Confused and Discouraged

Rich has little sayings he has said since we've been married. One of them is "are you confused, discouraged and looking for something better." I guess that is what the missionaries used in the discussions in the 70's when he was in Canada. I have thought of that quote often these last few months as the lingering depression of Kamber's passing, the economy has gone to h*#, and everything in our lives has changed. I am confused, discouraged and looking for something better. It seems like as we age things begin to fall apart. Our bodies aren't looking so "hot" and sometimes we don't feel that great either. Instead of having four children to worry about, we have eight children and twelve grandchildren to fret over. Anyway, all those things are blessings, but with the blessings comes the stress. For the last thirty-three years I have tried to do all I can to make the lives of my family better. I cleaned, washed clothes, dishes, dogs, and anything else that needed it. Rich would go with the scouts or hunting or whatever and I stayed home. Sometimes I could have gone but I developed "agoraphobia" after the loss of a pregnancy. So by choice I've stayed home in my little world. Anyway, I'm going out on a limb and leaving for Salt Lake in the morning. I'm taking a little trip, riding with my sister Mell and her husband Larry. I am afraid to fly so they have been kind enough to take the "slow boat to China" route. Rich will fly up Thursday afternoon and we will see family, shop and attend his missionary reunion with Elder Ballard on Friday evening. Then we will start our trip home on Saturday. Mindi has been kind enough to volunteer, (Ha, Ha,) to feed the animals, water the plants and keep our house safe. We appreciate her so much. She does so much service for us and all of our family. I know that by being the oldest she has been dumped on lots, but we love her and are so grateful that she is our daughter. Candi came over this week and cut all our hair and made us beautiful for at least the next couple of weeks. We love and appreciate her service too. I have the best kids. I know everyone thinks they do, but I'm sorry mine are the best. I hope we have a safe trip, say a prayer for me because I need all the help I can get.

It is What it Is

Yesterday was hectic, that isn't anything new, Sundays are always hectic for me. We had the Primary Program in Sacrament Meeting and the kids did really well. It's always good for a few laughs as some of the little Sunbeams can't talk very well. Some of the kids yell in the microphone, some you can barely hear, and others you have know idea what they just said. Anyway, I did really well until the closing song. It is one of my very favorite songs the kids sing. It is "The Family is of God." I really felt the spirit of those little children and the tears began to flow. When you lose a young child there is always that thought, "what would she look like now, what would she be doing?" I had this overwhelming sadness that Kamber will never be in a Primary Program. Maybe she is happy about that and maybe she was just too good to be on this wicked earth, but it still makes me sad. I guess that is selfish of me to want to be able to watch her perform, or grow up and play sports, get married and have her own family but "it is what it is." I have a testimony and faith that I will see her again, that she will be able to have all these experiences that she missed because of her early passing, but it doesn't make it any easier right now. Maybe in a few more weeks, months or years, but not now. Losing Kamber has tested my testimony more than any experience in my life and I hope to not have one as hard, but life is brutal. We all have to go through some crappy stuff to prove what we are made of. I asked a friend of mine "if Heavenly Father knows the "beginning from the end," and he already knows what my choices will be, then why do I need to go through all this?" He said, "yes he knows what you are going to do, but do you know what you are going to do? You need to prove what your choices will be." So, I will just keep plugging along trying to do the best I can in the situation I'm in because, "it is what it is" oh how true that is.

I'm Up and Taking Nouishment

One of my favorite people in my life has been my Aunt Tenna. She is my Mother's only sister who passed away in the year 2000 from a botched heart surgery. When asked how she was doing she would reply "well I'm up and taking nourishment." I guess that meant she was okay. Well, yesterday Candi came and did our hair and before she left Troy threw-up. Then I started feeling sick and Candi called me and said she was feeling nauseous. Well, I ended up spending the rest of the day in bed sick. I haven't been that sick since I did my colon cleanse for my colonoscopy. I was still up at 1:00 a.m. trying to find a way to calm my stomach. Every time I would eat or drink something it would pass right through me. I feel better this morning but am really weak. After lying in bed all day I decided if I ever get bedridden I want to pass on to the next life. I've been reading a book called, "21 Days Closer to CHRIST." It just gives a little story from the scriptures and then gives a little discussion on becoming closer to Christ. Yesterday I read about the woman in the scriptures who was plagued by an illness for more than twelve years. She knew that if she could just get close enough to the Savior to touch his robe she would be healed. She had that much faith. Then she gives a quote from Joseph Smith, "Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is, although we may not see the reason thereof till long after the events transpire." I wish I had the faith to know that all these experiences will make me a better person, more like the Savior. I am thankful today to be up and out of bed and taking nourishment, being sick makes me appreciate the days I feel good. Hopefully I will be back to normal soon.

Quilting for the Love of Kamber

Last night we went to Ethan and Jenn's to celebrate Kylie's birthday. She turns seven today and it is always fun to get everyone together and laugh and EAT. Notice that the Larsen's love to eat. Anyway, Jenn's Mom Madeline was there and we started talking about how we are coping with the death of our very active and darling granddaughter Kamber. She was saying that she was moving on but there isn't a day that goes by without thinking about her and wondering what she would look like and what she would be doing. I basically feel the same way and then we started talking about some of our last memories of her. Madeline reminded me of when we attended the blessing of Brookie and how Kamber wouldn't be reverent, then I told her about one of my last memories. I remember that I had made her a new quilt, her baby one was getting a little nasty looking. Jenn was trying to put her in her car seat so she took the new blanket and moved it so she could buckle her in. Well, Kamber didn't quite appreciate her taking her "blankey" away. People that know me well know that I love to quilt. I'm not a master quilter, but I love to piece fabric together and see what I get when it's finished. I started quilting when I was pregnant with Mindi and getting fat and bored with Rich working all day and me being alone most of the time. I have made so many blankets I couldn't even guess how many. I have been quilting lately and have made about four in the last couple of weeks. Every time I work on one I think about Kamber and her love of quilts. Of all my grandchildren, I think she loved them the most. I have been told I should make them and sell them. My quilts are a labor of love for those I give them to and I could never make a profit on them because people wouldn't pay enough to make it worth selling them. I just do it for the love of it and the love I feel for those I give them to.

E.S.P.

My Mother-In-Law used to tell me that she had ESP. I would just roll my eyes and think, "yeh, sure you do." Anyway, I think I have picked it up from her because lately I think I have E.S.P. too. The last few weeks I have had this feeling that I'm going to get stung by a scorpion. I have been so careful to watch where I'm walking and when I lift something off the ground I make sure to shake it out in case one of those nasty little creatures is lurking around. Anyway, last night I was getting dressed to go to an open house of a missionary in our ward, I pulled my jeans off the chair and put them on. As I got them half way up I felt a pain in the side of my leg. It was intense and felt like a hundred little needles were poking and then it went tingly and numb. I pulled my pants off and yelled at Rich that I had been stung by a scorpion. He came running in and turned my pants inside out and shook them but found nothing. Now I'm thinking that maybe I'm hallucinating, but I've been stung before and you never forget what it feels like. We went on to the open house but by then my leg was throbbing and so painful I could hardly walk. We came home and I put everything on it I could think of. I tried ice, benedryl, lavender oil, I even mixed baking soda and water into a paste. Nothing was helping so I just took a bunch of Tylenol and Motrin and tried to get some sleep. I barely got a few hours rest and it wasn't until this afternoon that the numbness and pain have subsided. I hate scorpions, we have had them in every house we have lived in here in Arizona. I used to feel sorry for them when I found them in my house I would take them out to the end of our street and let them go, but no more. From now on I will smash them and flush them down the toilet. I need to work more on my E.S.P. so next time I will know where they are hiding.

Thankful for a Workaholic

I am embarrassed to say that I have done my fair share of complaining about being married to a workaholic. I have blamed that for everything from my weight problem to my anxiety. If anyone knows Rich they soon understand that he loves to work. He loves to be busy doing something; anything. He is always trying to make this earth a better and prettier place. He is the one who plants the flowers in our front yard every year. He has helped many scouts get their Eagle Projects done even though he was never an Eagle Scout. (I think they need to give him an honorary Eagle for all the time and money he has donated.) Anyway, I was just outside working and realized how blessed I am to have a husband who enjoys working and is so generous. He has given away so much time and money it amazes me. I haven't always been nice about it but as our economy has gone to hell, I was just thinking how blessed I am to be married to someone who understands what it takes to keep us going. I think we are all being humbled and we need to get our lives in order because we don't have a clue how bad it will truly get before our economy rebounds. My attitude has changed, instead of resenting him for working all day Saturday, I'm grateful he has work. I still don't know if we can pull out of this hole and keep our business going, but I know Rich will do everything possible. In Primary this year the kids are singing a song in the program called "The Family Is of God." The second verse says, "A father's place is to preside, provide, to love and teach the gospel to his children. A father leads in family prayer to share their love for Father in Heaven." I hope my sons and sons-in law will realize how important it is to work hard in everything they do to be an example to their children. I haven't always appreciated all that Rich has done for me, but my eyes have been opened now.

The Best We Can Be

Once a month I go to an appointment where I work on myself. He usually asks me what I want to get out of our session together. The answer is usually, "joy, peace, acceptance or happiness." Yesterday was different. I said, "I want to be skinny." According to my Mother I was so small when born they couldn't find any shoes to fit my little feet. Now that I wear a size 11 I find that hard to believe. Even as a young child and in my teenage years I was bigger than all my friends. I wasn't fat, just very muscular and athletic. I have never been happy no matter what. As I think about it I became so sad that my whole life I have wanted to be something different than what I am. When I was going to ASU in one of my classes I remember the Professor saying, "The only way to guarantee a thin body is to choose your parents." Okay, then why didn't I choose skinny parents? (Well, my Mom is quite thin, but I guess us kids got the large genes from my Father's side.) As I have thought about it today I need to be thankful for my body and for my parents for giving me the best they had. I look at my kids and I'm thankful for the health they have. I know that if I were very petite Spencer wouldn't be in the NFL. I did the best I could with what I had to offer, years and years of DNA passed down from my ancestors who were pioneers and came across the plains and lived to tell about it. I do want to drop some lbs. and feel good about myself, but most of all I want to be happy with the person I am inside and out.

KARMA

Mindi wrote in a blog last week that I have often wondered why I would graduate from college to be a school teacher when I don't really like kids. That isn't really what I meant. I love kids. I especially love my own children and grandchildren. I just think I'm a little burned out. I was married only 10 months when I had my first child. I absolutely loved my little precious baby but with her came the "up all night syndrome." She would take a big nap between 5:00 & 10:00 p.m. and then when Rich went to bed I would be up "Wrestling Alligators" all night. As we added three more children to our family it became obvious that I was "way over my head" with four very active and LOUD children. I will say that they are my best friends and my life would not be the same without them, but I soon learned that I am not the most patient and tolerant person around. I was just reminded of this when Mindi left me with Troy while she went to the orthodontist and Hobby Lobby. Troy is a "darling" as my Mother would say, but talk about demanding and stubborn, not to mention the constant whining. He wins the award for that. He came bringing me a bag of animal graham crackers that hadn't been opened yet. I tried to get him to have some lunch, but that went over like a lead balloon. Then he wanted some "nunyuk" when translated means chocolate milk. I got a sippy cup out of the cabinet and made him a nice big cup of it and handed it to him and he started yelling at me again because he didn't like the cup I put his milk in. By then I was almost in tears and hoping Mindi would get home soon. She came in and made him some chicken nuggets and he didn't quite appreciate that they were hot and wanted her to blow on them for him. All I heard her say is, "You are such a brat." See it's not just me, maybe she is "in over her head too." Anyway, all I can say to my children is I'm a true believer in karma. What you throw out there seems to come right back at you.

"Bump In The Road"

Yesterday was suppose to be an exciting day. It was opening day for the NFL and Spencer was in Cincinnati to play the Bengals. I got up early and got the animals fed and watched "Music and the Spoken Word," then hit the showers. I wanted to be ready to sit and watch the game before going to church at 12:30 p.m. Just as the game came on and kickoff was announced my phone rang. As I looked at the number it was Spencer's cell number. I went in to Rich and said, "something weird just happened, Spencer's number came up and then hung up." He was now watching the game and we didn't see Spencer on the special team play. Just then the phone rang again and this time it was from a number we didn't recognize. It was Spencer telling us that he had an unfortunate slip in the locker room and hurt his shoulder. He wouldn't be playing and he wanted to let us know that we wouldn't be seeing him during the game and didn't want us to worry. To say that Rich and I were disappointed would be an understatement. We watched the game until we had to leave for church and then went to our meetings. As I sat in church I just couldn't believe this was happening. He's worked so hard and put so much effort in making the team and then he gets hurt before the game even starts. What in the he*$ is going on? Anyway, as we talked to Annie during the day and then Spencer last night and today, what can we do about it? He seems to be upbeat and doing well. He has had injuries before that he has had to overcome. He will survive. As Rich and I went to bed last night we talked about what had happened during the day. I said, "After losing Kamber, this adversity doesn't even compare, I know what hell is." He said, "We just have to look at it as if he got hurt at work." Life isn't fair. I had someone tell me once that the first four letters of FAIRYTALE is Fair. As Rich always says, "this is just another bump in the road." I hate it when he says that!

9-11-2001 / 7-25-2008

I can't believe it's been eight years since the terrorist attacks on the twin towers and the Pentagon happened. I will never forget that morning Rich calling me and asking me if I was watching t.v. to see what was going on. I had just gotten started with my chores and when he told me that a plane had hit a building, I remember asking him if anyone was hurt. I don't think I could wrap my brain around the enormity of what we would see on the news for a long time. I was thinking this morning about all that has happened since September 11, 2001. All of our children have gotten married. Spencer served a mission in Chile for two years during that time, and we have had nine more grandchildren born. As I watched the family members of the victims of the attacks read their names off at Ground Zero and put flowers in the water there, it reminded me of how hard it has been this last year to accept the fact that one of our precious family members is no longer with us. I think I know how they feel now. I remember listening to the testimony of a sister in our ward talk about the daughter they had who had drowned in a boating accident 12 years earlier and thinking, "you need to get over it, it's been a long time." Well, you know, I don't think we will ever get over the death of Kamber. It may get a little easier, but we will never forget her or long to see what would have happened if she hadn't been taken home. I think we take life for granted and think tragedies like this won't happen to us. I'm not comparing the 3,000 plus lives lost on 9-11 to the one life we lost. But I do know that every person matters to our Heavenly Father and that he loves us all. We don't know what we will be asked to experience during our time here on earth, but I think we need to make the most of it by living the gospel like we have been asked to do. That will be the only way we will be able to make it back to see Kamber. I hope as a family we can keep plugging along like the families I saw this morning whose lives changed forever eight years ago.

"Noble and Great One"

I went to a funeral this morning of one of the "noble and great ones." He was a convert to the church but was a Bishop, Stake President, Mission President, Area President, in the Temple Presidency and Patriarch. As we went into the church we saw so many friends from our ward in Scottsdale. We had so much fun visiting with people I haven't seen in years. As I was sitting with a friend of mine who works at the Temple, she turned to me and said, "don't you think this is how it's going to be on the other side?" Everyone is so happy to see each other." It was weird because it wasn't sad for me. I didn't see anyone with tissue or anyone very emotional. I have been thinking about that all day. Why wasn't it sad? As the day has gone on I have become a little despondent. I almost feel jealous of this man that his mission on this earth is over. He has returned home after living his life the best he could. Serving in all the callings that he was asked to and doing them well. I started thinking about what my funeral would be like. What would people say about me? She was a visiting teacher and primary worker. She was a mother and grandmother. She loved her family and animals. Anyway, I guess it doesn't really matter what callings we have. It doesn't matter what our job was or how much money and earthly possessions we accumulated. I guess all that matters is that we "stayed in the gospel game" no matter how hard it got. No matter what our trials were. We continued to be faithful and do all we could to try and be like the Savior. I know that President Lyons still lives. I know he will be united with his family some day. I know he blessed my life by being my Bishop. He was a good example to all who crossed his path and by knowing him it made me a better person.

"Things Will Work Out"

I was complaining to my Mom the other day about all that is wrong in my life. I know that doesn't sound like me the "eternal optimist," but anyway I was. I was telling her about all my stories of "woe", how the economy sucks, my hip still hurts, we never have enough money to pay bills and fix my flooded bedroom. I was even complaining about the da%* gopher who keeps digging next to my pond and making it a muddy mess. She listened to me vent and cuss and then said, "Teri, keep doing all you can do to stay close to the Lord and things will work out." I hate it when she says that. I know she's right but I still hate hearing it. Then she went on to tell me about how it was during the "great depression" and how the pioneers had it so rough when they were all coming across the plains. She had a rough childhood because her father was ill and they traveled from family to family for help while my grandmother tried to find work to support them. She then told me to look at all the blessings I have. Me being the brat I am I said, "what blessings?" I have really felt bad about saying that. It was just one of those moods I was in where I couldn't find anything good at that time. She reminded me of my "darling children and grandchildren," and how Spencer had not only made the team again but he didn't get injured. Yeah, that's really a big blessing! Anyway, after we talked for a few minutes I realized how ungrateful I was. I still have a home to keep in from the heat. Rich still does have some work.
We haven't lost everything like some families have. We aren't going through a major illness or tragedy like the summer of 2008. I'm still trying to work on the positive thinking project, now that will be a miracle if that ever happens. Anyway, I am thankful for all those things she pointed out to me and I will try to be more obediant and close to the Lord, then I will see the blessings showered from heaven on me and "things will work out."

Thankful for Relief Society

Sundays seem to be one of the hardest days for me. At times I feel like I would rather stay home and be depressed than go to church and put on a happy face. Yesterday we had our Visiting Teaching Conference in Relief Society so we didn't have to go to Primary. It was a good meeting and at the end a sister read this cute story. It touched me so I asked her for a copy. It says; "Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing. If nearby and listening, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her halter is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her. As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray. When she returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, she stops occasionally and looks back, making sure her friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell. Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need. Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others to see." I know at times I have been the blind horse, but I hope I will be the guide horse helping others someday.

Trying to Find Happiness

It was nice to wake up this morning and see the clouds, thunder and rain. This summer has been a really hard one for me. It seems like the older I get the hotter the summers feel. I used to be a sun worshipper but now I hate the sun and the oppressive heat that goes along with it. Every summer I say, "next summer I'm going away," but that never seems to happen. The problem with having a big house on two acres of land and animals is it is sooooo hard to leave. There is always something to water, feed or try and keep alive. It also seems like as you age things don't seem that important anymore. I got a call on Thursday that a person very dear to my family had passed away. He was my Bishop when I was growing up and in the Stake Presidency when I got married. He gave me my first temple recommend in 1976. He was a darling man who had been taking care of his wife who has been really ill. It's hard when you lose someone close to you because when others pass away you know how the family is feeling. You can relate to them. It seems like lately there are lots of families going through really hard trials and many family members called home. It's hard to not get discouraged when you watch the news and the economy is so bad and people are losing their jobs and homes. I was reading my little book,"You Can be Happy No Matter What," this morning and he says that "happiness is a state of mind, not a set of circumstances." I guess I won't ever be happy because it's hard to get my mind right. Abraham Lincoln said, "People are just about happy as they make up their minds to be." I have a feeling it's going to be a long hard life for me. I need to find a way to make my mind up to be happy. I guess I'm just not trying hard enough.

Call Me Crazy

This is at Cardinals stadium last year when they played here, so I did get to go to one game.

Okay, I just realized that I am crazy. I have known for a long time that I'm "one french fry short" of a Happy Meal, "both oars aren't in the water" and all the other things we say when we think someone "isn't all there." This morning at 5:00 a.m. my doorbell rang. Then the dogs started barking. I was really tired and had been up a few times in the night, so at that time I was in a deep sleep and dreaming. I don't know where I was or what I was doing in my dream, I just know I was in a good place. Everyone knows that my son Spencer plays for the Denver Broncos in the NFL. They have a game tonight against the wonderful Arizona Cardinals in Denver. So, Rich, Dave and Trace just left to go to the airport for the game. This is why the doorbell rang at 5:00 a.m. because Rich has to get his workers lined out before he leaves. Now, because I am afraid to fly and we can't afford to take the time and money to drive 15 hours to Denver, I get to stay home and watch the game on t.v. The doctors have suggested and offered to drug me so when I get on the plane I won't "freak out", but I have always worried that maybe I would wet my pants or do something else that would embarrass me or my family so, I just stay home and resent everyone else who goes to the game. I told you I'm crazy! We have a joke in our family that when Rich goes on a trip it is not a vacation it is an "Amazing Race." The thought of getting on an airplane at 7:00 a.m. flying to Denver, running around all day, going to the game, sleeping a few hours tonight and then back to the airport tomorrow and flying home just isn't that appealing to me. Maybe 35 years ago when I wasn't so sleep deprived and didn't have a care in the world. My goal is to someday be able to make it to a game and watch my son in person play in a football game, maybe my dreams will come true someday. But for now I will just stay home and resent everyone who made the trip to Denver this morning. Now, if I can just find that guy who rang my doorbell at 5:00 a.m. I told you I was crazy.

The Salvation of Little Children

My Mom called me this morning and said "I want to read you something from the scriptures." She then went on to read me some verses from the "Doctrine and Covenants." I guess a Mom knows when her children are struggling and I appreciate her kindness. When we hung up I went in the office and pulled out my book "Teaching of the Presidents Joseph F. Smith." There I found the answers to most of my questions about what happens when young children die. He was the sixth President of the church from 1901-1918. He was the son of Hyrum Smith who was killed with the Prophet Joseph Smith in Carthage Jail. He buried nine little children between 1869 and 1898. I cannot believe anyone could survive the deaths of nine children. I loved some of the quotes he says: "The spirits of our children are immortal before they come to us and their spirits, after bodily death, are like they were before they came. They are as they would have appeared if they had lived in the flesh, to grow to maturity, or to develop their physical bodies to the full stature of their spirits." He then goes on to say that "If you see one of your children that has passed away it may appear to you in the form in which you would recognize it, the form of childhood; but if it came to you as a messenger bearing some important truth, it would perhaps come as a full grown person." I have often thought that even if I could I wouldn't want to bring Kamber back. She is in a good place. I know she is happy and away from the evils of this world. That doesn't mean that I don't mourn her loss everyday and miss the heck out of her. I know that Ethan and Jenn will be able to raise her and that we will be with her again. President Smith says, "The Lord truly knows best and we know that the innocents who have been recalled from earth, so soon after their coming untainted by the sordid elements of the fallen world return to HIM from whom they came, pure and holy, redeemed from the foundation, by the sacrifice of one who said "of such is the kingdom of heaven." I hope we will be worthy to join Kamber someday.