First Thanksgiving Without Dad

I've been emotional for the last few days. There's something about Thanksgiving that makes me melancholy. This year is different.  It's the first year we don't have Dad presiding over dinner and we all miss him. I can't tell how many times these last ten months I've heard, "I wish Dad was here, he would help." The passing of my Dad has been hard on Mom.  She doesn't talk about it but I can tell it has taken the wind out of her sails. Our family is changing as the children grow up and have other families to go have Thanksgiving with. It really is a lot easier not having such a big crowd and lots of little kids but it still isn't the same. Mindi spent all yesterday morning in tears as she is struggling with some stress. Any mother that has five children can understand the worry and hard work it takes to raise teenagers. Sometimes it puts me back to the feelings I had all alone day after day trying to do the best I could, never seeming to measure up. I see Rich working harder than he ever has and never seeming to get ahead, wondering how long he can keep this up. Even though sometimes life seems so hard, I realize it could be so much worse. Last year I had the feeling Dad wouldn't be here this year and I was right. He fought a good fight and I can't imagine how much pain he suffered those years with cancer. He was thankful for everyday he had and when he couldn't take it any more he went home. As I was walked outside tonight in the West sky the most beautiful moon was coming up. I have so much to be grateful for, but I still miss my Dad.

Are My Prayers Really Answered?

Last night when Rich and I pulled up from going out to dinner I saw one of our dogs across the street. After getting him in the gate, I realized that my ten year old yellow lab was missing. I went out several times looking for him but couldn't find him. I even asked a guy on a bike if he had seen an old white dog in the neighborhood. He told us where he last saw him but after driving around for a half hour we gave up.  I woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. Even though he is a very old dog, I still didn't want anything to happen to him.  I was praying all night and this morning hoping I would get an answer to where we could find him.  Last night as I was calling his name I thought I could hear him barking but then it would stop.  When Mindi got home this morning from volleyball try-outs I told her we needed to really try and find Sonny.  We looked to see if Animal Control had picked him up or if someone had him and were looking for his owners. We finally decided to walk down the horse path by our house and give it one more try. We went down a ways and decided to turn around and head home. About half way home we stopped as we heard a loud groan. Mindi jumped  the fence to find Sonny in the irrigation ditch with both his front paws struck in the metal grate. I called Dave and he came to help and Trace brought a wagon down and we lifted him up and brought him home. After a warm bath, some first aid treatment and a couple of hot dogs he is resting on the floor on a blanket. I'm pretty sure that if we hadn't found him he would have just died there in the ditch. I often wonder if Heavenly Father really answers my prayers but after today I'm certain that he is aware of me and my needs and concerns. I don't know if Sonny will make it through this ordeal but I'm so thankful we were able to find him, now I need a nap.

On To Thanksgiving, Mom Turns 86

I've spent the last few weeks obsessed with getting my pomegranate harvest taken care of. I spent all morning yesterday making another three batches of jelly and then I hit the wall. My back has been bothering me and everything seems like it's getting harder to do. This morning when I woke up I was in one of those moods, and I'm tired. Sometimes life just gets to be too hard and seems like there are too many challenges. I went with my sister this morning to get our B-12 shots and found myself venting to her about my concerns. Now that I'm home, I can calm down a little bit and start thinking about my blessings instead of all the those little irritations. My Mom had a birthday yesterday and turned 86. We took her to dinner at Charleston's on Tuesday night and it was fun to get together to celebrate with her.  I know she has changed since Dad passed away last January. She seems different, which I can understand. I worry about her being alone but know she doesn't want to leave her home and I respect that. I'm thankful for every day we have her with us and hope we have many more years to celebrate her birthday.  I have seven days to get my house in order to host Thanksgiving. Life is changing for us as the kids get married have children and grandchildren. We aren't going to have that big of a group for dinner so even though we will miss them I understand. This is the season to be thankful, so instead of thinking about all the things I wish were different, I'm going to try and concentrate on those things I love and show gratitude for them.

Jelly Making, Blanket Sewing and Riding My Bike

I can't believe it's already Thursday. I've been busy making jelly and sewing a few baby quilts for my never ending amount of Grandchildren. I'm not complaining, they are such a blessing to me.  I am amazed at how it seems life is changing. It takes so much more time to do everything, especially cleaning and sewing. I remember when I got a lot more accomplished in a day than I do now, but I just keep plugging along. I was talking to someone the other day about the death of their Grandma. This person said, "it's just so sad and final to think we will never see her again." I said, "what are you talking about? I totally believe we will see our loved ones again on the other side." To this they answered. "You may believe that but that doesn't mean it is true." I have had too many experiences to not believe this earth life is only a temporary stage for us to be tested and have an experience with a body until it is time to go home.  This week one of my Mom's best friends grandson committed suicide in his home. He suffered with depression for a very long time but at the age of twenty-four he decided to take his own life. The funeral was yesterday and I could tell when talking to Mom just how sad everyone is about this. I've suffered from anxiety and depression too, but I would never think taking my life would solve anything. I'm not judging anyone else because I have been in a dark place many times. The weather has been beautiful and it's beginning to feel like Fall is here. Some of our trees are changing colors and the leaves will start falling off and our citrus is changing from green to orange, something we love every year, fresh orange juice. With the nice weather I've been riding my bike everyday with Mindi and Trulie. I'm trying to built up the muscles in my legs and burn a few calories, it also gets me out of my nightgown and dressed for the day which takes some encouragement most days.

Juicing Done, Jelly Next

I love the smell of fresh pomegranate juice. It brings back so many memories of our family picking and juicing this fruit together. I remember one year when Dad was struggling with cancer, he suggested we just buy some instead of picking them. I'm sure it's because it is really hard work to drive around, get on a ladder and pick the fruit for a senior citizen, or anyone for that matter. After my Mom squashed his idea of buying thousands, it became a joke between Dad and I. Every year when the pomegranates showed up in the grocery store for $2.99 a piece, I would call and ask him how many he wanted me to buy? On Wednesday as Mindi and I went through the produce department there they were, the first box of Pomegranates of the season.  I made the comment  how I wished I could call him and ask him how many he wanted me to purchase, then hear him laugh or give me a number. I miss him so much. Yesterday I started juicing at 8:00 a.m. and finally finished at 4:00 p.m.. Mindi and her kids helped me for a couple of hours but I did most of them by myself.  When Rich passed through from work and his scout day camp calling, I told him I didn't think I could do this again by myself. I didn't get much sympathy, just a comment how he could cut down our nine trees then. Things are changing in the family as our parents get old and pass away, and I'm no spring chicken either. After yesterday I don't know how many more years I will have the strength to do it. If the next generation doesn't want to embrace this tradition it will be the end of our pomegranate jelly making. That would be so sad for all of us who have worked so hard, starting with Aunt Tenna. Now next week the real fun begins as I spend many more hours making jelly, I'll need to rest up a couple of days before I start the next step. I'm tired and have a headache today.

Working Hard on the Pomegranate Harvest

I just got back from my morning bike ride. I've been trying hard to make it a habit to get at least a mile done each day. Mindi walks while Trulie and I ride our bikes to her pre-school and then we continue around the big block. Today was really nice as a storm is moving in so it's cool and windy. You really can't beat the weather here in spring and fall, it's just the summer that is pure miserable.  We've been working hard trying to get our harvest of pomegranates picked and juiced. Last Friday Julie and Aubrey came down and we juiced for a few hours. Then yesterday Mindi and I continued all morning until we were tired. This morning my niece Victoria came over to help pick so she and my other niece will juice tomorrow at my sister's house.  This has been a weird year with my Mom and Sister not able to help and my Dad gone, it's put most of the work on Mindi and me.  I remember last year when we were all here working hard I could tell Dad was struggling. I knew he didn't feel well but he continued to help us as long as he could. I had the feeling it would be our last time working together on this project and I was right as he passed away a few months later. As I was juicing yesterday I was looking at my hands and I could see my Dad's hands in mine. It was a strange feeling to think of him as I worked. Things are changing in the family as we get older and busier. I'm afraid that if we don't get more help in the future the pomegranate jelly may be a thing of the past, it's way too much work for a couple of people, we almost need an army.