"What Matters?"

Between a baby shower for Annie, a funeral and a birthday party at my house, my life is out of control. Spencer flew in Thurs. evening to join Annie and the boys for Memorial Day. He took us all to breakfast on Friday morning and that was a treat. The funeral for Dave's brother-in-law Craig was yesterday morning and we had Tayler's birthday party last night. I thought when you got old it would get easier and more relaxing, but I honestly think it gets way busier. You have more people to worry about and celebrate with.

Tonight we will join our extended family at the Mesa Cemetery to honor those we love who have passed away. I don't know if it is just stress or being tired that has stirred up some sadness and anxiety in my mind and heart. I remember a time that going to the cemetery was a social event that we went to so my Mom would quit nagging us about it. Now it has a whole new meaning for our family. I still can't believe it has been almost two years since Kamber passed away, it seems like just yesterday. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her and miss her cheerful little personality. I hope to be worthy to see her again.

As I was getting ready for the funeral yesterday I had a hard time controlling my emotions. I felt so bad for the six children and their mother who will not have a father or husband in this mortal life anymore. I was comparing losing a child to an accident and an adult with terminal cancer. Would it be better to know your loved one was going to pass on, or have a sudden death? I guess it doesn't really matter, they are both hard. The speakers were so good. I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote some things down. One said, "we need more loving and less judgement." Then the last speaker talked about "what matters?" He went through a whole list of things that don't matter, like how much stuff we have. When you get down to the time we pass away, and we will all get there someday, it only matters how you treated people. What service you rendered and if you showed, with your actions how much you loved your family. I always feel like I need to do better when I go to a funeral. I hate the idea of it, but I feel uplifted after.

Tayler is nine years old today. My grandchildren are getting so old. She is such a sweet little girl and we feel so lucky to have her in our family. It was nice to have all the grand kids together even for just a short time. By the end of the summer we will have two more grandchildren. I don't know if Rich and I can afford all these kids, but we sure love them all!

Really, Five Fortune Cookies?

This has been a crazy week. I started out with a touch of the flu but got off pretty easy this time. Last week when I was doing my Grand Motherly duty, (sitting in the car watching Troy sleep) while Mindi went in to Hobby Lobby, JoAnn's and Walmart, I opened up some fortune cookies. I am not a big fan of Chinese food but occasionally when we've had too many crazy subs or hamburgers we will get some Pandas to share. Anyway, I love fortune cookies so as I was sitting in the car I opened them up, read the saying and of course ate the cookies. The first one said, "Now is the time to set your sights high and "go for it". Well, that's nice but it really doesn't apply to me right now, I'm too old. The second one was "The sun will shine through your heart and warm your soul." I thought that was a wonderful thought but I'm not that crazy about the sun especially here in Arizona in the summer. The third one was "A cheerful greeting is on its way." I'm still waiting for someone to say something cheerfull to me.The fourth one said "Your sense of humor is enjoyed by all." Well I don't know about that, I'm the kind of a person who you either really like or you really don't. I am embarrassed to say that I ate five of those little cookies but the last one said, "You may be called upon to help a friend." I really do try to be a good friend. It was so nice on my birthday to have so many well wishers, I hope I am as good of a friend to them as they are to me.
As I mentioned earlier in the week Dave's brother-in-law Craig passed away last Saturday. The family has been busy planning the funeral and Patti asked Mindi to make a book for people to sign at the funeral. She has been working on it all week, and finally finished it today. It is a wonderful book of memories and pictures of their family. I have had little flashbacks of the week after Kamber passed away. It now seems like a dream. I know it happened and I remember what we did, but I also know that most of that week I was in a fog. I remember every act of service, every meal that was brought in, all the flowers and plants and especially the cards and letters from family and friends. Those things will never be forgotten. They are etched into my mind and heart. I know what Patti and her children are going through and they have some long sad days ahead. But I know that because of their testimonies of Jesus Christ and the Atonement they will be able to move forward in faith and realize that they will be united with their husband and father again. That is my prayer for them.

Panic in Hobby Lobby!

Yesterday Mindi needed to run some errands so I went along to sit in the car with Troy. He usually falls asleep so she doesn't have to wake him up to take him in to the stores, I just ride along. Before we got home I was feeling really bad. I was aching all over, in every joint and I had a pounding headache. Candi and Annie had both brought their boys over to swim, brrrrr, so I just sat out by the pool in a chair. By the time they left I was really sick. I was running a fever and I felt so bad my hair even hurt. I jumped in the bath tub with hot water hoping that would make me feel better. I asked Rich to make me some chicken noodle soup. My head pounded all night long so I just kept taking Tylenol, Advil and Aleve before I finally fell asleep at 11:00 p.m. Every time I brag about how long it's been since I've been sick I end up with my "head under my wing." That's what my Mom always says when my Dad's sick. Anyway, I feel much better today, I have too much to do to be sick. We are busy planning a shower for Jenn and Mindi is helping Patti with stuff for Craig's funeral this weekend. It is also Tayler and Candi's birthdays. As I was lying in bed yesterday thinking about all I needed to do I wondered what I would do if I had a debilitating illness. All my animals would have to go and my quilting and crafts would come to a screeching halt. We really do take for granted our health. Last week Mindi needed to go into Hobby Lobby for something. It was either sit in the car with the air conditioning running or just go in. She needed to go to the scrap booking stuff in one corner of the store, and I wanted to go to the fabric at the complete opposite end. We were going to meet in the front where the flowers are when we were finished. As I have talked about before I have had a terrible time with anxiety and agoraphobia. It means a "fear of the marketplace." Their was a time in my life that my Mom had to drive from Scottsdale and walk through the grocery store with me and I literally thought I would die before I could get out of there. I have been soooooo much better the last few years, but still not able to drive myself to a store and go in alone. It has truly been HELL for me. Anyway, I asked Mindi if she had her phone and headed out by myself to the fabric part of the store. As I passed the flowers I noticed the prettiest purple flowers. I had this thought come into my mind that Kamber would just love that shade of purple and kept pushing my cart. Before I could even get into the fabric I started to have a panic attack. If you haven't had one consider yourself so fortunate. I started to feel like I was going to spin out or pass out so I turned my cart around and headed down the isle praying I wouldn't fall or yell some bad words out. I remember a lady in front of me and I almost ask her to help me find my daughter. I was trying to find my phone in my purse and finally pulled it out, but instead of calling Mindi I dialed my parents home. My Dad answered and asked me how I was doing. I said, "terrible, I'm in a store and having panic." By then my Mom had picked up the other phone and just started talking to me and telling me how sorry she was that I have to go through this and assuring me I would be okay. I finally made it to the front of the store and sat down on a bench and just kept talking to my parents. A girl from my ward walked in and I talked to her a little bit. About two or three minutes later Mindi came rushing up to the front and asked me if I was okay, I guess the girl in my ward had told her she saw me at the front of the store so she knew something was wrong. Mindi then told me that she didn't have her phone, she had left it in the car and asked if I had tried to call her. I don't know why I called my parents, the normal thing for me to do would have been to tell Mindi I needed her, but she wouldn't have answered and I know by then I would have been really in a bad place. As I was telling Rich about it that night, all he could say is, "that isn't any way to live." I have been dealing with this since 1986 and sometimes I do wonder if I can't be healed from it maybe it would be best to go on to the other side. But there again we don't get to choose what kinds of trials we will have. I have told many people that I just want to be normal, but what exactly is normal? I just know I'm not. I guess that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I don't want to get any stronger.

"Bear One Another's Burdens"

I am always so glad when May 22nd comes and goes because it is always so stressful for me to have a birthday. I got up yesterday with a long list of chores I wanted to get done around the house. Rich, Dave and the boys were up at the Fathers and Sons so that left Mindi and I alone to work on them. We moved all the baby turtles and baby chicks off the back porch so the flies would move on out. I always just put on a nightgown to feed animals so I never got dressed until we went to Fuddruckers in the evening. I feel really embarrassed that my friends showed up with gifts and I wasn't dressed. I appreciate all of you who called or brought fun little presents for me. I am so thankful for everyone who made my day special. I am seriously, so blessed.

Thank you!

For church today we attended the Gila Valley Temple dedication. It was very relaxing sitting and waiting for it to start. They were showing different temples and the rooms in them. Only children older than eight could go, so Rich and I and Tristyn went at 9 a.m. Then Dave, Mindi and Trace went at 12 p.m. so Tristyn could watch the little boys. As I was getting ready I always listen to a Hillary Weeks CD. I love her voice and when I listen to the words it always makes me think about Kamber. Probably because Jenn put her songs on Kamber's video. I wondered what she was doing and if she would be one of the little angels there. The temple matron even commented about how thin the veil is between earth and heaven and I was hoping Kamber was there with us.

Dave's brother-in-law Craig has been in hospice for the last couple of weeks. He's been battling cancer for six years. They said it would be several months but he took a turn for the worst and came down with pneumonia. Mindi told me this morning that he passed away last night on my birthday. The funeral will be next Saturday so they will be busy this week with family obligations. Patti was such a huge help when we were going through our crisis. She absolutely saved our life helping with anything we asked her to do. It is now our turn to step in and help her. I guess that is what life is all about. In Mosiah 18: 9 it says, "Yea and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, even until death." We need to be "willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light." Hopefully we can step in now and help Patti and her children get through this difficult time in their lives. I think that is what life is all about!

"Tender Mercies"

I was talking to someone a few days ago about my blog. They said that they have a hard time reading it because it is so depressing. I write to try and help myself journal about my life experience. This is my story and I WILL NOT sugar coat anything. So I am sorry if sometimes my blog seems depressing, just don't read it if it makes you sad.

Spencer called this week and told me about something that happened to them, it has stirred up some strong emotions in me and with his permission I will try and tell their story. Spencer and Annie are wonderful people. He has been a joy to raise and I feel a deep amount of respect and love for him. They are also wonderful parents of two small sons who are quite a handful. He told me that on Sunday night he was in the kitchen when he heard a loud commotion upstairs and their young son Tyton screaming. He ran to the bedroom to find that these little tornadoes had pushed a filing cabinet over so they could jump from it onto the bed. They had the window open to let the cool Colorado air in on a nice spring day. When Spencer got to the room he saw that the window screen was barely hanging on and Tyton had some bruising and scratches on his chest and arms. Spencer asked him what happened and was told that when he jumped he hit the window and just about went out. "Someone pulled me back in." Spencer said, "Tyton who helped you back in the window?" He said, "Daddy you did." Spencer said, "No Tyton, I was in the kitchen and I didn't help you." Spencer then said that Tyton continued to say it was Spencer that helped him from going out of the window and falling 20 feet to the ground.

As I have talked a lot about two years ago we were "fat, dumb and happy" until we suffered the tragic drowning death of our beautiful granddaughter Kamber. Since then it has put a different filter on the way I see life. I have wondered how many times in my life that my loved ones have been spared. How many times have guardian angels saved them from a tragic accident or death? Why didn't someone reach out and pull Kamber to safety? I know this will all be shown to me when I go to the other side of the veil. I love the talk by Elder Bednar when he reminds us of all the "tender mercies" we receive daily from our Heavenly Father. Rich and I pray every night for the safety of our children, grandchildren, parents, siblings and those members of our ward who we know are struggling. I am so thankful that Tyton's life was spared. I know that it was a wake up call for his parents and Spencer said they will be keeping their windows closed and the bedroom door locked. All we can do is pray for their safety and hope the angels are watching over us all.

Dewey's Birthday!

Today is my darling husband's birthday. He started out at his body sculpting workout at 5:15 a.m. He said there was another guy there who turned 46 today and so he did everything 46 times. I said, "did you tell them it was your 56th and do all the exercises 56 times." He said, "heck no! I just kept my mouth shut." That's my MAN. I don't know how we hooked up because I can't keep my mouth shut and he is pretty quiet, unless you make him mad. I asked him what I could get him for his birthday. He said for me not to spend any money would be a great present. So today I stayed home and worked on two quilts for the grand kids and stayed away from the stores per his request. Tomorrow will be the day we head out to the mall. There have been times that I have planned a big party for him. On his 50th we threw a surprise party and invited lots of friends and family. It was "kind of a bust" and I could tell he was embarrassed that we made such a big deal about it that I promised myself I wouldn't ever do that to him again. I've been true to my word. It use to bother me that he didn't want to spend a nice day with me and go to lunch, the mall, a movie, or out for ice cream. But since it has been 34 years I am "over it" so we just let him do whatever he wants, which is work as long and hard as he wants to. I also try not to nag him on his birthday, I'm sure he appreciates that. So all I will say is Happy 56th Birthday to the strongest guy with the biggest heart I know!

"Good Morning?"

Sometimes I feel like when I write a post I sound like a broken record. I decided I wouldn't write again until I could say something that wasn't dark or sad. Well this morning I had a little experience that has kept me laughing every time I think about it. I have talked about how we have had to lock up the barnyard animals every night to protect them from the varmints who have decided to have breakfast in my yard each morning. Anyway, this morning I got up early and went out to let them out. I usually just throw a short little night shirt on with my tennis shoes and head out. I was pleasantly surprised that my loving husband had already gone out to the farm and opened the gates. I grabbed some carrots for the rabbits and out the door I went. No bra, no shorts, just a nightie and shoes. Just as I got out the door I heard a loud swooshing sound, like a propane tank about to explode. I looked over the south side of my house and could see a giant hot air balloon that I thought must be landing in the neighborhood behind us. I went ahead and threw the chickens some scratch and fed the rabbits. I turned to go start the big pump to my pond and throw some pellets to my huge koi when I saw the balloon just above my house coming towards me. It was so low I could see the people in the basket and hear them say, "Good Morning." I was so embarrassed, here I was in my pajamas no bra, my underwear hanging out trying to get inside my house before they could see me. I said, "you are kind of low aren't you?" I didn't hear a response. I came in and yelled at Rich to come out and we stood and watched the balloon as it drifted west towards my brother's house. He said, "I think they are going to crash in to Ben's tress." We came in and I went and told Mindi what had happened and by then Rich's secretary Amber had showed up for work. I was telling her about my adventure and she said it had landed in our neighbor's yard down the street. I wonder if they were trying to find a place to land because it didn't seem like they had enough lift to go much farther. It's not every day you have a hot air balloon fly over your house. I guess I will need to be more careful how I dress when I'm out slopping the hogs.

I Love Mondays!

The three kids that were here on Mother's Day. We used Spencer's cardboard cutout in his place.

As I have written before, Mondays aren't my favorite day, but every week that rolls around includes a Monday so I will just have to deal with it. I had a couple friends ask me yesterday at church if I wanted to go to a bread making class this morning. I then tried to give them my lame excuse and they finally said, " oh yeah, you don't like to do anything on Monday." It seems like everything is getting harder and harder to do. I used to be able to keep up with my house and when I was younger I even mowed the lawns while my children played outside. Now I can barely limp out to feed the animals twice a day, get my bed made, a few loads of laundry done, maybe my dishes before I need my afternoon siesta. I did iron about fifteen of Rich's shirts today and went down to Mindi's and we did a workout from the "Biggest Loser" book. I read an article in the paper yesterday that said exercise is better than any drug for depression and anxiety, so I'm going to give that a whirl.

Last week I was talking to someone in my family about the struggles I have had with my health, weight, anxiety ......etc. They said, " I wonder how your life would have been different if you hadn't had all the stress of having four children." It really took me back and I said, "I don't regret anything I have done with the decision to have four children. I wouldn't give up all I have learned through the trials or the relationships I have. I can't imagine being without any of my children who I love so much." I look at my two daughters and daughter- in -laws and I am so proud of the mothers they have become. We pray for Jenn and Annie every night that the babies they are carrying will be born healthy without complications. I don't know if I could take it if something happened to one of these precious little spirits. The older I get makes me realize that every thing we have is a blessing from our Heavenly Father. I don't take any thing for granted anymore. Rich has a saying when he describes things before our world kind of fell apart. He says, "when we were fat, dumb and happy," Sometimes I would describe me as just "fat, dumb and unhappy." Going back to the how my life might have been different had I only had one or two children. I know that when we go back to our Heavenly home all that we will have is our family. The relationships we have formed on this earth will hopefully be so important to us when we leave this earth. Our extended family always get together at the Mesa Cemetery the Sunday evening of Memorial Day Weekend. Last year was really painful for us. I hope this year will be a little bit easier, but you never know what emotions will surface as we move through the cemetery decorating the graves of our loved ones. Oh well, life keeps us busy and I will continue to plug along doing what I can to survive the trials of life. I know I have more blessings than I deserve.

God Does Not Cause Adversity

Another week has come and gone and we are already half way through the month of May. Pretty soon the kids will be out of school for the summer and it will be hot as he%*. The weather has been so nice, I wish it could be this way all year round. Rich left to go fishing with my brother before he leaves for his mission next month. I'm glad they are getting away but I always feel abandoned when he goes off to do something fun and leaves me behind. Even though I wouldn't want to go fishing, I still get a little sad. When I was raising my kids he was gone ALL the time with either work or church responsibilities. They would take the scouts to Lake Powell or up skiing, or on an "amazing race" activity. I would have to stay home and watch the children and the animals. A few times in our marriage he would go with friends or family up deer or elk hunting. It would make me go to such a dark place that I started charging him $100 a day for every day he was gone. I almost feel ashamed to admit that I would do such a thing, but, he was willing to pay, I'm sure just to shut me up. So today before he left I received my fun money to spend while he's gone. I usually just put it in my drawer, but sometimes we go get something nice for dinner. This week was my once a month appointment with my counselor. I look forward to spending an hour and a half with someone who listens and teaches me how to cope with life's challenges. I was telling him about all my animals being killed and eaten and how bad it made me feel. We then talked about life and how things like that happen. We live in a pretty safe environment here in Gilbert, but some of our life experiences aren't that fun. He then said, "at least we don't live in those countries where they are chopping people's arms off." WOW! I don't think I could deal with that pain. As we were finishing up our session he asked me if there was anything concerning Kamber that we needed to address. I said, "No, I'm doing really good." Then I started to cry. I went on to tell him how on Mother's Day we put all the grandchildren on the side of the pool for a picture. There was a huge hole where she should have been sitting. I had Major hold a large purple flower to represent her, but come on, that didn't come close to filling the emptiness left by her death. We then talked about how the very last step in the grief process is acceptance. I need to truly know that it was her time to return to our Heavenly Father. At times I feel at peace with her passing, and then there are times when I get so angry at God for not reaching in and pulling her to safety that I could scream! I finished my book this week and in one of the last chapters the author said something that really hit home with me. He said, "Remember, God does not cause adversity, but he does allow it, and through adversity we are tested and are able to grow and develop." I hope this trial will make me a better person and some day it will all make sense and I can find the peace I'm seeking.

Tired of the Carnage

As I have mentioned a lot in my blog I have an arthritic hip. I had a fractured pelvis when I was twelve and between sports, childbirth and wear and tear, it has become so painful my life is No fun. Anyway, my parents have been so worried about it that they made an appointment with a doctor to see what we can do about the pain. I was suppose to be at the doctor's office at 9:00 a.m. yesterday, so I got up early showered and got ready before heading out to feed my critters. When I got half way out the yard I saw the carnage. I yelled for Mindi to come quick and we saw 5 of my chickens dead in their pen. Three had been totally eaten, two just killed. Something is getting into my backyard and killing my chickens. I think the same varmint is the one who killed my cat a few weeks ago.
I hurried and went to my appointment, with Mindi to see her doctor, and over to get an X ray before we were able to come home and bury the dead. Mindi dug the hole while I went over and picked up the chickens and put them in a bucket. We then decided we needed to do something to keep what ever is killing our animals out of the pens. When Rich and Dave got home they worked their magic on making it impossible for anything to get in, or my animals to get out until the morning. Most of the killings have been way early in the morning so a few people I have talked with have said they think it is a coyote. Anyway, I realized that ever since I made Ethan take my two white labs, all this killing has happened. I guess it is either let my own dogs kill my pets, or a wild animal. I do LOVE animals but it has become so hard to limp around the yard and keep up with two acres of grass, pool, ponds, and animals. I know my kids think I'm crazy and my husband has learned to pretty much keep his mouth shut about them, but I'm tiring of the responsibility of trying to keep them alive. When I called Spencer yesterday to thank him for the Mother's Day present and told him about my morning, all he said was, "sorry Mom, but that's the circle of life." I guess Rich's little saying, "some days are diamonds and some are stones," really is true. Don't I deserve a diamond day? The sun came up again today and so far everything is alive. I'm not going to hold my breath though, maybe just knock on wood.

Mother's Day Extravaganza!

Three generations of mothers.

I just had a wonderful Mother's Day weekend. It started on Friday when Ethan came in and asked if I wanted anything from Pei Wei. I'm not a huge fan of Chinese but because I have eaten so many green corn tamales lately, I thought it would be good for a change. He is always so good about picking up lunch if he's in the neighborhood. Then on Saturday Candi called to see if I wanted to go to the Mall with her. There again, that isn't my most favorite thing to do, especially on the day before a holiday, but we had fun. It is always nice to spend time with my kids. Mindi and Dave got home from Disneyland in the early afternoon on Sunday before the extended family came for dessert. Everyone comes to see my Mother the Matriarch of the Greer Family. We are getting so big that after everyone left I realized that I didn't get to visit with most of the family because I was busy serving, okay eating strawberry shortcake. We also had apple crisp, sugar & chocolate chip cookies, brownies, ice cream and even caramel popcorn. No wonder some of us have weight issues and are on our way to diabetes. I guess on Mother's Day it's okay to splurge a little bit. I got a call from Spencer earlier in the day. I hope he treated Annie to a nice relaxing day. I think he's pretty good about helping her. My little darlings gave me some nice things. I got a HUGE box of gumballs. Sixteen pounds of all different colors of giant gumballs. I know, everyone is going to be so jealous about that. Mindi brought me home a darling glass rooster and some fudge from the "happiest place on Earth." Candi gave me a sparkling necklace with matching earrings. She loves to keep her Mom accessorized. Being a hairdresser, she is one to tell me straight up what I need to improve my coif and appearance. I appreciate that! Rich worked all day on Saturday to fix as many things as he could around the house. He planted some purple flowers in Kamber's planter area and let me sleep in on Sunday until we were late for church. It was interesting at church how many women told me how much they hated Mother's Day. I thought I was the only one with the bad attitude. It seems like I have plenty of company in this area. I'm just glad it's over for another year and we can concentrate on Father's Day. It's time for them to start feeling the guilt. Thanks to all my "little darlings" for remembering your "less than perfect" mother. I love you all!

All of the grand kids that were here in order of their age. The purple flower represents Kamber.

Seriously, So Blessed

After my last post I had a couple of people call to see if I was okay and if I was upset with them. I had to assure them that I have spent most of my life either pissed off or irritated at someone or something. It is a sad way to live your life but it is what it is. I have had a very quiet and productive day. Mindi and Dave left yesterday for California to take the Moser children to Disneyland. I could have invited myself to go along with them, but I know they don't want a grumpy old grandma hobbling through the "happiest place on earth". The last time I was at Disneyland which is in the 70's. I stood in line for 1 1/2 hours to get on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. It was really hot and I decided then that it wasn't such a happy place for me. Hence, Rich and I never took our kids to Disneyland. I think they still haven't forgiven us for that, hopefully we did a few things for them to make up for that huge mistake. I just can't wait until Mother's Day because it is my favorite holiday. I heard on the news this morning that this special day is the second holiday for the amount of money spent, so I can hardly wait to see what my little darlings show up with. I'm really just kidding, I don't expect anything from them. When I was a young mother, a woman about my age now got up in church on Mother's Day and gave probably the best talk I have ever heard. She was a wonderful wife and mother and I couldn't believe the words of wisdom she spoke. I remember her talking about how as mothers we really try and do the very best we can, but still a lot of us feel so guilty for the mistakes we have made. I know it really touched me. She even said that she hates Mother's Day too. Then a few years ago someone said something to me that I try and remember every May. She said she tries to do everything possible to make her mother feel good and honor her and not worry about herself on that day. I thought that was really good so I keep trying to convince myself that I will do what I can to show my Mom how much I love and appreciate her. I feel so blessed to still have her on this earth, she is 80 now and I know she won't live forever. Rich's mother is also still with us so we are seriously so blessed! As I was talking to my Mom on the phone the other day I told her that I didn't get her anything this year. She is so hard to shop for because she is really such a simple person. They still live in the same house I grew up in. They still have most of the same furniture. She doesn't wear fancy clothes or jewelry, but she has the best heart of anyone I know. I was a troubled teenager and without her unconditional love for me, I know I wouldn't be where I am today. Every time I talk to her on the phone she tells me how "darling" I am and what "jewels" all of us kids are. My sister and I just laugh because we wouldn't really describe oursleves as darling. As I was telling her about my lack of gifts for her she said," Good, I don't need or want anything. Just tell me that you love me." I think I can do that and she will be thrilled.

When You Find Yourself A Little Gloomy

I have been a little bit down this week. Sometimes it seems like we just have one thing after another until I'm so discouraged I could just sit down and cry. Last night as I was unloading my feelings on my husband I finally just said, "I need to go somewhere for awhile until I can figure all this out." I didn't hear a response because I only have about ten seconds from the time he climbs in bed until he's out. He says it's because he has a clear conscience but I think it's because he "runs faster than he should all day." I know I over analyze things in my life. I try and figure out why those close to me do and say the things they do. I go to church and hear what I'm suppose to do, but somehow always fall short. The glass is ALWAYS half or mostly empty.
May is a hard month for me. I hate Mother's Day and now that I'm getting older I'm not too keen about my birthday either. I know most people love their birthdays and are gracious about it, but it is hard for me to be the center of attention even though it is nice to be remembered by my family and friends. My parents were both school teachers so May is a horrible time to have a child. I think my Mom told me I was born on the last day of school May 22. It seemed like every year they were so busy with report cards and end of the school activities that my birthday was just one more challenge for them. They did the best the could and I appreciate all they have done for me. One of my very special friends brought me a little book last week. It is called "The REMARKABLE SOUL of a WOMAN by Dieter F. Uchtdorf. I have a huge crush on him because he seems like the kindest most handsome man in the church. Anyway, as I was reading it this morning guess what he talks about? Yep, Service. As women we have been born with natural instincts to nurture others. That is why we are chosen to be mothers. He gave three quotes that really touched me. President Spencer Kimball taught, "The more we serve our fellowmen in appropriate ways, the more substance there is to our souls." President Gordon B. Hinkley told a woman who had recently lost her husband, "Work will cure your grief. Serve others." Then the one I liked the best was President Lorenzo Snow who said, "When you find yourself a little gloomy, look around you and find somebody that is in a worse plight than yourself; go to him and find out what the trouble is, then try to remove it with the wisdom which the Lord bestows upon you; and the first thing you know, your gloom is gone, you feel light, the Spirit of the Lord is upon you, and everything seems illuminated." I love the quotes from the Prophets, they inspire me to try and do better. I received a nice thank you card from the Mother of young man I made the quilt for. She seems like such a wonderful person. I know how devastating it is to lose a loved one to a terrible accident. But one thing I have learned is that our Heavenly Father is aware of us and our trials. He loves us and wants us to live worthy so we can return to him. I know that if my life was always rainbows and butterflies I would not make the necessary changes to become a better disciple of Christ. Life will continue to move on and hopefully I will be up for the next "bump in the road."

The Pterodactyl Is Back

I have been so emotional today. I don't know if it is because I am exhausted or just this weekend stirred up a bunch of feelings I haven't dealt with for a long time. I have often felt like I should have done better in lots of things in my life. Like be a better friend, wife, mother, and now grandmother. As I looked around at all my classmates I realized that I didn't really do much to befriend many of them. I know that being a teenager is a hard place to be. We are starting to see that with our oldest granddaughter who will turn twelve in August. I should have done a better job of studying and worrying less about my social life, and included more people into my life. Last week was really hard on me. Something or someone killed my cat, I found a chicken, or should I say parts of a chicken, (the feet and wings) in the pen. Feathers were all over the place. There again something, I'm assuming a big bird swooped in and killed it. Then yesterday when I went out to do my chores I put fish food in one of my ponds and there weren't any fish. I had moved all my fancy goldfish with the big bulged eyes and fancy tails into a bigger habitat because they needed some more room to swim, plus the water was green. Anyway, on the way to my reunion Rich had told me that our Pterodactyl was back. That is the name we gave this huge blue heron crane who comes in and eats all my fish. I was feeling pretty confidant that he couldn't get to my fish, but I was wrong. After church I went out and moved some of my BIG goldfish from the waterfall pond and put them in the little pond. I was moving a plant when I noticed that some of my fancy fish survived, they were just hiding from the crane. Aren't they smart? So that cheered me up a little bit. I remember studying "survival of the fittest" in science as a kid, I guess it is going on in my own backyard. Or as Rich says "it's just all part of the food chain." Well, I hope my mood is better tomorrow because Jenn and my sister are coming over to make green corn tamales. It is close to Cinco de Mayo isn't it? Plus my favorite holiday is coming up, all you mothers out there know how much we love Mother's Day!

Been There, Done That, Got the T Shirt

Friends having lunch

Rich and I ready to leave for the reunion

This weekend has been a whirlwind for me. I have been stressing for the last month about attending my 40th high school reunion. I think I only went to one other one probably the 10 year and I remember thinking how "not fun" it was. As we were driving in the car my husband said, "I just hate getting old." I said, well you have a choice between getting old or dieing so take your pick." High school is hard for lots of kids, I know it was for me. I had tons of friends in grade school but as I got ready to move on to high school most of my friends decided to start doing things I had been taught to avoid, so it was time to find some new friends which I did. I was an athlete, not a cheerleader, dancer, or a scholar. On Friday night we went to the reunion which was held at the zoo. Yes, really, at the Phoenix Zoo. We picked up my sister and her husband Larry and we hiked into the zoo in our darling attire. We were sent to a place called Ruby's Place. As we got closer we could hear lots of laughter so on we went up the hill in the dirt to a dark crowded place and picked up our name tags and tickets to get our two complimentary drinks. I couldn't see anyone because there was so little light and those I did see I didn't recognize. I felt so bad when people would come up to me and I could not for the life of me figure out who they were. I didn't even do drugs in high school so I don't have an excuse. We finally did find some of my friends and we spent the rest of the evening just sitting and talking about old times. We left at about ten and hiked back down to our car where I almost started to cry. Sitting on a cement barrier for two hours had made my hip feel like it would explode. But we got home and after a few Aleve, Tylenol and Advil we went to bed. Saturday was fun as I met four good friends from school for lunch and we reminisced for three hours. I finally said, "I need to go home and get a nap before the big party tonight." After my nap it was time to get in the shower and get really gussied up for the main part of the reunion. Friday night was just a warm up, "a meet and greet", but sat. was the real deal. After spending two hours getting ready we headed over to get Mell and Larry and off to the zoo we went. This time we got to go into a different part of the zoo which actually had lights so we could see who we were talking to. We sat at a table with the same friends I went to lunch with. We ate Mexican food, which Rich thought was the worst he had ever had, I didn't think it was that bad. We saw who we wanted to see and left at around 9 p.m. They had a band and alcohol but since we don't dance or drink it was time to go home. As we were leaving there were some girls there from the class of 2012 selling T shirts and key chains. I bought one of the shirts that says, "CORONADO ALUMNI Forever a Don" on the back. I just had to help the kids of tomorrow in a small way. As Rich and I went walking out of the zoo arm in arm I said, "I can really say I've been there, done that and got the T shirt." All in all I'm glad I went. It is so out of character for me to put myself in a situation with hundreds of people that I don't know in a social situation. I was so proud of myself for going out of my comfort zone and doing something that was really hard for me. As we were driving home I realized how much I have changed since Kamber's passing. I would normally be too self conscious and embarrassed to show up knowing that I don't look like I did in high school anymore. Most of the people there didn't. But I know what HELL is now and going to my high school reunion wasn't as bad as losing a grandchild, and I survived. I'm happy for that. I still don't know if I will be willing to attend my 50th, oh well I have ten years to worry about that!

Mell and I at the entrance to the Zoo