning getting our house and back yard ready for our HUGE BLOWOUT one year old birthday party for little Max tonight. He has gotten so big and is walking all around. He is also one of the sweetest babies I've ever been around. Hopefully the weather won't get bad, we never know in Arizona when the monsoon storms will hit. I'm starting to feel a little bit better with my hip, I think the shot must have helped. Also, after two nights of not sleeping because of the pain from the scorpion bite I had a better night last night. I took some pictures of my arm because I have never had such a bad reaction to a scorpion before. My arm swelled up to double in size and it was so red and painful I decided to take some antibiotics, hopefully they will help make it better. Mindi and I have been running errands like crazy. As we were coming home yesterday I realized just how much Mom's contribute to their families. I am amazed at how far behind you get when the mother is sick or "out of commission". We were so thankful for all the friends, family and ward members who brought in food and helped with the kids. I have such a strong testimony of the Relief Society Organization and all the service that is rendered on our behalf. We need to "Pay It Forward" now that we are kind of back to normal. Spencer and Annie made it back to Colorado safely, we are still hoping to have a football season, but are tired of worrying about it. Before they left I had Spencer and Rich give me a blessing. I have been so discouraged with the disability of being in constant pain and basically crippled. As I listened to the promises in the blessing I was told to "have courage to do what it takes to get well." If there are a couple of things I struggle with it is courage and faith that things will work out for me. The old "Debbie Downer" syndrome seems to fit me better, but I'm trying to do better, that's all I can do right now.

"I Have A Dark Cloud Following Me"

Yesterday started out horrible with getting flooded out by our irrigation. As I looked out into my pond the turtles and fish were swimming in the yard because of the amount of water. I went out in the morning to find two fish gasping for air, I threw them back into the pond where my turtles decided they wanted to eat them. As I came in to talk to Rich he was on the phone with the bank because someone had taken our business card and bought $1000 worth of shoes and other purchases in England. Credit card fraud, wow that's a new challenge for us, one we haven't dealt with yet. Mindi and I got ready and went to the grocery store, something we haven't been able to do because of her bed rest, childbirth and then the death of her father-in-law. After the grocery store we ran a few more errands to purchase a light for my aquarium and some turtle food so my turtles would STOP eating my fish. By the time we got home we were melted. It was only 108 degrees but with the humidity it felt awful. Mindi had a friend come by and drop her kids off to play. With some other of the boys friends I bet we had at least thirteen kids swimming in the pool and running around going in and out of the house dripping water all over my wood floor. I was becoming more and more irritated as Rich was gone helping someone that has been dominating his time all week. How do people get their lives so screwed up? Anyway, I was lying on the couch watching "So You Think You Can Dance," no, I know I can't dance, when Rich came home and sat in the recliner and passed out. After the show we got up and went to the kitchen to get a drink, take my pills, and head to bed. All of a sudden I felt a horrible pain under my arm, I knew it was a scorpion, once you've been stung you never forget it. I started stripping down to my nothings as I was trying to find that bugger that was stinging the hell out of me. There I was standing topless in my kitchen while Rich ran and got a black light out of the garage to help find it. After going through all my clothes, we finally found it in the bottom of the garbage can, when I threw my clothes off it must have fallen in the trash. I have it in a glass jar trying to decide what would be the most painful way for him to die. As I was brushing my teeth getting ready for bed Rich said, "you know, you just have a dark cloud that follows you around wherever you go." I try and be a good person but it is true, trouble always seems to find me, like that little scorpion who must have crawled up my shirt while I was lying on my couch. Today I have found myself laughing at these little things that happen, I know it could be SO much worse, I lived through some trials that I never knew I could. I have a friend whose son was killed in a motorcycle accident a few years ago. Today is his birthday so my thoughts are with her today. Monday will be the third anniversary of Kamber's passing, someday that dark cloud will find somewhere else to go, that would be a happy day for me.

"Empty Nesting" = Lonely but Quiet

Rich and I have been truly "empty nesters" this weekend. Mindi, Dave and the kids went to Willcox for the funeral of his Dad. Spencer and Annie went to Spokane for a football camp, and Candi and Ethan are busy working and spending time with their families. I have been alone most of the day with Rich busy trying to finish up jobs and do service wherever needed. He's now off to the Temple, so I'm trying to find somewhere to go so I'm not alone all evening. I went to the doctor on Thurs. to get my cortisone shot. I had prepared for the worst and had anxiety all day worrying about it. I was even warned by a friend that it "hurts like hell." On the way down to my appointment I was telling Mindi how scared I was and I hated being in this place of constant pain. She then reminded me that I had four children without any pain relief so certainly I can handle a little shot. The doctor put at least five different medications in a shot, sprayed my hip with a cold numbing agent and then started shooting the medicine in. I was totally prepared to rip Rich's arm off and say some really bad words, but you know it really didn't hurt. It was a little bit like a stinging sensation when the medicine went in and I had a warm feeling come across my arms but I was so happy to have gotten through it. The first night was almost total relief, other than the terrible headache that came on at 3:00 a.m. I think two of the drugs are numbing, it felt wonderful to be out of pain. He also told me that if I got some relief that was a good sign. I'm being "cautiously optimistic" hoping for the best. I have another appointment for August if this shot doesn't do the job I can have two more. I am thankful for doctors and modern medicine we are truly blessed to live in this time. I went to see my parents yesterday at their humble little house in Scottsdale. As we left I felt so blessed that they are still with us at 82 years old. They still live in their house and can take care of eachother, I hope they are with us for a long, long time.

Lunch and a Shot

Mindi and I just got home from lunch with a good friend. She even payed, which was totally not expected but so appreciated. It was fun to get out of the house and have yummy Mexican food. This is the first time Mindi has had makeup on for a long time, she looks great for having an eleven day old baby. Her husband Dave and their boys left for Willcox yesterday. They got some sad news on Tues. evening that his Dad, Earl Moser had passed away suddenly. It makes me realize how fragile life is and how you never know when life will throw you a big fat curve ball that you have to try and deal with. Candi came over to color and cut all of our hair. It is always fun when the kids get together but very chaotic. With Tristyn at BYU volleyball camp and Jenn not bringing the girls over we had mostly boys. I wanted to take some before and after haircut pictures but they were enjoying playing video games and wanted me out of the way. I just love it when they have nice clean haircuts, they all look so cute. I'm beginning to think that there is no hope for healing for my hip, I've decided to go ahead and get a shot in it this afternoon. I really don't want to go through this but am pretty desperate at this time. I know there are many who are suffering from pain and heartache so I'm trying to be strong and know that I CAN DO HARD THINGS. We are expected to have trials to make us humble, so I guess I have to endure what comes my way, even though I hate it.

"Cheer Up, Things Could Be Worse"

I wrote a post the other day and my computer froze up. It didn't matter what I did I couldn't get it to work. After shutting it down and reading what I wrote I decided it was too dark to publish. I don't know if I'm post partum, post menopausal or just plain post hip replacement. I've been struggling with constant pain for a long time now and it's beginning to cloud my outlook on life. It's not like I have a great love of life, but constant pain definitely makes me a little irritable and out of sorts. Spencer and Annie got here from Colorado, Candi and B.J. got back from the beach and Rich got home from Utah, where he spent three days with his sister going through his Mother's earthly possessions. I stayed here and tried to help Mindi, but sometimes feel I'm not much help. We had everyone over for dinner on Sunday, the first time I've had all my kids and grand kids together for a long time. Rich and I feel so blessed with our posterity but at times feel undeserving. This mortal life seems to have a way of trying to humble me but it seems like I just keep getting more and more bitter. I have such a hard time forgiving those hurts that I have gone through. I still suffer daily with the sadness of losing Kamber. Why can't I have faith that the past is what was meant to be? Spencer has offered to take me back to Colorado to get out of the heat and enjoy watching him play football, but when it's hard to even walk that doesn't sound fun either. I feel stuck between what I want to be doing and what I need to be doing. I have been told by professionals that I'm a very paradoxical person. That means I feel the absolute opposite about the same thing. It's confusing to live in a body where there is conflict everywhere. I was talking to my swimming friend about it the other day how life keeps getting more complicated as we age and how it would be so fun to be young again. Boy would we do things so much differently. I guess that isn't going to happen so I need to cheer up because my Dad always told me the little saying, "someone told me to cheer up, things could be worse, so I cheered up and sure enough things got worse."

"Principle of Compensation"

Kids sitting on my bed waiting to go to the hospital

Tristyn and Mindi before Trulie was born

Baby Trulie

Mindi and her 5 kids

Grandma and Grandpa Larsen

I feel extremely grateful today to live in this great country. We had a spiritual day yesterday as Rich and I attended the Patriarchal Blessing of a friend. She is a darling girl who just joined the church in March. We are so proud of how she has embraced the gospel and is sharing it with others. After church we came home and fixed dinner for her and a friend she had brought to church, they seemed to enjoy a home cooked meal. While we were busy at church Mindi was home in labor. She wasn't saying much but did come down to eat a little bit before Dave took her to the hospital. I got a call at around 7:00 p.m. that she was there and dilated to a 5+ and they were going to check her in two hours before deciding if they would keep her because she was only 36 weeks. The next call we got was at 8:00 and she was already at a 7 and they were moving her into a room. The kids were all excited as we called family members to let them know the baby would be born soon. I really wanted Mindi to have her on the 4th of July, so we were encouraging her to just relax and take it slow. Well, at around 9 we got a call that she was in the 8-9 centimeter range so we gathered the kids and headed to the hospital. Rich stayed out in the waiting area with the three boys while Tristyn and I went in to see Mindi. The doctor came in and broke her water and helped the baby down a little bit and told her he would be back in a few minutes. I know Mindi had wanted to see if she could have it without an epidural but she said she was "dying" with the pain from the contractions. I reminded her that they don't give any "purple hearts" in delivery if you have a natural childbirth, be thankful for modern medicine. It was so nice to see her having labor pains and not feeling them. What I would have given for any pain killing help during my childbearing years, glad that's over forever! Rich and I had a bet that she would have her before 10:00 p.m. If I won, we go to Fuddruckers tonight for hamburgers instead of all the work cooking out. The doctor came in at 9:40 and I told him she had until 10:00 to have this baby or I would lose the bet. He looked at me like I was a space alien, but guess what? Trulie Ann Moser was born at 9:57 p.m. weighing in at 6 lbs. 5 ozs. 19 1/2 inches long. She looked great, had great color and her breathing was good for being four weeks early. This is number 15 for Rich and I, with Jenn we will be having our 16th, another girl in November. Last night when I got home from the hospital I couldn't sleep. I could remember how relieved I was when my babies were finally out of the womb. I know that Mindi wanted to have this last baby because of a special experience she had while holding Kamber for the last time. The confirmation that she had another girl spirit that needed to come to their family. It takes courage to do hard things, and Mindi can do hard things. As I went to sleep the quote by Elder Wirthlin kept coming into my mind. The "Principle of Compensation," which is, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundred fold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." Today I am rejoicing and have gratitude for all those blessings I receive, and I know I don't deserve them, but am extremely thankful.