"The Uses of Adversity"

I have spent most of the last two weeks riding in the car going from Goodwill to Hobby Lobby, JoAnns's and several other stores, trying to get costumes for Mindi's kids. By Sat. I was so tired I didn't even want to go to the ward party. Not to mention wanting to avoid some people who have disappointed me and made me lose respect for them. Anyway, I never have liked Halloween. As a young mother I was so glad when the calender turned to November and the Trick or Treat candy was gone and I could put all the scary decorations away and bring out the pilgrims and fall leaves. As I spent most of yesterday in a bad mood and stupor of thought, I woke up today with the thought I need to make changes in my life. I don't know how I will accomplish it, but hopefully I can get myself out of the mess I'm in and find a more healthy place emotionally and physically to live. In my almost sixty years I've had some hard trials. While raising my kids I felt overwhelmed and out of control most of the time. I spent many years going from doctor to doctor trying to find a cure for some of my symptoms. I had surgeries and tests run but finally just gave up and realized this was going to be my life. After Kamber drowned I felt a shift in my energy and my spirit. How could I go on after the tragic loss of that innocent child? I prayed a lot and read eveything I could, to try and make sense of my feelings. I was given a book called the "The Uses of Adversity," by Carlfred Broderick. At the end of the book he says, "My witness to you, is that God lives, and he does not live less though you have injustice and adversity and pain and unkindness and violence and betrayal. God is in his heaven. We chose to come to an unjust world and suffer. But God is God, and he loves us. His son died for us. There is for each of us, because of who we are and who he is and who we are together, hope. There is hope." So eventhough life gets overwhelming and dissapointing and hurtful, there is hope, that's all I have right now.

"If The Savior Stood Beside Me"

I had the hardest time getting to sleep last night. Tristyn had her last volleyball game against a good team from Mesa High. We lost the first two games and then came back and won the last three, something I never thought would happen. She is the youngest player on the varsity at only fourteen years old, but proved to be so tough with her ability and leadership. We were so proud of her. As I tried to wind down I opened up my e-mails and found one from someone in my ward. Part of it said, "I want you to know that we signed the petition without enough information (you know they were using alarming statements like ...alcohol, traffic, loud music." Then she goes on to say that she will support my friend and to take her name off the petition. I was so touched I almost started crying in bed. I wish Rich would have still been awake so we could have talked about this change of heart. So at 1:00 a.m. I was still awake trying to figure a way to open the eyes of all those who are making my friend's life a "living hell" right now. As I was out feeding my animals my thoughts went back to when Mindi and I taught the 10-11 year old girls in Primary. The highlight of my week was when LeAnn would teach those little children the new songs for the program. One that stands out in my mind is, "If the Savior Stood Beside Me." Some of the words are: "If the Savior stood beside me, would I do the things I do? Would I think of His commandments and try harder to be true? Would I follow His example? Would I live more righteously if I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me? If the Savior stood beside me, would I say the things I say? Would my words be true and kind if He were never far away? Would I try to share the gospel? Would I speak more rev'rently if I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me." I remember feeling the spirit as those little children sang those words. I found a quote by President Gordon B. Hinkley from his talk "The Need For Greater Kindness in April 2006 where he says,"Why do any of us have to be so mean and unkind to others? Why can't all of us reach out in friendship to everyone about us?" Maybe all of us adults need to go back to Primary and learn what they are teaching our children and grandchildren, the world would then be a better place to live.

"Adult Bullying Right Here in Gilbert"

I have wondered lately why I'm taking this fight against my friend so personal. Why do I care what members of my ward and some who I thought would support her do? I know my blood pressure is up and the loss of sleep has taken a toll on my health. As Rich and I were on our way to church the "light" came on. I realized that what these neighbors are doing to my friend is no less than "adult bullying." They watch her property and when she has an event, they are there taking pictures and listening over the fence hoping she will do something wrong so they can report her to the city. It's really sad. As a child in school I remember being made fun of because my name rhymed with beer, queer and rear. I was better in sports than most of the boys, so that was another way to hurt me. As my kids rode the school bus in Lehi with some of the Native American kids off the reservation, Mindi would come home with spit all over her hair from them. We had to pull Candi out of Moutain View High School and sell our dream home and move to Gilbert, because she was afraid of some girls who had threatened to kill her. That's the truth! I worry for my seventeen grand kids with all the cyberspace stuff and wonder which one of them will be stalked on the Internet. We could have pulled our kids out of school to protect them from all the negative aspects of growing up, but hopefully the experiences they had have made them better, stronger and more tolerant of others. Our family will continue to help a friend who has been wrongly treated and hopefully the truth will be told and those that have been unkind will get what is coming to them. We all get to pay for those things we do, myself included, as I'm a firm believer in Karma. Besides, if my friend loses her fight with the neighbors and has to sell her home and move, they will miss out on having a wonderful person as a neighbor. Isn't it ironic that October is National Anti-Bullying month?

"Cease and Desist"

I remember a few years ago having a discussion with my attorney brother on how I didn't see how attorneys could represent people who had committed terrible crimes get away with it. I was told that the Constitution made sure that everyone is entitled to "due process" and to be defended by an attorney. I made the mistake yesterday of getting into a political discussion with my sister. Boy, do we disagree on just about every ideology. I called my dear friend who I'm trying to help get her "bar", reception venue passed by the city and she sounded terrible. The hateful, venomous, lying neighbors had gone to the city to make her stop doing anything on her property until the final hearing in November. The City brought out a Cease and Desist letter prompted by complaints from the most "intolerant people" Rich has ever seen. So all last night I tossed and turned, trying to find a way to help my friend and get justice for her. I had thoughts of retaliation, pickets, and nasty letters. When I woke up I was too tired to do anything so, I went in and opened the scriptures and just read. I started thinking about all the good things my friend does for people. She goes to the mortuaries and does peoples hair after they pass away, getting them ready for burial. She decorates for people who are struggling in this economy and did a wedding for a bride whose parents never paid her a penny because she didn't want to ruin the bride's day. As I thought of the many things she has done and what a good person she is, I had this calm feeling that justice will prevail for her. If it is true that our Heavenly Father knows us, loves us, and wants what is best for us, things will work out for her, No Matter what happens. I know sometimes when I write on my blog it comes off hateful, distasteful, exaggerated and negative. These are my real feelings and this is my blog. If it offends you, PLEASE don't read it and stay away from me. For those of you who are my friends and honestly care about me, thank you.

"Keep Your Friends Close"

These last couple of weeks have been really rough. I have spent a good deal of time with my parents at the cancer center having tests run and talking to doctors about my Dad's prognosis. I watched my big strong Dad look white and scared. I asked him what he wanted the doctor to say to him. He answered, "I want him to tell me I'm going to live." I have thought a lot lately of what I would do if I was told I had a terminal illness. Would I bankrupt my family trying to prolong my life, or would I cut my loses and go see Kamber? When Spencer moved to Boston I knew it was going to be hard. Then when he got hurt and had surgery I wasn't there for him. This last week they had another baby and I didn't get to hold him after he came from our Heavenly Father like I have with all the other grand kids. My fear of flying is causing me to miss out on lots of things I want to do, which really makes me sad. I've been trying to help a friend with her problem getting her venue passed with the city. The thought that keeps coming to my mind is "keep your friends close and your enemies even closer." This means that you always want to keep your friends close to you because they are the people you can trust. The second part means that your enemies are always going to be out there seeking to harm you, so you want to keep a close eye on them. My problem is that now I don't even know who my friends are. We all are entitled to our opinions and I respect anyone who has one even if I don't agree with them. The problem is when people I respected are shown to be dishonest in their opinions. I have faith that things will turn out for the best which ever way it goes. I'm glad to know who some of my friends are, that means a lot.

Birthdays, Chemo and a New Grandbaby.

Yesterday my sister and I spent the morning with our parents at the cancer hospital. We got the sad news that my Dad's cancer is spreading like wildfire. So in order to try and put the fire out, he started chemotherapy this morning. We also had three birthdays in the family yesterday, so it seemed like I was celebrating all day long. After taking my sister out for lunch, I took a little nap until the rest of the family arrived to celebrate Trent's 9th birthday. I was so tired this morning it was nice to just stay home and do chores around the house. I was waiting for a call from Spencer to tell me how he and Annie were progressing at the hospital as they were having their 4th child. In the meantime my sister called to tell me that her son-in-law was headed to urgent care with severe pain from what they think are kidney stones. Are all families this crazy? Today is B.J.'s birthday so he and Candi are spending the day together but after the parties yesterday they can celebrate with his family. I just got to talk to Spencer and Annie and see a picture of their new little baby boy. He is safely here and weighs 8 pounds. That makes 17 grandchildren, 9 boys and 8 girls, someone needs to step up to the plate and have another girl to make it an even 18. We are having "joy in our posterity" but wow, it sure can be stressful at times, we wouldn't have it any other way though. At least we won't forget the day that Dad started chemo and our little grand baby was born, 10-11-12, how cool is that?

I Loved Conference

I absolutely loved listening to Conference. I felt the spirit in the music and talks. I cried as I listened to the Brother's talk about his young son who choked on a piece of chalk and passed away. I haven't had those feelings that strong since Kamber drowned four years ago. As he talked about the sadness, despair, hopelessness and guilt, I realized that we will all go through trials during this mortal life. It seems like after the two day feast of the spirit I go into kind of a fog. I try and process all that was said and try see how far I am away from being like the Savior. All I can do is try and make each day a time to repent and try harder. Last week my sister and I went to the MD Anderson Cancer Center with my Dad. We had never been there before and as we walked the long halls to join my parents, I became anxious. There is a specific smell to the place, whether it's the chemo drugs or just the building, it was scary at first. I saw some patients who were alone in wheelchairs with oxygen waiting for their treatments. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity they called us back. They took Dad's vitals and weighed him and put us in a room. The doctor came in a few minutes later and he looked so young. After an hour long lecture on all the details of his diagnosis and possible treatments we were ready to get the heck out of there. After sitting for two hours I could barely walk, my hip was killing me and I had to hold on to the rail as we left. I told my sister," I hope I never have to go through what these people are going through." She said, "you may never get cancer but the way you are walking it looks like you will be in a wheelchair soon." Hopefully I will be able to make a decision soon on what I need to do about my hip, I'm still waiting for that inspiration I was promised in a blessing I received from my Dad a few weeks ago. This week is going to be busy with birthdays, doctors appointments and the birth of Spencer and Annie's fourth baby tomorrow. I am truly blessed beyond belief and thankful for everything I have been given, even the trials.

"What Would The Savior Do?"

I woke up early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Rich wasn't there to talk to, he's still in Utah visiting with his family, so I was alone with just my thoughts. I have tried really hard while helping a dear friend fight a battle that would stop her from pursuing her dream, to not take the actions of others personal. When Mindi and I sent out an e-mail asking for help we were hurt that only two people responded with a "sure what can we do?" We had one send a response of "no we won't help and we are going to do everything we can even lie, to make her go away." After she won the hearing on Wed. Rich came home and told me he couldn't believe how "venomous, hateful and intolerant" the people were to my friend in the meeting. I have felt all the emotions one can have when dealing with something like this. We got copies of the petitions that went around in the neighborhood fighting her and they had 150 signatures of which around twenty of them were members of my ward. As my thoughts went wild this morning I finally felt some peace, this is why we live in America. We not only have freedom of religion, freedom of speech and many more freedoms, but we have also been given our "free agency" by our Heavenly Father to do anything we want. At some point I believe we will have to answer for some of our actions. I was so happy and relieved when the commissioners passed the permit for my friend until I was told the "hateful, venomous neighbors" have decided to appeal the decision. So for now the fight moves on and will probably get bigger and nastier but hopefully truth will prevail. I will now spend the next two days listening to Conference. I'm sure I will be told to be kind, be a good neighbor, be tolerant of others beliefs and many others, but the one I'm sure will be told that will be the most important to me, is how we must forgive if we want to be forgiven. I remember when I have been going through hard times before my Mom always saying, "Teri, do what you think the Savior would do." If only it was that easy.

Another Sleepless Night

I had another almost sleepless night last night. There were three important events I needed and wanted to do but found myself at only one of them. I wanted to watch the Presidential debate, go to the hearing for my friend at Town Hall and Tristyn had a volleyball game where they were raising money for curing cancer.  Mindi spent two days making cookies to sell and then yesterday I helped her make caramel popcorn. Rich and Dave went to support my friend Marlene, while I went to the game to help Mindi with the kids. When I got home I tried to watch the debate I had on DVR but my mind was on what was going on at the city. Dave was texting updates as to who was speaking and what was happening. It was around 11:00 p.m. when Mindi came down with the news that they ruled in favor of my friend with a 4-2 vote.Whew! When Rich finally got home, we talked about what he listened to and he couldn't believe how mean and hateful those neighbors were to my friend. Thanks to a lawyer friend, the Pastor of the church next to her and the good members and neighbors of the Pioneer Ward they were able to get the votes needed for her to run her little wedding reception business. This experience has made me realize just how naive I am about people, how I think some are my friends who really aren't and how spreading lies and distortions don't win in the end. I just hope everything works out the way I hope it will. Rich is on his way to Utah for his mission reunion, I always have mixed feeling when he goes, I'm happy that he gets to see all his companions and his family up there but have the feeling of being left behind, even though it is by my choice. I know how fast this weekend will go by with all the shopping, watching conference and working on quilts and crafts. He will be home before I know it, besides I am on baby watch as Annie is due any minute with our 17th grandchild. We don't know what sex the baby is, so it will be a surprise for all of us. Collecting both pink and blue stuff has been fun.

"Count Your Blessings"

I  just got a call from Spencer wanting to know why we are still in the 100"s. I told him I didn't know, but I sure wish I could get out of here for awhile. Where would I go if I could go anywhere in the world? Hum, that would take a while to figure out. It seems like the closer I get to sixty years old the more the "light" has come on. I sometimes feel like I'm becoming my parents and the things I find myself saying are those same words that have been told me all my life. When I was young and dumb, I cared so much about my friends. I didn't treat my sister very well, she was too smart, played the piano, and was too obedient, not cool. I was between the oldest perfect sister and the golden child brother. Where did I fit in? I remember my Aunt Tenna telling me that friends were good, but the only people that will be there in the end for you is your family. It's taken me all these years to figure that one out. Yesterday all the kids and grand kids came over for dinner except the Boston Larsens. While talking to Spencer and hearing him say how beautiful it is back East with the leaves turning all shades of yellow, orange and red, I became so sad. I miss them so much. After telling him my struggles with pain, disappointment and sadness he assured me that everyone has problems. "Count your blessings, name them one by one," I shouldn't have to keep reminding myself that I have more than I deserve. It was fun watching the kids jump on the trampoline and glide down the zipline, but there are some missing, the saddest one being Kamber. As Troy went out the door this morning he was brimming with smiles. It's his birthday today and when I asked him how old he was, he answered "six" it made me realize that Kamber would be six too. She will be forever two in my head. Life is hard, and it's not fair, that continues to be my motto.